Tag: humor

LOL!

Photo by Nashua Volquez-Young on Pexels.com

A man to the psychiatrist:

“What are the admission requirements at your psychiatric hospital?”

Psychiatrist: “We fill a bathtub with water and then provide a spoon, a cup, and a bucket. Then we tell the person to empty the bathtub.”

Man: “Ah, I see. A normal person would take a bucket.”

Psychiatrist: “No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like your room with or without a balcony?”

I wanted to say……well, never mind!

*************************************************************

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

“Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said…

“Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well,” said Mr. Johnson. “I was looking over your test and the question was,

“Who was the first president?” and the little girl who sits next to you, Mary, put “George Washington,” and so did you.

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who freed the slaves?”

Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?”

Mary put, “I don’t know,” and you put, “Me neither.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL! (Archives)

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It has been said that laughter is good for you. According to the MayoClinic people, it can: “Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Activate and relieve your stress response.”

That said, it lifts up your face, puts a happy smile on your whole being and on days like today when nothing much is happening and it is cloudy and windy outside, it helps to bump up your mood.

Here are some quotes to get you laughing and put a smile on your face as it did on mine.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Woman’s Day

*************************************************************

“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” Unknown

By the way I feel like that all the time!

*************************************************************

“Life is not a fairytale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, YOU’RE DRUNK.” Unknown

Probably from some poor girl who didn’t get her guy!

*************************************************************

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!: Charlie Brown

Yup that’s me right there!

*************************************************************

Dear life, when I said, “can my day get any worse It was a rhetorical question not a challenge.” Unknown

*************************************************************

“The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” Sophie Monroe

*************************************************************

“I am yours, no refunds.” Unknown

This one is scary! You mean I can’t return you and get a better model?!!

*************************************************************

“Love is a lot like gas, if you have to force it, it’s probably sh**!” Stephen K. Amos

And with that, have a great day.

LOL!

Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Curtis and Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, We shore can! We don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They say, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the fella who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Bailout and Stimulus Programs.

🤣🤣🤣

I’m dying to say something but I’ll keep my mouth shut!

LOL!

Photo by Matthias Cooper on Pexels.com

A wife told her husband, “Go out and get something that makes me look sexy.”

He went out and came back drunk!

How does that song go? “The Girls Get Prettier at Closing Time?”

**********************************************************

A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”

He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married!”

LOL!

Nothing against blondes but I thought this was hilarious.

Photo by Alessio Cesario on Pexels.com

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy. I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news.”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.

I knew that she had been trying for awhile and told her I thought it was great and that I couldn’t be happier for her.

She said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.”

Amazed at how fast she could know that so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, “I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy test in a twin pack. Both tests came out positive!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

At an International Medical Conference:

A British doctor brags to colleagues: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man’s backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work.”

The German surgeon replies: “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work.”

The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job.”

The American doctor sighs, saying: “You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight as our President!”

YUP! Nothing more needs to be said!

LOL!

Photo by Lisa from Pexels on Pexels.com

Two old men are sitting in a bar. One of them looks at the other and says: “You look familiar. Where you from?”

The second old man replies, “Ireland.”

The first old man looks astonished and says, “No way. I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world.”

The second old man then looks at the first, “What city?”

The first old man says, “Dublin.”

The second old man looks astonished. “No way, I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”

The first old man looks at the second old man, “What school you go to?”

The second old man replies, “Saint Mary’s class of 89.”

The first old man is absolutely baffled. “NO WAY! Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”

At this point, another man comes into the bar and says to the bartender. “Hey Joe! Anything interesting going on?”

The bartender says, “Not really….but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

😀😀😀

LOL!

Photo by Calwyn Ace on Pexels.com

Obama vs. Trump

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel!” The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama?” Barack replied, “Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”

BAM!

*************************************************************

I picked up a hitchhiker. The man got in my car and said, “Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?”

I said, “I don’t know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.”

Oops! Think he survived?

LOL!

Photo by Christopher Welsch Leveroni on Pexels.com

My wife sent me a sweet text that read,

“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”

“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”

“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied,

“I’m on the toilet, please advice.”

Newlyweds?

***************************************************

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked, “Is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said, “Yes!”

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000 ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.!

The man has ambition! 🤣🤣🤣