There are good people, bad people, kind people, caring people, cruel people and the list goes on. All just labels? I don’t think so. There are reasons why those labels exist, it is because such people do exist. Just listen to the news of today, the labels we place on people because bullying is seen as a rightful act where some are concerned, and is a norm today. The “ugly people” carry on with their daily bashing of others simply because social media has given them a platform to do so. It is more than cringeworthy and sometimes downright mean and cruel. I don’t need to name names but it is plain to see if you follow the news.
Coming back to being a good person and the question at hand, I think being a “good person” carries a lot of weight. I also believe that a good person acts with moral integrity. It means matching your words with your actions. This is hard to do but a good person has it ingrained within them. Secondly, a good person has empathy. It is not always about them. viewing life from another angle or from another person’s viewpoint is at the core of their being. Finally, I believe that a good person knows how to act with compassion towards others, and takes responsibility for their mistakes and tries to do better the next time around.
Am I good person? I think I am or at least I try to be. I have those core values ingrained within me through practice but as they say, practice makes perfect but it takes time and that is understood as well.
Are you? Do you jump in with both feet when someone, a buddy, a family member, and or a stranger needs your help? Do you wear yourself out trying to help them? Do you forget about yourself in the process? Do you wonder what happened when after all the trouble you went through to offer help, you find out that it was all for nothing? The people you chose to help did not show any gratitude and you were left feeling like it was all for nothing?
Welcome to the club of being “Too Available.” Not all of us are built that way. Some of us are and others live to people-please and we take it to a whole new level. I was talking to a friend recently about this problem and he said, “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s a**hole.” It is a well-known idiom meaning, “that trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and ultimately makes you inauthentic or disliked by all.” This phrase is associated with figures like Franz Josef Strauss, and it means”that bending over backward for universal approval leads to a loss of integrity.”
Today’s Lesson:
“Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them.” Unknown
I know plenty of said people. Some are close friends and others family members. Knowing that, it doesn’t make the pain any less hurtful, instead I question why some people are made that way. I guess the answer lies in the fact that people are people and each one is wired differently. The friend went on to say, “Nice people usually get the wrong end of the stick.” Well, he’s German so I think that this is what he meant. There maybe some truth to that assumption. I looked it up and this is what I found.
People-pleasing usually fails because you change your behavior to match whatever everyone else wants. By doing that, your boundaries suffer and there is no clear demarcation or lines drawn.
The truth is you can’t please everyone. Coming back to how people are wired and how each one has opposing values, expectations, and in trying to satisfy everyone, you end up satisfying no one.
You lose respect because by trying to accommodate everyone, you are seen as someone who agrees to everything and therefore not someone with clear principles. Basically, too much availability kills your value.
“Make yourself unavailable for unavailable people, who are only available when they want you to be available.” Mintu Kumar
What to do about this problem?
Never Forget This…..
If you’re always available – people stop valuing you.
If you constantly help – they start using you.
If you stay silent when it hurts – they’ll hurt you more often.
If you settle for less – they’ll never offer more.
If you don’t set limits – they’ll take control.
I don’t know who wrote that but he/she hit the nail on the head. The problem is knowing that, are people-pleasers ready to take that advice and learn from it? Or will it go in one ear and out the other when the next people-pleasing situation arises?
I don’t know but I think it takes practice to say NO or to look away and to stop from rushing to help. I’m not there yet but in time I hope I’ll be wearing a different tag and stop being, “Everybody’s darling” and “not everybody’s a**hole!” It is tiring, it is exhausting, and it hurts when things don’t turn out the way you want it to do and some kind of “thank you” is offered, which usually doesn’t happen.
“Stop being available for people who don’t prioritize you and your time.” Unknown
Most of us cringe at the thought of doing the hard things. Be it a break-up, walking away, losing a job and letting go of things that no longer serve us, it is an exceptionally hard thing to do. It is not something we look forward to because it means taking the bull by the horns and waging war on what seems to be an impossible task at first. Given time, patience, perseverance and a hard-headed look at what needs to be done to get to the other side, we find it is doable but not easy.
Easy is not what life is about. If anything, easy is not in its vocabulary. It seems at times that “living” is about going through the hard stuff. Sometimes one and sometimes a string of unsolvable and often times impossible situations but you and I know that it is those hard times and how you deal with them that brings out the strength in you. Sure, it would be easier if we didn’t have to deal with them but when has that stopped life from throwing it our way?
Where would we be without them? Probably having a great time without having to walk through the minefield of the hard stuff all equipped and designed to bring you down to your knees if you make a false move. There is no right or wrong way of going about it, it is trial and error and an undying resilience to take what is handed to you and to make it work for you. We’ve all made those false moves where we’ve crashed and burned and just when you think there is nothing left to do except to pick up the pieces and make the most of it, there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. There is that open door that beckons because as you know when one door closes, another one opens but it is human nature or at least it is mine to look past it and back at the one that has closed and is no longer available.
“Hard things are hard because there are no easy answers or recipes. They are hard because your emotions are at odds with your logic. They are hard because you don’t know the answer and you cannot ask for help without showing weakness.” Ben Horowitz
The hard stuff has kept me captive for longer than I want to admit. Truth is, I don’t do “HARD” well. Holding on is my nemesis, letting go of things that no longer serve me is harder still and moving on, well that is an impossible task at times. I hold on hoping that changes will come my way but it never does. Things happen for a reason, people are the way they are because they are wired that way and looking and hoping is not going to change things. However, whatever life throws your way, there is a lesson in there somewhere but it is hard to see when it first hits you. I think we fail miserably at times because we walk in circles, bang our heads on that closed door and refuse to move on until we are drained of energy and there is nothing else to do but to walk through that open door. Human nature at its best? I think so.
We are fully capable and have the strength within to meet the hard stuff head on and to tame it if necessary. It is the fear of the unknown in sync with the weakness within that works hand-in-hand to stop us in our tracks, makes us tremble where we stand as we whisper, I can’t. You and I have had our baptism by fire in one form or another, of this I am sure. The hard thing is just one more obstacle to overcome, nothing more, nothing less. We tend to make it more than what it is. Life is a never-ending circle of challenges in the form of “hard things” to overcome. It is mixed in with the good stuff but it is the hard stuff that brings forth the real you. Your strength, your power and most of all your ability to slay it where it stands takes courage, growth and an attitude of never giving up which will put the “hard stuff” in its place. Who knows if shown the door more often than not, it might decide to stay away. We can hope can’t we?
“I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things.” Glennon Doyle
Most of us are “control freaks” when it comes to controlling outcomes. I know I am. We want to take whatever comes our way, things of the unsavory nature and we want to change it or we spend time, sometimes lots of it, mulling over what we cannot control and instead of letting go or accepting it as a lost cause, we try to control the narrative.
“To find calm, let go of the need to control every outcome.” Unknown
I had a tough day yesterday and “calm” had flown the coop and was nowhere to be seen. I kept playing scenarios over and over again and no matter how many times I kept playing it over, the outcome was the same. It was done and dusted and there was nothing I could do about it but to let it go. The only thing I could do was to control my feelings and how I viewed the situation. The other thing that was staring me in the face was that I had no control over the events of the day, only in how I dealt with it. It was time to let it go and I did.
“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” Mandy Hale
I spent most of yesterday getting angry, agitated, frustrated, and whatever else you could throw into the pot, I was ready to take it all and to run with it! Human nature is such that we love to entertain problems. Truth is, problems do show up when we least expect them and they throw us for a loop when we come face to face with them. More often than not, anger and frustration accompany problems. Not knowing how to deal with them is why they appear in succession. In my case, it is the opportunity to fall off from the path of self-discovery I was on and to VENT for all its worth! Ok, it’s alright for awhile but I see the toll it takes on my psyche and even then, I refuse to stop, hell-bent on wrecking havoc as I go along on my path of self-righteousness! The good part is, I’ve learned when to put a stop to it. It took me most of the day but when evening rolled around, I was ready to come to my senses and to look at it with a clear head.
“One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.” marcandangel
Learning to let go of control is not easy because letting go of whatever it is means that you no longer have control over the situation. However, sometimes that is a good thing. You need to step back, view it from a distance and come up with solutions to break down the problem and to make it solvable. Yes, it takes time and it takes focus but it is better than going off the deep end as I did yesterday.
“Real strength isn’t control. It’s knowing when to let go.” Christopher Barzak
I was waiting for this one, I mean for a genie to show up and grant whatever my heart desires. Oops, sorry, genies are not that generous, they grant a few wishes and not an unlimited amount. Why is that? Have you ever had a genie grant you a wish? Never? Me neither.
This is the time to take advantage and to ask for whatever I want right? Bummer! Nothing comes to mind. Rubbing Chachi’s head and thinking hard!
Ok, genie if you’re listening, I want that guy to show up.
What guy?
The one I’ve been dreaming of.
Hmm….keep rubbing Chachi’s head! He’s lost somewhere and I can’t help you there. Taking directions is not his thing and if you think you’re stubborn, wait till you meet him! That is if he finds his way to you but I’ll say keep on dreaming! Next wish please….
You’re no fun!
Fun is not part of my repertoire! I grant wishes not some impossible dream you’ve come up with. That guy doesn’t exist….next wish please.
You do have an attitude!
Try living in a lamp and let’s see how you feel!
Okay, let’s try this one. How about a happy life?
That’s another impossible dream where you’re concerned. Again my dear, you have no idea what “happy”means. Can’t do that either!
ENOUGH! Chachi, go get him!
Gladly mommy. I didn’t like the looks of him anyway. Come here guy…..I’m in the mood to play!
That was the end of the genie…..next time send me a genie that will play ball and not one that comes up with excuses!
When I sat down to write The Excellent Adventures of Honey and Hubie, I wanted to capture the kind of day every child secretly hopes for: the day when the world opens up beyond the garden fence and you discover that courage and friendship live inside you. Honey, the little Italian greyhound, begins the story very much like many of us do–safe, loved, and yet quietly restless. She has a warm home, caring owners, and a familiar routine, but her heart is tugged by the idea that there might be “something more” just beyond the fence. Hubie, her bright green frog friend in a pirate hat, is that “something more” come to life: he is curiosity, mischief, and optimism all rolled into one.
As Honey follows Hubie out of the garden, the story becomes a journey through all the magic I remember from my own childhood walks in the woods: talking animals, music in the trees, and tiny folk who live in unexpected places. Along the way Honey meets the Buttercup Fairies, joins the Moppets’ grand celebration, learns to swim with the help of a graceful swan, and even helps rescue baby Carmelia from the fearsome Screeches. Each encounter is meant to feel like a small complete adventure, but they all circle back to one idea: we grow braver and kinder when we step outside our comfort zone for the sake of someone else.
At the heart of the book is the friendship between Honey and Hubie. They tease, they disagree, and they frighten each other at times, but when real danger appears, Honey finds herself willing to risk everything to protect her friend. That moment–when a quiet, uncertain little dog stands up to a threatening Screech–is the true center of the story. Hubie later tells her that real friendship is where you care so deeply for someone that you would give your life for theirs without thinking of your own. I wanted young readers to see that bravery doesn’t always roar; sometimes it looks like a trembling friend who refuses to run away.
The book is dedicated to my son, and that dedication is very real. I wrote this story hoping that he, and children everywhere, would never lose their sense of fantasy, because it is where compassion, courage, and creativity first learn to walk. Honey ends the day muddy, tired, and smelling like a skunk, but she is also changed: she has danced, swum, rescued, laughed, and learned what true friendship feels like. It is not a “perfect” ending, but a perfectly honest one–a reminder that the best days are often a little messy, a little risky, and filled with memories that last long after the bathwater runs clear.
Life often speaks in whispers at the beginning, it stomps its feet if you don’t listen and it screams to get your attention when you’re heading towards a head-on collision. Through it all, it has your back and is on your side if only you are willing to pay attention to what it has to say. And that is the hard part.
“Consider for a moment what you pay attention to all day long. What seems important to you, what do you take for granted and hardly attend to at all? Write it down. Do not judge your answers. Be honest and simple. As you keep track all week long, you’ll be amazed at what claims your attention what you give your precious life force to.” Brenda Shoshanna
The truth is as “humans” we march to our own drumbeat. We see what is not good for us, we know it spells trouble and we know if we keep going down that path, it will take us to exactly where we don’t want to go BUT we are hell-bent on doing it anyway. Are we wired for destruction, is that what we seek? At times, it seems that way but luckily for us, life comes in and shows us the way out but only if we pay attention.
“Pay attention to the signs. Stop making excuses for people. Stop defending their inconsiderate ways. Start taking care of you and your own needs.” Unknown
I do that all the time. Make excuses for inconsiderate people that is, BUT there comes a point in time when I say enough is enough and then I shut the door behind me but unfortunately, it is always a day late and a dollar short. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way but most of us do. Don’t ask me why but we just do. Do we get a thrill out of pain? I don’t know but not paying attention when life is screaming seems to be the problem.
When we don’t pay attention to love, it has a tendency to bring us down to our knees and then we ask what happened? We know exactly why. The answers have been staring us in the face even before the collision happened.
Pay Attention To Her:
When a woman is “tripping” she cares, when a woman is “mad” she believed in you and you let her down, when she is “asking questions” she is trying to gain clarity, when she is “quiet” and letting things slide she is giving up….And when she is not doing all of the above…just know you have lost a good woman.” Unknown
AND
“Sometimes you have to put aside what you feel for them, and PAY ATTENTION to what their actions are saying they feel for you.”
Finally, paying attention seems to be the key to a better life, better relationships and a better way through the intricate maze we call life. Pay attention to the signs before it is too late. Not easy to do but there is no other way it seems.
Listen to the wind, it talks.
Listen to the silence, it speaks.
Listen to your heart, it knows. Native American Proverb
Buddha said, First remove, “I” that’s EGO, then remove , “WANT,” that’s DESIRE. See now you are left with only, “HAPPINESS.”
Is it really that simple to find happiness? Okay, I can give this method a try BUT I find that when I remove “EGO” and “WANT,” there is something else glaring me in the face! It is, “WHAT NOW?!!!”
According to Buddhist wisdom, there are 5 steps to happiness. They are:
SMILE MORE
WORRY LESS
BE PRESENT
GIVE MORE
EXPECT LESS
I believe in the smiling more part. No problems there. Worrying less is almost a no go with me. Being present, I am working on. Giving more…..it is a work in progress and expecting less always gets me in trouble. Basically, I’m not quite there yet. Finding that happiness path that is.
What else?
“A disciplined mind brings happiness.”
Oh Gawd! This is even worse. Tell that “monkey” I call my mind to take orders and you’ll see what I mean! Marching on to the next happiness mantra.
“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are….
It solely relies on what you think.”
WHAT?!!! I give up!
No more searching for happiness wisdom today. I’ll do it my way. The sun is shining and I’m going to slip into my flip-flops, go to the garden and let the sun warm my face. I’ll listen to the birdsong to calm my mind and let happiness seep in. Sorry Buddha but maybe next time around.
There will be no more thinking, no more telling my mind to do something it doesn’t want to do and I’ll just let the day go as it wants to. How’s that for a happiness mantra?
There is no method to the madness. I basically write about my experiences, things I am interested in, posts that might help someone else who is in the same boat as I am, and just about anything that catches my fancy at the moment and hope that people would be interested in what I have to say and in my life as well.
Most of my writing is about trying to help someone else. I’ve lived through some tough stuff and I am still standing. It took work to get to where I’m at so when I write I hope that the person reading it will walk away with something they can use from my writings to get them on the way and to a better way of doing things. There is always light at the end of the dark tunnel so to speak.
Some days I write about what has been bugging me and there are plenty of those things! On other days, it is about looking for love and sometimes in the wrong places and what I’m doing to get to a better place there too. Sometimes I am in a lighter mood and then it is about laughter. It happens more often than you think. I have this funny bone that never quits. I do dabble in politics but not as much as I used to. It is a mishmash of things and it seems people like reading about what I put out there. So I must be doing something right.
There is no rhyme or reason, I write about whatever I like and that’s about it. If you read it, that is completely up to you BUT I hope you do.
Daily writing prompt
How do you write what people actually want to read?
Time sure does fly but I’m not having fun! It is four weeks after my first operation and things are going well. When I bring up the second OP to friends and how nervous I am they say, “You’ll be just fine! Look at how well you did with the first one.”
My thought, “Please don’t jinx it!” Yeah, I’m superstitious but more than that this second one coming up is bugging me. It will be a similar procedure and they’ll be going in the same way so this means the healing that has taken place so far will be disturbed once again and that is a scary thought. What if it doesn’t heal this second time around?
Yes, those “what ifs,” are more than scary. I’ve packed my bag, a smaller one than the last time since I didn’t use most of the stuff I brought with me. I hung out in the hospital “Krankenhauskittel” as they call it here with a kimono thrown over for modesty. A kittel is a hospital gown,that has a gaping opening at the back. I hated it but it did the job well enough and I felt as free as a bird as well! Just kidding.
If I’m lucky they’ll let me go home the same day after the operation. What?!! Exactly what I said but the doctors think that I should be okay. If anything like severe bleeding happens, call emergency services immediately and come back in was what they said. I’m a worrywart so all kinds of things are going through my head. What if I have severe bleeding? What if my blood pressure dips? What if I lose consciousness? What if? What if? What if? Get the picture? I am a doctor’s worst nightmare!
Anyway, next week I will meet with the doctors for a last minute talk so I can ask away to my heart’s content. No, actually they will do the prep which will take about 3 to 4 hours. Why that long? The last time I went through this, I met with different people, had a needle stuck in me, blood was taken, urine sample was next and then the doctors came in. I had a whole lot of questions for them all compiled by my Google doctors and by the time I left, they had heard an earful! This time around will be no different. I am prepared and I have a pageful of questions!
Google doctors are NOT real people!
I know but I like them a lot and I think they like me. Keeping them busy is what I do on a daily basis and I will say this, they know what they are talking about. I got loads of help from them this last time and they helped with the healing process.
I can hear my friend screaming, “I still hate them!” He means Google.
I don’t, I have a love affair going with all of them or is it just one? I don’t know and I don’t care!
The question I left out this time is, “Will I die?!!” Otherwise, I have all the pertinent questions, at least I think they are. I am pepping myself up, working out, yes working out. I am up to 30 minutes now with the walking and I have started strength training as well. So far, so good.
I haven’t taken a walk to the fields yet. That might be pushing it so I’ll leave it out for now. I went grocery shopping with a friend today and she did all the heavy lifting since I am still watching that part of it carefully. I walk up and down the stairs with no problems and I’m basically doing the mundane day to day stuff with no problems. Of course, I’m watching my diet but I did buy two slices of cheesecake and I took one tablespoon of it and knew it was a mistake so they are still sitting in the fridge. My Chilean friend, Max, will be coming by later this morning to help me with something so that will be his reward along with a nice cup of coffee.
I hope I don’t start climbing walls again when the time draws closer. Knowing me I’ll not only be climbing walls but staying up there once I get there!
