Pain – Site Title

ER Visit

Yesterday turned out to be a harrowing one. I woke up with pain, lots of it. The cats were waiting to be picked up so I had lots to do to get them ready for their 5 hour ride back to their daddy, my son. I gritted my teeth, took the pain as it came and got everything ready.

My ex showed up but late as usual. He took one look at my face and said, “Let’s call emergency services!” I told him I had a friend who was going to come by and drive me to the emergency room. He didn’t look happy and said, “That’s a dumb idea!” Anyway, he picked up the cats and said, “Take good care of yourself. I’ll call you later and see how you’re doing.”

The Chilean friend showed up just as he was leaving and we took off to the emergency room. Surprisingly, it was empty. Do emergencies take a break on Sundays? Looked like it. Anyway, we were shown to the waiting room. Then a nurse showed up and wanted to know all the details. Someone else showed up and took five vials of blood, asked for a urine sample, and then proceeded to stick a needle in the elbow area and another one on the top of one hand. It looked like they were getting ready to admit me. When asked, she said this is just in case we have to. Hmm….

It wasn’t all blood, guts, and gore as seen on TV. It was sedate, much too quiet, but the waiting room was filling up. We spoke to a Romanian guy whose wife was having severe pains. He asked what I had and when I told him, he said, “God will take care of you. You’ll be fine.” What a nice guy! Another lady was there with a swollen knee and we talked to her for a while. She was just as nice as the Romanian guy. I was getting fidgety after 2 hours of waiting for the blood test results. I got it close to three hours. No problems, urine no problem, but you still need to have your OP at the date given. I nodded OK. So, why the pain? “You probably pulled a muscle or tweaked a nerve.” I didn’t tell her about the workouts!

I was released and I couldn’t wait to fly out of there. We went to a restaurant afterwards and had the most wonderful salad, or it just tasted so good because I was hungry! Back home, little Chachi was waiting with a sad look on his face. He was missing his buddies! So he got extra kisses and hugs.

I’m glad to be home and not hooked up to an IV or worse still in the operating theatre having the procedure done! The pain is still there but not that bad. I plan to do some physical activity, the doctor said to do light walking. Ok, I will do that and hope I’m back to normal again.

Fingers, toes, and everything crossed!

Have an amazing day.

OUCH!

Well, it has been more than an ouch! I’ve written about the operation that is approaching and since it is supposed to be a two-hour, long drawn-out, excruciating affair, I decided that I was going to prepare my body to withstand that onslaught! I suppose you can tell by now that I am not looking forward to what is coming up and since I am coming to grips with the idea that there is nothing much I can do about the procedure, I can at least help it along by getting my body in shape.

Yes, you’ve guessed it. I’ve been working out and upping my routines. It was working out fine and I didn’t feel anything or rather my body didn’t tell me that I was doing too much. A friend called day before yesterday and he was just checking in to see how I was doing. Then he asked, “What are you doing?” I told him just finished my workout. He went quiet and then said, “I would back off from the workouts until you get that procedure done.” Hmm….did he jinx it?

Guess what? A few hours later, I felt a small ouch! Then followed a bigger OUCH! This one meant business. I felt the pain starting from my right side and shooting all the way down or halfway past my thigh area! Yes, OUCH! It was time to reel it back. Too late? I guess so but it was time to do damage control. I rubbed some cream on it, got the heating pad, turned it on, and sat back down. OUCH! That wasn’t helping, it just made things worse. AI, my true best friend, suggested icing it. So, I tried that. It felt a little better. Limping around for the rest of the day, I was PISSED! It couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Hopefully, nothing serious I prayed.

I went to bed last night in excruciating pain. Nothing seemed to work and then I got a bright idea or rather AI did. It said, try a light workout! Hmm…so I did. Just seven minutes of stretching and it seemed to do the trick. Back in bed, I put a pillow under my knees to take the pressure off my back BUT I love sleeping on my side, it was a no-go last night. Gritting my teeth, I stayed on my back. This morning I woke up with a stiff back but the pain was much better. I’ve decided to just keep stretching the muscles and to stay off my feet as much as possible.

One good thing, I’ve forgotten about this constant mantra that has been running through my head and creating havoc. “You are going to die!” that is what it keeps saying. It was nowhere to be seen today, that’s one positive aspect I suppose.

I’m ordering food in, Korean, I think. Somehow it is my favorite at the moment. Staying off my feet as much as possible and from time to time doing the stretches so that my muscles remain flexible and don’t get STUCK in one place!

Have an amazing day.

The Strength Within

Photo by Мария-Магдалена Паунова on Pexels.com

“Sometimes, the strength within you is not a fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly ‘You got this, keep going.”

Less than three weeks to go before I give up control of my body to a surgeon and hope that he is competent enough and will do a great job. Some days I am alright meaning calm and collected but on other days, like today, I am climbing walls!

My first thought when I learned about what needed to be done was, “I can’t do this!” Then it dawned on me that I was alone and even though being “alone” was and has been great but not when you don’t know the outcome and having help by your side would be a great thing to have at a time like this. Do I want my ex back? That’s a big NO! However, support of some kind would be great when you’re feeling unusually small and helpless!

I took time to mull things over. The fear wanted to take over and I almost drowned in it. Then I found that tiny spark within that said, “You are not alone. You’ve got this!” Courage came riding in on a white horse and I started looking around at what was available for a person in my situation. My Chilean friend said, “I’m here for you. I’ll drive you to both your appointments and I will drive you back home after your hospital stay.” Things started looking up. I looked some more and I got more offers of help. Friends showed up, real friends, and they offered help after the operation especially during the recuperation period.

What about Chachi? My precious little guy, what do I do about him? He has never been alone. I looked for cat sitters and there were plenty but I wanted people who were trained to do the job and to do it well. Lots of students offered to cat sit but I wasn’t too sure. Then I found one place that ticked all the right boxes. They were going to cost more than the others but I signed the contract. Someone will come in twice a day, feed him, make sure he has fresh water, food, clean the litterbox, and play with him for half an hour if he wants it. I’ve got them booked for a week because bending over will be a problem after the operation and carrying heavy stuff as well. Going up and down the stairs? I was told to keep it to a bare minimum so most of my time will be spent in the downstairs living room for the first week or so. I love my bedroom which is upstairs so I’m not looking forward to change. Workouts are out as well. Walking is allowed and recommended but 5 to 10 minutes a day for the first week. This will be hard as well. I workout 7 days a week so I can’t see myself doing that but I have no choice in the matter.

What do I do about help when I come back home? That was weighing heavy on my mind. I won’t be allowed to drive and it will be bedrest, maybe painkillers ( I hope not!), and taking it easy and hoping the wound heals. I looked around for help and I found this lady. We met and talked and she offered all the help I needed. Cleaning, taking care of Chachi, shopping, driving me to the doctor and driving me back if I needed it. I couldn’t believe it but wait there is more.

The heavens opened up and an “angel” walked in when she told me that she worked at the same hospital as a nursing aide where I would have my procedure done! My eyes opened wide when she said, “I’ll come check on you after the operation. You’ll be in good hands.” I couldn’t believe it!

“I can also help you with all your needs and I will talk to the nurses there to keep an extra eye on you! Don’t worry, I’m there for you.”

Hallelujah?!! Her wings were missing but who knows, she probably had them neatly tucked away. She walked in here this morning, cleaned up the place, took the trash away, AND we had a talk. She told me that she has a week off during the week of my operation but plans to stay home.

“Don’t worry, I plan to come visit everyday and I AM THERE FOR YOU!”

Did I get lucky or is this just too good to be true? Perhaps, luck has nothing to do with it. Angels walk among us and I truly believe that. So, have my worries subsided just a little? NOPE. I am a worrywart and I will find something else to worry about! There is this other thing. I think I’m going to die because I have had these weird feelings and premonitions that point to it. Can someone help with that? AI says it is normal to have such thoughts especially with a big operation coming up. I don’t know folks, I’ve been preparing for the worst but who knows.

My point is this, don’t give up hope. Don’t succumb to your fears and there is always a way out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

“One day you will understand that you had the strength within you from the very beginning. Keep going.” Unknown

Now, I hope that the “angel” doesn’t disappear as the time for the operation gets closer!

Cheaters Listen Up!

This one is for all the cheaters out there. The ones who think that they’ve walked off scot-free. The ones who have walked off into the sunset after breaking a heart. The ones who thought cheating was what it was about and not getting caught was an adrenalin rush!

This one is for all of you.

Ladies, if you’re struggling and wondering if they’ll ever get payback, listen carefully. What goes around comes around!

I HOPE SHE DOES YOU WORSE!

AND

This is revenge dressed in style!

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one struck a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear, she let go of the judgments. She let go of the opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go…….

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

This Thing Called Love (5) Archives

There was a darkness within her,

A storm behind her eyes,

She was complicated,

But simple,

Brave,

But terrified.

She had the heart of a mighty lion,

But deep inside she cried,

Her face was full of beauty,

Her head was full of lies,

And although the outside was pretty,

She was dead and empty inside.

Julie Addicott

Recognize her? I do. I was like her, one of the “walking dead.” We walk the earth as living, breathing human beings but inside, we are dead as a doornail. We are the ones who can’t let go and the ones who hold on to a past that had us in its grip in more ways than one. The ones who believed that love was forever and when it broke apart, we died inside.

I was that person. My eyes smiled but the inside was a cold and barren place. There was an iciness that no fire could thaw and no love could set ablaze. It was done and I moved slowly taking each day as it came, the guardian of a heart that no longer beat even though it was alive.

It took some time, a long time before I felt the thaw. Life was slowly being breathed back into me again. I don’t know what changed, I only know that I wasn’t afraid to embrace the unknown and I was ready to move forward, slowly but surely.

Then he walked in. We clicked immediately. My insides screamed that I knew him and I knew him well. I put it down to the similar experiences we had shared. He was a world traveler and we could talk for hours about a lot of things. Or could it be the gentle way he looked at me or even the way his hand would reach for mine when I wasn’t expecting it. Sometimes he would reach out and stroke my cheek or even the way we could sit for hours side by side without saying a word but feeling at home there. There was something about him that tugged at my heart. Could it be that he was hiding secrets my heart didn’t see? It was a dance of getting close, and moving apart. It was lovely, chaotic and beautiful all rolled into one. Those feelings I had left behind were front and center again and after having been in the desert of nothingness, I was coming alive with him by my side.

Then one day, he said those words. The ones that made my heart skip a beat. “I LOVE YOU.” It wasn’t said in haste or as an afterthought and it seemed genuine enough but the next day, I would know why he had seemed familiar. He was one of the “walking dead.” When he realized that the feelings he had let die was now taking hold, he ran. I was ready but he wasn’t. We would carry on this dance of reaching out and pulling back, of wanting more but we knew that it was a fire that could sear if we let it burn. We went our separate ways only to return time after time. “We always keep coming back to each other and you’ve always been the one.” Those were his words.

A few weeks ago, he called and we talked, strangers once again. “I need to figure this out,” he said, his voice tinged with confusion. I understood it well. I had been there not too long ago. When he uttered those three little words, I knew that it would be just a matter of time before he would run in a different direction, one that didn’t involve feelings, this much thinking and one that wouldn’t include me. Love is scary when you’ve experienced the destruction it can bring.

I have a tendency to excuse bad behavior and this was more than that. He was unavailable and instead of staying in his lane, he crossed over. Luckily, I had been on my journey of self-discovery for some time and even though it hurt, it didn’t destroy me because I was emerging as a much stronger person than where I had started from.

This thing called love wears many faces and sometimes it hurts like hell. It is also not a, “one size fits all” kind of thing. It has its quirks, it has its ways and sometimes just when you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, it pulls the rug from under you. There’s no rhyme or reason for why this happens and there are no guarantees. Perhaps, it’s because some of us love too hard and go all in only to find that when love leaves with no goodbyes, we die a sudden death, one that leaves you breathing but dead inside.

Sad but this too is a thing called love.

This Thing Called Love (5)

There was a darkness within her,

A storm behind her eyes,

She was complicated,

But simple,

Brave,

But terrified.

She had the heart of a mighty lion,

But deep inside she cried,

Her face was full of beauty,

Her head was full of lies,

And although the outside was pretty,

She was dead and empty inside.

Julie Addicott

This thing called love wears many faces and sometimes it hurts like hell. It is also not a, “one size fits all” kind of thing. It has its quirks, it has its ways and sometimes just when you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, it pulls the rug from under you. There’s no rhyme or reason for why this happens and there are no guarantees. Perhaps, it’s because some of us love too hard and go all in only to find that when it leaves with no goodbyes, we die a sudden death, one that leaves you breathing but dead inside.

Sad but this too is a thing called love.

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one touched a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

Racist Cruelty (Archives)

Update:

I wrote this piece in 2024 and since then the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have made it to the 7th year of marital bliss, against all odds I might add. If the haters could have their way, it would be done and dusted by now. They want to believe that it’s all a sham and they couldn’t possibly be happy. The latest tirade against the couple is nothing short of horrific. This time it is not just coming from across the pond but from this side of the pond and the charge is being led by right-wing pundit Meghan Kelly. Her recent attack on her podcast bordered on the unthinkable. It was like she had venom oozing out of her every pore! She called the Duchess of Sussex a “malignant narcissist,” among other insults and accusations which begs the question, “What is your problem Meghan Kelly?” Envy? Jealousy? An all out mean streak? Most of these attacks have racist undertones as are those aimed at the couple from all directions. It is cruel, it is nasty and racism is well and doing just fine!

Photo by Monstera Production on Pexels.com

“Racism is abhorrent and ugly, and it plaques our world.

We must reject and condemn it without reservation, without hesitation, without qualification, every time and everywhere.” Antonio Guterres

Once there was a boy and a girl who fell in love and got married. The boy happened to be a prince and the girl, well, she was of mixed-race.

The beginning was fairytale-like. Cinderella got her prince so to speak BUT then the evil forces gathered and worked tirelessly behind the scenes to rip asunder what could only be described as a beautiful love story.

Soon the girl was talking about taking her own life so the prince decided to give up his kingdom for the love of the girl. They moved faraway to quiet the storm and to get away from the evil clutches of the ugly people. Race mattered and the boy and girl had broken the sacred code. Mixed race was a no go as far as the kingdom was concerned. Blue blood was the only way to go as far as the racists were concerned.

They gathered forces and screamed out with all their might. Within this circle were the press corp, TV personalities, members of the Royal family and those that hid within their bedrooms equipped with a TV and a microphone. They spewed their message of hate for no other reason than pure hatred. The girl was portrayed as the ‘witch’ who stole the prince. Nothing she did could quiet the rage she had unknowingly unleashed simply because she had dared to cross the line and had fallen in love with the young prince. Love, in this case, didn’t matter.

The boy and girl were faraway across the pond by now but the ugliness followed them. Every move was met with furore of the worst kind. They had two children, a beautiful boy and a girl, but nothing could stop the storm of hate. The beautiful girl was now a symbol of hatred. If they could have, they would have screamed, “Off with her head!” as in the old days and watched with glee as their symbol of hate was put to rest mercilessly.

Racism and hate go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. However, racism is not a thing of the past. It is doing well with the haters stoking its fires to keep it burning brightly. How potent is it? In this case, it is enough to destroy a beautiful love story, enough to bring a beautiful girl to her knees and maybe even enough to destroy a marriage all done in the name of racism, nothing more, nothing less.

This is a sad story. Rumors are that the boy and girl are having a hard time and the racists are beating their drums with glee and thumping their chests at their handiwork. I hope the Duke and Duchess of Sussex survive the ordeal they have been put through and go on to live a long and happy life. Racism is ugly beyond words but the fact that it is thriving so blatantly speaks volumes.

“Sometimes racism takes the form of ugly words and actions. Other times it remains unspoken, communicated by hostile looks and secret snickers. But the most corrosive form, and often the hardest to address, is not being seen at all.” Kwame Onwuachi

Ghosting

I’m not talking about the spooky variety that scares the hell out of you but the kind that is mean and done to do damage. I’m talking about “Ghosting” which is prevalent in today’s digital age and which is meant to hurt in a sinister way.

It is defined as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Have you experienced this form of communication or rather “no communication” to be more precise? It hurts doesn’t it? The problem is, it was meant to hurt you. It is a heartbreaking reality in today’s world and it has the potential to shatter your self-esteem, grip at your insides and even though it is an act, a non-thinking and cowardly one, the pain is akin to that of the physical variety.

Gentleman’s Rule #10:

If you can’t handle what she brings to the table, or if she’s not the woman for you, leave the table like a gentleman. Don’t ghost, ghosting is for insecure shit-heads. The fact that we have a word for this behavior says more about men, than women.” onefemalecanuck.com

According to some mental professionals, ghosting can be classified as a form of emotional cruelty and it is. It causes emotional distress, sadness, despair, anger and a whole host of other emotions. Ghosting is a sign that the perpetrator of this act has poor communication skills, is immature and disrespectful of your feelings because being “ghosted” can leave an unwanted imprint on the “ghostee” the person being ghosted.

“Ghosting doesn’t work on me, I don’t care if we never speak again.” Unknown

Easier said than done? Here are some tips on how to recover from being ghosted according to drtracyhutchison.com

Realize that no response is a response.

Try not to take it personally.

Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal.

Set boundaries.

Move on.

If all else fails, do this:

“When someone ghosts you, respect the dead and MOVE ON!” Unknown

Have an amazing day.