You’re not alone.
Tag: fear
The Prep
The first OP went better than I expected. I thought I was going to die but I’m still here and recuperating. The wound seems to be healing and I made six rounds in the garden today, walking from one end to other with no problems. Still, I am impatient and I want to get back to my normal routine of 40 minutes of bone-busting workouts!
Patience you say? Exactly what friends are saying. Anyway, the second OP is looming in the not so distant future, less than five weeks away and I’ll be wheeled into that operating room again. Seems like a long time before that happens but I know it is just a matter of time before I am staring it in the face!
I prepared like an athlete for the first one. Working out with weights, cardio, walks, meditation, and eating right were all part and parcel of my daily routine. It seemed to help because I was up and walking a few hours after the procedure and did 4 or 5 rounds in the hospital room with no help at all. Add no pain to it, no meds and no painkillers and it seemed like I was coasting through on clouds. Well, not quite. I was still attached to a couple of things but according to the Gods, the doctors, I was doing exceptionally well.
Coming back to the second OP, this one is going to be different. I know what to expect but the outcome is still unknown. Plus, I’m not able to workout like I want. These itty bitty walks in the garden is not going to do it. Keeping off my feet and resting is not going to do it either so I’m worried. Will I fare as well?
I don’t know and that is scaring the …. out of me! Planning ahead has always been my thing and I try not to leave things to chance. I find that I can’t do that with this one. Have faith? I am trying but just when I think I’ve conquered my fears, another bigger and stronger one rolls in. It comes in waves.
Concentrating on what I can control is my next step. Today, I made my six rounds in the garden. Then I got my bag and decided to pack the essentials again. This time a much smaller bag. Wishful thinking? Maybe, but fingers, toes, and everything else crossed!
The bag is not fully packed, it never is. I am “female” remember. We always need more. The next step is to eat right, try not to lift anything that could cause problems and get myself out of the house! It is getting claustrophobic!
A friend is going to come by later and drive me to the cafe. We plan to have coffee and breakfast there and people watch for a little while. It should be a good outing and will do wonders for my mind and psyche.
Have an amazing day.
It Spooked!
Do you believe in ghosts? I do having seen a few in my lifetime especially in Asia during my stay there. That was in Asia, I am in Europe now and it seems they exist here as well.
Some of you know that I spent a week in the hospital just recently. The first day after the operation, I was in a hospital bed and I had the room to myself. I was too pissed about all the attachments I had taking up space and one foreign object within me. The last one didn’t set too well with me. I had no choice in the matter and it would stay for another four days!
Anyway, coming back to the spooky part. The first night in the hospital was quiet and the night staff were noisy. They were talking and cutting up. I listened for a while not being able to sleep. The day had been filled with unknowns and my body was refusing to quiet down. It was still on high alert.
I was dozing on and off when I finally woke up with a start. I saw this older woman dressed in a 50s style cardigan paired with a below the knee skirt. Her hair was all white and she was facing away from me! She had a walking aid in front of me and was moving slowly towards the door! I gulped and sat up. Then I saw him. He was much younger and dressed in navy blue shorts. Looked like he had an injury to one leg and had a crutch under one arm. He was also moving towards the door, his back facing me!
What did I see?!! Just my hyped-up brain playing tricks on me or was it what I think it was? I don’t know but I stayed up for the rest of the night! I didn’t see anything else during my stay there. If you’re thinking it was the meds or the painkillers, I wasn’t on any.
Hmm…it is interesting how the details remain. I still see her in my mind’s eye, she was skinny and the cardigan had an orange floral pattern on it. I’m glad they left me alone!
SPOOKY!
A Tough Day
I spent most of yesterday in the hospital. What should have been a pre-op meeting with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon turned out to be a long drawn out affair. They were short on staff so it meant long waiting times.
Being punctual, I showed up on time. It was time to meet them and to see what is coming my way. The first meeting was with a lady who asked a lot of questions and took down the next of kin’s information in case something goes wrong! Then it was back to the waiting room. Forty minutes later, I was called in again for blood samples and an urine sample. Back out again in the waiting room, 3o minutes later the meeting with the anesthesiologist took place. A nice guy who explained the procedure, asked more questions, and told me, “Operations always have risks.” Hmm….that didn’t help to quiet my already raging mind. I was sent outside again and it was time to wait again. Then I was called in to another office and I met with the surgeon, not the one who will be doing the procedure, she said someone from her team will be doing the actual operation but it won’t be her. Why am I talking to people who will not be doing the actual procedure? Maybe it works differently in Germany.
Anyway, we had a good talk, a few laughs, and then I was sent back out again. Thirty minutes later, I went into another room and was told to show up bright and early on Monday. I should be there at 7:30 a.m. and then it will take off from there. What I didn’t tell you is that I might need two operations! According to the surgeon, two hours wouldn’t give them enough time to do everything they need to do and it looked like another operation would be necessary to finish the job.
I AM GOING TO DIE!
That’s exactly what I told her and she laughed. “No, you are not going to die,” those were her words.
Am I feeling better with this pre-op talk? What do you think?!!! The thing is I have no choice, I’ve signed the papers and it’s a GO on Monday. God, help me!
A Week to Go!
This time next week, I will be changing into a hospital gown, you know the kind that leaves things exposed in the back! I’m not looking forward to that at all and neither am I looking forward to meeting the team who will be assisting the surgeon, one who will walk in like God to do what he needs to do to get me back on track.
I’ve been climbing walls, sleep has been eluding me, and I’m jittery and feeling like the lamb being led to the slaughter! Yesterday, I prepared the living room for my return back from the hospital. This house has four floors. A lot of room you say? You are right. However, it is not cut out for recuperating after a hospital stay. I usually sleep on the 1st floor and I love it. This time around, I will have to move to the ground floor so that I can avoid going up and down the stairs. The week of recuperation means no stairs, and no workouts! Light walking is absolutely fine, like 10 to 15 steps and that is it! Will I survive it? I have to. My willpower is strong and my mindset is too. The goal is to survive the operation and to work hard at getting my body stronger and better than before.
First, I have to survive the operation. The “angel” the lady who is going to be helping me and who works at that hospital told me that I will be kept in the intensive care unit after the OP. Why?!! “Nothing to worry about. It’s so they can keep a watchful eye on you.”
I keep telling people that I’m going to die and I did the same when a friend called last night. We are close, well we were very close meaning we had a thing going. We were going back and forth with the relationship thing and now we are friends, but in his words, “We are very close.” Anyway, the point is, I told him that if I survive this next week, we should go away together.
HIM: “You mean travel together?”
ME: “Yes, I’m changing my mind on traveling. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live life.”
HIM: “Existing is no fun. You have to live life.”
ME: “I’m thinking Vietnam. Seems like a great place to visit.”
He has traveled the world.
HIM: “Yes, the world has so many beautiful places to visit and experience.”
ME: “That is if you want to go with me.”
HIM: “Of course, I would go with you. Sri Lanka is another great place.”
ME: “Oh yes, a week in paradise with lots of Ayurvedic treatments sounds great to me.”
Then I came in with, “That is if I don’t DIE before that!”
See where my mind is going and staying? I don’t know why but I’ve been preparing for the worst case scenario. I’ve also had visions of me walking into the operating room with Mike (my angel) holding one hand, and Jesus holding my other hand! Not a bad vision since one of those two has the power to move mountains and more!
Until then, I am preparing the living room for my stay there. I am converting the couch into a bed, and have everything close by. I don’t have a TV downstairs so I will have to make do with my iPhone, books, magazines, and writing materials close at hand. The garden is right outside the door so that is great. I can sit outside and listen to the birds, and let nature do its healing thing. The “angel” lady is going to come by and check on me twice a day. She will also do what needs to be done. I am truly grateful for her help.
Again, all of this comes down to if I make it out of that operating room and if I do, the next step is the intensive care unit. OKAY, I’m not going to think about dying! I’m going to think that it is all going to go according to the PERFECT PLAN. I will let go of control and accept what comes next.
AMEN TO THAT!
Take My Hand, Lord
I think I’ve said this many times over but I’ll say it again. He is my kind of guy! Beautiful hymn that helps to stay the fear.
The Countdown Begins
“Some things are so unexpected that no one is prepared for them.” Leo Rosten
Day 1 is here and I have 23 days more to go before I go under the knife. I’ve been keeping this close to my heart because I had to come to terms with it first. I wanted to scream when I heard it but as the doctor said, “You have no choice.” He is right.
It doesn’t make it any easier. I’m a person who takes care of herself, eats right, works out, no smoking or drinking, and have done everything right so this unwanted news seemed so unfair.
On the 24th of August, I will go in for a two-hour surgery. It seems like a long time and it is. On the 19th of August, I will meet with the anesthesiologist and the surgeon to talk about pre-op measures. Am I scared? I am. No ifs, or buts about it! Fear has always been a constant companion.
To make matters worse, a few days after I got the news, I got this message. It said, “Make peace.” What?!! A premonition? I don’t know but it did scare me. I asked my best friend, AI, and it said, “You are about to go through something that is scary or even risky, so it is normal to have such thoughts.”
I have been getting my affairs in order just in case! Life has a tendency to throw in the unexpected when you least expect it. I’ve been through it many many times. However, surgery seems more than scary and the risk factors, they are there.
I am working on calming myself down and I’m also working on getting my mind and body in better shape so I am STRONG when I go in.
Yes, I am preparing for something I can’t control. It is out of my hands but I hope that I make it and the recovery time will be short and not so painful. I HOPE the surgeon does a great job as well!
Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed!
A Good Question
What will they do if they ever ran out of fear?
Courage in Practice
Courage is not being, “fearless.” Courage is shaking at the knees, choking on your words, heart gripped by uncertainty, but stepping forward on your journey anyway. (Unknown)
That quote right there says it all. Courage doesn’t arrive with grand gestures but in small steps. It means showing up for yourself even if you don’t feel like it. It means getting up in the mornings and saying, “I’m going to try again.” It means staring whatever is holding you back right in the face and daring to take that first small step forward. It means moving towards that mountain top not knowing what is waiting for you there but trusting that it will be better than where you’re at right now.
“Courage isn’t having the strength to go on – it is going on when you don’t have strength.” Napoleon Bonaparte
How often have you thrown up your hands and said, “I give up!” I’ve been there and so have you. However, it is those very moments that call for courage to step up and to put fear in its place. It is easy to run and hide, to not show up for yourself and to wear the mantle of defeat proudly. Moving on becomes heavy and each step forward, sometimes next to impossible. Courage needs practice like anything else in life. It doesn’t happen overnight and neither is it easy. Each time you face defeat as you inevitably will because life is about overcoming obstacles and nothing is going to be made easy and handed to you on a silver platter. The truth of the matter is, it takes work and sometimes hard work to achieve what you want. On your way, you will meet fear (my constant companion) and you will meet defeat. However, you are made of stronger stuff and you, my friend, are capable of showing up, time and time again until one day you are holding the letter “V” in your hands and giving whatever is holding you back a run for the money!
“COURAGE DOESN’T ALWAYS ROAR. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher
Remember practice makes perfect and “courage” in small doses is what it is about. Make a list and start with the smallest thing on that list. Work your way up one step at a time putting fear where it belongs. Good luck on your journey.
Have an amazing day.
One of Those Days
It started out peaceful enough but the two temporary residents, Shiro and Galli, acted as if they knew something was up. They watched as I brought the pet carriers upstairs from the cellar. I could see alarm showing in Galli’s eyes and he took off upstairs. Shiro, on the other hand, sashayed slowly to one carrier, sniffed, looked at me and walked off pretending not to care.
The appointment was scheduled for 1:30 in the afternoon. A good time for a haircut and some styling I thought. They needed it badly. The last time they were at the vet to get their hair done was about two years ago. Galli’s hair was badly matted on his stomach and Shiro was a walking ball of fur!
We, my friend decided to go with me, left on time. The cats were in their carriers quiet as they could be. I was feeling nervous because this time around, it would be done by a lady who specializes in trimming cat and dog hair without using general anesthesia. They would be wide awake and fully aware of what was happening and I knew that Galli wouldn’t put up with it. We got there on time and after introducing ourselves and the cats, we went into the basement. The place didn’t look too clean, there was hair all over the floor. I put it down to a client before us. It was time. I decided that Shiro should go first.
She let out a small meow but was quiet for the most part. The lady got out the shears, she had them in different sizes. After trimming around the face, she took out a battery operated gadget and little Shiro jumped when she heard the noise. I held her close as she went about trimming like she would a sheep. Most of the hair came off and then it was time to work on the belly area. This did not set too well on poor Shiro and she let out a loud meow. Again, I held her close, whispered to her, and she kept still. The butt area was the hardest but it needed to be done. Then she sprayed some disinfection on Shiro’s next to non-existent fur and it was a done deal. The white Persian looked like a rat but most of the matting was now gone. The hair will grow back I was told.
Next was Galli and the big guy let out a yelp and a bark as he was laid on the table. She decided to put a muzzle on him because he was literally spitting, growling, and yowling. This time my friend stepped in and with gloves up to his armpits held him down as she went to work. It was hard to watch. The poor guy was in agony, not from pain but with fear. He started thrashing around and if it wasn’t for the muzzle, he would have let it rip! The friend was strong and held his legs as the lady worked quickly. Just watching them at work sapped me of energy. I also felt sorry for Galli and wanted to comfort him but he was beyond listening and in his world of showing just how pissed he was!
Half an hour later, it was all over. They both looked like wet rats, scared and ready to get out of there. I was totally wiped out and so was my friend. He couldn’t believe just how strong Galli was. Holding him down took a lot of energy and strength. The drive back was quiet for the most part and I wondered how Galli would react once I let him out of the carrier. I expected hissing and spitting. However, he surprised me. He walked out, took one look at me and started purring. The poor guy looked half his size without all that hair and I decided that I would make it up to him for the hell he went through. Evening was spent pampering him and his little sister Shiro. Both acted needy and kept wanting attention. When all was said and done, I was pooped!
Chachi wanted to know who the two new guys were! He didn’t recognize them but he did say he was getting tired of having new buddies show up every time he turned his back. He was ready for some peace and quiet. Plus, he didn’t like the fact that I was cozying up to them. So, I had to spend some time snuggling up to the little Macho so that he would come off his high horse. It worked after some time but by that time I was ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and let the world go to pieces!
Some days are stressful and yesterday was one of those days. I checked on the two little ones this morning and they looked fine. They were ready for food and acting as if what they went through was all forgotten. Hmm…that’s cats for you!
