An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you’re having a senior moment…make it memorable!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie,popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted and feeling sick.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#* moron!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
I’d add, good husband but pleasing a woman is a next to impossible thing including that dress size!
A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.
As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
I saw this online and I never expected the ending! It cracked me up. Enjoy.
Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.
One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: “What do you think of the stock market situation?”
The CEO arrogantly asks him: “Why are you so interested in this subject?”
The shoeshine man replies: “I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market.”
The CEO of the bank asks: “What is your name?”
He replies: “John Smith H.”
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department: “Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?”
He replies: “We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account.”
The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says: “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I’m sure we will have a lot to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.
I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I’m sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story.”
Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story: “I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.
The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.
I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.
When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.
I didn’t spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.
I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.
I didn’t spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.
A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.
Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.
… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.
He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”
“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”
The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”
I saw this online and decided to share. It got a chuckle out of me. I hope it gets one out of you too.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy responds: “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man”.
The second guy says: “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow”.
The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: “I guess I’d like to hear them say ‘Look – he’s moving’
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic….” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language….things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…Please mama!”
“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?
“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these 4-letter words! Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh mama….words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”
God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”
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