This one is hilarious.
Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then he said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st man gave him money & the 2nd man said “Thank you”. The 3rd man slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd man replied “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
🤣🤣🤣
This is hilarious and I must add, a very smart God indeed!
A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”
The man then asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Then he asks,”Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
🤣🤣🤣
Spaghetti with meatballs?!!
This guy had been having an affair with an Italian woman for two years.
One night she says, honey, I’m pregnant.
The guy almost faints. He’s thinking, my marriage is over.
So he says, listen, I’ll give you a lot of money if you go back to Italy, have the baby there, and keep everything a secret. I’ll even send child support until the kid turns 18.
She says, okay. But how will you know when the baby’s born?
This genius says, Easy. Just mail me a postcard and write one word on the back. Spaghetti. I’ll know exactly what it means.
Seven months later, he comes home and his wife says, Honey, you got the weirdest postcard today. He says, Just give it to me. He reads it. His face turns ghost white. He grabs his chest and drops like he just saw his credit card bill.
His wife picks up the postcard and reads it. It says, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
🤣🤣🤣
I thought this was hilarious and wanted to share. Hope it brings laughter your way.
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name …leave it to me.”
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”
Job well done? One other thing, notice how they finished playing before they talked about telling the wife. A man thing or a poker thing?
Unfortunately, the truth is staring you in the face! “Tiny Hands” with a big “POW!” effect. Keep it coming.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.”
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Sometimes it takes a little longer to wake up! 🤣
That last part got me! One smart kid, however, who names their child Odd?
In a small town, a primary school class was having a biology lesson. The teacher asked the students if they knew what whales ate. Little Odd raised his hand:
“Sometimes they eat people,” he said.
“No, Odd, I’m afraid you’re mistaken there. They eat plankton and fish,” the teacher replied.
“But the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” Odd insisted.
“Odd, it is completely impossible for a whale to eat a human being.”
“Well, I’ll just have to ask Jonah about that when I meet him in heaven.”
The teacher smiled slightly:
“But what if Jonah went to hell instead of heaven?”
Odd was quick to answer: “Then *you* can ask him.”
I decided to find out if the teacher was right about whales not eating people. Here’s what I found out.
They have tiny throats and although they have huge mouths, their throats are only the size of a human fist.
They have no teeth. They cannot chew meat.
They eat small things like krill, plankton, and small fish. Toothed whales do not hunt or eat people either.
There, you have it. The teacher was right.
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside.
At the local bar someone asked him if he was married.
“i’m divorced. Actually, I never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time.”
The local man said, “you should go talk to the old couple on the top of the hill outside the village. Rumor has it they’ve been married for over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”
“What? That’s impossible everyone fights”, exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out.
So in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him the man smiled and nodded, “yeah, it’s true we never fight”
“Please”, begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”
“Well”, said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him that’s one and kept riding. As the mule tripped again on another stone when my wife immediately said that’s two. Minutes later the mule tripped over a stone again. My wife said that’s three. She pulled out a gun i never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice. i was shocked and yelled at her what the heck do you think you’re doing we needed that mule. Are you crazy?
My wife looked me straight in the eye and said that’s one. And we’ve never fought since.”
Hmm….I should have thought of that! 🤣🤣🤣
Needed to share this one!
An elderly couple entered a burger joint……
… and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.
The old man walked over to the counter and made an order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife.
Carefully, he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped two straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old lady began to eat her half of the burger while the people stared compassionately.
A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied, no, don’t bother. We just share everything.
People realised that the old man hadn’t eaten after a little while. He only watched as his wife ate.
So the same young man approached and repeated his offer.
This time, the old man spoke. No, no, it’s fine. We just share everything.
Then the young man said to the old man. What are you waiting for?
The old man looked up and said,
The teeth.
🤣🤣🤣
Donald Trump wanted to paint the White House. He called three contractors to ask for their quotes.
The Chinese man offered 3 million dollars. The European, 7 million. The Indian, 10 million.
Trump asked the Chinese man: “How did you quote 3 million dollars?” The Chinese man replied: “One million dollars for paint, one million dollars for labor, and one million dollars for profit.”
Trump asked the European. He replied: “3 million dollars in paint, 2 million in labor, and 2 million dollars in profit.”
Trump asked the Indian. He replied: “Four million for you. Three million for me. And we’ll give three million to the Chinese guy and ask him to do the painting.”
The Indian got the contract.
Smart guy and it’s all about the profit! 🤣🤣🤣
