Two things that happened changed how I viewed life and brought fear into it. The first one I’ve never talked about here because whenever I look at it one question comes to mind, how much of what happened was my fault?
I was an undergraduate at the time. Life was great and I was enjoying my freedom. Then one day he walked in. I was at the university and talking with my boss when he strolled in. Our eyes met. I smiled and he smiled back but his gaze never left my face after that. It was uncomfortable so I looked away and worked at the other desk without looking at him. He was good-lo0king and more like the Ted Bundy type!
The next day I was walking through a hallway when I saw him again. His eyes lit up and he said, “Hello!” I smiled and we talked. Then he asked me, “Would you like to go out sometime?” I was surprised but I shook my head and told him I was seeing someone. He smiled and said okay. A few days later, heavy snowfall meant the university was closed. I decided to take a walk in the snow, it was a beautiful day. Suddenly, he was beside me and asked, “Do you mind if I walked with you?” I said no. We talked about the weather and I found out he was a psychology major and that he was from Wisconsin. That was about it.
Then it started. Roses started appearing outside my door and the phone would go off at all hours of the day and night but especially when I came home from a date late at night and the minute I walked in, the phone would ring incessantly. Then one day there was a knock on the door and I opened it to find him standing there. He had tears rolling down his face and he said, “I love you!” I was shocked. No matter how I pleaded with him, my life was not my own from that point in time. The police couldn’t help because he hadn’t done anything!
He followed me around and wherever I was, he was there. He would bring me a cold drink, walk into the office and leave it on my desk. He would leave flowers outside my apartment door, some left whole and some crushed, with love letters attached to them , and the worst part was when I was on a date and wherever we were, he would be right there! I recall one time when we had taken an evening walk and the next day he told me everything we had talked about! He had been that close.
It continued for six months and it felt like I was living in a glass house. Fear gripped my insides and going out became a terrifying event. Six months to the day it stopped! He went silent and my life was mine again. I don’t know what happened to him but I could breathe again but the fear never left me. Even now the fear is there and perhaps it will never leave but I am glad that I survived that ordeal.
An estimated 13.5 million people are stalked in the US each year and I was one of the lucky ones because stalking usually escalates to rape and murder. What did I learn from it? Stop smiling! That was my first reaction but deep down I knew that the smile was friendly nothing more. He had a problem or problems and there was nothing I could have done about the outcome. I still smile because it is part and parcel of my DNA and I wasn’t going to let someone with mental issues wipe it off my face!
The other fear factor, I will talk about at another time.
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