A farmer buys a young rooster and puts him in the yard.
The rooster takes one look around and immediately gets to work. By breakfast, he’s been through every hen on the farm.
The farmer whistles. “Well, that was impressive.”
By lunchtime, the rooster has done the whole flock again.
Now the farmer is less impressed and more concerned.
The next morning, the rooster has moved on from the hens to the ducks, the geese, the turkeys, and anything else unfortunate enough to stand still.
Later that day, the farmer looks across the yard and sees the rooster lying flat on his back, legs in the air, completely motionless. Above him, a few vultures are circling.
The farmer walks over, shakes his head, and says, “I told you you’d kill yourself, you filthy little maniac.”
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents looked at the truck and asked, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s or something John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peters at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said “welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you. “he continued, Unfortunately, it getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay, said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, “Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.”
“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?
“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.” St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question, said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …” St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.” “And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It is Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?” “I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said “Run, Forest, Run!”
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.
Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.
And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”
“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing! He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you’re having a senior moment…make it memorable!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie,popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted and feeling sick.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#* moron!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
I’d add, good husband but pleasing a woman is a next to impossible thing including that dress size!
A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.
As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
I saw this online and I never expected the ending! It cracked me up. Enjoy.
Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.
One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: “What do you think of the stock market situation?”
The CEO arrogantly asks him: “Why are you so interested in this subject?”
The shoeshine man replies: “I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I am thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market.”
The CEO of the bank asks: “What is your name?”
He replies: “John Smith H.”
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department: “Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?”
He replies: “We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account.”
The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says: “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honor at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I’m sure we will have a lot to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account.
I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I’m sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story.”
Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story: “I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket.
The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples.
I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.
When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes.
I didn’t spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.
I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colors and increased my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.
I didn’t spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.
A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.
Finally, 3 months ago, my drug dealer brother passed away and left me 20 million dollars.
… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.
He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”
“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”
The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”
I saw this online and decided to share. It got a chuckle out of me. I hope it gets one out of you too.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy responds: “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man”.
The second guy says: “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow”.
The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: “I guess I’d like to hear them say ‘Look – he’s moving’
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