humor – Page 6 – Site Title

LOL!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic….” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language….things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…Please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”

“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these 4-letter words! Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh mama….words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”

Yup, that’ll do it!

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“Oh God,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: “You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

Hmm……..

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.

God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”

AND HE DID!

LOL!

Three men were out golfing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to him, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes on one condition to be named later.”

The man freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but the condition is that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!” The man said, “Oh, that would be okay,” and for his first wish he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world. The frog warned him, “You do realize this wish will also make your wife ten times better looking and the most beautiful woman in the world, and that men will flock to her.” The man replied, “That is okay, because I will be the most handsome man and she will only have eyes for me.” So, poof – he’s the most handsome in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, “That will make your wife ten times richer, thus the richest person in the world.” The man said, “That is okay, because what is mine is hers, and what is hers is mine.” So, poof – he’s the richest man in the world!

The frog then inquired about his third wish and the man answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack….”

I want to find that frog!

A man gets on an airplane and sits next to a beautiful woman. He asks her where she is going. Her reply is that she is going to a nymphomaniac convention. He asks, “What do you learn at a convention like that?”

She says, “I have learned about many myths. Like the myth that Frenchmen are the best lovers. Jewish men are the best lovers. Another myth that I’ve learned about is that African men have the largest sex organs. It’s not African. It’s the American Indian, but I feel a little strange telling you all this when I don’t even know you. What is your name?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.”

Smart guy!

LOL!

ADAM AND EVE

God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.

“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up….”

Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing men should have. Please! Give it to me Pleeease!”

On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name on the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.

“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

Eve asked, “What’s that?”

God said, “BRAINS.”

Ladies be happy we didn’t get that thing and how do you do a helicopter anyway?!!

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Here are two more jokes to tickle your funny bone. I think they are funny but you may think otherwise.

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, “Son, where were you today during school hours?”

Son: “At school.”

The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I went to the movies!” The fathers asks, “Which one?”

Son: “Harry Potter.”

The robot slaps the son again. “Okay, I was watching porn!” The father replies, “What?” When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, “Haha! After all, he is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.

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A man is driving down the road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!” The man immediately leans out his window and yells, “BITCH!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge PIG in the middle of the road.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If only men would listen.

Amen to that!

LOL!

I wasn’t in a good mood yesterday so I went looking for something to lighten the mood and came up with these. It sure did the job so thought I’d share.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Do you think he lived through it?

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Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Hmm?

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” She says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband. “What did he say about your forty-five-year- old a**?

Wife: “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

That’ll teach him to be quiet the next time around.

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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said “Happy Birthday boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out to lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…..naked.

Obviously she wasn’t that kind of secretary but he obviously was that kind of boss!

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Have an amazing day.

LOL!

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back to the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Yup that will do it!

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A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

I bet he’s missing too!

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Have a day filled with laughter.

What Makes Me Laugh?

Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

I would say a lot of things. I look for laughter everyday and it is an effort that I take seriously. It has been said, “laughter is the best medicine,” and I totally agree. A day without laughter in my world is like a day without sunshine. It is tinged with grey and something seems to be sorely lacking.

Seeking laughter is in my daily to-do list. Stand-up comedy is a good source. I love Max Amini and his brand of comedy. He always has me laughing and if that gets boring, I watch comedies which definitely does the trick and puts a sunshiny spin on my mood. Then there is the abundant supply of jokes out there that tickles my funny bone and I have posted some of them here. Not always funny to some but it is to me and that matters.

My most important laughter maker and stress buster is Chachi, the cat, aka Little Einstein. Not a day goes by without laughter from that angle. He doesn’t even have to do anything, just standing there with his front paws crossed has me breaking out in laughter. There is just something about the little guy that brings smiles and laughter in my direction. Perhaps it is called love, the unconditional kind. Whatever it is, I have found my perpetual source of laughter and it is of the happiness kind. He instigates it sometimes unknowingly but it does the trick and most days I wear a smile on my face having indulged in rip-roaring laughter. Laughter is there to be harvested if you just pay attention and decide to give it a chance. Try it, it is a beautiful thing and it gives stress a boot out the door!

Daily writing prompt

What makes you laugh?

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LOL! (7)

English For Both Sexes

The Man’s Guide to Female English

We need = I want

Do what you want = You’ll pay for it later.

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

Is my b**t fat? = Be careful here. Tell her she’s beautiful no matter what!

The Woman’s Guide to Male English...

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex now?

I love you = Let’s have sex now.

Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you then maybe you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.

Do you see a trend here? Men!!

LOL! (6)

It’s Monday and time for a laugh to get the new week started!

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

Computer Gender….

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands the internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Hmm….

Good one but incase you’re wondering computers are gender neutral.