fears – Site Title

Back from the Dead!

I thought I was a goner when I went in for the surgery. It was going to be a two-hour operation with risks involved as with most procedures that requires a surgeon’s hands to put things back together again. You probably read about my fears here and the feeling that I was going to die was front and center!

It is now Day 6 after the surgery. I came home yesterday with another OP looming next month. What? Yes, they need to do another one to make sure everything is as it should be. According to one doctor, “You will be a new person once it is done.” Or dead was my retort but I kept it to myself.

They (the doctors) expected pain to be a mainstay but were surprised when none showed up. I was hooked up to different things and one in particular I couldn’t stand! A nurse helped me to walk a few hours after the surgery and I did fine. She left the room and I decided to do it on my own. I trained like an athlete before the procedure so I knew I was fully capable of doing it. I walked the length and width of the room and did it with no problems except for a few twinges here and there. I jotted the progress down. Two hours later, I did it again! By end of day, I had done 5 rounds!

Day 2, I was up at break of day. I couldn’t sleep because the anesthesia was giving me a run for the money! It was still coursing through my veins and sleeplessness or rather insomnia was one of the after effects. The main thing, I wasn’t being given pain killers. My body was reacting well and HEALING I hoped. They checked the vitals and everything was excellent. The light at the end of the tunnel?

It looked like it except for the second OP looming in the not so distant future. I made up my mind to go throw the storm and meet it head on when it shows up. I still had time, for now the healing needs to take place and I will work hard on that. No workouts, no heavy lifting, no driving, and no eating crap! Coffee is down to one cup a day, anything that can irritate the wound is out the window, and lots of rest and relaxation. I can weather the first two, that last one is going to be hard. I LOVE moving around!

I made it up and down the stairs yesterday! Very, very, slowly of course. I can’t lift Chachi and hold him close because he is considered too heavy! So, I’ve been stroking him and giving him kisses, lots of it.

Recovery needs lots of work and I’ve already started. I have to look at other alternatives of keeping myself fit and ready for the next phase of what is coming up. Walking in the garden is one option, not fast but slow and steady is the way to go. Three times a day should do it.

I was rolled into that operating theatre with two heavyweights by my side. My angel who never leaves my side and the ONE who moves mountains. I’m sure he guided the surgeon’s hands as well!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

The Day Before Armageddon!

It’s here, the day before I show up at the hospital ready to meet the team who will do what needs to be done. I HATE THIS! My bag is packed and being a female I am bringing more than I should. Probably, half the clothes and things I am bringing will not be needed but I’m female, hear me roar!

Yesterday was a tough one. I had to come to terms with the fact that this surgery is going to happen whether I want it to or not. The house has been cleaned, the trash taken out, and everything is spotless. I got the laundry done and met a girlfriend for coffee and breakfast. It was nice until a wasp or was it a bee decided to make its presence known. A sharp sting and I was in agony! I told the owner, who is Italian, that I just got stung by a bee! He laughed and said, “Your blood must be sweet!” We made a mad dash to the pharmacy because it was hurting like hell. After doling out 40 euros, I had a pen that felt hot when held against the sting and some gel to cool afterwards. She also told me to let the people at the hospital know about what happened. Sometimes, they will postpone the surgery!

Why are things going down south all the time? I don’t know but my girlfriend thinks it’s because I’ve decided to embrace “negativity” as my best friend! Anyway, it still hurts but postponing the surgery is just wishful thinking. I think it will take place as scheduled.

Then I met the cat sitter. A sweet girl who loves cats. However, she loved talking as well. An hour into the meeting, I had to cut it short. I handed over the house key and she will show up on Monday to take care of Chachi. The little guy knows that something is up. He has been eyeing me with a look that I can’t decipher. I think he knows something is coming up. Did I tell you he is sweet? He is adorable as well. I laid out my clothes on the bed before I went to take a shower and when I came back there was his favorite toy mouse with the innards hanging out laid carefully on my shirt! A token of love? Or is it like, “Mommy don’t send me away?” I don’t know but I bought him four more to make up for the one he has destroyed! I also wanted to make up for being away from him.

So here it is. My bags are packed and I am ready to go. I don’t want to do this but I have no choice. I will walk in hoping for the best and please don’t send me a Mr. Magoo to do the OP!

You won’t be hearing from me for however long it takes. I hope it won’t be too long.

Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed!

WHAT NOW?!!

“What now is not just a panic-striken question tossed into a dark unknown. What now can also be our joy. It is a declaration of possibility of promise, of chance. It acknowledges that our future is open, that we may well do more than anyone expected of us, that at every point in our development we are still striving to grow.” Ann Patchett

However, I am at a point where I feel like I’m stuck in mud or more appropriately moving through thick gooey mud and each excruciating step forward is a struggle in itself. The cowardly me wants to throw up her hands and to stop, take a breath and spend the days sitting in the garden with only the birds, bees and the insects for company. I am SAFE.

That’s the conundrum right there. It is not about feeling safe. It is about finding that right guy and making the right decisions for my life. It takes work to get to the end goal and I know that the right person is not just going to fall into my lap like manna from heaven. It takes working on me, knowing what I want, what I won’t tolerate and when to say NO to those who are just a waste of time and a drain on my emotional resources. So far so good. Then the doubts started creeping in and along came the fears, the uncertainties but most of all not knowing where to go next has been bugging me for the last week or so. I’m where Alice was when she had that conversation with the Cheshire Cat. It goes like this:

Alice: “Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?”

Cheshire Cat: “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

Alice: “I don’t much care where.”

Cheshire Cat: “Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”

Alice: “So long as I get somewhere.”

Cheshire Cat: “Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

I don’t want to keep moving forward if “somewhere” is going to be good enough. It isn’t and neither is aimless wandering. I have a specific goal in mind. Perhaps, this wading through mud is normal in the grand scheme of things and not everything is going to go as smoothly as I want it to go. When has it ever? So why not stop and take that well-deserved break? I’ve been working hard on discarding the “old me” and I see someone new emerging from the shadows. She is stronger, more decisive and she knows what she wants. There is still work to be done but I have a feeling it will all fall in place when the time is right. The end goal is to get to the other side of the here and now. What would be waiting there? I don’t know but unlike Alice in Wonderland, this much I know. I care about where I’m headed.

“Sometimes not having any idea where we’re going works out better than we could possibly have imagined.” Unknown

Fingers and toes crossed!

Have an amazing day.