God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”
God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.
“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up….”
Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing men should have. Please! Give it to me Pleeease!”
On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name on the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.
“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”
Eve asked, “What’s that?”
God said, “BRAINS.”
Ladies be happy we didn’t get that thing and how do you do a helicopter anyway?!!
A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but the Creator understands the internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Hmm….
Good one but incase you’re wondering computers are gender neutral.
I thought this was funny but you may think different!
Two New Elements Discovered!: WO and XY…
From Christopher G. Worley, Los Alamos Laboratory
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong afinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good Methane source. Good samples and are able to produce large quantities on demand.
CAUTION: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
It’s another rainy day and the wind is picking up speed and like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs, it is threatening to huff, puff and blow the house in! Well, not that strong but my imagination is on overdrive today. What’s that got to do with the topic at hand you ask? Nothing except the rainy day has got me thinking again so I went looking to see how we do things differently because we do. I found plenty to write about but decided to keep it light, airy and funny to boot. Enjoy.
“One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.”
“Men say they don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die, well I don’t trust anything with 2 heads and only 1 brain!”
“A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet women is usually mad.”
“Menstruation
Menopause
Mental breakdowns
Notice how all women’s problem begin with men.”
“When a woman says, “WHATT,” it’s not because she didn’t hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
When a man says, “WHAT?” it’s not because he didn’t hear you. He is giving himself some time to think what to answer when he is screwed!”
“Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.“
“YOU STILL LOOK twenty one from a distance.“
I loved this one. Was he still standing after this one?
“During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.“
Woman:
“I told you I’ll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour.“
“Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.“
Top 7 things men do to upset women:
Lie
Be Honest
Not Talk
Talk too much
Not show emotions
Be too emotional
Breathe
That’s like damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
MAN
Conquers nations
Frees slaves
Invents penicillin
Builds great structures
Discovers America
Fights terrorists
Lands on the moon
Dies in battle to save another soldier
What a man? What a man? What a mighty good man huh?
Woman
Gives birth to all men
The last one for good measure.
“I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.”
Hmm…on the other hand, just about anywhere is fair game for men I would say.
Site Title 