humor – Page 6 – Site Title

LOL!

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back to the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Yup that will do it!

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A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

I bet he’s missing too!

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Have a day filled with laughter.

What Makes Me Laugh?

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I would say a lot of things. I look for laughter everyday and it is an effort that I take seriously. It has been said, “laughter is the best medicine,” and I totally agree. A day without laughter in my world is like a day without sunshine. It is tinged with grey and something seems to be sorely lacking.

Seeking laughter is in my daily to-do list. Stand-up comedy is a good source. I love Max Amini and his brand of comedy. He always has me laughing and if that gets boring, I watch comedies which definitely does the trick and puts a sunshiny spin on my mood. Then there is the abundant supply of jokes out there that tickles my funny bone and I have posted some of them here. Not always funny to some but it is to me and that matters.

My most important laughter maker and stress buster is Chachi, the cat, aka Little Einstein. Not a day goes by without laughter from that angle. He doesn’t even have to do anything, just standing there with his front paws crossed has me breaking out in laughter. There is just something about the little guy that brings smiles and laughter in my direction. Perhaps it is called love, the unconditional kind. Whatever it is, I have found my perpetual source of laughter and it is of the happiness kind. He instigates it sometimes unknowingly but it does the trick and most days I wear a smile on my face having indulged in rip-roaring laughter. Laughter is there to be harvested if you just pay attention and decide to give it a chance. Try it, it is a beautiful thing and it gives stress a boot out the door!

Daily writing prompt

What makes you laugh?

View all responses

LOL! (7)

English For Both Sexes

The Man’s Guide to Female English

We need = I want

Do what you want = You’ll pay for it later.

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

Is my b**t fat? = Be careful here. Tell her she’s beautiful no matter what!

The Woman’s Guide to Male English...

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex now?

I love you = Let’s have sex now.

Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you then maybe you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.

Do you see a trend here? Men!!

LOL! (6)

It’s Monday and time for a laugh to get the new week started!

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Computer Gender….

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands the internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Hmm….

Good one but incase you’re wondering computers are gender neutral.

LOL! (5)

I thought this was funny but you may think different!

Two New Elements Discovered!: WO and XY…

From Christopher G. Worley, Los Alamos Laboratory

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong afinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

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Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good Methane source. Good samples and are able to produce large quantities on demand.

CAUTION: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

LOL! (3)

I’m embracing humor with open arms these days. Jokes, stand-up comedy and anything that tickles the funny bone is all par for the course and believe me it brings joy into my life and a lighter outlook on life. Here are a few more jokes to bring a wholehearted laugh or even a smile to your face.

A Women’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WIFE vs. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically. ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

Smart wife and the husband is on the back of the milk carton by the way!

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An Equal Opportunity Joke!

Not all men are idiots……..

………Some REMAIN single!

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Father and Son

Father: “Son, if you don’t stop playing with that thing you’ll go blind!”

Son: “Dad, I’m over here!”

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Hell’s Rewards!

A guy dies and having been far from perfect in life, finds himself in hell. The devil greets him and says he’ll have to pick from one of three rooms.

He looks in the first room and he sees people screaming in pain as they burn in a massive fire.

He looks in the second room and he sees people being violently torn to shreds by a giant, raging gorilla.

He looks in the third room and there are people sitting in vats of s**t all the way to their neck but they are also drinking coffee. He thinks sitting in s**t is not that great but at least you get coffee. He chooses Room #3. He gets into the vat and he gets his cup of coffee. He takes a sip and thinks, not bad at all. Then the supervisor blows a whistle and says, “OK everyone, break is over. Back on your heads!”

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YOU ARE ENOUGH (Archives)

“You are enough, just as you are.” Meghan Markle

The Duchess of Sussex shared this quote in an interview and how right she is.

How many times have we questioned if we are really enough? How many times have we said if only I was thinner, prettier, more popular, had more friends than life would be better, simpler and I would be enough. More times than you can count on your fingers right? I know I have.

I think to be enough you have to start by loving yourself first. It is not about what society expects of you, the impossible goals it puts out there so that achieving some of them takes us to never never land and leaves us wanting but never quite attaining what is the norm or considered the norm in today’s society of much ado about nothing.

Beyonce said:

“Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.”

I will add, love yourself first and you’re halfway there. Look in the mirror and give yourself a big hug and say, “I love you warts and all!” Yes warts because we do carry those unseen warts around with us. Just the other day someone said to me, “You are your worst critic.” He is right but more appropriately I am my own worst enemy. When I look in that mirror first thing in the morning, I see all that is wrong and those warts, those invisible ones take shape and have the power to obliterate if I allow them. These days, I see someone genuine with potential staring back at me. I smile, give myself a hug and go on my way.

So many of us go through life carrying the burden of I don’t measure up. It is easy to do in this world of ours where perfection and beauty are key buzzwords and measuring up is an uphill task. However, these are just two words. Honesty, integrity, dependability, good-heartedness, helpfulness and so on are all words that carry so much worth that they have the power to blow those two other words, beauty and perfection to kingdom come! Look at you, the real you and you will know that you my friend are enough as you are.

Someone close to me said, “I don’t know if I can make it.” Despair, frustration and a fear of the future are the monsters he will have to slay. He’s at a standstill but this is nothing new. I’ve been there and so have you when the day seems unfathomable and all you want to do is turn out the light, shut out the world and go within yourself and stay there for awhile.

“Today I feel like putting on the “OUT OF ORDER” sticker on my head and going back to bed.” Unknown

However, the trick is in knowing when to crawl out of bed, remove that sign and take life by its reins and to say, “I am enough as I am. You won’t defeat me!”

You are capable, you have the power within you to achieve the impossible and you my friend are stronger than you think!

YOU ARE ENOUGH!

“My mission should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.” Anais Nin

Have an amazing day.

LOL! (Archives)

It has been said that laughter is good for you. According to the MayoClinic people, it can: “Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Activate and relieve your stress response.”

That said, it lifts up your face, puts a happy smile on your whole being and on days like today when nothing much is happening and it is cloudy and windy outside, it helps to bump up your mood.

Here are some quotes to get you laughing and put a smile on your face as it did on mine.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Woman’s Day

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“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” Unknown

By the way I feel like that all the time!

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“Life is not a fairytale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, YOU’RE DRUNK.” Unknown

Probably from some poor girl who didn’t get her guy!

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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” Charlie Brown

Yup that’s me right there!

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Dear life, when I said, “can my day get any worse It was a rhetorical question not a challenge.” Unknown

I don’t care is the reply so buckle up!

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“The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” Sophie Monroe

Been there many times over!

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“I am yours, no refunds.” Unknown

This one is scary! You mean I can’t return you and get a better model?!!

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“Love is a lot like gas, if you have to force it, it’s probably sh**!” Stephen K. Amos

And with that, have a great day.

Laughter is the Best Medicine (Archives)

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Experts say “that laughter might raise the pain threshold and improve glucose tolerance, have positive effects on the immune system, and lower blood pressure.” Furthermore, “it enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.”

However, humor can’t cure all ailments but according to the mayoclinic.org, it has the ability to stimulate many organs, it helps to activate and relieve your stress response and it can soothe tension. These are just some short-term effects. The long-term effects can improve your immune system, help to relieve pain by releasing natural pain killers, increase personal satisfaction and improve the mood.

A daily dose of laughter can do wonders it seems. So here are a few jokes to get you started.

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?

Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Police Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.

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Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel..” The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

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You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and your answer, “I can’t do both.”

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Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”

Patient: “Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.”

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When a wife says, “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Instead, stand still and do not even blink.“

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And now for all the single men out there.

Dear Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you discuss with your wife, always get the last two words right. ”Yes, dear.”

Feel better? I am feeling much better.

YOU ARE ENOUGH

“You are enough, just as you are.” Meghan Markle

The Duchess of Sussex shared this quote in an interview and how right she is.

Beyonce said:

“Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.”

I will add, love yourself first and you’re halfway there. Look in the mirror and give yourself a big hug and say, “I love you warts and all!” Yes warts because we do carry those unseen warts around with us. Just the other day someone said to me, “You are your worst critic.” He is right but more appropriately I am my own worst enemy. When I look into that mirror first thing in the morning, I see all that is wrong and those warts, those invisible ones take shape and have the power to obliterate if I allow them. These days, I see someone genuine with potential staring back at me. I smile, give myself a hug and go on my way.

“Today I feel like putting on the “OUT OF ORDER” sticker on my head and going back to bed.” Unknown

However, the trick is in knowing when to crawl out of bed, remove that sign and take life by its reins and to say, “I am enough as I am. You won’t defeat me!”

You are capable, you have the power within you to achieve the impossible and you my friend are stronger than you think!

YOU ARE ENOUGH!