relationships – Page 14

The Dating No-Gooders

I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying, “Don’t hitch your cart to a falling star.” In the dating world if you’re looking for Mr. Right, the saying is, “Don’t hitch your cart to the wrong guy.”

It is easy to do if you’re beyond caring if the right one comes along or not and anyone will do. However, if you’re still holding on to hope and waiting, pay attention to the signals and the ones below are not the ONE!

THE CHEATER

“A mistake is something that happens accidentally. Cheating and lying are not accidents, they are choices.” Unknown

“Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.” Unknown

Do you think a cheater cares? If he has done it once, he’s going to do it again. They are not worth your time, heartache, pain and whatever else these worthless individuals who rank low on the integrity level bring into the relationship, if you can call it a relationship. Shut the door and move on and don’t give them the time of day!

THE LIAR

“A liar deceives himself more than anyone, for he believes he can remain a person of good character when he cannot.” Richelle E. Goodrich

“One lie is enough to question all the truth.” Samaira Ansari

Most are seasoned liars and they can lie without blinking an eye. The ones you need to watch out for are “pathological liars.” “They are frequently untruthful for no good reason.” Why? Simply because they can get away with it and they probably get an adrenaline rush each time they do it.

THE ANGRY GUY

“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it is with themselves.” Wijsheid, Zelfzorg

“Anger resembles fire. Like the fire, if you keep feeding it, it will get stronger, and harm you. If you stop feeding anger with your attention, it will fade away.” Remez Sasson

Walk away before it gets out of control. You don’t want to be walking on a minefield all the time and watch it go BOOM every step you take. An angry guy has his problems, let him deal with it without you in the picture.

THE NARCISSIST

One of the distinquishing features of a narcissist is no empathy. They do not CARE about you. As such, you rank low on the totem pole and time and again you will wind up asking why? There are no clear-cut answers, it is a disorder and you don’t want to get entangled in it. Leave him alone, move on and don’t look back!

THE JEALOUS GUY

“Jealousy is an inner consciousness of one’s own inferiority. It a a mental cancer.” B. C. Turber

You can spot this individual a mile away, if not when you go on a couple of dates. Suddenly, you are his property. Do not bat or wink at someone else is the message. You’ll wonder what hit you but if you’re smart get out before you have to walk six steps behind this guy!

EMOITIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN (EUM)

He looks normal but he is NOT!

“He.will.always. be incapable of having a genuine emotional connection with anyone, himself being first on that list.” Natasha Adamo

“Your basic needs will be too much for an emotionally unavailable person.” The MindsJournal.

Unfortunately, the EUM is hard to spot. They appear caring and loving but as you move deeper into the relationship, the signal blares and says DANGER! They are always on the chase for new conquests because they are incapable of committing and the closer they get to someone they RUN in the opposite direction. Like the narcissist, they could care less about YOU, it is all about them. Not someone you want to get in a relationship with. He’ll tell you he loves you one day be gone the next without so much as a text!

There are plenty of good men out there. Know what to look for and hitch your cart to the right person, the one who is going to fly you to the stars NOT the one who will make you crash and burn!

Be safe and here’s to finding Mr. Right.

The Control Freak

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“I’m not really a control freak but…..can I show you the right way to do that?” Unknown

In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy gets on the Yellow Brick Road which will take her through Oz to the Emerald City where she hopes to meet the great and powerful Wizard. In the dating world, it could be the path to your one true love but alas it could also lead you to the big bad wolf, the one who will huff and puff and try to blow your house down!

Someone with a control freak personality is defined as “a person who tries to make others do things the way that they want, even if the other people prefer to do it another way, and even if the initial person has no good reason for interfering. More specifically, “a person who feels an obsessive need to put excessive control over themselves and others and to take command of any situation.”

Some reasons for this kind of behavior according to verywellhealth.com is that it provides the individual with “a sense of predictability, stability, and order.”

I wonder if we are giving too many “outs” to these individuals by trying to justify why they are this or that way? Perhaps the only explanation for this personality disorder is that these individuals have a nasty streak within them and “control” as they see it is just part and parcel of their daily existence. It’s my way or the highway and they’ve learned to get away with their obnoxious behavior.

What are the signs of controlling behaviour? According to Webmd.com, these individuals have the following behavior traits.

They insist on having things their way even when it comes to small issues that come down to personal choice.

They refuse to accept blame. You are to blame as far as they are concerned.

They need to be the center of attention and they love upstaging you. In the limelight is where they want to stand even if they have to stand on their heads to do it!

They’re unpredictable. One minute you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and the next you are dirt under their feet. If you want to be on an emotional roller coaster then you are with the right person!

They lie because they want to control your reality. If you try to contradict them, then you’re the crazy one.

They want to be in charge of finances. They want to handle all of the money. It’s a way to place controls on you.

They dictate where you go and what you do. Controlling your movements gives them the upper hand in the relationship. They love sitting in the power seat. Threats, intimidation or anger are all used skillfully to get what they want.

Another name for this kind of abusive controlling behavior is “intimate terrorism.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.” Kushandwizdom

Most are hard to spot but if you keep your eyes wide open and your senses tuned, sooner or later you will see through the niceness after one or two dates. If not, you’ll notice the signs as you get to know them. They get upset because you’re smiling too much or because you don’t want to move as quickly as they do or something whatever it is triggered something in them, most times you don’t even know what that is. Suddenly you realize that you are being watched and scrutinized for everything you do. Life with these individuals is like walking through a minefield hoping you don’t accidentally step on one and blow yourself up. It is more than stressful to say the least so if you spot them, DISCARD and move on. Dating is stressful enough as it is but if you find yourself being caged in, WALK AWAY!

“As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible!” Unknown

Uh….Uh, NO THANK YOU!

Narcissists

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Approach with caution or not at all! You will meet many different types of people when you put yourself out there in the dating scene so be careful. Here is one type that you need to stay away from at any cost if you want to walk away with your self-esteem and your mental state intact.

A young man sat by a river gazing at his own reflection. ”How beautiful he is. I wish I can be with him forever,” he said to his reflection. He was obsessed and couldn’t pull away. Eventually he died of thirst, hunger and unrequited love. His name was Narcissus and he was the son of the river god in Greek mythology. Narcissism originated from his name.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others.” According to the Mayo Clinic definition, they also have low self-esteem and are extremely sensitive to criticism.

“The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells.” Sam Vaknin

Scary? You better believe it. Ever met one of these walking disasters on your trek into the dating world? If not, you should thank your lucky stars. If yes, you know what I am talking about. The problem is you might be in a relationship with one of these types and not even know it because they are hard to spot. Here are some signs to look out for.

The number 1 trait of a narcissist is, “an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and they require constant, excessive admiration.” If that doesn’t make you want to slam the door shut on them, the following will help you to do exactly that. They are arrogant, lack empathy, are entitled, have feelings of superiority and grandiosity and they have a need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired or loved. They usually get away with wrongdoings and when denial doesn’t work, they turn to rage and all this at your cost I might add.

According to Dr. Brenda Wade, narcissists only think of themselves first and foremost, they want to win, they do not care about your feelings, they are always manipulating for their own personal gain and benefit and they make you think that you are the problem. Finally, gaslighting is their stock and trade.

Why haven’t you noticed these traits right from the start? It seems there is this thing called the ‘fantasy’ phase where you are idolized, more specifically it’s the where you can do nothing wrong phase, but it goes downhill from there.

“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase, “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in a narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.” Ramani Durvasula.

If you have been in one of these relationships you might walk away questioning your self-worth, what you stand for and won’t stand for and more often than not it leaves you broken to the core afraid to step out there again. Where? The world of dating is fraught with many minefields as I have said before and this particular breed is nasty, uncaring and not worth your time. If you are going to be out there, arm yourself first with knowledge and if you should by chance meet a narcissist, RUN don’t walk!

“It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It’s like the trash took itself out.” Karen Salmansohn

Or this:

Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” Ramani Durvasula

Finally this:

The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. By Dayna Craig

She nailed it folks!

Sticks and Stones

This world for as much as it is beautiful is still a cruel place. Evil lurks and strikes when you least expect it. However, the kind of evil I am going to talk about here is not the kind that can hurt you physically but the one that has the power to go deeper, much deeper.

“A dagger of words can pierce the heart more deeply than any weapon.” Unknown

We’ve heard this adage before, some of us many times before. ”Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” How often have we taken this one to heart and agreed wholeheartedly with it? Words will never hurt me? It doesn’t quite work that way does it? Words have the potential to hurt even more than sticks and stones. They have the power to cut you like a knife, they have the ability to hurt like hell, they can humiliate and maim you to the point that your world comes to a standstill.

Words have power. The good ones can lift you up but the bad ones can bring you to your knees. Labels such as, moron, imbecile, idiot or others of a more sinister nature DO HURT. They can also have an impact on a more deeper psychological level.

So choose your words carefully as you go out into the world today. What you put out there matters so let’s go out and make this world a better place, one word at a time!

Here are some of my favorite quotes that speak to the power of words.

“Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don’t mean much to you, may stick with someone else for a lifetime.” Rachel Wolchin

“Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.” Robin Sharma

And finally this,

“Words are powerful, they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.” Joyce Meyer