letting go – Page 2

Simplify (Archives)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about cleaning out my shoe closet, bagging up and getting rid of tons, yes tons of shoes that were taking up space. They were no longer needed because all they were doing was simply staring me in the face and living rent-free in my closet. It was time for them to go. Decision made but it was with a heavy heart that I gave them their freedom. They were free to go light up someone else’s eyes and perhaps more appropriately to go where they were truly needed.

“Fill your life with lots of experiences, not lots of things. Have incredible stories to tell, not incredible clutter in your closets.” Marc and Angel

I think life is simply an accumulation of holding on to things. It is a collection of things taking up space, emotions that surge and thrive on shaky ground and a constant struggle between the two. Clutter helps to shrink your physical space and minimize your mental capabilities. Letting go is hard and for someone like me who holds on for way longer than it is needed, decluttering is an almost impossible task to do.

“Clutter is not just the stuff on your floor – it’s anything that stands between you and the life you want to be living.” Peter Walsh

The problem is you can’t move on when you’re holding on to all that is not needed. There must be a conscious decision and effort to “clean house” meaning letting go of things that no longer serve you. Things and emotions that wear you down, make you lose track of where you need to go, which direction you will have to take to get there and most importantly a decision has to be made to let go, get rid off and open up space maybe for new clutter but the truth is, there is no moving forward if you’re standing still. You can’t do both.

“Simplifying your life isn’t just about decluttering your physical space, it’s also about clearing mental and emotional clutter.” Unknown

Understanding that, you’ve got to declutter. Most of us tend to have an iron grip on things that don’t matter and then we wonder why it is so hard to breathe at times or to feel free. If it is not adding value to your life, let it go. If it is just taking up space, dump it. If it makes you feel like you’ve got to do something about it, that’s a clear signal that action is needed.

Focus, declutter, simplify, simplify, simplify. As for people and emotions,

“If your presence can’t add value to my LIFE, your absence will make no difference.” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Idolizing Reality

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“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” Dita von Teese

What does idolizing reality really mean? It is “the act of putting a person, relationship, or situation on a pedestal, holding it to an unrealistic standard, and often becoming overly attached to it.”

How often have you cried over split milk? More times than you can remember? More appropriately, have you put that person on a pedestal, one they didn’t belong on, weeping a waterfall over the no-good, two-timing you know what. I know I have. I’ve cried a waterfall and more over that cheating ex of mine not because he was the best thing that ever happened to me but because I had single-handedly put him on a pedestal he didn’t deserve. Yes, we idolize reality and how!

“It’s so easy to get wrapped up in idolizing the relationship once it’s ended.

But in reality, the relationship had problems.

It was not meant to last – otherwise it would have.” Unknown

Idolizing reality can be a bad thing and it often is. It can take years to let go of the perception that you can’t do better. Sometimes blaming yourself for what went down but if you step back and look at it carefully, dissect it piece by piece, you’ll find exactly this. The person was sorely lacking in all that you were looking for. It would have been a lot easier if you could have flipped that light switch and moved on but as humans, we have a hard time doing that. Perhaps, idolizing that relationship gives us an out instead of, “How could I have been so gullible?”

“My life dramatically improved when I started seeing people for who they are plus what they’ve shown me, instead of romanticizing about what they could be.” Unknown

Elbert Einstein had this say: “To invent something, all you need is imagination and a big pile of junk.”

He nailed it on the head, didn’t he? We have imagination and for some of us it’s on overdrive and it often takes us places we don’t want to go. It keeps us there because we don’t see it as “junk” but as the next best thing to sliced bread. Therein lies the problem. It’s time to clean house, get your perspectives right and shut the door tightly behind you. Even a minute spent on “idolizing” that kind of reality is too much.

Note to Self:

“Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now, and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So, RELAX. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough. Breathe deep….let go, and just live right now in the moment.” Unknown

While you’re doing that, give all the things you’re holding on to like how great he was, he didn’t mean it, he made a mistake and most importantly, “I can’t find another someone like him,” a boot out the door! You’ll find someone better. Trust and believe that you will AND do the work to get you there. Yes, it takes work but it’s better than “idolizing” that sod as the Brits would say.

Have an amazing day.

I Love Sundays!

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I do love Sundays. It is a day of rest and meant for time well-spent with family, friends and yourself. Well, it should be and every weekend before Sunday rolls around wearing bells and whistles, I have exactly that in mind but it never works out that way.

I had that talk with Chachi, the cat, and you guessed it, it went in one ear and out the other! The little guy in the fur coat marches to a different drumbeat and he makes his own rules! Last night started out well enough and the little rascal toed the line until he decided that it was not something a cat should be expected to do, toe the line that is. He was off and running and kept me up most of the night with his antics. I decided to let it roll off my back like water off a duck’s back. If you can’t beat them join them…..well, I decided to let him have his way and went into a nirvana state of mind but only in my head, everything else was riled up and revving to go! You guessed how my night went.

I even went to bed wearing a t-shirt that said:

SUNDAY CHECKLIST

EAT AND DO NOTHING

DO NOTHING AND CHILL

CHILL AND SLEEP

No luck there. Reading is not what he is about. He, the little munchkin, was up at his usual time and his first cry was, “Mommy!” We went downstairs at around 5:30 and I made my breakfast with my well-meaning t-shirt full of creases just like my dreams of having a cozy time in bed! Now, I am sitting at the computer and the little guy just came back up and jumped on the chair behind me and has his back up against me! Mommy’s boy? Definitely!

Sundays are meant for relaxing and I’m going to make it so. It is storming outside and it feels cold inside the house. I’m happy about the rain because the ground has been parched and a good dousing would do a world of good as far as the plant world is concerned. So rain on! I’m going to get my second cup of coffee and TRY to CHILL!

Have an amazing Sunday.

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one touched a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear, she let go of the judgments. She let go of the opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go…….

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

ALL THAT BAGGAGE (Archives)

A soft reminder:

“not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.” Unknown

I’m talking about emotional baggage, the kind that has gathered so much dust but we still carry them around like an albatross around our necks. Everyone has them but some find it easy to let go and to move on. Others lug it around because they love going back there for whatever the reason and than there are those who use it as a “get out of jail free card.” They whip it out as a talking point as to why they are stuck where they’re at and can’t see their way forward.

Most or all of the “emotional baggage” belongs in the past but unresolved issues, anger, sadness, grief or just plain, “I love living in the past” attitude puts it front and center and makes it very much a part of the present.

“Leave your baggage where it belongs. In the past. It has no place in your future.” Unknown

Things happen and oftentimes we have no control over it. It could be a break up or a painful event such as losing a loved one or even situations which cause anger, confusion and absolute disbelief. They happened and there is no changing the outcome but by carrying that baggage around like a well-worn trophy, it is not going to change what took place in the past. It happened and there is no going back. You can only move forwards.

“We all have baggage but there comes a time when you realize it’s time to UNPACK.” Unknown

Here are some examples of emotional baggage:

I’ll never be good enough.

I don’t deserve good things.

Everyone will leave me.

I am angry.

I will never forgive.

I can’t escape my past.

Nobody cares about me!

I hate my life!

I can’t move forward.

I failed.

This is as good as it gets.

Recognize any of them? I DO.

“Emotional baggage refers to “unfinished emotional issues, stressors, pain, and difficulties we’ve experienced that continue to take up space in our minds and affect our present relationships.” http://www.verywellmind.com

The truth is:

“Emotional baggage is heavy, and it’s way too expensive to keep dragging along to all the places that life wants to take you.” Unknown

No, it is not easy to get rid of emotional baggage because we keep filling it up every chance we get. It gets so full sometimes that I can’t zip it up for all the useless stuff that I fill it up with, mostly things that have happened and it is still there for all the reasons I have stated above. It’s time to refocus and discard what no longer serves you.

If you want to get rid of the ‘useless’ you need to do some work. According to http://www.griefworkcenter.com, “Identify what you have actually lost and grieve that which is gone, focus on your strengths that empower you; explore the tasks you need to complete to let go of the overwhelming feelings, and focus on how you have experienced growth because of what happened.”

I can hear one friend saying, “I CAN’T! It seems like only yesterday.” To that friend I say, “The truth is, it’s been more than 10 years. LET IT GO.” You don’t need that “get out of jail free card,” anymore, you have places to go.

AND

“Misery might love company but so does joy, and joy throws much better parties.” Billy Joey

Have an amazing day.

A Proud Mom

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” Nishan Panwar

My son asked me recently, “Mom why do you still worry about me? I’ve been on my own for some time now.”

It’s true. He moved away to finish his studies and has been on his own and managing whatever he needed to do single-handedly.

My answer to that question: “I’ll always worry about you no matter how old you get.”

He is now on the cusp of starting another chapter in his life. Studies are over and his first job is waiting on the horizon. It means moving to wherever the job is and starting out with no safety net beneath him. It also means learning to fly on his own and to take care of whatever comes his way. I know he is fully capable of doing the unknown. He showed us recently just how capable he is. There were days of uncertainty and not knowing which way to go. How to get started when “no job experience” was staring him in the face. Most of all he was afraid of taking that all important step of cutting ties with two people who had always been there for him. Just like the baby bird learning to fly he had to move slowly but move he must. There was no other way.

He got rejections that is part and parcel of the process. Shaking it off like water off a duck’s back wasn’t easy but he did it. Suddenly he got his first job interview. It was nerve-wracking but he handled it well. The job was his if he wanted it! However, it wasn’t what he wanted although it paid well. His reply, “I’m not that type,” meaning the job demanded more than what he was willing to put in. He knew himself well. It was off to another job interview. He made it through with flying colors and was offered a two day trial period. He slayed the dragon! The second and final interview was yesterday. He went there like a lamb to the slaughter only to find that he had landed the job! He has his first job in the bag. Looming on the horizon is another job interview, this one could be the “forever” job. The interview date is set and he will show up for it. It will take him further away and I told myself I couldn’t handle the distance but I know and he knows that we’ve handled much more than distance in our lives. We will somehow handle this too.

The little boy whose hands I held as a young child is getting ready to take life by the horns and he is getting ready to go it alone. Part of me can’t believe this is happening and the other part is learning to let him go, to let him fly, to go where he needs to and to live life to the fullest. I am so proud of him although I still see him as the little boy he was, not this grown-up young man as he is now. I will still be the wind beneath his wings and I will cheer him on from the sidelines as I have done all these years. He knows I am his ally and his staunchest supporter and that will never change but my voice will be quieter now as he learns to listen to his own.

Just one little bit of advice. I’ll pass it on to you as my mom did a long time ago when I was getting ready to fly. She said, “If you fall down, stand back up, dust yourself off and keep on moving.” Words of wisdom that has stood the test of time in my life. Always remember failure is not an option. You are built to succeed and you will, come hell or high water. One more thing, YOU CAN DO THIS!

I wish you well my son, I am so proud of you.

The Reason (Archives)

A Series on Getting Back on Track

Life has a tendency to throw curveballs when you least expect it. Just when you think all is going well and there you are asking what went wrong? What happened? It could be a break-up, the passing of a loved one or simply because something didn’t go the way you thought it would. Then the question WHY arises as it always does in moments such as these and we scramble to look for the answers.

“Always remember that everything happens for a reason. It might not make sense now but at the right time it will.” Unknown

Does it matter as to the reason why? Some may say of course it does. I NEED a reason why. Others may say, it happened. I am going to learn from my mistakes, accept it for what it is and move on from here. I am going to take the lessons I have learned and put it to good use in the future. Moving on is a hard thing to do and not knowing “why” makes it harder still.

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” Unknown

I am learning that the reasons why don’t matter. It is what comes out of it that does. I lost someone close to me about two years ago. He was my best friend. I kept asking the question why after it happened? Why did he have to leave so soon? I wanted and needed to know the reasons why. It was as if my existence depended on the answers coming back to me. There were no answers forthcoming. Just an absolute and eerie silence. The reality was I could no longer run to him in my time of need, hear his soothing voice try to walk me out of the rabbit hole I was in and I just missed having him there to share the important and not so important things with him. I had taken him for granted and when it was time for him to go my world crumbled. The truth was, I had to deal with things on my own. I felt fear without my safety net there. It was sink or swim time. I felt the net being pulled away and as I came careening back down to earth, I learned that nothing lasts forever. I also learned as I kicked and screamed all the way down that I am enough as I am. I am fully capable of dealing with what life throws my way and I am learning to step out of my comfort zone albeit slowly and moving with little steps forward.

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes the reason why is not ours to know but what you do with what is handed to you whether it be good or bad is. I think all of us are fully equipped or rather we are fully programmed to deal with whatever life throws our way. The way ahead maybe strewn with rocks as big as boulders so passing throw them might seem like an impossible task at first but if you have the courage to push through, you will find your way and on to the other side at some point in time. The truth is most times you’ll have to move forward without asking WHY because there is no other choice.

“Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong & keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.” John Mayer

Have an amazing day.

Staring into the Abyss

A Series on Getting Back on Track

I heard this somewhere, not sure where and not sure who said it but it stuck with me. It goes like this.

Standing on top of a cliff and looking down, I hear myself say, “What if I fall?” A voice comes back and says, “Oh, my darling, what if you fly?”

It stuck with me because there were many times when I’ve stood on that cliff and asked that very same question, “What if I fall?” I refused to contemplate that I might just fly. I stayed because I was afraid to take that step forward. Fear of the unknown kept me there, of what I couldn’t see did the rest. I knew that staying where I was would keep me captive but staring into that abyss has kept me a prisoner.

After my divorce, I stood at the crossroads and wondered which way I should go? Everything told me to take the road less travelled. Go embrace the unknown it said. ”What have you got to lose?” I stayed put and took the other turn. The one that was familiar, the one my heart knew so I embraced the pain that was still there and refused to budge.

Along my journey, I met men who reminded me of “him.” Mostly mediocre relationships with mediocre men. My heart was content because there was comfort in the familiar and I did not have to navigate unfamiliar territory. I knew the path well. Mediocre relationships is defined as a “relationship with another person which is typically a symptom of a mediocre relationship with yourself. When you don’t know yourself or honor your needs, it’s easy to stay in a mediocre relationship. Mediocre can be safe, familiar, just enough….but not deeply fulfulling or vibrant.”

Accepting how I was treated made me believe I was loved. Afterall, it was familiar territory. I felt safe thinking this is the real deal. I knew there was more out there than someone blurting out, “I love you,” without any thought as to what it really meant. It didn’t matter, I was on cloud nine but the reality was mediocre brings mediocrity. Why do we accept it? ”It comes from a fear of failing as well as not being willing to deal with others tearing you down.” The truth is, I saw it, I felt it and I accepted it and so I stayed to fight another day.

Strangely enough no matter how many times I got hurt and the truth kept staring me in the face, I held on for dear life. I was basically saying there isn’t anything better out there. Why do you need better? Isn’t this enough? The “this” being a lukewarm relationship with no substance to it. You see the person I am alluding to was having a mediocre relationship with himself and so did not see “me”, the real me, he was busy slaying his own demons. Like attracts like? Perhaps but here is where I found myself until I saw what Mark Sterling had to say.

If you want to soar in life, you must learn to

F.L.Y (First Love Yourself)

I realized at that moment that I had lost myself along the way. I had stopped loving myself, the reason for all my woes. The divorce wasn’t my fault, the aftermath painful but it had nothing to do with me. I was not the reason for the pain and suffering. It was thrown in front of me and I had to deal with it. Through it all, I put myself in the background and I learned to crawl. So here I am standing on the cliff again and staring into the abyss before me. One step forward will take me into the unknown, the uncomfortable, into the midst of terror and then I hear a voice say, “Oh, my darling, but what if you fly?”

“You were born with potential.

You were born with goodness and trust.

You were born with ideals and dreams.

You were born with greatness.

You were born with wings.

You are not meant for crawling, so don’t.

You have wings.

Learn to use them and fly. (Rumi)

Here I go.…….

Update:

I wrote this article last year. Where am I now? I’ve made some inroads but there is miles to go before I rest. I am learning, accepting, letting go and moving on. A process that is never ending it seems but I’m hoping that when I reach my goal or journey’s end, I am where I want to be. It takes courage, strength and believing that there is a better out there.

Have an amazing day.

LET IT GO

“One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to let go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal, it doesn’t matter, it is hard and that is a fact. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” Unknown

Letting go has always been hard for me. I tend to take things that have happened with or without my permission and I play around with it until it becomes a different scenario from where it started from. Suddenly that little problem becomes all-consuming and my life comes to a halt and my focus is riveted to that one little spot. It’s as if I am churning a cauldron and saying as the witches in Macbeth did, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble!” I have trouble saying, it is done. It has happened. I can’t go back and change anything even if I wished I could. So just breathe a sigh of relief and LET IT GO but I am learning.

Something happened yesterday. It was small compared to all the big things out there. Somehow I let it get inside me. I stirred it up and soon it was a major problem BUT only in my mind. As I stood watching the sun go down in a blaze of glory, I realized that I had let a beautiful day go to waste simply because I had been caught in a web of my own making. Things do happen and it is not your fault or mine but it is how we deal with it that differentiates whether we come out on top or get stuck at the bottom. Take a deep breath, feel the weight fly off your shoulders and your feet get a little lighter as you watch it, whatever it is, dissipate into the distance and into nothingness. It is not worth it. LET IT GO.

We hold onto relationships that are not good for us but still we hold on simply for the sake of holding on when you know deep inside that this is not what you want but letting go is not an option. It would hurt too much or you’ll find yourself alone or you’ve invested too much time and energy in it or you make up some story in your head that you can’t live without him or her and it goes on and on. If truth be told, you know that letting go and moving on is the best option because it is not working and you want better. LET IT GO. You’ll be alright.

I love holding onto people, problems and just about anything. Some days I play things over in my mind and say, if only this and if only that. I am learning that playing around with it in my head is only hurting me and it is not going to change things. You can’t change the past and it is over so let it rest. You have bigger and better things to do. LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. Be at peace and move on.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” Unknown

AND

“Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.” Unknown

AND

“Overthinking will destroy your mood. Breathe and let go.” @SelfSaid

The last one was for me simply because I overthink everything! So I’m going to breathe and LET IT GO. Not easy but worth a try.

LET IT GO, MOVE ON, YOU’LL BE FINE.

Have an amazing day.

ALL THAT BAGGAGE

A soft reminder:

“not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry.” Unknown

“Leave your baggage where it belongs. In the past. It has no place in your future.” Unknown

“We all have baggage but there comes a time when you realize it’s time to UNPACK.” Unknown

Here are some examples of emotional baggage:

I’ll never be good enough.

I don’t deserve good things.

Everyone will leave me.

I am angry.

I will never forgive.

I can’t escape my past.

Nobody cares about me!

I hate my life!

I can’t move forward.

I failed.

This is as good as it gets.

Recognize any of them? I DO.

The truth is:

“Emotional baggage is heavy, and it’s way too expensive to keep dragging along to all the places that life wants to take you.” Unknown

AND

“Misery might love company but so does joy, and joy throws much better parties.” Billy Joey