LOL!

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A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back to the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Yup that will do it!

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A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

I bet he’s missing too!

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Have a day filled with laughter.

LOL! (7)

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English For Both Sexes

The Man’s Guide to Female English

We need = I want

Do what you want = You’ll pay for it later.

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

Is my b**t fat? = Be careful here. Tell her she’s beautiful no matter what!

The Woman’s Guide to Male English...

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex now?

I love you = Let’s have sex now.

Let’s talk = I’m trying to impress you then maybe you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.

Do you see a trend here? Men!!

LOL! (4)

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It’s the start of another brand new week and what better way to get it going than with a bit of laughter. I found the jokes below hilarious and it certainly tickled my funny bone! Hope it lightens the load.

When women fall ill:

“It’s ok. I’m just a little tired.”

When men fall ill:

“Listen to me carefully woman, these are my last words.”

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Men used to say, “Why marry the cow when the milk is free?”

Ladies, these days I think the real question is: “Why take home the whole pig when all you want is a bit of sausage?”

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One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this, it usually smells nice.”

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A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”

The wife responds: “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks: “Will you marry after I die?”

Husband: “No, I will also live with your sister.”

Guess who died first!!!

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I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date!

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A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning.

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.”

Five minutes later

Wife: “Computer really messed up now.”

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Have an amazing day.

LOL! (2)

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Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?

Woman: Yes because we have to repeat everything!

Man: What?

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The Woman’s Guide To Love AND Lasting Relationships

Find a man who makes you laugh.

Find a man who has a good job and can cook.

Find a man who is honest.

Find a man who will pamper you and give you gifts.

Find a man who is awesome in the bedroom.

Most of all it is very important that these five men never meet!

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Nurse: The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.

Husband: What did she say?

Wife: They want your underwear.

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A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…..oh sorry……that’s wine……wine does that.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mentioned it.

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What women think of their a**:

10% think it is too small.

30% think it is too big.

AND

60% said they love it and wouldn’t trade HIM for anything!

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Ladies, have you ever noticed that all your problems start with Men?

MEN-opause

MEN-strual cramps

MEN-tal illness

MEN-tal breakdown

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Have a great day.

Laughter is the Best Medicine (Archives)

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Experts say “that laughter might raise the pain threshold and improve glucose tolerance, have positive effects on the immune system, and lower blood pressure.” Furthermore, “it enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.”

However, humor can’t cure all ailments but according to the mayoclinic.org, it has the ability to stimulate many organs, it helps to activate and relieve your stress response and it can soothe tension. These are just some short-term effects. The long-term effects can improve your immune system, help to relieve pain by releasing natural pain killers, increase personal satisfaction and improve the mood.

A daily dose of laughter can do wonders it seems. So here are a few jokes to get you started.

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?

Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Police Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.

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Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel..” The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

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You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and your answer, “I can’t do both.”

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Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”

Patient: “Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.”

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When a wife says, “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Instead, stand still and do not even blink.

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And now for all the single men out there.

Dear Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you discuss with your wife, always get the last two words right. ”Yes, dear.”

Feel better? I am feeling much better.