angels – Site Title

The Strength Within

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“Sometimes, the strength within you is not a fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly ‘You got this, keep going.”

Less than three weeks to go before I give up control of my body to a surgeon and hope that he is competent enough and will do a great job. Some days I am alright meaning calm and collected but on other days, like today, I am climbing walls!

My first thought when I learned about what needed to be done was, “I can’t do this!” Then it dawned on me that I was alone and even though being “alone” was and has been great but not when you don’t know the outcome and having help by your side would be a great thing to have at a time like this. Do I want my ex back? That’s a big NO! However, support of some kind would be great when you’re feeling unusually small and helpless!

I took time to mull things over. The fear wanted to take over and I almost drowned in it. Then I found that tiny spark within that said, “You are not alone. You’ve got this!” Courage came riding in on a white horse and I started looking around at what was available for a person in my situation. My Chilean friend said, “I’m here for you. I’ll drive you to both your appointments and I will drive you back home after your hospital stay.” Things started looking up. I looked some more and I got more offers of help. Friends showed up, real friends, and they offered help after the operation especially during the recuperation period.

What about Chachi? My precious little guy, what do I do about him? He has never been alone. I looked for cat sitters and there were plenty but I wanted people who were trained to do the job and to do it well. Lots of students offered to cat sit but I wasn’t too sure. Then I found one place that ticked all the right boxes. They were going to cost more than the others but I signed the contract. Someone will come in twice a day, feed him, make sure he has fresh water, food, clean the litterbox, and play with him for half an hour if he wants it. I’ve got them booked for a week because bending over will be a problem after the operation and carrying heavy stuff as well. Going up and down the stairs? I was told to keep it to a bare minimum so most of my time will be spent in the downstairs living room for the first week or so. I love my bedroom which is upstairs so I’m not looking forward to change. Workouts are out as well. Walking is allowed and recommended but 5 to 10 minutes a day for the first week. This will be hard as well. I workout 7 days a week so I can’t see myself doing that but I have no choice in the matter.

What do I do about help when I come back home? That was weighing heavy on my mind. I won’t be allowed to drive and it will be bedrest, maybe painkillers ( I hope not!), and taking it easy and hoping the wound heals. I looked around for help and I found this lady. We met and talked and she offered all the help I needed. Cleaning, taking care of Chachi, shopping, driving me to the doctor and driving me back if I needed it. I couldn’t believe it but wait there is more.

The heavens opened up and an “angel” walked in when she told me that she worked at the same hospital as a nursing aide where I would have my procedure done! My eyes opened wide when she said, “I’ll come check on you after the operation. You’ll be in good hands.” I couldn’t believe it!

“I can also help you with all your needs and I will talk to the nurses there to keep an extra eye on you! Don’t worry, I’m there for you.”

Hallelujah?!! Her wings were missing but who knows, she probably had them neatly tucked away. She walked in here this morning, cleaned up the place, took the trash away, AND we had a talk. She told me that she has a week off during the week of my operation but plans to stay home.

“Don’t worry, I plan to come visit everyday and I AM THERE FOR YOU!”

Did I get lucky or is this just too good to be true? Perhaps, luck has nothing to do with it. Angels walk among us and I truly believe that. So, have my worries subsided just a little? NOPE. I am a worrywart and I will find something else to worry about! There is this other thing. I think I’m going to die because I have had these weird feelings and premonitions that point to it. Can someone help with that? AI says it is normal to have such thoughts especially with a big operation coming up. I don’t know folks, I’ve been preparing for the worst but who knows.

My point is this, don’t give up hope. Don’t succumb to your fears and there is always a way out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

“One day you will understand that you had the strength within you from the very beginning. Keep going.” Unknown

Now, I hope that the “angel” doesn’t disappear as the time for the operation gets closer!

An Ode to an Angel

“Angels appear in many different forms to hold your hand through difficult times.” Doreen Virtue

Three years already? Has it been that long? I can still hear your laughter, that soft raspy laugh and I can hear you saying, “You’re so bad with time.” I totally agree.

I lit a candle for you today. It’s just symbolic. It’s what humans do to show their caring and to say, “I’m thinking about you.” However, I think “up there” where you’re at, they’ve got much better things planned for you today.

What can I say that I haven’t said already? The “thank yous” never seem enough and the love you showed a broken heart and the healing you brought into my life was unexpected but it was needed. You swooped in and carried me on your wings and for a while, my world began to right itself.

Remember the first laughter that escaped from me? The loud and no holds barred kind that had me bending over till tears started running down my face? When it subsided, I looked at you with new eyes. There was something about you. It wasn’t just the good looks, the soft spoken ways about you but there was something special about you. I felt comfortable in your presence. I called it a feeling of home. I also felt safe in your presence but I couldn’t love you the way you wanted. I was too broken at the time but you took that in stride. Your love never wavered. We, my son and I, became a part of your world.

No, it wouldn’t last long but during the time you were here, you showed us what love was about. It was unconditional, it was focused and it was filled with caring. I didn’t see your wings back then, I only knew you were someone special.

I still talk about you and it is with reverence and sometimes I see anger because your shoes are hard to fill. I was told, “Not everyone can be like him!” I agree and I KNOW that those shoes can never be filled. They belonged to an angel and no earthly human is going to measure up. However, I’m not looking for someone to fill those shoes, just someone who will love me for who I am.

So, the candle is burning bright. It’s not one that you bought me. That supply has been exhausted. This one I bought myself. I still see you as you were. The tall frame dressed in a shirt and jeans, green eyes smiling, the same color as Chachi’s eyes, the quiet confidence that seemed to reach out and take me in its hold. I felt “safe” there and there are times when I reach out for that safety and there are times when I still feel you close to me.

I’ll say thank you again for all that you gave me in that short space of time. You showed me that there is a “better” love out there. You helped to mend those clipped wings so thank you my angel and I hope you have a fantastic day today.

“Angels never stay for long.”

This Last Candle

“Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” Nathaniel Hawthorne

I love candles, especially the scented variety. Today, I reached for another one of the beautiful scented kind and realized it was the last one!

You kept those candles coming. Every weekend you would bring me a new one to add to the growing collection and I took it all for granted thinking it would never end. It did end because you’ve been gone for over two years and this last candle brings home the fact that you are really gone. It is sadness I feel because a beautiful part is missing and it is not just the candles.

I remember it well. The memory of your smile, the kindness, the giving but most of all the strength behind that gentle facade. I tell people, “You made my life easier.” I still see you as you were in happier times. The laughter, the talks, the walks but most of all the times shared. I still see you as you were.

This last candle symbolizes the fact that you are really gone and “YOU” are slowly being erased from my life. However, I still see the gifts scattered around the house. The beautiful blue and white Chinese vases that you gifted one Christmas because you knew I loved them. The beautiful framed picture of Chachi, the cat, doing his most beautiful pose and so many big and little things that made and make your presence be known. It also brings home the fact that the generous showing of “love” has stopped but one thing remains and it keeps on giving.

Chachi, the cat was your gift to me. I remember the day the tiny British short-hair showed up at my doorstep in your arms. You wanted to see joy in my eyes but instead you got disbelief and even a little anger. Cats reel me in hook, line and sinker and having lost “Twitty” not too long ago, I wasn’t ready to let another fur ball get close to me. You put Chachi on the floor and little cuteness walked up to me, put one paw on my leg and raised his eyes to me to get a closer look and I fell like a ton of bricks! I guess it was the greatest gift you gave me. The little guy brings me joy, gives me love and watches me like a hawk!

As I light this last candle today, memories of you flood my mind but they are good ones and of good times shared together. I know you are where you need to be, free of pain and at peace.

Fly high with the angels Mike for you are one of them now and thank you.

“Time goes by so fast. People come in and out of our lives so quickly. Never miss the opportunity to tell these people how much they mean to you…..before it’s too late.” Unknown

Guardian Angels

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A Guardian Angel is defined as a spirit that is thought to watch over and protect a person or place.”

“For every fear that shakes your peace,

For every night you feel alone,

For every moment you lose a little hope,

There is an angel who whispers

I AM HERE.” Unknown

Do you believe angels exist? I do. I have encountered several in my life but I know that for some of you non-believers it is just a bunch of hoopla but to that I say, you do you and I’ll do me.

My first encounter happened when I got my driver’s license. Needless to say I was over the moon and decided to take the car out on the Interstate. I didn’t really have much experience driving on a four-lane highway but I had my driver’s license and what could go wrong right? Plenty.

It was busy on that day as I pulled out onto the slow lane but having navigated that successfully, I decided to change lanes. Finally, I decided to change lanes again so I signaled, noticed the trucker was quite a distance away and pulled in. Just as quickly I glanced at my side-view mirror and to my horror, there he was right next to me! I jammed on the accelerator and shot in but then I heard a loud bang and then the back of the car was swerving back and forth violently. I held onto the steering wheel as tightly as I could which probably saved my life that day, that and the guardian angels looking out for me. My confidence was shaken but I escaped with no injuries.

A few days later, I walked into a grocery store. I was still feeling shaken from my ordeal and couldn’t trust myself to get back into a car again. Walking through the aisles, I came face to face with a man I had never seen before. He smiled gently and said, “You’ll be just fine. You have nothing to worry about.” What?!! Immediately I felt a sense of peace envelop me and as I turned around to get another glimpse of the mysterious stranger, he was gone but that memory has lived on through the years and I still wonder who he was. An angel sent to reassure me? It worked.

Later, I rescued an abandoned kitten in the middle of winter. There was an instant connection right from the start. I had just broken up with someone and as usual I was having a tough time letting go. Twitty walked in at the right moment. He was the ray of sunshine I needed and together we were an unbeatable team. He helped mend that broken heart and the smile was back on my face. Then I met my ex and Twitty had to take a backseat. I don’t think he understood but he took it in stride. Later when I got pregnant, he would lay his head on my growing stomach and purr to the high heavens. When my life took off and I was caught in my day-to-day existence of being a wife and mother, Twitty took that like a champ as well. He passed away several years later and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with but looking back, I think it was his time to go because I was “flying” and I had no need for him anymore. Guardian angels never stay for long, only as long as they are needed and only until their job on earth is done.

Many years later after my marriage fell apart, another angel walked in. He was tall with green eyes and when we first met there was a definite connection. He walked in like he belonged there and helped to put my broken heart back together again. I’ve spoken about him here many times before and to make a long story short, he lost his life a few years ago. I am pretty certain that he was my guardian angel sent to make me whole again. I learned to laugh, to smile and to enjoy life again in his presence and perhaps even to trust again. Just when I thought, I had it all together, it was time for him to go. I walked the final journey with him and still remember those last words. “Lovely, I’m so so sorry.” I didn’t understand at the time what he was sorry about but now I know. He was sorry about having to leave. Angels never stay for long.

I believe angels walk amongst us and if you’re lucky as I have been, you get to meet them if only for a little while. They leave a lasting impact even when they’re gone but their absence leaves imprints on your heart. As Christmas draws near, I want to thank all my angels for your part in my life, for your guidance, your protection and for all the life lessons and love you have shown me.

Here’s to all of you. Angels from the past, the current and the ones I haven’t met yet. Merry Christmas and may you sing loud and clear this Christmas season. Thank you.

“I can no longer

See you with my eyes

Touch you with my hands

But I will feel you

in my heart forever.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.