Tag: humor

The Farm

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Beth and Peter moved from the city to a small farm they had bought.

They had heard there was good money to be made in pig breeding, so they bought a sow.

That same day, Peter put the sow in a wheelbarrow and went to have her naturally inseminated by the neighbor’s boar.

Early the next morning, he got up and went to the pigsty to see if any piglets had arrived.

Naturally, there were none.

He put the sow in the wheelbarrow and went to the neighbor’s to repeat the previous day’s procedure.

At the crack of dawn the next morning, he was in the sty looking for piglets, but was disappointed again.

For the third time, he made the trip to the neighbor’s with the sow in the wheelbarrow.

At sunrise the next day, he woke Beth and asked her to go to the sty.

She returned shortly after and said, “No, no piglets today either, but the sow is sitting in the wheelbarrow waiting for you.

Moral of the Story: Do not move to a farm if you don’t know what you are doing!

I got the feeling that the sow was enjoying those trips to the neighbor’s farm way too much!

🤣🤣🤣

The Humble Onion

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Sam is a poor humble onion farmer…..

… barely scraping by on his small plot of land.

One day he learns about an exotic country far away where no one has ever seen an onion, so Sam decides to go for broke. He loads up his entire onion crop into a wagon and sets off on a journey.

He travels for three weeks across mountains, deserts and forests. Finally, Sam comes to the country where no one has ever seen an onion and he asks to meet the king. He shows the king his onions and fries up a sliced onion for him. The king absolutely loves it and orders that a feast be held with a wide variety of onion dishes. The people of the country go crazy over the onions. They declare onion their national food and start planting onion fields.

To show their gratitude, the king gives Sam a wagon full of gold and sends him back home. Sam returns to his village with his newfound wealth and tells everybody about his wonderful faraway land where onions are worth more than gold. Sam’s neighbor, Fred, is a poor, humble garlic farmer.

He thinks, if these people like onions so much, then they’re going to love my garlic. So Fred loads his entire garlic crop into a wagon and travels for three weeks across mountains, deserts and forests. He comes to the onion country and asks to meet the king. Fred shows the king his garlic and fries some garlic in a pan for him. The king goes nuts and orders a garlic feast. The people are ecstatic, raving about this delicious garlic. They love the garlic so much that they give Fred something worth even more than a wagon full of gold. A wagon full of onions.

🤣🤣🤣

Retirement Home Joke

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I thought this was funny.

On her first day at the retirement home, the new manager addressed all the seniors, highlighting her most important rule:

“The female sleeping quarters will be off-limits to all males, and likewise, the male dormitory will be off-limits to all females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued:

“Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60, and if you’re caught a third time, it will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older lady named Kathy stood up in the crowd and asked:

“How much is a season ticket?

Maybe old but not dead!

🤣🤣🤣

The Blind Marine

However, it is not your typical blonde girl joke. I thought it was hilarious.

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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

Smart answer!

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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This one is hilarious.

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then he said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st man gave him money & the 2nd man said “Thank you”. The 3rd man slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd man replied “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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This is hilarious and I must add, a very smart God indeed!

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”

The man then asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Then he asks,”Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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Spaghetti with meatballs?!!

This guy had been having an affair with an Italian woman for two years.

One night she says, honey, I’m pregnant.

The guy almost faints. He’s thinking, my marriage is over.

So he says, listen, I’ll give you a lot of money if you go back to Italy, have the baby there, and keep everything a secret. I’ll even send child support until the kid turns 18.

She says, okay. But how will you know when the baby’s born?

This genius says, Easy. Just mail me a postcard and write one word on the back. Spaghetti. I’ll know exactly what it means.

Seven months later, he comes home and his wife says, Honey, you got the weirdest postcard today. He says, Just give it to me. He reads it. His face turns ghost white. He grabs his chest and drops like he just saw his credit card bill.

His wife picks up the postcard and reads it. It says, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

🤣🤣🤣