A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.
“Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered.
“Put that son of a bi**h on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!
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Yup, I’ve got one of those. Little Einstein knows more than I do!
God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.
God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide:
The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The first says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”
What can I say? Well, there is plenty I can say but I’m going to keep my mouth shut!
It has been said that laughter is good for you. According to the MayoClinic people, it can: “Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Activate and relieve your stress response.”
That said, it lifts up your face, puts a happy smile on your whole being and on days like today when nothing much is happening and it is cloudy and windy outside, it helps to bump up your mood.
Here are some quotes to get you laughing and put a smile on your face as it did on mine.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Woman’s Day
Curtis and Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, We shore can! We don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They say, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the fella who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Bailout and Stimulus Programs.
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I’m dying to say something but I’ll keep my mouth shut!
A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”
He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married!”
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy. I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news.”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.
I knew that she had been trying for awhile and told her I thought it was great and that I couldn’t be happier for her.
She said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
She said, “Well we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.”
Amazed at how fast she could know that so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy test in a twin pack. Both tests came out positive!”
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