Healing – Site Title

Too Available?

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Are you? Do you jump in with both feet when someone, a buddy, a family member, and or a stranger needs your help? Do you wear yourself out trying to help them? Do you forget about yourself in the process? Do you wonder what happened when after all the trouble you went through to offer help, you find out that it was all for nothing? The people you chose to help did not show any gratitude and you were left feeling like it was all for nothing?

Welcome to the club of being “Too Available.” Not all of us are built that way. Some of us are and others live to people-please and we take it to a whole new level. I was talking to a friend recently about this problem and he said, “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s a**hole.” It is a well-known idiom meaning, “that trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and ultimately makes you inauthentic or disliked by all.” This phrase is associated with figures like Franz Josef Strauss, and it means”that bending over backward for universal approval leads to a loss of integrity.”

Today’s Lesson:

“Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them.” Unknown

I know plenty of said people. Some are close friends and others family members. Knowing that, it doesn’t make the pain any less hurtful, instead I question why some people are made that way. I guess the answer lies in the fact that people are people and each one is wired differently. The friend went on to say, “Nice people usually get the wrong end of the stick.” Well, he’s German so I think that this is what he meant. There maybe some truth to that assumption. I looked it up and this is what I found.

People-pleasing usually fails because you change your behavior to match whatever everyone else wants. By doing that, your boundaries suffer and there is no clear demarcation or lines drawn.

The truth is you can’t please everyone. Coming back to how people are wired and how each one has opposing values, expectations, and in trying to satisfy everyone, you end up satisfying no one.

You lose respect because by trying to accommodate everyone, you are seen as someone who agrees to everything and therefore not someone with clear principles. Basically, too much availability kills your value.

“Make yourself unavailable for unavailable people, who are only available when they want you to be available.” Mintu Kumar

What to do about this problem?

Never Forget This…..

If you’re always available – people stop valuing you.

If you constantly help – they start using you.

If you stay silent when it hurts – they’ll hurt you more often.

If you settle for less – they’ll never offer more.

If you don’t set limits – they’ll take control.

I don’t know who wrote that but he/she hit the nail on the head. The problem is knowing that, are people-pleasers ready to take that advice and learn from it? Or will it go in one ear and out the other when the next people-pleasing situation arises?

I don’t know but I think it takes practice to say NO or to look away and to stop from rushing to help. I’m not there yet but in time I hope I’ll be wearing a different tag and stop being, “Everybody’s darling” and “not everybody’s a**hole!” It is tiring, it is exhausting, and it hurts when things don’t turn out the way you want it to do and some kind of “thank you” is offered, which usually doesn’t happen.

“Stop being available for people who don’t prioritize you and your time.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

The Hard Things (Archives)

Most of us cringe at the thought of doing the hard things. Be it a break-up, walking away, losing a job and letting go of things that no longer serve us, it is an exceptionally hard thing to do. It is not something we look forward to because it means taking the bull by the horns and waging war on what seems to be an impossible task at first. Given time, patience, perseverance and a hard-headed look at what needs to be done to get to the other side, we find it is doable but not easy.

Easy is not what life is about. If anything, easy is not in its vocabulary. It seems at times that “living” is about going through the hard stuff. Sometimes one and sometimes a string of unsolvable and often times impossible situations but you and I know that it is those hard times and how you deal with them that brings out the strength in you. Sure, it would be easier if we didn’t have to deal with them but when has that stopped life from throwing it our way?

Where would we be without them? Probably having a great time without having to walk through the minefield of the hard stuff all equipped and designed to bring you down to your knees if you make a false move. There is no right or wrong way of going about it, it is trial and error and an undying resilience to take what is handed to you and to make it work for you. We’ve all made those false moves where we’ve crashed and burned and just when you think there is nothing left to do except to pick up the pieces and make the most of it, there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. There is that open door that beckons because as you know when one door closes, another one opens but it is human nature or at least it is mine to look past it and back at the one that has closed and is no longer available.

“Hard things are hard because there are no easy answers or recipes. They are hard because your emotions are at odds with your logic. They are hard because you don’t know the answer and you cannot ask for help without showing weakness.” Ben Horowitz

The hard stuff has kept me captive for longer than I want to admit. Truth is, I don’t do “HARD” well. Holding on is my nemesis, letting go of things that no longer serve me is harder still and moving on, well that is an impossible task at times. I hold on hoping that changes will come my way but it never does. Things happen for a reason, people are the way they are because they are wired that way and looking and hoping is not going to change things. However, whatever life throws your way, there is a lesson in there somewhere but it is hard to see when it first hits you. I think we fail miserably at times because we walk in circles, bang our heads on that closed door and refuse to move on until we are drained of energy and there is nothing else to do but to walk through that open door. Human nature at its best? I think so.

We are fully capable and have the strength within to meet the hard stuff head on and to tame it if necessary. It is the fear of the unknown in sync with the weakness within that works hand-in-hand to stop us in our tracks, makes us tremble where we stand as we whisper, I can’t. You and I have had our baptism by fire in one form or another, of this I am sure. The hard thing is just one more obstacle to overcome, nothing more, nothing less. We tend to make it more than what it is. Life is a never-ending circle of challenges in the form of “hard things” to overcome. It is mixed in with the good stuff but it is the hard stuff that brings forth the real you. Your strength, your power and most of all your ability to slay it where it stands takes courage, growth and an attitude of never giving up which will put the “hard stuff” in its place. Who knows if shown the door more often than not, it might decide to stay away. We can hope can’t we?

“I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things.” Glennon Doyle

Have an amazing day.

Two Weeks to Go!

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Time sure does fly but I’m not having fun! It is four weeks after my first operation and things are going well. When I bring up the second OP to friends and how nervous I am they say, “You’ll be just fine! Look at how well you did with the first one.”

My thought, “Please don’t jinx it!” Yeah, I’m superstitious but more than that this second one coming up is bugging me. It will be a similar procedure and they’ll be going in the same way so this means the healing that has taken place so far will be disturbed once again and that is a scary thought. What if it doesn’t heal this second time around?

Yes, those “what ifs,” are more than scary. I’ve packed my bag, a smaller one than the last time since I didn’t use most of the stuff I brought with me. I hung out in the hospital “Krankenhauskittel” as they call it here with a kimono thrown over for modesty. A kittel is a hospital gown,that has a gaping opening at the back. I hated it but it did the job well enough and I felt as free as a bird as well! Just kidding.

If I’m lucky they’ll let me go home the same day after the operation. What?!! Exactly what I said but the doctors think that I should be okay. If anything like severe bleeding happens, call emergency services immediately and come back in was what they said. I’m a worrywart so all kinds of things are going through my head. What if I have severe bleeding? What if my blood pressure dips? What if I lose consciousness? What if? What if? What if? Get the picture? I am a doctor’s worst nightmare!

Anyway, next week I will meet with the doctors for a last minute talk so I can ask away to my heart’s content. No, actually they will do the prep which will take about 3 to 4 hours. Why that long? The last time I went through this, I met with different people, had a needle stuck in me, blood was taken, urine sample was next and then the doctors came in. I had a whole lot of questions for them all compiled by my Google doctors and by the time I left, they had heard an earful! This time around will be no different. I am prepared and I have a pageful of questions!

Google doctors are NOT real people!

I know but I like them a lot and I think they like me. Keeping them busy is what I do on a daily basis and I will say this, they know what they are talking about. I got loads of help from them this last time and they helped with the healing process.

I can hear my friend screaming, “I still hate them!” He means Google.

I don’t, I have a love affair going with all of them or is it just one? I don’t know and I don’t care!

The question I left out this time is, “Will I die?!!” Otherwise, I have all the pertinent questions, at least I think they are. I am pepping myself up, working out, yes working out. I am up to 30 minutes now with the walking and I have started strength training as well. So far, so good.

I haven’t taken a walk to the fields yet. That might be pushing it so I’ll leave it out for now. I went grocery shopping with a friend today and she did all the heavy lifting since I am still watching that part of it carefully. I walk up and down the stairs with no problems and I’m basically doing the mundane day to day stuff with no problems. Of course, I’m watching my diet but I did buy two slices of cheesecake and I took one tablespoon of it and knew it was a mistake so they are still sitting in the fridge. My Chilean friend, Max, will be coming by later this morning to help me with something so that will be his reward along with a nice cup of coffee.

I hope I don’t start climbing walls again when the time draws closer. Knowing me I’ll not only be climbing walls but staying up there once I get there!

Let’s see how this goes.

Have an amazing day.

Stay The Faith

A beautiful hymn of hope and trust if you’re struggling and wondering what the next chapter holds.

Thank you Jesus.

Lord, Walk with Me Today

A little less than two weeks to go before I go in and a surgeon will have control over my body and I am struggling again. Am I scared? I am. I try not to think about it and I am preparing everything that needs to be done before then. I keep telling friends, “I’m going to die!” Another voice says, “Have Faith.” So I will have faith and hope all goes well and that the surgeon knows what he is doing and I don’t get one with shaky hands! Until then, I will hang on to faith and pray that my God will see me through.

A Life Changing Tip

This is nothing new and I’m sure you’ve heard it before. KEEP MOVING FORWARD! Put one foot in front of the other, make sure you shut the door behind you and move forward one step at a time, one day at a time.

I’ve been through two murders, a heart-wrenching breakup, and I survived. I didn’t think I could at first. I stood still where I was as if rooted to the spot and I couldn’t see anything in front of me. The future was cloudy and shrouded in haze AND moving forward just wasn’t possible. The murders were horrific and I was filled with anger and rage. I wanted revenge. So I stayed where I was, played scenes back in my head and it just kept on going. I forgot that I had a life to live, a son to take care of, and a husband. I had a life! At that time, it didn’t matter anymore. I wanted everything to come to a standstill just as I was standing still. However, life kept on moving and this angered me even more. “I’m in pain, why can’t you just stop for a little while?” I learned that life goes on and you have no choice but to climb back on or get left behind.

It took a while before I could do that. I had to let go of the anger and rage first. Accepting that they were in a better place and no longer in pain also helped. It didn’t happen all at once. It took a long time and that’s alright. Take your time and know what works for you.

My life-changing tip? Know that things happen, sometimes horrific, sometimes not as bad, but whatever it is, keep moving forward. If you have to stop and get off for a while, DO IT! However, don’t stay there for too long. There is a saying that goes like this. “Time and tide wait for no man.” It is the absolute truth.

Keep moving forward and stop looking behind you.

I’m doing exactly that.

Daily writing prompt

If you had to give one life-changing tip, what would it be?

View all responses

LOL!

I wasn’t in a good mood yesterday so I went looking for something to lighten the mood and came up with these. It sure did the job so thought I’d share.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Do you think he lived through it?

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Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Hmm?

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” She says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband. “What did he say about your forty-five-year- old a**?

Wife: “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

That’ll teach him to be quiet the next time around.

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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said “Happy Birthday boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out to lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…..naked.

Obviously she wasn’t that kind of secretary but he obviously was that kind of boss!

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Have an amazing day and HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! Hope you have a peaceful one.

Let It Be

Let It Be. How many times have we heard this phrase? I don’t know about you but I’ve heard it often enough mostly from well-meaning friends, people who care and those who want better for me.

Did it sink in? NOT when I was in the midst of what I call my “end of the world” meltdowns. During these times, “let it be” was the last thing on my mind. However, when you look at these three words, it does hold power behind its seemingly gentle facade. The strength lies in its ability to slow things down, to step back and to take a good hard look at the situation and to say, there is nothing left for me to do so breathe and LET IT BE. Three unassuming words but a powerhouse when it comes to comfort, acceptance and a message of hope.

I want revenge! I want my old friend “karma” to step in and do what I can’t do! I want payback! Unfortunately, revenge is a dangerous option and karma, well it takes its time and that is the problem. Payback? It doesn’t happen automatically. So what do you do while you wait for whatever it is that you’re waiting for to take place? Breathe quietly and LET IT BE.

There is comfort in knowing that you don’t have to do anything. Wipe away the tears, tone down the rhetoric and just LET IT BE.

Acceptance, well this is much more difficult. Accepting means you are ready to let go of an event or situation that has caused so much turmoil. How do you calm this beast down? Breathe deeply and LET IT BE.

Hope is a four letter word that holds power within its unassuming persona. When you zoom into this optimistic state of mind, all things are possible is the message. Armed with comfort, acceptance and hope, I’m going to breathe and LET IT BE, if only for today. Tomorrow is another story!

Today’s mantra will be?

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

The Beatles

Fragments of Yesterday (Archives)

“And then, just like that, my heart broke. My face crumpled, my composure went and I held him tightly and I stopped caring that he could feel the shudder of my sobbing body because grief swamped me. It overwhelmed me and tore at my heart and my stomach and my head and it pulled me under, and I couldn’t bear it. I honestly thought I couldn’t bear it.” Jojo Moyes

That last line held me in its grip and I went along for the ride for as long as it took. “I couldn’t bear it,” was my mantra when the dream splintered into a thousand pieces and lay in fragments at my feet. “This couldn’t be happening to me!” was my other cry but none of that mattered because the end had arrived and there was no going back to what was.

Cheating is one of the most despicable things one human being can do to another. If truth be told, it happens all the time. It has become a norm in this easy come, easy go world of ours. When it happens, you find yourself going under, and in my case I lost my best friend, a long-time life partner I had known and trusted for a long time. The aftermath is hard to describe. I went from a confident woman to someone I didn’t recognize anymore. There was sadness and of course tears but that line, “I couldn’t bear it,” was the slogan that kept me in the hole that someone else had dug for me.

However, let me tell you, YOU are fully capable of bearing it! It may seem like all is lost and you may feel like you’re looking at absolute darkness but I assure you that you’ll find your way into the light as I did. It took courage, strength, forgiving yourself for what wasn’t your fault and to slowly rise again. Rise again you must because you have no other choice! Let me also tell you that you are enough and those “fragments” of a shattered heart will learn to mend itself. You will learn to look at love and life through different glasses and the next time around when love walks in, you will know better.

“Over the years, confusing fragments, lost corners of stories, have a clearer meaning when seen in a new light, a different place.” Michael Ondaatje

I’ve changed from that young and trusting person I used to be. I thought love once yours would remain forever. I gave my trust to a man who had vowed to love me forever, had called me the love of his life and because best friends don’t hurt each other, I had thought we would make it to the very end. Wrong!

However, I can’t change what I want.

“And that was the cause of my heartache. I wanted everything or nothing at all. I’m not impressed by bits, parts, or almost. I’m a seeker of that which is whole, full, and complete. Completely mine or completely not.” Unknown

If that is in the cards for me is left to be seen. Only time will tell. You can overcome the insurmountable and even though you will carry those scars for a lifetime, you are built to survive. You are strong, you are resilient and you are beautiful. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror after it happened. I felt UGLY! It took time to overcome that as well.

Cheating causes emotional turmoil, mental health issues, a trust deficit, low self-esteem and sometimes PTSD-like symptoms. Sounds daunting doesn’t it? IT IS! However, the YOU within is capable of overcoming pain and resilient enough to overcome the challenges that it entails.

“You’re not broken. You’re just becoming. Unfolding slowly – like petals in spring. Give yourself time. ”

AND

“What sticks to memory, often are those odd little fragments that have no beginning and no end….” Tim OBrien

Be kind to yourself, love yourself, build yourself up and learn that those “fragments” which were part of your yesterday can help you towards a better tomorrow. Here’s the thing, YOU CAN BEAR IT!

Have an amazing day.

Living Your Best Life (Archives)

“Put yourself first on your priority list and watch your life get better.” Unknown

One interpretation of living your best life is to “live a life that makes you happy and also one that allows you to live your full potential.” quora.com

Concentrating on yourself is of the utmost importance. If you want to live your best life, put yourself first and foremost on that priority list. It starts with YOU and if you can get your act together everything else falls into place and even if it doesn’t, give it time to right itself out. In the meantime you’re standing where you should be and that is at the top of your list.

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” Unknown

Each day do what is necessary to get yourself back on track. If you’re down on your knees, stand back up. If all you see is grey clouds and no sunshine, make your own sunshine. Put on a smile, get dressed and go out and shine! Never underestimate the power of a smile, it does wonders for your psyche and your soul. So make sure to wear one even if you don’t feel like it.

Talk to yourself. Tell yourself, “I love you!” Sounds crazy? Not really. Sometimes or rather more often than not, we forget the person we carry around with us. The special someone who stands by us through all our big and little moments of sadness, joy, heartbreak and everything else that goes to make up this life of ours. Show it some LOVE. I’ve started doing this practice of positive self-talk and I say, “I love you,” “I’m thankful for your support,” and “I’m grateful for all the things you do for me.” After I finish I give myself a hug, a make-believe one but a hug nonetheless. This has proved to be an absolute game changer and within a few minutes I feel calmer and “happiness” courses through my whole being. Not always but that is okay too.

Here’s another important point. If you want to live your best life, don’t beat yourself up. You’re beautiful as you are and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! We are our own worst enemy and I know I am. I often tell myself, “Your hair looks bad today!” Or that little spot on my face has taken gigantic proportions and is now staring back at me with a grin. Sometimes I say, “I just don’t like how you look!” I’m learning to tone down the rhetoric and to be kinder and gentler with myself. These days if someone says, “You look good,” I accept it wholeheartedly without resorting to, “but that’s not what I saw this morning as I looked in the mirror!” Vanity can be a downer at times but learning to accept yourself flaws is the way to go.

One Day It Clicks

“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Unknown

Go out and live your very best life and while you’re doing it don’t forget to have an amazing day!