jokes – Site Title

LOL!

Spaghetti with meatballs?!!

This guy had been having an affair with an Italian woman for two years.

One night she says, honey, I’m pregnant.

The guy almost faints. He’s thinking, my marriage is over.

So he says, listen, I’ll give you a lot of money if you go back to Italy, have the baby there, and keep everything a secret. I’ll even send child support until the kid turns 18.

She says, okay. But how will you know when the baby’s born?

This genius says, Easy. Just mail me a postcard and write one word on the back. Spaghetti. I’ll know exactly what it means.

Seven months later, he comes home and his wife says, Honey, you got the weirdest postcard today. He says, Just give it to me. He reads it. His face turns ghost white. He grabs his chest and drops like he just saw his credit card bill.

His wife picks up the postcard and reads it. It says, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

I thought this was hilarious and wanted to share. Hope it brings laughter your way.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name …leave it to me.”

Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”

Job well done? One other thing, notice how they finished playing before they talked about telling the wife. A man thing or a poker thing?

Political Memes

Unfortunately, the truth is staring you in the face! “Tiny Hands” with a big “POW!” effect. Keep it coming.

LOL!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.”

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Sometimes it takes a little longer to wake up! 🤣

LOL!

That last part got me! One smart kid, however, who names their child Odd?

In a small town, a primary school class was having a biology lesson. The teacher asked the students if they knew what whales ate. Little Odd raised his hand:

“Sometimes they eat people,” he said.

“No, Odd, I’m afraid you’re mistaken there. They eat plankton and fish,” the teacher replied.

“But the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” Odd insisted.

“Odd, it is completely impossible for a whale to eat a human being.”

“Well, I’ll just have to ask Jonah about that when I meet him in heaven.”

The teacher smiled slightly:

“But what if Jonah went to hell instead of heaven?”

Odd was quick to answer: “Then *you* can ask him.”

I decided to find out if the teacher was right about whales not eating people. Here’s what I found out.

They have tiny throats and although they have huge mouths, their throats are only the size of a human fist.

They have no teeth. They cannot chew meat.

They eat small things like krill, plankton, and small fish. Toothed whales do not hunt or eat people either.

There, you have it. The teacher was right.

LOL!

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside.

At the local bar someone asked him if he was married.

“i’m divorced. Actually, I never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time.”

The local man said, “you should go talk to the old couple on the top of the hill outside the village. Rumor has it they’ve been married for over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What? That’s impossible everyone fights”, exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out.

So in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him the man smiled and nodded, “yeah, it’s true we never fight”

“Please”, begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well”, said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him that’s one and kept riding. As the mule tripped again on another stone when my wife immediately said that’s two. Minutes later the mule tripped over a stone again. My wife said that’s three. She pulled out a gun i never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice. i was shocked and yelled at her what the heck do you think you’re doing we needed that mule. Are you crazy?

My wife looked me straight in the eye and said that’s one. And we’ve never fought since.”

Hmm….I should have thought of that! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Needed to share this one!

An elderly couple entered a burger joint……

… and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over to the counter and made an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife.

Carefully, he counted all the fries and did the same.

He dipped two straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger while the people stared compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.

The old woman replied, no, don’t bother. We just share everything.

People realised that the old man hadn’t eaten after a little while. He only watched as his wife ate.

So the same young man approached and repeated his offer.

This time, the old man spoke. No, no, it’s fine. We just share everything.

Then the young man said to the old man. What are you waiting for?

The old man looked up and said,

The teeth.

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Donald Trump wanted to paint the White House. He called three contractors to ask for their quotes.

The Chinese man offered 3 million dollars. The European, 7 million. The Indian, 10 million.

Trump asked the Chinese man: “How did you quote 3 million dollars?” The Chinese man replied: “One million dollars for paint, one million dollars for labor, and one million dollars for profit.”

Trump asked the European. He replied: “3 million dollars in paint, 2 million in labor, and 2 million dollars in profit.”

Trump asked the Indian. He replied: “Four million for you. Three million for me. And we’ll give three million to the Chinese guy and ask him to do the painting.”

The Indian got the contract.

Smart guy and it’s all about the profit! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

An elderly couple went to the doctors because they were concerned about memory loss. The doc put them through some tests. He told them they didn’t have to worry too much yet, but it would help if they wrote things down.

That afternoon they were sitting on the front porch enjoying the lovely June weather. The husband decides to get a bowl of ice cream and asks his wife if she would like one too.

She says, “ I would love a bowl of ice cream, but you better write it down.

“Naw – I don’t have to write it down. How would you like chocolate syrup with your ice cream?”

”I would love chocolate syrup, but you’d better write it down.”

“Don’t need to. How hard can it be? ice cream with chocolate syrup. How about nuts and whipped cream on top?”

“That sounds delicious. I’d love that, but you’d better write it down.”

”Nope. How hard can it be? Ice cream, chocolate syrup, nuts and whipped cream. I’ve got it.”

So he goes into the kitchen and she hears him rattling around for a bit. Pretty soon he comes out with two plates of bacon and eggs.

She says, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast!”

Looks like they are on the same wavelength! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

The old man and the beautiful young blonde.

A balding, white-haired man from Sherman Oaks, California walked into a mall jewelry store on Friday evening, accompanied by a much younger woman. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler showed him a nice ring for $5,000.

“No, I’d like to see something more special,” the man replied.

The jeweler then presented a stunning $40,000 ring. The woman’s eyes sparkled, and she trembled with excitement at the sight.

The old man smiled and stated confidently, “We’ll take it.”

When the jeweler inquired about payment, the man replied, “By check. I realize you’ll want to check on the funds, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday. I’ll return to collect the ring.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler furiously called the old man. “You have only $25 in your account!” he shouted.

“I know,” replied the old man with a laugh. “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

You must admit the old man knew what he was doing and that blonde didn’t stand a chance! 🤣🤣🤣