faith – Site Title

A Week to Go!

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This time next week, I will be changing into a hospital gown, you know the kind that leaves things exposed in the back! I’m not looking forward to that at all and neither am I looking forward to meeting the team who will be assisting the surgeon, one who will walk in like God to do what he needs to do to get me back on track.

I’ve been climbing walls, sleep has been eluding me, and I’m jittery and feeling like the lamb being led to the slaughter! Yesterday, I prepared the living room for my return back from the hospital. This house has four floors. A lot of room you say? You are right. However, it is not cut out for recuperating after a hospital stay. I usually sleep on the 1st floor and I love it. This time around, I will have to move to the ground floor so that I can avoid going up and down the stairs. The week of recuperation means no stairs, and no workouts! Light walking is absolutely fine, like 10 to 15 steps and that is it! Will I survive it? I have to. My willpower is strong and my mindset is too. The goal is to survive the operation and to work hard at getting my body stronger and better than before.

First, I have to survive the operation. The “angel” the lady who is going to be helping me and who works at that hospital told me that I will be kept in the intensive care unit after the OP. Why?!! “Nothing to worry about. It’s so they can keep a watchful eye on you.”

I keep telling people that I’m going to die and I did the same when a friend called last night. We are close, well we were very close meaning we had a thing going. We were going back and forth with the relationship thing and now we are friends, but in his words, “We are very close.” Anyway, the point is, I told him that if I survive this next week, we should go away together.

HIM: “You mean travel together?”

ME: “Yes, I’m changing my mind on traveling. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live life.”

HIM: “Existing is no fun. You have to live life.”

ME: “I’m thinking Vietnam. Seems like a great place to visit.”

He has traveled the world.

HIM: “Yes, the world has so many beautiful places to visit and experience.”

ME: “That is if you want to go with me.”

HIM: “Of course, I would go with you. Sri Lanka is another great place.”

ME: “Oh yes, a week in paradise with lots of Ayurvedic treatments sounds great to me.”

Then I came in with, “That is if I don’t DIE before that!”

See where my mind is going and staying? I don’t know why but I’ve been preparing for the worst case scenario. I’ve also had visions of me walking into the operating room with Mike (my angel) holding one hand, and Jesus holding my other hand! Not a bad vision since one of those two has the power to move mountains and more!

Until then, I am preparing the living room for my stay there. I am converting the couch into a bed, and have everything close by. I don’t have a TV downstairs so I will have to make do with my iPhone, books, magazines, and writing materials close at hand. The garden is right outside the door so that is great. I can sit outside and listen to the birds, and let nature do its healing thing. The “angel” lady is going to come by and check on me twice a day. She will also do what needs to be done. I am truly grateful for her help.

Again, all of this comes down to if I make it out of that operating room and if I do, the next step is the intensive care unit. OKAY, I’m not going to think about dying! I’m going to think that it is all going to go according to the PERFECT PLAN. I will let go of control and accept what comes next.

AMEN TO THAT!

Lord, Walk with Me Today

A little less than two weeks to go before I go in and a surgeon will have control over my body and I am struggling again. Am I scared? I am. I try not to think about it and I am preparing everything that needs to be done before then. I keep telling friends, “I’m going to die!” Another voice says, “Have Faith.” So I will have faith and hope all goes well and that the surgeon knows what he is doing and I don’t get one with shaky hands! Until then, I will hang on to faith and pray that my God will see me through.

It Took Courage

I don’t know if I would call it a risk but perhaps it was. I lost a friend a couple of years ago. We were very close and our lives revolved around each other. He was a good person with a very good heart and he taught me how to live again after the divorce.

However, his life on earth was short. He got very sick and his body was shutting down. There was no cure in sight and the person I once knew, the tall, strapping giant of a man was down to skin and bones. He was unrecognizable but the spirit remained. He gave me the task of pulling the plug when the time came. I couldn’t do it but there was no other choice. It meant pain, lots of it and him lost in a world that was unknown to me if it continued. Finally, I said go ahead. It took tremendous courage and the risk? I wasn’t sure if the decision was the right one.

The meds were stopped and it was just a matter of time. It took two weeks until his heart stopped beating. I hugged him the day before but he was already gone. I’ve asked myself this question many times, “Did I do the right thing? Could I have kept him here a little longer?” More importantly, “Do I regret giving them the go ahead?” Part of me still fights with the answers coming back but the part that knows better is at peace with the decision. I know he is in a better place and pain is a thing of the past for him. These days I see him flying with full-fledged wings as he was meant to be. They say the good die young and in his case that’s a true statement.

RIP

Daily writing prompt

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

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Something Positive

Both mom and dad have done positive things to further who I am and how I react to the world around me. However, I think it is dad who did something I will never forget and taught me to respect each and every individual regardless of skin color, ethnicity or race.

I remember I was fifteen at the time just emerging out of my tomboy phase. My close girlfriend was a Hindu. She invited me to go along to her temple for Pooja. It stands for worship and paying homage to the gods. I was into different cultures and learning as much about them was my goal at the time. I went along but it was very different from what I was used to as a Christian girl. Church was a sedate affair, however, the temple was different. It was noisy and the colors boomed with vibrancy and it was very crowded. Statues caught my eyes and they were painted in bright colors as well. We walked in and immediately we had to remove our shoes, then we had to break a coconut. It was followed by lighting incense and bowing to the deities and there were other things but I don’t quite remember them all now.

I did what was asked of me but I couldn’t wait to get back home. Once home, I walked in and blurted out to my dad, “It was so strange! I don’t know about Hinduism but it is not my thing!” Actually I used the term, “pagan” to get my point across, belligerence showing on my young face. Dad pinned me with his no nonsense gaze and said, “It is no different from our religion. Yes, they do things a little differently but they are praying to God. It’s all the same.” That took the wind out of my sails! I spent the rest of the evening thinking about what he had said and unknown to him he had taught me “tolerance” that day and that lesson has stood the test of time.

Perhaps, he taught me a bigger lesson and that is to RESPECT every person, every culture and every religion. I’m teaching my son to do the same thing. Here’s the thing, tolerance is not taught in schools, it begins at home.

Daily writing prompt

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

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Trust the Journey (Archives)

Mental Note:

Trust your journey.

“No matter how many detours we take or delays we encounter, we will always be led back to where we’re meant to be.” Nicole Spindler

Beautifully said but trusting the journey you’re on is hard and accepting that everything will turn out for the best is harder still. Humans want control of the situation or at least I do. I don’t like the idea of some unseen force manipulating the outcome and that is a frightening concept for me. However, if truth be told, perhaps there is no other way. You’ve heard the saying, if it is meant to be, it will be and what if we just let go and let it unfold as it was meant to be. A doable thing? Speaking from my standpoint, that is next to impossible for me.

“Don’t let what happens or what doesn’t happen bother you. Life has a way of rearranging perfectly so that what you truly need can come together.” Unknown

If I step aside that is. My problem is that I want to know what is coming up or what life has in store for me before it comes up. I spend a lot of time overthinking the negatives even before it has happened but that is human nature I suppose. Much of my time is wasted on projections that never take place and if and when it happens I am fully capable of handling the outcome.

Trusting the journey I am on demands that I accept what comes my way. “Be quiet” whispers the all-knowing power of the unknown, the universe or God in his wisdom or whatever you believe in. It says, “Let me work this out for you, I’ve got this and you need to trust in the journey. You’ll be fine.” The untrusting part within screams, “I’m afraid! What if I fail or I fall flat on my face or there is no getting up from this?” That too is human nature.

“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly, “You got this, keep going.” Unknown

Perhaps, trusting the journey is not about rushing, not pushing and shoving and not about stomping your feet and demanding but that it is more about accepting that everything is being worked out behind the scenes and you just need to sit back and accept and know that the outcome will be exactly as it was meant to be. It doesn’t mean you have to stop working on yourself, putting effort out on what needs to be done and making your way through life, it means knowing that there is a higher force who is on your side. Not so simple? I know, it isn’t for me either. What if there is a higher power working on your behalf and it has got your back? Wonderful don’t you think? Now, I just need to trust in that concept. Good luck you say? I know but it’s worth a try.

“Trust the process, trust your journey. You are going TO BE OKAY.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Religion

My early days as a young girl was all about religion. I couldn’t get away from it even if I had wanted to! Dad was a Bible-toting believer and mom was right behind him getting us in line to do as we were told and the uncle was head of the churches. I really didn’t have a choice.

It meant evenings of Bible study with all of us gathered in the living room listening to dad drone on about some verse he had painstakingly picked out. Then followed gratitude. I learned this one early, there was no escaping it! Each one of us would have to say what we were grateful for and SOME of us had a long long list! Most kids my age were watching TV or relaxing but that wasn’t our way.

I remember when I was 18 I had to teach Bible study and Sunday school. Not that I wanted to but it was a must as far as my parents were concerned. I did do that like an obedient girl but inside I was ready to throw the mantel off and take off to less familiar places. University gave me a reprieve. I became my own person and I had a chance to really figure out what I wanted in life. Religion was still a big part of my life and learning to live the way my parents had taught me was never far away. It still is even after all these years. I guess once it is instilled in you, it never leaves. Not a bad thing really but it was a tough upbringing.

I am learning to let my son decide for himself as to religion and his beliefs. Unfortunately, he is choosing to go a whole different direction! God is the last thing on his mind but perhaps that is normal for young people these days.

Yes, I practice religion but not in the way I was told to do so. I believe there is a higher power and I do turn to prayer when times get tough. I don’t go to church as often as I used to but that is okay. I can talk to god anywhere and whenever I want to. Oh, and I don’t read the Bible as I used to either but I don’t need to because some of those scripture versus are still ingrained in my mind!

Daily writing prompt

Do you practice religion?

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Something Positive

Daily writing prompt

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

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The Long Journey (Archives)

Update:

The journey is complete and a new chapter has started. Life is no longer what you used to know. It is no longer about staying up late, doing what you want and whenever you want it. It is now about getting up and showing up for work. Responsibility and accountability are not to be taken lightly and you will have to learn to adjust again. “I have zero life now,” is not going to do it. You are an adult and you will have to do adult things. We all had to and I know that through the complaining a new person will emerge, one fully capable of handling anything, of this I am sure.

“Every worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph: a beginning, a struggle and a victory.” Mahatma Gandhi

I remember the beginning well. It seems like only yesterday when you made it through high school and the next step was looming large. I wasn’t ready to let you go, not then and not ever! When I looked at you, I didn’t see the young man who had graduated from high school, all I saw was the little boy I had coached through life.

You, on the other hand, were ready to spread your wings. You wanted freedom and so the search for the right university began. I didn’t know at the time that it would take you far away from me. I felt fear clutching at my heart but I had to let you go whether I wanted to or not. You were leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. You found the perfect university, than you got an apartment and the move began. I hugged you goodbye and watched you leave with tears in my eyes.

Law was your first choice but that would change a year down the road. Drinking, partying and staying out late was part and parcel of college life. The struggle started when you got your jaw broke coming home late one night in a botched robbery attempt. You landed in hospital and I was shocked but you decided to stay where you were at and I had to let you go thinking it could have been worse. You could have lost your life had there been a weapon involved.

However, the psychological effects of that attack were plenty. You turned from a sweet and innocent boy into an angry young man. Studying and keeping your grades up was the last thing on your mind. You wanted revenge but there was none to be had. You learned that life is not always fair and some times the good guys DO get hurt. Letting go and moving on came slowly but it did come and I learned that your survival and overcoming the attack would depend on how we handled you. Your strength would come from your ability to stand back up and from knowing that we were standing with you every step of the way. It was a long and slow recovery but you did it.

You are now standing on the cusp of achieving what you began five years ago. Soon you will have your degree with a better than average grade under your belt. I heard the pride in your voice as you told me your grade two days ago but you didn’t see the tears running down my face. It has been a long journey for all of us but this is not the end.

“A great accomplishment shouldn’t be the end of the road, just the starting point for the next leap forward.” Harvey Mackay

Victory took a long time coming but you, my son, have made me proud. You’ll be moving again and this time around you’ll be working towards standing on your own two feet.

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” Thomas Carlyle

CONGRATULATIONS! You are on your way and I couldn’t be prouder. Just one last word, I still see you as that little boy whose hands I held as we walked to and back from kindergarten but then again I guess I always will.

TRUST

A series on Getting Back on Track

“There are two reasons why we don’t trust people.

First – we don’t know them.

Second – we know them.” Unknown

The other day someone asked me, “Why can’t you trust me? Today as I walk the route I always take, thoughts run through my mind and this question arises over and over again. ”Why can’t I trust him and especially anyone for that matter?”

Then this quote pops into my mind. I’ve heard it many times before but today as the trust issue resurfaces, it brings new significance to it.

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.” Dhar Mann

It is defined as “having confidence in someone or something” and it means, “I can rely on you to do the right thing.”

Several years ago, I found myself face to face with the horrific dilemma of having placed my trust in the person who had sworn to love and protect me till the end of time and he turned out to be the same person who brought me down to my knees when he took that trust and threw it out the window for a roll in the hay with someone else. It had taken 17 years to build, the foundation was being laid brick by brick but it took only seconds to destroy and the “forever” part well I know that it will take forever to repair.

As I round a bend in the path all is quiet and it is grey and foggy. I realize that it is the perfect stage for where I am right now. Then a small smile crosses my face as I see this quote flash by out of nowhere.

“Don’t ask me to trust you when you’ve given me every reason not to.” Unknown

I don’t think it is about playing detective, trying to find out if you’re telling the truth and keeping tabs on everything you do. It is more about that feeling within, that intuition or call it gut feeling, if you will, that tells me that something is not right here. Pay heed to that gut instinct because it has your best interest at heart. No matter how he professes to love you and even if he stands on his head and declares that he has been faithful to you, take it with a pinch of salt or better still, tell yourself I have “forever” in front of me and time enough for you to show me that I CAN TRUST YOU.

Once I caught my ex in the act of cheating and being the liar he is, I told him, even if I catch you in the act, you will jump up and say, “You didn’t see what you just saw!” Cheaters, well there are plenty of them out there and before placing your trust on a whim or in a moment’s notice, take your time, observe, pay attention to the signs and never, NEVER be pushed into trusting someone simply because they say so.

“Some people aren’t loyal to you, they are loyal to their need of you. Once their needs change, so does their loyalty.” Unknown

Coming back to the question asked by this friend. ”Why can’t you trust me?” My answer goes like this. ”You know the answer and the truth lies within you.” On this journey I have chosen, I am looking for that needle in the haystack.

“I want to hold your hand at 90 and say, “We made it.” Unknown.

If I may add to that, perhaps only then can I say, “I trust you with my whole heart and you will just have to be patient. We have time enough until then.”

The sun is starting to peek out and today is going to be an amazing day.

I am moving on……

Staring into the Abyss

A Series on Getting Back on Track

I heard this somewhere, not sure where and not sure who said it but it stuck with me. It goes like this.

Standing on top of a cliff and looking down, I hear myself say, “What if I fall?” A voice comes back and says, “Oh, my darling, what if you fly?”

It stuck with me because there were many times when I’ve stood on that cliff and asked that very same question, “What if I fall?” I refused to contemplate that I might just fly. I stayed because I was afraid to take that step forward. Fear of the unknown kept me there, of what I couldn’t see did the rest. I knew that staying where I was would keep me captive but staring into that abyss has kept me a prisoner.

After my divorce, I stood at the crossroads and wondered which way I should go? Everything told me to take the road less travelled. Go embrace the unknown it said. ”What have you got to lose?” I stayed put and took the other turn. The one that was familiar, the one my heart knew so I embraced the pain that was still there and refused to budge.

Along my journey, I met men who reminded me of “him.” Mostly mediocre relationships with mediocre men. My heart was content because there was comfort in the familiar and I did not have to navigate unfamiliar territory. I knew the path well. Mediocre relationships is defined as a “relationship with another person which is typically a symptom of a mediocre relationship with yourself. When you don’t know yourself or honor your needs, it’s easy to stay in a mediocre relationship. Mediocre can be safe, familiar, just enough….but not deeply fulfulling or vibrant.”

Accepting how I was treated made me believe I was loved. Afterall, it was familiar territory. I felt safe thinking this is the real deal. I knew there was more out there than someone blurting out, “I love you,” without any thought as to what it really meant. It didn’t matter, I was on cloud nine but the reality was mediocre brings mediocrity. Why do we accept it? ”It comes from a fear of failing as well as not being willing to deal with others tearing you down.” The truth is, I saw it, I felt it and I accepted it and so I stayed to fight another day.

Strangely enough no matter how many times I got hurt and the truth kept staring me in the face, I held on for dear life. I was basically saying there isn’t anything better out there. Why do you need better? Isn’t this enough? The “this” being a lukewarm relationship with no substance to it. You see the person I am alluding to was having a mediocre relationship with himself and so did not see “me”, the real me, he was busy slaying his own demons. Like attracts like? Perhaps but here is where I found myself until I saw what Mark Sterling had to say.

If you want to soar in life, you must learn to

F.L.Y (First Love Yourself)

I realized at that moment that I had lost myself along the way. I had stopped loving myself, the reason for all my woes. The divorce wasn’t my fault, the aftermath painful but it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason for the pain and suffering. It was thrown in front of me and I had to deal with it. Through it all, I put myself in the background and I learned to crawl. So here I am standing on the cliff again and staring into the abyss before me. One step forward will take me into the unknown, the uncomfortable, into the midst of terror and then I hear a voice say, “Oh, my darling, but what if you fly?”

“You were born with potential.

You were born with goodness and trust.

You were born with ideals and dreams.

You were born with greatness.

You were born with wings.

You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.

You have wings.

Learn to use them and fly. (Rumi)

Here I go.…….

Update:

I wrote this article last year. Where am I now? I’ve made some inroads but there is miles to go before I rest. I am learning, accepting, letting go and moving on. A process that is never ending it seems but I’m hoping that when I reach my goal or journey’s end, I am where I want to be. It takes courage, strength and believing that there is a better out there.

Have an amazing day.