letting go

Too Available?

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Are you? Do you jump in with both feet when someone, a buddy, a family member, and or a stranger needs your help? Do you wear yourself out trying to help them? Do you forget about yourself in the process? Do you wonder what happened when after all the trouble you went through to offer help, you find out that it was all for nothing? The people you chose to help did not show any gratitude and you were left feeling like it was all for nothing?

Welcome to the club of being “Too Available.” Not all of us are built that way. Some of us are and others live to people-please and we take it to a whole new level. I was talking to a friend recently about this problem and he said, “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s a**hole.” It is a well-known idiom meaning, “that trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and ultimately makes you inauthentic or disliked by all.” This phrase is associated with figures like Franz Josef Strauss, and it means”that bending over backward for universal approval leads to a loss of integrity.”

Today’s Lesson:

“Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them.” Unknown

I know plenty of said people. Some are close friends and others family members. Knowing that, it doesn’t make the pain any less hurtful, instead I question why some people are made that way. I guess the answer lies in the fact that people are people and each one is wired differently. The friend went on to say, “Nice people usually get the wrong end of the stick.” Well, he’s German so I think that this is what he meant. There maybe some truth to that assumption. I looked it up and this is what I found.

People-pleasing usually fails because you change your behavior to match whatever everyone else wants. By doing that, your boundaries suffer and there is no clear demarcation or lines drawn.

The truth is you can’t please everyone. Coming back to how people are wired and how each one has opposing values, expectations, and in trying to satisfy everyone, you end up satisfying no one.

You lose respect because by trying to accommodate everyone, you are seen as someone who agrees to everything and therefore not someone with clear principles. Basically, too much availability kills your value.

“Make yourself unavailable for unavailable people, who are only available when they want you to be available.” Mintu Kumar

What to do about this problem?

Never Forget This…..

If you’re always available – people stop valuing you.

If you constantly help – they start using you.

If you stay silent when it hurts – they’ll hurt you more often.

If you settle for less – they’ll never offer more.

If you don’t set limits – they’ll take control.

I don’t know who wrote that but he/she hit the nail on the head. The problem is knowing that, are people-pleasers ready to take that advice and learn from it? Or will it go in one ear and out the other when the next people-pleasing situation arises?

I don’t know but I think it takes practice to say NO or to look away and to stop from rushing to help. I’m not there yet but in time I hope I’ll be wearing a different tag and stop being, “Everybody’s darling” and “not everybody’s a**hole!” It is tiring, it is exhausting, and it hurts when things don’t turn out the way you want it to do and some kind of “thank you” is offered, which usually doesn’t happen.

“Stop being available for people who don’t prioritize you and your time.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Expect the Unexpected

“In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.” Joan Rivers

True? I am beginning to believe that life doesn’t always flow on an even keel. It may for a while and then it gets turned upside down because the unexpected arrives. Sometimes those things are of a minor nature and you can weather them without getting your underwear in a wad! At other times, however, the unexpected is exactly what you didn’t want to happen. Whichever version it is, the unexpected arrives more often than not and we just have to deal with the consequences.

If you’re like me, I don’t like the unexpected! It usually means I have to learn another lesson and since I’m as stubborn as a mule, it takes TIME and EFFORT and a certain mindset to move me in the right direction.

What happened? Well, if you’ve been reading my posts you know that I love certain things. Like walks in nature, meditation, yoga, sports, keeping fit, and going to the cafe for a cup of coffee. It gets me out of here and I love the cozy atmosphere there and meeting friends was always a delight. We would have a cup of coffee, sometimes breakfast, and talk to our heart’s content.

This morning, I went into town to do a little shopping for the weekend and wanted to have a cup of coffee at my favorite place. Guess what? It was closed and not only that, the signs were gone, the outdoor sitting area was empty, and the inside was bare! Everything was gone. A fly-by-night operation? I don’t think so but something must have happened. I felt a tinge of sadness go through me. I don’t like changes as well. Anyway, the other option is the bakery, the one where the cheesecakes sit and beckon! I did go there. Ordered my cup of coffee and they asked, “A slice of cheesecake?”I nodded in the negative and took my seat.

It felt different but it was a doable option. It wasn’t as cozy as the cafe but it will do for now. I sipped my coffee and listened to the noise. Yes, noise. There were people lined up waiting to be served, people chatting up a storm in their booths, and there was constant movement. Hardly cozy, but I reeled in my discontent and finished my coffee. This was unexpected but things change and I need to go with the flow I told myself. Who knows maybe another cafe will open up. Having made peace with the situation, I walked out and headed to my favorite seafood place. They have really fresh seafood and I’m a regular there.

BAM! They were closed as well. There was no sign on the door, the lights were out, the counters empty, and looked like they were closed as well! This was just too much! Calm down I told myself. Maybe, just maybe, they will be back but something tells me that they are history as well!

“Don’t miss out on a blessing ‘cos it isn’t packaged the way you expected; expect the unexpected.” Unknown

What’s the blessing? I DON’T KNOW! I just want them back.

Breathe, take a long slow breath, and let it go.

“To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect.” Oscar Wilde

Bah humbug! Ok, breathing for all I’m worth. Letting go as well. Maybe there will be a miracle when I show up in town the next time around and there will be another cafe and a fish shop waving at me like the cheesecakes do.

Have an amazing day.

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one struck a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear, she let go of the judgments. She let go of the opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go…….

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

Change is Hard (Archives)

Change is hard because “our brains are wired to prefer certainty, comfort, and routine, and change threatens our sense of control and security.” Add fear of the unknown to it and it is next to impossible to accept change when it rolls around as it inevitably does because it is a part of life. Change happens whether we like it or not and learning to live with it is a must.

I dig in my heels whenever “change” shows its face around here. My first instinct is to shout out loud more out of fear than anything else. “Oh no, not you again! I don’t need any more changes in my well-organized and well-regimented life,” that is my cry. Change just smiles and takes its place patiently until I come to my senses because it knows that there is no getting away from it, and then it is time to go to work again, getting rid of the old and letting the new in.

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” James Belusco and Ralph Stayer

Have you ever struggled to hold onto something when letting go was the only option you had? Did you come up with excuses as to why it needed to stay? Did you turn what was staring you in the face, the truth, into more than what it was? I’m sure all of us have done that at one point or another. Hanging on to what is familiar is easy to do, not much effort is needed, and even if it hurts like hell, it is a much better option then taking the radical route. The one that takes you on a different path, the road less traveled so to speak and not knowing what is around that corner is more than frightening. If truth be told, it is the path that you’ll have to take to free yourself of what is weighing you down and it is the path that comes with changes. Those changes bring uncertainty, they bring pain, they make you accept your inadequacies and at times, they are more than uncomfortable. If you want better, accepting change is the only way to go.

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma

I’m at the “messy in the middle” part. The “gorgeous” part hasn’t arrived yet and it is scary at times but I know that if I keep at it and keep moving forward one step at a time, I’ll see the light. What light? The light at the end of the tunnel. Change is hard and I’m discarding as I go and accepting some truths that are needed as I move forward. I’ll get there one day.

Sometimes accepting “change” is the only way to go. Let go of what you give value to when you know that you’re overestimating its worth. Not everything is the “next best thing since sliced bread,” and quite often it is more like stale bread! Accept changes as they come and know it will be hard until it turns into something gorgeous.

Have an amazing day.

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I’ve written about letting go before but this time it is about letting go of adult children. It is interesting how they come into your life and turn your world upside down from the first moment you hear that cry, that helpless cry which signals for you to step in and take over as their protector and their safe zone. However, as they start to grow, life becomes a series of letting go.

“Letting go of adult children involves trusting your parenting, allowing them to make mistakes for growth, setting healthy boundaries, and shifting from directing to supporting.”

I’ve been grappling with the idea of “letting go” ever since my son got the news shortly before Christmas that he got the job he has been dreaming of. I couldn’t have been prouder as he stood there wearing the “cat who swallowed the cream” look and gave me the news. I was PROUD but a day later, I found myself gasping for air. The move would mean he would be four hours away, an eternity to me. Even though university was two hours away and I went from, “I can’t!” to I will survive this. I did. However, there were days when my anxiety took over and I had to talk myself down from the tree I was on. I needed to believe that he would be alright but it was hard to do. Somehow I made it through.

“As a parent, you quickly realize that life is one long series of letting go: watching your kid crawl, then walk, then run, and then drive away.” Deborah Mitchell

The papers are there, he will have to make a decision soon and then it will happen whether I want it to or not. Part of me wants him with me but he is no longer a child, he is a young man getting ready to fly. He is looking forward to a new life and even though the unknown is scary, I sense that he is ready to go.

“Raising your child well is hard. But learning to let them go out into the world and prove that you did your job right is even tougher.” J. Crane

It is TOUGH! We had a long talk yesterday and I see this young man who thinks he has the world in the palms of his hands and he is ready to show the world that he is capable, strong, and ready to rumble! I still see my baby. I guess I always will.

“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” Hodding Carter, Jr.

AND

“Loving your adult children means letting them grow, stumble, and soar on their own terms. Independence is their gift to themselves – and your gift to them.” Unknown

I KNOW that when the time comes and I have to let him go again, I will. Until then, I will talk myself into letting him go knowing that he has the wings he needs and I will be the wind under them if ever he needs me.

I’ve taught him well and it is time to fly even if my heart wants to hold a little tighter for just a little while longer.

“Being a good parent requires knowing when to push & when to back off when to help & when to let them make mistakes & then being strong enough to watch them go.” Unknown

I wish you well.

Letting Go vs. Letting Go (Archives)

There are two kinds of letting go, perhaps there are more ways of doing that but I’m going to talk about two kinds here that make letting go more than a nightmare.. The kind that is of a temporary nature and then there is the more permanent kind. In the temporary kind, you have every intention of letting go but when you do, it is only a matter of time before you go back to the same person. It doesn’t matter how bad the person has treated you, how you were almost invisible in their eyes, how they never had any time for you and you were never the priority but still, you hope and wish that things could have been different. Here’s the problem, it never changes because what they’ve shown you is what you get, nothing more, nothing less. Instead of showing them the door, you keep it slightly ajar just in case they decide to walk back in and do the drumroll all over again and you bow to their every wish.

“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown

The other “letting go” kind is doing it permanently. You realize that the person you were seeing or dating has a lot of the qualities above and you see them for what they are. Maybe it is narcissism, maybe it is selfishness, maybe it is a lack of integrity or character and maybe they are just too full of themselves and think they are IT and everything revolves around them. It’s time to cut the cord because the relationship is not going anywhere and you also realize that you deserve better than what is being handed to you on a worn-out platter. It’s time to do a major change and to take out the trash.

“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale

There are many lessons to learn in life and one of them is, you can’t force someone to change. You can only change yourself and take control of who you are, what you deserve and who you want to be with.

“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown

The problem with letting go and why it doesn’t work at times is because we keep looking back at a non-existent relationship and we romanticize it to the point that the guy comes out looking like Prince Charming when in actuality he is a toad or a turd! We come in with the “if only” scenarios hoping and wishing it could be different. Changing someone’s character is next to impossible, it might work for a while but then the real person shows up again and it is only a matter of time before that happens. If he is a cheater, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’ll do it again. If he is a narcissist, he’s a lost cause and if he’s someone who shows no empathy or compassion, well, that is not going to change either because it is built into their DNA. Pay careful attention to what they show you because you’re looking at the truth right there.

“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown

That is good advice because if he wants to go, let him go. Don’t keep wondering who he is with, what they are doing together and what he is up to. If you do, it makes letting go a very hard or almost an impossible thing to do.

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey

Take Ms. Winfrey’s advice, the lady knows what she is talking about. Stay in the moment and give him enough rope to hang himself but YOU keep moving forward. Rest assured that whoever he is with or whatever he is doing is not far from what he was doing with you because people never change and they don’t change overnight and start smelling like a rose either. It is not for you to wonder why, just know that perhaps it was for the best.

LET GO & JUST LET IT BE.

Have an amazing day.

Change is Hard

“Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up.” James Belusco and Ralph Stayer

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma

Have an amazing day.

Embracing Silence

“Once you’ve matured, you realize silence is more powerful than proving a point.” Unknown

Human nature is such that when we think or perceive that a wrong has been done, “silence” one of the most powerful tools in our arsenal is overlooked and venting comes to the forefront. Sure, it feels better after a vent and rage session BUT did you achieve anything?

“He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” Elbert Hubbard

It’s like “throwing pearls before swine” and it translates into, “to offer something valuable to those who will not appreciate or understand its worth.” Herein likes the truth of the matter. If the person never appreciated you in the first place, no amount of anger, rage, or venting is going to make them change their mind. It boils down to, “You didn’t matter to them.” The truth hurts doesn’t it? Sure it does, but don’t expect them to see that hurt because they won’t. The thing is, they don’t care. YOU have to learn that not all responses, rejections, or insults deserve a response. Pick your battles carefully and to someone who didn’t see your worth in the first place, this is a losing one. It is time to close the door and to move on.

“Sometimes, silence is the best revenge. Not every lie or deceit deserves your reaction. Embrace the power of quiet strength and let your peace speak louder than words.” Unknown

In times past, any wrongdoing was met with strong words, anger and even sadness but these days I “embrace silence” and I go within to find my strength and that is where my power resides.

“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.” Rumi

Believe me, HEAR you will. You will not only hear but also see clearly all the unworthy things you put up with. How you gave credit to someone who didn’t deserve an iota of it and how you stood by and let them take your heart for a ride of the unsavory kind. I guess you can say I’ve matured because “letting go” of such individuals has become a matter of fact thing. I let my silence do the talking. However, when you do embrace silence, don’t expect that they’ll come running back. Accept it as water under the bridge because the wrongdoers know what they’re about and your silence is not going to change them.

There is no winning, just a conscious decision to let go and let it float away. There will be better days and better people on the way. The wrong ones will fade away. You just need to detach from the drama. Don’t let your emotions control you, open your mind and observe carefully. Embracing silence helps you to do just that. Here’s the thing, not everyone deserves access to your emotions.

“When you understand your worth, arguments become unnecessary.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Letting Go vs. Letting Go

“It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still waiting for the impossible to happen.” Unknown

“Letting go does not mean you stop caring, it means you stop trying to force others to.” Mandy Hale

“The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn’t much left to hold on to.” Unknown

“If he’s stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him.” Unknown

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” Oprah Winfrey

LET GO & JUST LET IT BE.

Have an amazing day.

Make Peace & Move On

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Making peace is necessary because it is a step in the right direction, that of moving on. It involves five steps to resolve a difficult situation and or experience.

You first have to acknowledge and confront your feelings.

Next, you have to understand why those feelings exist and how they are affecting you. This involves reaching in the past to see how it is affecting your present.

Forgiveness is next. This is hard to do. Sometimes it is impossible to forgive but if you’re up to it, forgive yourself and others for their part in causing you distress. Easier said than done I know.

Then comes letting go. This part is not easy either but it needs to be done to move forward. Release negative emotions and leave it behind you and don’t keep looking back at that closed door.

The final part is moving forward. You’ll have to find a way to live with what you’ve experienced without letting it dominate your life.

Making peace is a journey just like moving on is. You’ll have to take it one day at a time and be ready to stand back up if you take a fall which will happen. Sometimes it takes several falls before you find your way again.

Here are some quotes to help you on your way.

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” Brigitte Nicole

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Closure happens right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how the relationship could have been.” Unknown

“If you don’t make peace with your past, it will keep showing up in your present.” Wayne Dyer

This is so true.

“Making peace with your past means:

Grieving the version of yourself who made different choices, lived with different perspectives, and walked a different path.” Unknown

MOVING ON…….

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened ….or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.” Tupac Shakur

Beautifully said.

Have an amazing day.