I think I am. The problem is not being able to judge character, it is my need to overlook the signals because I have this innate sense within me to help and that often gets me into trouble. I see it right from the start and my intuition tells me to stay away but still I go in and sometimes with eyes wide open and more often than not I get hurt. However, I am observant more than most because I am a writer and therefore I observe religiously and nitpick details and even though I am good at judging character from the get go, I choose not to pay attention and that is my BIG problem.
As to your question of whether I am a good judge of character? The answer is, yes and no.
Looking for the needle in a haystack is defined as “something that is almost impossible to find because it is hidden among so many other things,” or it could mean that you are very unlikely indeed to find it.
Someone once said to me that I choose to be alone. If I didn’t want to be alone, I would already be in a relationship. I disagree with this assumption. Choosing a partner needs to be a well-thought out, well-planned affair. Grabbing any guy who comes along is easy but that one elusive person, the one who fits the mold and the one who offers long-term is really hard to find. The needle in the haystack is elusive, impossible to find and at times the end goal is disappointing and yet I keep looking. Am I trying too hard? It has been said that when you go looking for something, you never find it but when you stop looking, there it is right before your eyes.
“If you hunt for a needle in a haystack you don’t find it. If you don’t give a darn whether you ever see the needle or not – it runs into you the first time you lean against the stack.” P. G. Wodehouse
Perhaps there is some truth to this quote but alas Mr. Wodehouse, my problem is that I keep missing the haystack altogether! I want to zero in on that haystack where the needle is hidden but each haystack I find seems to be the wrong one and I walk past without exploring further. Picky?
DEFINITELY! That’s why they call me complicated.
I have this “perfect guy” image etched in my mind and that right there is the problem. He is in my mind and the others don’t measure up. At this rate, I don’t think I’m ever going to find him no matter how many frogs I kiss not that I’ve kissed that many. I walk off before the kiss happens and look towards the distance for the next Prince Charming to come riding in on his white horse but it never fails, they are missing one thing or another and sometimes they ride in with no horse at all!
How do you find that needle in the haystack?
The answer –
“the way you find an actual needle in an actual haystack – is to burn the haystack to the ground. What you’ll be left with is the needle, because metal doesn’t burn.” Jennie Young
Hmm…. if that fails,
“Needle in the haystack’s easy – just bring a magnet.” Keith DeCandido
Fine and good and even funny to an extent but that guy living rent-free in my head needs to materialize in front of me so that we can ride off into the sunset together. Please universe, if you are listening make it happen before the next frog rolls around with his lips puckered for that all elusive kiss!
AND
Santa, if you’re listening, I am ready! If it’s going to take a little while longer that is alright too. Just gives me time to work on myself and to be ready when the frog, no, I mean “the guy” shows up.
Harper’s Bazaar defines it as, “signs of manipulation and deception. It hurts people’s feelings and gives them trust issues.” According to them, these are major red flags and it has no place in a healthy, happy relationship.
True and you deserve a happy, and healthy relationship. However, many play mind games just for the hell of it because it makes them feel good or it’s done for some sick pleasure. Others have made it part and parcel of their dating existence. How do you spot these wolves in sheep’s clothing? Not easy because quite often they disguise themselves as one of the good guys. They look and come across as harmless but in actuality, they have the potential to hurt you badly through their manipulative tactics.
Here are the tell-tale signs. Actually there are 9 of them according to geediting.com but I think there are more.
Inconsistent behavior……this one is like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. He’s the nice guy one minute and the next you’ll be wondering what changed. It’s NOT YOU! It’s HIM!
Gaslighting…..a technique used to question your own reality, experiences, or perceptions. If you’re constantly doubting or questioning yourself, you might just be a victim of gaslighting.
They never apologize…..this is a significant part of someone playing mind games. Be aware. Instead of apologizing, they deflect blame onto others.
They make you feel guilty….this is one of the tools master manipulators use to shift power in their favor.
They’re hot and cold…..this tactic is known as “love bombing.” This technique will leave you confused and unsure of where you stand and that’s exactly where they want you.
They make you question your worth…..this is a clear sign that someone is playing mind games. It is used to erode your self-esteem making you dependent on them for validation. It’s a form of control.
They withhold affection as punishment….one minute everything’s great and the next they’re not talking to you. It’s a manipulative technique to gain control and hold the upper hand in the relationship. A harsh method used to get whatever they want.
They make you feel like everything’s your fault….even when it isn’t. You’re the bad person and they come out smelling like a rose. It’s time to take a good hard look at the relationship and to move on.
They use your insecurities against you….they know your vulnerabilities and they exploit it to gain power and control.
I’ll add silent treatment to the list above. Master manipulators are pros when it comes to using silent treatment to their advantage. It is used as a form of punishment to make you feel unimportant and anxious so that you scramble to make THEM feel important again which means doing anything they want.
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” Unknown
Mind games have no place in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship deserves respect, love, caring AND your well-being matters. If you find yourself going through one of the 9 items listed above over and over again, it’s time to leave the loser behind to his own wiles and move on to someone who will meet you on equal terms and treat you as an equal as well. They’re out there, you just have to weed through the losers to get there but anything is better than a master manipulator.
“Mind games do not make me believe you are mysterious or interesting. Mind games do make me believe you are a waste of my time and energy!” Unknown
AND
“Let’s play kind games instead of mind games.” Unknown
I’m most happy when I’m out in nature. I’ve always loved nature but the last two or three years have brought home the fact that I find my freedom and peace when I’m out there by myself surrounded by silence and my soul has the opportunity to rise to new heights. Nature teaches that nothing is ever left to chance and there is a time and place for everything. There is no rush because it takes its time and knows that the seasons will unfold as they are meant to unlike “human nature” which demands and expects that it happened yesterday! Nature is my teacher, my guide and it makes me happy even on the days when I think nothing is going to bring me back up. Nature makes me happy and a trek out in the fields does wonders for my soul and my happiness.
“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” Mandy Hale
How often have you looked to others for validation, to lift you up, to make you feel important, to gain their approval and to make you feel loved? I know I have and I have found myself wallowing in self-pity or even questioning my worth as a person. I am learning that loving yourself comes first. YOU are important, what you tell yourself is important and who you are and what you will stand for and won’t is important. Be kind and gentle here because the way you talk to yourself is important. Work on yourself, it is the key element to get you out of the rut. What rut? The stuck in the mud rut. Your goal is to get you moving to a better life and to feel comfortable with yourself.
Invest in Yourself
This may sound like a new concept because we spend a lot of our energy and money on materialistic things and also in pleasing others that we forget the all-important person who is left wanting. Invest in time spent with yourself, this doesn’t take much but dedication. A walk in nature to nurture your soul, meditation to look inwards and find peace, working out to bolster your health or even spend time talking to yourself. If you have the means, pamper yourself. Go for a massage, get a facial, get a manicure or pedicure and no, it doesn’t mean you are vain. It just means you are putting yourself first and showing love to the person who matters the most and that is YOU.
Invest in your Environment
Your home is your castle? Work to make it that way. Spruce up your garden, plant flowers that give you joy when they bloom and fill your space with color. Redo your living area and or your bedroom and add things to make you feel comfortable. Make it a place you love spending time in and love coming back to but most of all, a place where you can relax and pamper your soul.
Get Rid of the Unwanted
This is hard. If you want to be your own best friend, you need to make space for the important things. Get rid of the things that bog you down, the people who make you question who you are because they are in a bad place in their lives. If their only goal in life is to bring you down to their level of despair, let them go! Sometimes getting rid of the unwanted makes room for what is needed. New friends, love, laughter, joy and peace.
Say this to yourself and mean it.
“You are hands down, my favorite person.” Unknown
Being your own best friend takes time as it is with everything that matters. Be forgiving, speak softly and lovingly to yourself, encourage yourself, love yourself and work towards looking in the mirror and loving the person staring back at you. Be your own validation and life, my friend, will get easier.
How to be your own best friend:
“Look in the mirror and give yourself a high-five.
Ask yourself often, “how are you feeling?”
Cry when you need to.
Give yourself a hug.
Forgive yourself for going back to old patterns and behaviors.
Encourage yourself with words you would use to encourage a friend.” Unknown
Good luck and I am on the self-same journey.
We Can Do This!
The sun is shining for a change but it’s still cold. Time to bundle up, step out into nature and to love what is waiting for me out there. It’s time for a walk.
Isn’t it funny how the weather dictates how you feel and takes you soaring and diving depending on what’s out there? It’s that time of year when “dark” is the norm and the sun has taken a well-earned reprieve. Not that it has gone away but you know what I mean.
I’ve been wanting to go for a walk for the last two or three days but unfortunately the weather put a stop to that thought. I did get out for a few minutes yesterday just to feel the cold wind on my face when there was a break in between the never-ending cold and wet drizzle.
The fields were shrouded in grey and there were puddles of water everywhere. I had to pick my way around them and even though there was no one around, I decided against jumping in them. My decision was to “adult” today and not to resort to any childish antics although “adulting” doesn’t bring the twinkle in my eyes as the wanton display of disregard for norms as a child does. I gritted my teeth and kept myself in check as I walked, alone again except for the loud and raucous cawing of a crow somewhere in the trees.
Lately, there has been very little movement out in the fields. The wildlife have taken their cue from Mother Nature and have burrowed themselves deep underground or gathered in the forest somewhere for warmth. Soon, it will be my time to find solace and warmth indoors and to let nature do what it needs to do for the cycle ahead. When the first snowfall hits, I’ll be out here again to see the magic take place as the fields go from drab to a blinding white covered in snow and the trees, oh the wonderful trees will be frosted beautifully, enough to take your breath away. We’ve still got a ways to go yet before that takes place as there is no forecast for snow in the near future. I don’t think dreams of a white Christmas is going to be a reality this year.
Still, I love this time of year even though my mood takes a dive now and then. It doesn’t stay down for long because I’m learning to see the positives instead of always concentrating on the negatives. The glass is half-empty methodology has been turned on its head and now I’m looking at it as being half-full. Gratitude is doing the rest to lift my spirits and to get me on the path to happiness for a change.
Time for a hot cup of coffee and to cuddle under the blanket and to be thankful for all that I have.
It was simple, it didn’t cost anything but it brought a world of relaxation and peace into my being. Walks are my way of relaxing but it is more than that. I find a world that doesn’t depend on material goods or validation from the outside world and what society expects from me. It is a world of endless possibilities and where I can let my imagination run wild. Just half an hour of me being out in nature soothes the mind and calms the beast that I call my mind that tends to run wild at times! It is a time for contemplation and a time to be grateful for all that surrounds me and a reminder that if nature can take care of itself then so can I. That’s my idea of fun or the grown-up version of it anyway.
“As you awaken, you will come to understand that the journey to love isn’t about finding “THE ONE” the journey is about becoming “THE ONE.” Craig Crippen
Ever since I started putting myself back in the dating circle, I’ve asked this question over and over again. How do I spot “The One?” Will he stand out like a sore thumb or will our paths cross and sparks would fly? The answer surprisingly is, you’ll have to look, decipher and discard as you go along to find that one special person. Love like in the movies is for the make-believe theater. Real life is something else.
However, he’s NOT the one if he takes you for granted.
He’s not the one if he enjoys cutting you down to size because it makes him feel good.
He’s definitely not the one if anger is part of his DNA and he goes on a rage fest every chance he gets. If this is the case, he is definitely not the ONE!
He’s not the one if your feelings do not matter to him.
He’s not the one if he’s hung up on someone else and you are just an option.
He’s not the one if he doesn’t take the opportunity to show you how much he cares.
He’s definitely not the one if he doesn’t spoil you!
He’s definitely not the one if he loves you one minute and walks off when someone else catches his fancy.
He’s not the one if being a “woman” in his books means you are the weaker sex.
He’s not the one if he can’t take ‘NO’ for an answer.
He’s not the one if he looks down on you. Nope, definitely not the ONE!
He’s not the one if there isn’t tingling in your cells when he touches you.
He’s definitely not the one if he makes you question your self-worth.
He’s not the one if spending time with you is a chore and not a priority.
On the other hand….
IF HE IS THE ONE….
You’ll never have to question
who he chooses because it will be you every day.
He will be the support that you’ve prayed for, the fantasy that you thought only existed in movies and the friend that will never leave your side.
He will love you, flaws and all, & even past any pain that you’ve ever experienced. He will be intentional about his efforts.
If he’s the one,
you’ll know that you’re a priority,
not a backup plan. Unknown
The problem is not everyone who likes you can be the ONE and there is a difference between friendship and love. You have a right to choose the right person and if that is a problem then he is definitely NOT THE ONE!
“Self-discipline starts with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don’t control what you think, you can’t control what you do.” Napoleon Hill
It has to be trained and that right there is where most of us fail miserably. It is also an art form that has to be told to “heel” when necessary and that’s where the problem comes in. We live in a world where instant gratification is of the utmost importance so throwing self-discipline out the window is easy enough to do and dealing with the consequences is often met with a shrug of the shoulders and a “so what” attitude.
What is self-discipline? According to markcperna.com, it is the “ability to tell ourselves “no” when we feel or want something that our reason tells us is not what’s best right now.”
It could be in the form of saying “no” to an extra slice of cheesecake and yes I still have that fetish, to jumping into bed with someone knowing full well that is the wrong thing to do. One to a lesser degree than the other but we are willing to turn a blind eye and do it anyway. Self-discipline is becoming a lost skill in this instant gratification society of ours and that is the sad truth.
“Without self-discipline, success is impossible. PERIOD.” Lou Holtz
It is a principle that if applied religiously makes your dreams come true. Waking up earlier to do an extra half-hour of exercise, meditation, yoga, whatever is to your liking will get you on the path to achieving that stellar “new” you. Learning to say “NO!” to things that don’t serve you will teach you that if you say it enough it becomes easier to do. This takes practice and especially for me because saying “no” is hard because I am way too accommodating and at times a pushover when it comes to saying no but I am learning.
Another word for it is willpower but whichever word you use, it is the ability to say “NO” when you know doing otherwise is to your detriment. Since it is a learned behavior, you need to learn to master it and to rewire your mindset
Here are some ways to implement self-discipline practices everyday according to medium.com.
They suggest that you stay active when it comes to discipline. Do what you need to do and don’t get distracted. Stick to what you need to get done each day. This is called an Active Discipline method.
The next is the Reactive Discipline tactic. Control your thoughts or behavior when dealing with unforeseen situations. Treat yourself with kindness but know what is right and wrong.
Do things in advance to better manage a situation. If you know it is going to rain, bring an umbrella. Create a to do list or go to bed on time. Keep temptation at a minumum or as the phrase goes, “do not step into the lion’s den” because you know will happen if you do. This last one is called the Proactive Discipline strategy.
However, the quote below says it better:
“Don’t stand in front of the cookie (cheesecake) with your eyes glued to it.” Unknown
It’s a practice and as with every new goal you have to work towards it. It doesn’t just happen once and you’re done with it. It is a constant which requires full-minded focus but the rewards are worth it. You become more adapt at time management, you become mentally stronger, it helps you to overcome laziness and procrastination, and you build better relationships showing more empathy and love. People with higher self-discipline are more trustworthy and likable as well.
What’s not to like? Set it in motion because no self-discipline means no success.
I go for all things organic that includes fruits, vegetables, chicken, eggs and sauerkraut. The last item has been touted as a probiotic which means good for your gut health. I don’t eat it everyday but try to have it at least once every other week. Perfect gut health? So far so good so must be doing something right. Fingers crossed!
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