Pain – Site Title

This Thing Called Love (5) Archives

There was a darkness within her,

A storm behind her eyes,

She was complicated,

But simple,

Brave,

But terrified.

She had the heart of a mighty lion,

But deep inside she cried,

Her face was full of beauty,

Her head was full of lies,

And although the outside was pretty,

She was dead and empty inside.

Julie Addicott

Recognize her? I do. I was like her, one of the “walking dead.” We walk the earth as living, breathing human beings but inside, we are dead as a doornail. We are the ones who can’t let go and the ones who hold on to a past that had us in its grip in more ways than one. The ones who believed that love was forever and when it broke apart, we died inside.

I was that person. My eyes smiled but the inside was a cold and barren place. There was an iciness that no fire could thaw and no love could set ablaze. It was done and I moved slowly taking each day as it came, the guardian of a heart that no longer beat even though it was alive.

It took some time, a long time before I felt the thaw. Life was slowly being breathed back into me again. I don’t know what changed, I only know that I wasn’t afraid to embrace the unknown and I was ready to move forward, slowly but surely.

Then he walked in. We clicked immediately. My insides screamed that I knew him and I knew him well. I put it down to the similar experiences we had shared. He was a world traveler and we could talk for hours about a lot of things. Or could it be the gentle way he looked at me or even the way his hand would reach for mine when I wasn’t expecting it. Sometimes he would reach out and stroke my cheek or even the way we could sit for hours side by side without saying a word but feeling at home there. There was something about him that tugged at my heart. Could it be that he was hiding secrets my heart didn’t see? It was a dance of getting close, and moving apart. It was lovely, chaotic and beautiful all rolled into one. Those feelings I had left behind were front and center again and after having been in the desert of nothingness, I was coming alive with him by my side.

Then one day, he said those words. The ones that made my heart skip a beat. “I LOVE YOU.” It wasn’t said in haste or as an afterthought and it seemed genuine enough but the next day, I would know why he had seemed familiar. He was one of the “walking dead.” When he realized that the feelings he had let die was now taking hold, he ran. I was ready but he wasn’t. We would carry on this dance of reaching out and pulling back, of wanting more but we knew that it was a fire that could sear if we let it burn. We went our separate ways only to return time after time. “We always keep coming back to each other and you’ve always been the one.” Those were his words.

A few weeks ago, he called and we talked, strangers once again. “I need to figure this out,” he said, his voice tinged with confusion. I understood it well. I had been there not too long ago. When he uttered those three little words, I knew that it would be just a matter of time before he would run in a different direction, one that didn’t involve feelings, this much thinking and one that wouldn’t include me. Love is scary when you’ve experienced the destruction it can bring.

I have a tendency to excuse bad behavior and this was more than that. He was unavailable and instead of staying in his lane, he crossed over. Luckily, I had been on my journey of self-discovery for some time and even though it hurt, it didn’t destroy me because I was emerging as a much stronger person than where I had started from.

This thing called love wears many faces and sometimes it hurts like hell. It is also not a, “one size fits all” kind of thing. It has its quirks, it has its ways and sometimes just when you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, it pulls the rug from under you. There’s no rhyme or reason for why this happens and there are no guarantees. Perhaps, it’s because some of us love too hard and go all in only to find that when love leaves with no goodbyes, we die a sudden death, one that leaves you breathing but dead inside.

Sad but this too is a thing called love.

This Thing Called Love (5)

There was a darkness within her,

A storm behind her eyes,

She was complicated,

But simple,

Brave,

But terrified.

She had the heart of a mighty lion,

But deep inside she cried,

Her face was full of beauty,

Her head was full of lies,

And although the outside was pretty,

She was dead and empty inside.

Julie Addicott

This thing called love wears many faces and sometimes it hurts like hell. It is also not a, “one size fits all” kind of thing. It has its quirks, it has its ways and sometimes just when you think you’ve found what you’re looking for, it pulls the rug from under you. There’s no rhyme or reason for why this happens and there are no guarantees. Perhaps, it’s because some of us love too hard and go all in only to find that when it leaves with no goodbyes, we die a sudden death, one that leaves you breathing but dead inside.

Sad but this too is a thing called love.

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one touched a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear, she let go of the judgments. She let go of the opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go…….

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

Racist Cruelty (Archives)

Update:

I wrote this piece in 2024 and since then the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have made it to the 7th year of marital bliss, against all odds I might add. If the haters could have their way, it would be done and dusted by now. They want to believe that it’s all a sham and they couldn’t possibly be happy. The latest tirade against the couple is nothing short of horrific. This time it is not just coming from across the pond but from this side of the pond and the charge is being led by right-wing pundit Meghan Kelly. Her recent attack on her podcast bordered on the unthinkable. It was like she had venom oozing out of her every pore! She called the Duchess of Sussex a “malignant narcissist,” among other insults and accusations which begs the question, “What is your problem Meghan Kelly?” Envy? Jealousy? An all out mean streak? Most of these attacks have racist undertones as are those aimed at the couple from all directions. It is cruel, it is nasty and racism is well and doing just fine!

Photo by Monstera Production on Pexels.com

“Racism is abhorrent and ugly, and it plaques our world.

We must reject and condemn it without reservation, without hesitation, without qualification, every time and everywhere.” Antonio Guterres

Once there was a boy and a girl who fell in love and got married. The boy happened to be a prince and the girl, well, she was of mixed-race.

The beginning was fairytale-like. Cinderella got her prince so to speak BUT then the evil forces gathered and worked tirelessly behind the scenes to rip asunder what could only be described as a beautiful love story.

Soon the girl was talking about taking her own life so the prince decided to give up his kingdom for the love of the girl. They moved faraway to quiet the storm and to get away from the evil clutches of the ugly people. Race mattered and the boy and girl had broken the sacred code. Mixed race was a no go as far as the kingdom was concerned. Blue blood was the only way to go as far as the racists were concerned.

They gathered forces and screamed out with all their might. Within this circle were the press corp, TV personalities, members of the Royal family and those that hid within their bedrooms equipped with a TV and a microphone. They spewed their message of hate for no other reason than pure hatred. The girl was portrayed as the ‘witch’ who stole the prince. Nothing she did could quiet the rage she had unknowingly unleashed simply because she had dared to cross the line and had fallen in love with the young prince. Love, in this case, didn’t matter.

The boy and girl were faraway across the pond by now but the ugliness followed them. Every move was met with furore of the worst kind. They had two children, a beautiful boy and a girl, but nothing could stop the storm of hate. The beautiful girl was now a symbol of hatred. If they could have, they would have screamed, “Off with her head!” as in the old days and watched with glee as their symbol of hate was put to rest mercilessly.

Racism and hate go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. However, racism is not a thing of the past. It is doing well with the haters stoking its fires to keep it burning brightly. How potent is it? In this case, it is enough to destroy a beautiful love story, enough to bring a beautiful girl to her knees and maybe even enough to destroy a marriage all done in the name of racism, nothing more, nothing less.

This is a sad story. Rumors are that the boy and girl are having a hard time and the racists are beating their drums with glee and thumping their chests at their handiwork. I hope the Duke and Duchess of Sussex survive the ordeal they have been put through and go on to live a long and happy life. Racism is ugly beyond words but the fact that it is thriving so blatantly speaks volumes.

“Sometimes racism takes the form of ugly words and actions. Other times it remains unspoken, communicated by hostile looks and secret snickers. But the most corrosive form, and often the hardest to address, is not being seen at all.” Kwame Onwuachi

Ghosting

I’m not talking about the spooky variety that scares the hell out of you but the kind that is mean and done to do damage. I’m talking about “Ghosting” which is prevalent in today’s digital age and which is meant to hurt in a sinister way.

It is defined as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Have you experienced this form of communication or rather “no communication” to be more precise? It hurts doesn’t it? The problem is, it was meant to hurt you. It is a heartbreaking reality in today’s world and it has the potential to shatter your self-esteem, grip at your insides and even though it is an act, a non-thinking and cowardly one, the pain is akin to that of the physical variety.

Gentleman’s Rule #10:

If you can’t handle what she brings to the table, or if she’s not the woman for you, leave the table like a gentleman. Don’t ghost, ghosting is for insecure shit-heads. The fact that we have a word for this behavior says more about men, than women.” onefemalecanuck.com

According to some mental professionals, ghosting can be classified as a form of emotional cruelty and it is. It causes emotional distress, sadness, despair, anger and a whole host of other emotions. Ghosting is a sign that the perpetrator of this act has poor communication skills, is immature and disrespectful of your feelings because being “ghosted” can leave an unwanted imprint on the “ghostee” the person being ghosted.

“Ghosting doesn’t work on me, I don’t care if we never speak again.” Unknown

Easier said than done? Here are some tips on how to recover from being ghosted according to drtracyhutchison.com

Realize that no response is a response.

Try not to take it personally.

Use mindfulness and self-compassion to heal.

Set boundaries.

Move on.

If all else fails, do this:

“When someone ghosts you, respect the dead and MOVE ON!” Unknown

Have an amazing day.

Somewhere in Heaven

I took that walk again, the one I do almost everyday. It has become a ritual but somehow today I was in a somber mood and the weather decided to fit in perfectly. It was dark and gloomy but I paid it no mind as today was not about the weather.

Looking past the apple trees and to the left, a short distance away is the village graveyard. Has it been three years already? It seems like only yesterday when you were laid to rest there with very little pomp and circumstance. Just a few friends gathered to say their goodbyes and some bouquets were laid on the ground where your tombstone would be. Your life on earth was done and you had or were moving on.

“Sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the old days and press pause……just for a little while.” Unknown

I wondered what I would say to you if I had that chance. I would say come walk with me as we used to. Those walks were peaceful and beautiful. More than that, I would say that I am sorry that I don’t think of you everyday as I did in the beginning. Life has a way of fading memories perhaps to numb the pain.

You were my best friend and you always had my back. Today as I walked I heard your voice say, “Hi Lovely.” Right after that, I saw you for just a minute as you were. You were a tall man with reddish blond hair and green eyes that always seemed to have a warmth about them. I saw that smile and my heart caught in my throat. I remember you well.

I don’t talk to you like you wanted me too but you are never far from my mind. Your presence is waning too, you were always there in the beginning. I think you have moved on to where you needed to go. Heaven must be a beautiful place and you probably have your wings now but I think you always had those wings. You were my angel and you showed me how to fly again. I wish I had known that your time on earth would be so short but I guess ‘angels’ never stay for long. Thank you for sharing those wings with me, for that I will always be thankful.

I am thankful for the love you showed me, the support you gave so willingly and for all the laughter and talks we shared. The big bear hugs were warm and comforting and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you cared about my heart and more than anything there was kindness there in your person. Again, I thank you for all you did for me. You took someone who was broken after the divorce and made her whole again. No, I don’t think of you everyday but you will always and forever be in my heart.

Love Always and Forever

I MISS YOU

The Serial Cheater

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

There are cheaters and there are cheaters! What’s the difference? According to choosingtherapy.com, “Not every person who cheats once will cheat again. However, serial cheaters are people who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity.”

Cheating is NOT a mistake.

“If you’re truly in love with someone, you will not be able to kiss someone else without tasting your loved ones tears strain your lips. You will not be able to take your clothes off for someone else without feeling like a field ripped bare to its soil. Cheating is a choice. It’s a choice you made because you obviously didn’t give a single f**k about your relationship.” Unknown

Serial cheaters are repeat offenders. They don’t give a flying flip about the person they are cheating on. They can look you in the eye and lie through their teeth. If you’re questioning if your partner is cheating on you, you probably have good cause to feel that way. Cheaters are adapt at hiding what they’ve been doing but there is always a giveaway in more ways than one. They, the serial cheater, will stand on his head and tell you your imagination is running wild but if he takes off and there are long silences OR if he calls to say, “Hi!” and is gone again, it’s his guilty conscience acting up although some serial cheaters have done it so many times that they just move to fresher pasture if caught in the act.

“When you fully trust someone without any doubt, you finally get one of two results! A person for life or a lesson for life.” Unknown

Pay attention and choose the right one before it’s too late. What about remorse? Unfortunately, serial cheaters have little of this commodity. Empathy might take the form of a few tears but believe me, they are convinced that there are many more fish in the water. You are better off throwing them back in the pond where you found them. The “dirty pond” teeming with tainted men and women who are more their kind.

“Only desperate women go after someone else’s man.” Unknown

Yes, it definitely hurts to move on but after gaining some experience of the unsavory kind, you’ll be glad to give them to whoever wants them. Life is too short for staying in mistakes, there are good men out there who will want a good woman. It may not feel that way at first but the first step is to walk away. All the rest will fall in place. I told a guy once that I couldn’t find myself in bed with him after he had been with someone else! The “Ekel factor” would be too much to bear. So it is “Adios Muchachos” for me!

It might be different for you. Choose wisely and walk tall. The man of your dreams is around the corner, keep your eyes peeled and soon he might just walk in.