Are you? Do you jump in with both feet when someone, a buddy, a family member, and or a stranger needs your help? Do you wear yourself out trying to help them? Do you forget about yourself in the process? Do you wonder what happened when after all the trouble you went through to offer help, you find out that it was all for nothing? The people you chose to help did not show any gratitude and you were left feeling like it was all for nothing?
Welcome to the club of being “Too Available.” Not all of us are built that way. Some of us are and others live to people-please and we take it to a whole new level. I was talking to a friend recently about this problem and he said, “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s a**hole.” It is a well-known idiom meaning, “that trying to please everyone all the time is impossible and ultimately makes you inauthentic or disliked by all.” This phrase is associated with figures like Franz Josef Strauss, and it means”that bending over backward for universal approval leads to a loss of integrity.”
Today’s Lesson:
“Stop being always available to people who are just there for you when it’s convenient for them.” Unknown
I know plenty of said people. Some are close friends and others family members. Knowing that, it doesn’t make the pain any less hurtful, instead I question why some people are made that way. I guess the answer lies in the fact that people are people and each one is wired differently. The friend went on to say, “Nice people usually get the wrong end of the stick.” Well, he’s German so I think that this is what he meant. There maybe some truth to that assumption. I looked it up and this is what I found.
People-pleasing usually fails because you change your behavior to match whatever everyone else wants. By doing that, your boundaries suffer and there is no clear demarcation or lines drawn.
The truth is you can’t please everyone. Coming back to how people are wired and how each one has opposing values, expectations, and in trying to satisfy everyone, you end up satisfying no one.
You lose respect because by trying to accommodate everyone, you are seen as someone who agrees to everything and therefore not someone with clear principles. Basically, too much availability kills your value.
“Make yourself unavailable for unavailable people, who are only available when they want you to be available.” Mintu Kumar
What to do about this problem?
Never Forget This…..
If you’re always available – people stop valuing you.
If you constantly help – they start using you.
If you stay silent when it hurts – they’ll hurt you more often.
If you settle for less – they’ll never offer more.
If you don’t set limits – they’ll take control.
I don’t know who wrote that but he/she hit the nail on the head. The problem is knowing that, are people-pleasers ready to take that advice and learn from it? Or will it go in one ear and out the other when the next people-pleasing situation arises?
I don’t know but I think it takes practice to say NO or to look away and to stop from rushing to help. I’m not there yet but in time I hope I’ll be wearing a different tag and stop being, “Everybody’s darling” and “not everybody’s a**hole!” It is tiring, it is exhausting, and it hurts when things don’t turn out the way you want it to do and some kind of “thank you” is offered, which usually doesn’t happen.
“Stop being available for people who don’t prioritize you and your time.” Unknown
Have an amazing day.
