I don’t know what brought this on but it seems like I’m grieving all over again. It could be the changing of the season where the days are getting shorter and darkness is coming in earlier and staying longer. Enough time has passed and it should have made it better but there are too many reminders that trigger those memories, ones that I have put aside in order to move on.
Your brother called and he checks in on me not as frequently as he used to do but once in a while. Today was one of those days. He sounded concerned about the test I had gone through and was really relieved that all turned out well. Then he said, “If there is anyone who deserves good things in her life, it is you.” It went straight to my heart but he didn’t see the tears rolling down my face. I got off that phone call and I felt the familiar strains of memories trying to fight their way back in.
Last week, while on my way to the fields, I saw a neighbor and she started up a conversation. It was strange because I never really liked her and we never made small talk before and yet there she was ready to strike up a conversation. It started off about our kids, she has a daughter the same age as my son. Then, it came. “What about …….how is he doing? I always liked him. A nice guy.” So I told her and her face dropped and then she gushed with sadness and condolences. I answered, “Thank you and yes he was a good guy.” Then I went to the fields and you were right there walking beside me, quiet and calm as you always were.
Then for some reason, the Teddy Swims song, “Let Me Love You,” came on and it took me all the way back. It was the third song you sent me and I stopped what I was doing and listened as emotions came rushing back up. Remember, the first Christmas when I invited you over for Christmas Eve dinner and I had my ex there as well? You showed up all dressed up wearing a tie but I could see the nervousness on your face. My ex was shooting daggers at you with his eyes because he felt you were encroaching on his territory but he forgot that he gave it up for a roll in the hay or two with someone who was the spitting image of Olive Oyl, Popeye’s girlfriend or was it his wife? Anyway….
Later, I asked you, “How did it go? Was it ok?”
YOU: “Oh I didn’t mind because I only had eyes for you!”
That one sentence catapulted my self-esteem back to where it should be after having felt “ugly” for months on end when he tossed me aside for everything that moved on two feet! My ex had grown out of his “nerd” phase and was ready to make up for lost time. He took the saying, “Too many women, too little time,” straight to the heart and practiced it religiously!
It has been a hard weekend. Thoughts of you still linger and sometimes it is a song that triggers it or a mere mention of you or just because and I am back to where I shouldn’t be. They say time heals all things but it sure is taking its time.
I wanted you to know that I MISS YOU.
Site Title 