parenting – Site Title

Less Heavy-Handedness

My parents were hands-on when it came to raising a child. There was strict discipline, no talking back, do as we say, no bucking the rules, and definitely no DISRESPECT!

It was tough growing up in such a household because at times I wanted to spew like a volcano and let them know that I wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. However, I kept it all inside and had to find other avenues of letting my frustrations out. Running wild in the woods was one such way.

I’m not saying they were bad parents, probably the opposite. However, they took discipline to a new level and it wasn’t to my liking. The thing I do differently is to raise my child with less discipline and more understanding. I also tell him that I love him everyday. My parents forgot that part in the hectic and chaotic world of raising a brood! I wanted to hear those words badly but they just went about it a different way. As a parent, I want my child to know that he is loved unconditionally, no guessing games involved.

Discipline is hard here in Germany. The child raising model is different.They emphasize, “independence, self-reliance, and social integration.” All fine and good but discipline is sorely lacking and respect, well, it is right up there with discipline. My neighbor’s kid used to call or rather scream his mother’s first name when he needed help. It shocked me at first but different strokes for different folks I suppose.

Mine was never allowed to do that. I doled out disciplinary measures and my ex, a German, didn’t agree. Time-out when the child was acting up was cruel and inhuman punishment, according to him. I had to navigate both sides, but I must say that I’ve raised a good boy. He is a young adult now and doing well on his own. He knows he is loved and he is independent starting to travel the world because his job requires it.

I’ve learned to let him go although the “helicopter rotor blades” are ready to take off any minute if needed! I am still there to talk with if he needs that support, I let him have his say, and anything he wants to tell me, I am there for him with a listening ear and a warm embrace.

Those are the things I do differently and I think it has worked well so far. Respect is still hard because at times he kicks up his heels and at those times, I give him space. Sometimes I get a sorry but seldom and that is okay too. I am standing on the sidelines now watching him take off and I wish him well.

I’m still here if he needs me.

Daily writing prompt

What’s something you do completely differently from how you were raised?

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The Most Confident Person I Know

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This is a hard one and this early in the morning? My mind is doing a scramble to unravel that mystery because I’ve known many people in my life who seemed very confident and had a handle on this thing called life.

If I had to narrow it down to one person, I would say it was my mom. She is no longer here but her presence remains and is a constant reminder that I can do all things as she did in her life. She was a petite person but a giant when it came to raising her children. Some would call her an “helicopter mom” because her life was based around us and she was constantly looking out for us but when it came to parenting, she was a one woman parenting machine! I take many of my cues from her when it comes to my son and the questions he has. She had answers to every question and believe me there were many many questions!

Part of that parenting system didn’t cater to a rambunctious young girl because I wanted things my way but she stood her ground. She stood up to adversity like a pro and challenges were just that, something to be conquered or handled and that was it. No berating herself like I do. I remember her standing tall even at the worst times in her life and even when her life came to an end because someone chose to end it, she put up a fight. She was and is, the most confident person I know and have known. She had faith in herself and in God and these two things combined together were an unbeatable team. I am confident but nowhere close to where she was but I am learning to embrace my own strength and I see confidence in how I handle things as well. Perhaps the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say.

Helicopter Whirring!

A friend sent me an article yesterday and it irritated me to no end! I felt my hackles rise but honestly, there was some truth to the article and later, much later, I realized that maybe, just maybe I was one of them.

LET’S DEFINE HELICOPTER PARENTING

“A term for parents who hover over their kids, always ready to swoop in and solve every problem. They’re over-attentive and overly fearful of their child’s experiences and challenges.”

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

I was and still am overly-protective of the little guy although he is not so little anymore. Divorce and being a single mom threw my world, my regimented world, into one that could only be described as helter-skelter! Trying to find order where there was none was a big problem. Learning to swim again after being thrown in the deep end of the pool was next to impossible and bring “parenting” into such a situation and you’ve got “helicopter parenting” in the making, in my case anyway. I wanted to protect him from the pain, the anger, the confusion, the despair and a whole host of other emotions that I couldn’t control but I could make it easier with the love I showered on him. Bring fear of the unknown into the picture and I was “warrior mom” ready to go up against anyone who so much as sneezed in his direction! However, it didn’t stop me from teaching him what is right and wrong, to stand up for himself, and to be a good and decent human being.

He has been on his own for the last five or six years, studying and taking care of things on his own. I have been there every step of the way but from a distance! It was HARD but I made it somehow. Last year, he finished up with a better than average grade and I couldn’t have been prouder. Then came the tedious task of looking for a job and never having worked a day in his life made it harder still. He took it all in stride and landed two jobs. The first one paid well but involved travel and lots of stress! He opted for the second one at a five-star hotel. He made his choice and he has been working at the hotel for two months now. Just recently, there was an incident involving a guest high on drugs and in possession of a gun! The old me screamed with fear within but I listened as he talked. It turned out that he handled it like a pro!

Early this morning, the phone rang. It was 1:30 a.m. and I knew it couldn’t be anything good. Sure enough, he said, “I’ve locked myself out of the apartment!” I gulped and the old “helicopter mom” would have asked, “How can I help?’ Instead, I let him talk. He explained he had called the building superintendent and he was on the way. Half an hour later, he was back in his apartment.

“I think that instead of helicoptering our kids, we should be strapping some parachutes on their backs made out of things like common sense, kindness, and courage.

Then we should teach them to jump.” Unknown

And be ready to catch them if the parachute fails!

Honestly, I think I did a good job of raising this young man. Sure, there are things I could have done better but he’s on his way and that is all that matters. Next week, he has his second interview after acing the first one. This could be his forever job. Fingers and toes crossed AND I’m leaving the “helicopter” in the cupboard like the friend asked me too!

The Most Confident Person I Know

A Proud Mom

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” Nishan Panwar

My son asked me recently, “Mom why do you still worry about me? I’ve been on my own for some time now.”

It’s true. He moved away to finish his studies and has been on his own and managing whatever he needed to do single-handedly.

My answer to that question: “I’ll always worry about you no matter how old you get.”

He is now on the cusp of starting another chapter in his life. Studies are over and his first job is waiting on the horizon. It means moving to wherever the job is and starting out with no safety net beneath him. It also means learning to fly on his own and to take care of whatever comes his way. I know he is fully capable of doing the unknown. He showed us recently just how capable he is. There were days of uncertainty and not knowing which way to go. How to get started when “no job experience” was staring him in the face. Most of all he was afraid of taking that all important step of cutting ties with two people who had always been there for him. Just like the baby bird learning to fly he had to move slowly but move he must. There was no other way.

He got rejections that is part and parcel of the process. Shaking it off like water off a duck’s back wasn’t easy but he did it. Suddenly he got his first job interview. It was nerve-wracking but he handled it well. The job was his if he wanted it! However, it wasn’t what he wanted although it paid well. His reply, “I’m not that type,” meaning the job demanded more than what he was willing to put in. He knew himself well. It was off to another job interview. He made it through with flying colors and was offered a two day trial period. He slayed the dragon! The second and final interview was yesterday. He went there like a lamb to the slaughter only to find that he had landed the job! He has his first job in the bag. Looming on the horizon is another job interview, this one could be the “forever” job. The interview date is set and he will show up for it. It will take him further away and I told myself I couldn’t handle the distance but I know and he knows that we’ve handled much more than distance in our lives. We will somehow handle this too.

The little boy whose hands I held as a young child is getting ready to take life by the horns and he is getting ready to go it alone. Part of me can’t believe this is happening and the other part is learning to let him go, to let him fly, to go where he needs to and to live life to the fullest. I am so proud of him although I still see him as the little boy he was, not this grown-up young man as he is now. I will still be the wind beneath his wings and I will cheer him on from the sidelines as I have done all these years. He knows I am his ally and his staunchest supporter and that will never change but my voice will be quieter now as he learns to listen to his own.

Just one little bit of advice. I’ll pass it on to you as my mom did a long time ago when I was getting ready to fly. She said, “If you fall down, stand back up, dust yourself off and keep on moving.” Words of wisdom that has stood the test of time in my life. Always remember failure is not an option. You are built to succeed and you will, come hell or high water. One more thing, YOU CAN DO THIS!

I wish you well my son, I am so proud of you.