funny – Page 3 – Site Title

LOL!

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Three women went to Mexico one night, had too much to drink, and woke up the next morning in jail. They were told they would be executed, but none of them could remember what they had done wrong.

The first woman, who had red hair, was strapped into the electric chair. When asked if she had any last words, she said, “I went to Grace University, and I believe that God will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch, but nothing happened.

Everyone around dropped to their knees, begged for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Next, the second woman, a brunette, was put in the chair. She said, “I went to the Creighton School of Law, and I believe that justice will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch again, and once more, nothing happened.

Again, the people fell to their knees, asked for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Finally, the last woman, a blonde, was brought in and strapped into the chair. She said, “I graduated from the University of Alabama in Huntsville with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I can tell you right now, this thing isn’t going to work unless you plug it in!”

😂😂😂

LOL!

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Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked at the biggest one in the face, and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word.

His buddies were confused, because he was a badass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing.

His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder, and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

LOL!

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before….But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer…..the husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

😉😉😉😉

LOL!

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My wife sent me a sweet text that read,

“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”

“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”

“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied,

“I’m on the toilet, please advice.”

Newlyweds?

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It finally happened! The flight attendant asked, “Is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said, “Yes!”

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000 ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.!

The man has ambition! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”

He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.

“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”

When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:

“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

BOOM!

LOL!

A man bought a Mercedes and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive to see what she could do so he decided to open her up. As the needle went pass 90 mph he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Mercedes he rapidly speeded up to 100, then 110 and finally to 120 with the flashing lights still behind him. Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over. After a minute or two, a big grumpy state trooper came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration said, “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”

The man said, “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

What do you think? Good enough excuse? I would have let him go!

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”

One smart cookie!

LOL!

Husband: “Shall we try a different position tonight?”

Wife: “That’s a good idea. Why don’t you stand by the sink and do the dishes, and I’ll sit on the sofa and watch TV?”

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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth,” even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

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A wife asked her car enthusiast husband what he wanted for Christmas. He replies, “Something that goes from zero to 220 in three seconds.”

On Christmas, he unwrapped a bathroom scale.

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A wife told her husband, “Go out and get something that makes me look sexy.”

He went out and came back drunk.

How do you think that went?

LOL!

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Becky,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, shhh don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I…..I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confress,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no…I must die in peace. Becky….I….slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

“I know…” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

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John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well, how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No, thanks.”

“Well, what would you like for your anniversary?” John asks.

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

“Sorry, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” says John.

Hmm……

LOL!

Time for laughter again!

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Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’s lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t @&%x think so!”

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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During a first date a man and a woman were telling each other about their pasts. The man said, “A genie once gave me the option of becoming more attractive to women, or having an exceptional memory.”

“Which one did you choose?” the woman asked.

He replied, “I don’t remember.”

Just like a man!

Have an amazing day.