humor – Page 4 – Site Title

LOL!

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”

He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Seven Sir.”

Teacher: “No listen carefully, if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Six”

Teacher: “Good, now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!!”

Very Angry Teacher: “Where the heck are you getting 7 from?!!”

Very Angry Johnny: “Because I have one at home sir!!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “Ok take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.

“Now get down and craw, reery, reery, reery, fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery, fass back to me.” So she did

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease……worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

Worried the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…..Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a**!”

What a doctor huh?!!

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.

“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”

When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:

“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

BOOM!

LOL!

Husband: “Shall we try a different position tonight?”

Wife: “That’s a good idea. Why don’t you stand by the sink and do the dishes, and I’ll sit on the sofa and watch TV?”

***********************************************************

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth,” even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

************************************************************

A wife asked her car enthusiast husband what he wanted for Christmas. He replies, “Something that goes from zero to 220 in three seconds.”

On Christmas, he unwrapped a bathroom scale.

************************************************************

A wife told her husband, “Go out and get something that makes me look sexy.”

He went out and came back drunk.

How do you think that went?

LOL!

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, shhh don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I…..I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confress,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no…I must die in peace. Becky….I….slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know…” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

*************************************************************

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No, thanks.”

“Well, what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.

Hmm……

LOL!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 iron.” He looks at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a nine iron. BOOM! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.” You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies, “Ribbit lucky frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog,” the man asks. “Ribbit three wood.” The guy takes out the three wood and BOOM! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man shot the best game of his life and asks the frog, “OK, where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. BOOM! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit kiss me.” The guy figures why not. After all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.”

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”

What do you think? “Ribbit, Ribbit, did he get away with it?”

*************************************************************

The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t give her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”

He says, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

MEN!

LOL!

God promised man that good and obedient women would be found in every corner of the earth. Then he made it round.

*********************************************************

A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”

He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

🤣🤣🤣

***********************************************************

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asks gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

MEN!

***********************************************************

LOL!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glovers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut? The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seatbelt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please shut up!” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talks to you this way, Ma’am?” Her reply, “Only when he’s been drinking.”

How many tickets do you think he got after all was said and done?!!

*************************************************************

On their wedding night, a groom asked his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She replies, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

Hmm…..

*************************************************************

A woman was standing nude looking into the bedroom mirror and said to her husband, “I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”

He replied, “Your eyesight’s nearly perfect.”

*************************************************************

Have an amazing day filled with laughter and all things nice.

LOL!

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings,” he explained. “Oh darling, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” His wife responded, “Your horse phoned.”

*************************************************************

Scientists recently reported on a research study indicating that beer contains traces of female hormones. To support their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed their behavior. At the end of the study 100 percent of them talked nonsense and couldn’t drive.

*************************************************************

One morning a conservative business executive came to work wearing an earring in one ear. His coworkers were teasing him when one asked, “When did you start wearing an earring?” He replied, “Since my wife found this one in my car.”

*************************************************************

What do you call a man who has lost 95 percent of his brainpower?

A widower.

************************************************************

What do marriage and tattoos have in common?

Both seemed like a good idea at the time.

Chachi’s Softer Side

The little macho in the fur coat does have a softer side and he has decided to show me his feminine side.

He has toned down his cat antics and now, it’s all about taking “lovey-dovey” to a new high! I’m loving it but it is also a tad scary. I see a “mini-me” in the making. I used to be fearful and a clap of thunder would make me jump. We had a thunderstorm two days ago and when it rolled in, Mr. Macho was nowhere to be found! He only came out of his hiding place when things quieted down and the coast was clear and then he looked at me as if I had caused all that racket!

Working out is getting to be next to impossible. My “workout cat” not only joins in but weaves in and out between my legs making it impossible to continue and then decides it’s “kisses galore” time! Try resisting those puppy dog eyes! Yes, he’s got that one down pat. If you can’t beat them, join them? Exactly what happens. It is only a matter of time before we are down on the mat in a lovefest exchanging snuggles, kisses and hugs! Not that I’m complaining.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that Little Einstein is not what he makes himself out to be. He’s a scaredy cat in every sense of the word! Our morning routine hinges on going down together. He waits patiently until I’m ready to go down and then he dashes down the stairs but not before. I wanted to see if I was just imagining it so I went down with him this morning and left him in the kitchen and went back upstairs. Unbelievable! Within minutes, he was back upstairs “mommy meowing” until he found me!

To top it all, his fur is accommodating his new-found softer side! Suddenly, he is soft as silk and holding him close is a joy indeed. What happened? I don’t know but his new nickname is “Softie!” It suits him just fine and I’m loving this sweetness and gentleness he is showing. However, I know that this softer side will not last. It is only a matter of time before the little guy who wears the pants in this household will show up with that John Wayne stride and with that grin plastered on his face and believe me, it will be sooner than later!

Have an amazing day.