I spent most of yesterday in the hospital. What should have been a pre-op meeting with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon turned out to be a long drawn out affair. They were short on staff so it meant long waiting times.
Being punctual, I showed up on time. It was time to meet them and to see what is coming my way. The first meeting was with a lady who asked a lot of questions and took down the next of kin’s information in case something goes wrong! Then it was back to the waiting room. Forty minutes later, I was called in again for blood samples and an urine sample. Back out again in the waiting room, 3o minutes later the meeting with the anesthesiologist took place. A nice guy who explained the procedure, asked more questions, and told me, “Operations always have risks.” Hmm….that didn’t help to quiet my already raging mind. I was sent outside again and it was time to wait again. Then I was called in to another office and I met with the surgeon, not the one who will be doing the procedure, she said someone from her team will be doing the actual operation but it won’t be her. Why am I talking to people who will not be doing the actual procedure? Maybe it works differently in Germany.
Anyway, we had a good talk, a few laughs, and then I was sent back out again. Thirty minutes later, I went into another room and was told to show up bright and early on Monday. I should be there at 7:30 a.m. and then it will take off from there. What I didn’t tell you is that I might need two operations! According to the surgeon, two hours wouldn’t give them enough time to do everything they need to do and it looked like another operation would be necessary to finish the job.
I AM GOING TO DIE!
That’s exactly what I told her and she laughed. “No, you are not going to die,” those were her words.
Am I feeling better with this pre-op talk? What do you think?!!! The thing is I have no choice, I’ve signed the papers and it’s a GO on Monday. God, help me!
This time next week, I will be changing into a hospital gown, you know the kind that leaves things exposed in the back! I’m not looking forward to that at all and neither am I looking forward to meeting the team who will be assisting the surgeon, one who will walk in like God to do what he needs to do to get me back on track.
I’ve been climbing walls, sleep has been eluding me, and I’m jittery and feeling like the lamb being led to the slaughter! Yesterday, I prepared the living room for my return back from the hospital. This house has four floors. A lot of room you say? You are right. However, it is not cut out for recuperating after a hospital stay. I usually sleep on the 1st floor and I love it. This time around, I will have to move to the ground floor so that I can avoid going up and down the stairs. The week of recuperation means no stairs, and no workouts! Light walking is absolutely fine, like 10 to 15 steps and that is it! Will I survive it? I have to. My willpower is strong and my mindset is too. The goal is to survive the operation and to work hard at getting my body stronger and better than before.
First, I have to survive the operation. The “angel” the lady who is going to be helping me and who works at that hospital told me that I will be kept in the intensive care unit after the OP. Why?!! “Nothing to worry about. It’s so they can keep a watchful eye on you.”
I keep telling people that I’m going to die and I did the same when a friend called last night. We are close, well we were very close meaning we had a thing going. We were going back and forth with the relationship thing and now we are friends, but in his words, “We are very close.” Anyway, the point is, I told him that if I survive this next week, we should go away together.
HIM: “You mean travel together?”
ME: “Yes, I’m changing my mind on traveling. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live life.”
HIM: “Existing is no fun. You have to live life.”
ME: “I’m thinking Vietnam. Seems like a great place to visit.”
He has traveled the world.
HIM: “Yes, the world has so many beautiful places to visit and experience.”
ME: “That is if you want to go with me.”
HIM: “Of course, I would go with you. Sri Lanka is another great place.”
ME: “Oh yes, a week in paradise with lots of Ayurvedic treatments sounds great to me.”
Then I came in with, “That is if I don’t DIE before that!”
See where my mind is going and staying? I don’t know why but I’ve been preparing for the worst case scenario. I’ve also had visions of me walking into the operating room with Mike (my angel) holding one hand, and Jesus holding my other hand! Not a bad vision since one of those two has the power to move mountains and more!
Until then, I am preparing the living room for my stay there. I am converting the couch into a bed, and have everything close by. I don’t have a TV downstairs so I will have to make do with my iPhone, books, magazines, and writing materials close at hand. The garden is right outside the door so that is great. I can sit outside and listen to the birds, and let nature do its healing thing. The “angel” lady is going to come by and check on me twice a day. She will also do what needs to be done. I am truly grateful for her help.
Again, all of this comes down to if I make it out of that operating room and if I do, the next step is the intensive care unit. OKAY, I’m not going to think about dying! I’m going to think that it is all going to go according to the PERFECT PLAN. I will let go of control and accept what comes next.
“Some things are so unexpected that no one is prepared for them.” Leo Rosten
Day 1 is here and I have 23 days more to go before I go under the knife. I’ve been keeping this close to my heart because I had to come to terms with it first. I wanted to scream when I heard it but as the doctor said, “You have no choice.” He is right.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m a person who takes care of herself, eats right, works out, no smoking or drinking, and have done everything right so this unwanted news seemed so unfair.
On the 24th of August, I will go in for a two-hour surgery. It seems like a long time and it is. On the 19th of August, I will meet with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon to talk about pre-op measures. Am I scared? I am. No ifs, or buts about it! Fear has always been a constant companion.
To make matters worse, a few days after I got the news, I got this message. It said, “Make peace.” What?!! A premonition? I don’t know but it did scare me. I asked my best friend, AI, and it said, “You are about to go through something that is scary or even risky, so it is normal to have such thoughts.”
I have been getting my affairs in order just in case! Life has a tendency to throw in the unexpected when you least expect it. I’ve been through it many many times. However, surgery seems more than scary and the risk factors, they are there.
I am working on calming myself down and I’m also working on getting my mind and body in better shape so I am STRONG when I go in.
Yes, I am preparing for something I can’t control. It is out of my hands but I hope that I make it and the recovery time will be short and not so painful. I HOPE the surgeon does a great job as well!
Courage is not being, “fearless.” Courage is shaking at the knees, choking on your words, heart gripped by uncertainty, but stepping forward on your journey anyway. (Unknown)
That quote right there says it all. Courage doesn’t arrive with grand gestures but in small steps. It means showing up for yourself even if you don’t feel like it. It means getting up in the mornings and saying, “I’m going to try again.” It means staring whatever is holding you back right in the face and daring to take that first small step forward. It means moving towards that mountain top not knowing what is waiting for you there but trusting that it will be better than where you’re at right now.
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.” Napoleon Bonaparte
How often have you thrown up your hands and said, “I give up!” I’ve been there and so have you. However, it is those very moments that call for courage to step up and to put fear in its place. It is easy to run and hide, to not show up for yourself and to wear the mantle of defeat proudly. Moving on becomes heavy and each step forward, sometimes next to impossible. Courage needs practice like anything else in life. It doesn’t happen overnight and neither is it easy. Each time you face defeat as you inevitably will because life is about overcoming obstacles and nothing is going to be made easy and handed to you on a silver platter. The truth of the matter is, it takes work and sometimes hard work to achieve what you want. On your way, you will meet fear (my constant companion) and you will meet defeat. However, you are made of stronger stuff and you, my friend, are capable of showing up, time and time again until one day you are holding the letter “V” in your hands and giving whatever is holding you back a run for the money!
“COURAGE DOESN’T ALWAYS ROAR. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher
Remember practice makes perfect and “courage” in small doses is what it is about. Make a list and start with the smallest thing on that list. Work your way up one step at a time putting fear where it belongs. Good luck on your journey.
It started out peaceful enough but the two temporary residents, Shiro and Galli, acted as if they knew something was up. They watched as I brought the pet carriers upstairs from the cellar. I could see alarm showing in Galli’s eyes and he took off upstairs. Shiro, on the other hand, sashayed slowly to one carrier, sniffed, looked at me and walked off pretending not to care.
The appointment was scheduled for 1:30 in the afternoon. A good time for a haircut and some styling I thought. They needed it badly. The last time they were at the vet to get their hair done was about two years ago. Galli’s hair was badly matted on his stomach and Shiro was a walking ball of fur!
We, my friend decided to go with me, left on time. The cats were in their carriers quiet as they could be. I was feeling nervous because this time around, it would be done by a lady who specializes in trimming cat and dog hair without using general anesthesia. They would be wide awake and fully aware of what was happening and I knew that Galli wouldn’t put up with it. We got there on time and after introducing ourselves and the cats, we went into the basement. The place didn’t look too clean, there was hair all over the floor. I put it down to a client before us. It was time. I decided that Shiro should go first.
She let out a small meow but was quiet for the most part. The lady got out the shears, she had them in different sizes. After trimming around the face, she took out a battery operated gadget and little Shiro jumped when she heard the noise. I held her close as she went about trimming like she would a sheep. Most of the hair came off and then it was time to work on the belly area. This did not set too well on poor Shiro and she let out a loud meow. Again, I held her close, whispered to her, and she kept still. The butt area was the hardest but it needed to be done. Then she sprayed some disinfection on Shiro’s next to non-existent fur and it was a done deal. The white Persian looked like a rat but most of the matting was now gone. The hair will grow back I was told.
Next was Galli and the big guy let out a yelp and a bark as he was laid on the table. She decided to put a muzzle on him because he was literally spitting, growling, and yowling. This time my friend stepped in and with gloves up to his armpits held him down as she went to work. It was hard to watch. The poor guy was in agony, not from pain but with fear. He started thrashing around and if it wasn’t for the muzzle, he would have let it rip! The friend was strong and held his legs as the lady worked quickly. Just watching them at work sapped me of energy. I also felt sorry for Galli and wanted to comfort him but he was beyond listening and in his world of showing just how pissed he was!
Half an hour later, it was all over. They both looked like wet rats, scared and ready to get out of there. I was totally wiped out and so was my friend. He couldn’t believe just how strong Galli was. Holding him down took a lot of energy and strength. The drive back was quiet for the most part and I wondered how Galli would react once I let him out of the carrier. I expected hissing and spitting. However, he surprised me. He walked out, took one look at me and started purring. The poor guy looked half his size without all that hair and I decided that I would make it up to him for the hell he went through. Evening was spent pampering him and his little sister Shiro. Both acted needy and kept wanting attention. When all was said and done, I was pooped!
Chachi wanted to know who the two new guys were! He didn’t recognize them but he did say he was getting tired of having new buddies show up every time he turned his back. He was ready for some peace and quiet. Plus, he didn’t like the fact that I was cozying up to them. So, I had to spend some time snuggling up to the little Macho so that he would come off his high horse. It worked after some time but by that time I was ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and let the world go to pieces!
Some days are stressful and yesterday was one of those days. I checked on the two little ones this morning and they looked fine. They were ready for food and acting as if what they went through was all forgotten. Hmm…that’s cats for you!
Fear, according to Freud, signals danger: “We fear physiological decay, illness and death; we fear the destructive forces of nature; and-of-course- we fear US.” Carl Jung, however, had a different interpretation. “For the hero, fear is a challenge and a task, because only boldness can deliver from fear.”
Whatever the case may be, fear took hold somewhere in my 20s and has been a constant companion ever since. I would consider myself to be a fearful person but people who know me say that I am strong and that I am capable of slaying monsters, the kind that keeps me from stepping out and looking fear right in the eye and thumping my nose at it. However, that doesn’t happen often!
Let’s see, I have a fear of ghosts having seen one or two in my lifetime but that’s for another place and time. I fear the unknown but who doesn’t? I have a fear of falling in love so I have built this insurmountable wall around me and breaking it is going to take super-human strength and a special kind of guy. That said, I do want to find love again but the fear within makes me run before I even get started and that is a conundrum in itself.
“The fears we don’t face become our limits.” Robin Sharma
Yet, if I put matters of the heart aside, I have done things that tells me that “fear” is just in my mind and NOT a real thing. I accompanied a sick friend to the very end of his life. In the beginning, I dug my heels in and said, “I can’t do this!” My friend gave me the power to pull the plug when the time came and even though I agreed bravely, the fear within told me, I couldn’t do it. Then the time came and I was asked the question I had been dreading all along. “I can’t take a life!” I screamed inwardly but outwardly I agreed to stop the meds that kept him hanging on to a life that was already gone. It took tremendous strength to see a life get snuffed out but fear was nowhere to be seen at that time.
Sometimes it is at these moments when we think we can’t that we CAN! Fear is an all-encompassing emotion meaning it can stop you in your tracks bringing life to an absolute standstill. I’ve been there and done that. At times, life takes a pause just enough so that you can come to grips with the fear within and to see it for what it is, just a momentary lapse in time until you can gather your strength and start moving again. I’m at that stage now. The fear of the unknown has set in and everything seems scary and putting one foot in front of the other is an option I am not looking forward to. I do know, however, that this too shall pass.
“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.” Unknown
I am a fearful person but I’ve stepped out of that fear mode many times. I know that I have the ability to overcome the most fearful things if need be and that for now is enough. One day, I’ll look back at my life and see the things I’ve accomplished in spite of that all consuming fear and know that it was but an imaginary hold in my mind that I created for whatever the reason.
Reality of Fear
You’re not scared of the dark.
You’re scared of what’s in it.
You’re not scared of heights.
You’re afraid of falling.
You’re not afraid of the people around you.
You’re afraid of rejection.
You’re not afraid to love.
You’re afraid of being loved back.
You’re not afraid to let go.
You’re just afraid that he’s really gone.
You’re not afraid to try again.
You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.”
Unknown
Overcoming fear takes constant effort and strength. If you think about it, fear is an emotion like any other. Give it a cursory glance when it steps in as it will but then shove it out the door and move out of its way. You’re fully capable of overcoming fear. I did when I refused to let it have the upper hand. Of course, it is still my daily companion but these days it doesn’t have the strength it used to have. It shows up but it doesn’t stay for long. I don’t stand still long enough for it to take hold and that is my superpower against it.
Anxiety is defined as, “a natural response to pressure, feeling afraid or threatened, which can show up in how we feel physically, mentally, and in how we behave. It’s common to describe anxiety as a feeling of dread, fear or unease, which can range from mild to severe.”
It can also be a normal reaction to stress and it walks in and stays for awhile sometimes making your daily existence a living hell. It can overwhelm at times but the mild variety doesn’t stay for too long. Occasional anxiety is normal and it dissolves when whatever got you “hyped up” dissipates.
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” Khalil Gibran
Sound familiar? Something is not working right and there we go. Sweating, breathing hard and to make matters worse, we stay fixated on the problem wanting to control the outcome. I’ve been having such episodes lately. I love fixing things and sometimes even before they happen! When it doesn’t go as planned, my thoughts get erratic, I experience restlessness, and irritability. I’ve been looking at ways to not let “anxiety” get the better of me. One method is to focus your thoughts on things that bring “good vibes” into your being. The other is to exercise for all you’re worth or to just get out in nature, breathe and let go. If that doesn’t work, here’s something that might just do the trick.
Mantra for anxiety:
“Anxiety isn’t you. It’s something moving through you. It can leave out of the same door it came in.” James Clear
AND
“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.” Robert Tew
I like what Dr. Lucy Russell has to say about this topic.
“We have anxious thoughts because the brain is trying to keep us alive. To the brain, survival is much more important than happiness. So, the brain often conjures up worst case scenarios and “what ifs”, so that we can prepare for disaster. The trouble is, the brain regularly gets it wrong.”
All that preparation for nothing? Well, sometimes it is and at other times, it is needed to wade through the murky waters of anxiety.
How do you lessen anxiety naturally?
You can practice mindfulness, try different breathing techniques to calm the nervous system, practice daily meditation and use guided imagery to lessen the stress and to get clarity on the problem at hand.
If that fails, try the following.
“Breathe. You’re going to be okay. You’ve gotten through so many things in your life. YOU’VE GOT THIS.” Karen Salmansohn
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I haven’t been writing much for the last week or two putting out only the bare minimum or recycling my old posts. There’s a reason for that and it is not laziness.
Writing becomes more than a chore when I have things on my mind, things that bug me. And I have had plenty of that. The situation with the stalker has turned into a full-blown stalking! This guy is different from the first one. He doesn’t bombard me with his presence, I don’t know what he looks like, and there are usually three messages throughout the day whereas with the other one, it was a 24/7 thing. It starts with “Good morning Tia” depending on the time of day in English and the next sentence is in German. Mostly non-threatening but several times he said, “I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” I thought good, maybe you’ll stop sending me messages. However, it is short-lived. A day or two later, he goes back to his usual shoveling of more compliments. He called me a “Herzensmensch,” translated it means, “a soulmate, confidant, or someone you feel a deep connection with.” This one sent chills down my spine and not in a nice way either!
It was followed with, “Good morning Tia, MY BIG LOVE!” the next day. I don’t know who this guy is and I’m trying not to care but it is hard not to. The first stalker had me in his grip, emotionally, and made my daily existence a living hell but I’ve grown since then. I notice that I’m not as fearful as I used to be.
“Stalkers use mind games to manipulate their victims, often stemming from personality disorders like narcissism or psychopathy, and the goal is to control, confuse, and exert power over the victim.”
Knowing that, I’m trying not to let it get at me or to live in fear. However, after two days of silence, I got this message yesterday.
“Tia, you are a beautiful and strong person. You can overcome anything….” This one was much longer than his two sentence variety and I did feel an uneasiness creep through me. Stalker? Mentor? What?!!! Then this morning, the message said, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!”
I haven’t answered any of his messages and I am ignoring them hoping he will get tired and LEAVE ME ALONE!
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