funny – Page 4 – Site Title

LOL!

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over,”Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks again. “Nope.” Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “notice anything different?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie?” It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!” Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”

The same couple with a LOT of time on their hands!

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“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, “the divorce court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

😂😂😂

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Once a month, women go completely crazy for about 30 days.

Get it? Looks like someone who knows women well!

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A man was waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his bed. He opened his eyes and said, “You’re beautiful. Then he fell asleep again.

Later he woke up again and said, “You’re cute.” His wife responded, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

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LOL!

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office.

“Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:

“Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut. Two with wieners. One without!”

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Relationship Arithmetic:

Smart man + smart woman = romance.

Smart man + dumb woman = affair.

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

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Guess I should go back to writing something productive?

LOL!

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid–who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he’s recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I.Q.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider. The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” the mermaid says, “you don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”

And he turns into a woman.

I absolutely LOVED this one! My ex is a physicist by the way, I wonder what he thought about this one. I’ve been looking for that frog that grants wishes but I guess this mermaid will do just fine!

LOL! (4)

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

It’s the start of another brand new week and what better way to get it going than with a bit of laughter. I found the jokes below hilarious and it certainly tickled my funny bone! Hope it lightens the load.

When women fall ill:

“It’s ok. I’m just a little tired.”

When men fall ill:

“Listen to me carefully woman, these are my last words.”

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Men used to say, “Why marry the cow when the milk is free?”

Ladies, these days I think the real question is: “Why take home the whole pig when all you want is a bit of sausage?”

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One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this, it usually smells nice.”

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A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”

The wife responds: “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks: “Will you marry after I die?”

Husband: “No, I will also live with your sister.”

Guess who died first!!!

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I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date!

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A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning.

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.”

Five minutes later

Wife: “Computer really messed up now.”

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Have an amazing day.

What If….

I’m not sure how or why I got into this “what if” mood. Perhaps it’s because it’s been raining all day and I had nothing better to do. I was coming up with hypothetical situations and really enjoying them until I decided to see what other people had to say. Seems like lots of people have the same preoccupation with the “what if” scenarios. I found some good ones. Enjoy.

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.” Woody Allen

Nutrition labels should include an, “What if I ate the whole thing” section. Unknown

I totally agree, I have a cheesecake fetish and I try not to but what if….

“What if common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” Unknown

“What if you are in hell and you’re mad at someone where do you tell them to go.” Unknown

“What if there was no Google? Good question….I’ll have to Google it.” Unknown

That’s my worst case scenario! They call me the Google Queen!

“So what if you fail? At least you’ll know what not to do when you try again.” Venus Williams

I like this one. Try and try again is my motto too.

“What if instead of focusing on what you don’t have, you concentrate on what you’ve got?” Jodi Picoult

Not that easy I say.

“Ask yourself: If I can’t avoid it, change it, or make it go away, what if I changed my response to it? What if I decided to stop letting it bother me?” Al Siebert

“What if someone gave a war and Nobody came?” Allen Ginsberg

That would be Trump’s worst nightmare!

“What if I’m a Princess on another planet? And no one on this planet knows it.” Candace Bushnell

Probably why they never treat me like a princess here!

“What if God exists except it turns out he doesn’t really like people very much?” Douglas Coupland

We’d be in trouble!

“But what if music is what escapes when a heart breaks?” Unknown

Hmm….I’ve heard that music once or twice.

“The end justifies the means. But what if there never is an end? All we have is means.” Ursula K. Le Guin

Oops! Houston we have a problem!

“What if I slept a little more and forgot about all this nonsense.” Franz Kafka

“I’d say you’ve made a perfect end to the “what if” saga!