Mental health – Page 27

ANGER

A wise man was asked what is anger? He gave a beautiful answer. It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.”

I know that anger has been a constant companion in my life for the last several years. It is a powerful emotion that comes easily when something doesn’t go right or when there is a feeling that someone has done you wrong. Sometimes it motivates you to do better, to let go and move on but at other times there is this other variety that grabs hold and refuses to let go. Fortunately, mine has been of the milder version, it grabs hold, I let it boil for a while and then it subsides and I find ways to deal with it. I have heard some people say that they don’t let anger get the best of them but I say, I DON’T believe you! It is a natural emotion and if you’re human, it is going to affect you one way or another.

A girlfriend once told me that when she gets angry, she gets totally bent out of shape. Her idea of letting out steam was to stick needles in a voodoo doll hoping that her ex-husband’s new girlfriend would feel it from here and to the heavens and back! Whatever floats your boat. Would you call that rage? Perhaps, it is also an emotion that needs reeling in before it becomes something else.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

Today has not been a good day. It is a beautiful spring day but the news I got was anything but. My first response was to feel angry and to ask WHY? It went downhill from there. I decided to take a walk to clear my mind and to come up with solutions to my problem. I walked out the front door, turned the corner to head to the open fields and lo and behold, the road was under construction and filled with cranes, men and noise! I felt the anger slowly rising not that it needed much help at this point. I was looking to vent and I just needed an excuse to let it all out.

I kept on walking and soon I was out in the open leaving the chaos behind me. The sky was a perfect blue, the grass a glorious green and to add to the serene picture several rabbits were out in the open and chasing each other and I felt myself deflate. The slow simmer was back to normal and I walked taking in nature’s antidote to anger. I was slowly returning to normal.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” Thomas Jefferson

Or take a walk as I did and let nature help you to see the bigger picture and get you out of the tunnel vision which has the tendency to draw you into the depths of despair.

Deep breathing, meditating, working out, getting into your Zen-Zone can all help to dissipate anger. However, anger is a natural emotion, let it play out or reel it in but don’t let it get out of hand. Know when to get off the anger mode, accept it for what it is, just a temporary obstacle that can be overcome.

Here are more quotes to help you do just that.

“ANGER doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water, similarly you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the waters calm clarity comes.” Unknown

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha

Lastly,

Understanding Anger

“The goal isn’t to never feel ANGRY. The goal is to UNDERSTAND your anger and to choose HEALTHY ways to respond to it.” Unknown

The Journey

Edmund Hillary once said, “It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” There is much truth in that one statement. In order to conquer the mountain, metaphorically speaking, we have to conquer ourselves first.

More often than not, we place lines and boundaries around ourselves that stop us from moving forward, both knowingly and unknowingly. I have talked about the stories we tell in another article and it still stands true. The narratives we tell keeps us from achieving goals we set for ourselves. We say, “I can’t,” which is often the first response. What if we changed that narrative to, “I can.” Worth trying?

The thing I need to conquer first and foremost is fear. This four-letter word has kept me from achieving so much in my life. Whatever comes my way is usually DOA because fear steps in and tells me why I am incapable of doing something which might sound rational at the time but it is usually only in my head. The fear factor has kept me safe BUT it has also stopped me from experiencing life at its fullest. I know I need to break out of the well-insulated cocoon I am in and test the waters, or at least to get my feet wet. Not saying you should throw caution to the wind but talking about those small steps to conquer that mountain called life.

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” Judy Blume

Overcoming obstacles is next in line. My first reaction to any obstacle is to cringe and than I tend to shy away from it. Perhaps normal behavior in the grand scheme of things but it would be so much easier if I looked it, whatever it is, in the eye and made a conscious decision to break it down to what it really is. Most times, it is a wrinkle rather than a mountain that I in my innate human self make it out to be. I am learning but it takes time.

“Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them….they are able to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight.” Orison Swett Marden.

Acceptance is hard and most times I go through an almost impossible obstacle course of my own making before I can say, “It’s going to be alright. I have accepted the unchangeable and it is time to move on.” This step never comes easily and it takes time but that again is the intricate ways of life or simply of my own choosing. The important thing is that I am learning to accept and letting go instead of giving up and kow-towing and accepting defeat. I want to get to the top of the mountain with bells ringing and with my sanity intact! I still have a long ways to go but I am making progress.

“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” Michael J. Fox

However, there is no point in setting out on a journey when there are no clear cut goals because running around in circles is a waste of time and having the courage to know and accept what is needed to make that journey is the way to go. Start with yourself. Be strong enough to get rid of what is not needed, set your focus and start moving to the end goal. Light up your soul, eradicate the stumbling blocks of which there are many I am sure, move with purpose and look towards the path in front of you, one small step at a time. This is exactly what I plan to do.

“Aim for the sky, but move slowly, enjoying every step along the way, it is all those little steps that make the journey complete.” Unknown

Keep Going

The path ahead is unclear. It is scary. It is often filled with obstacles that we have to cross to make it up that mountain. We find ourselves on our way and then we take a tumble and we find ourselves not back to square one but somewhere in between and that is where I am now.

The weekend was filled with uncertainties and all my good intentions seemed to have flown out the window. I thought I was doing so well only to find that being on my way, moving on from the here and now is a long process. It doesn’t happen overnight and neither does it happen in a few days, a few weeks or a few months. It is an ongoing process which involves falling, picking yourself back up and having the courage to say, “Here I go again!”

“When you walk in the fire, you start becoming fireproof.” Hiral Nagada

I spent the weekend looking for excuses as to why I CAN’T do this and that is often the case with me. It is easier to look for excuses than to move on. Fear is another factor that plays into my inner being and that little voice within, the one that acts like a little kid keeps tugging and says you are not capable of making it to the other side. However, there is this other voice that refuses to give up and if given the chance, it will become a deafening roar that pushes me to my limits and lets me know that there is strength, unbeatable strength within and all I need to do is stand back up and start moving. Just remember that it will get worse before it gets better it says and that is the truth.

It takes time, it takes effort and it takes hard work to get to the top of the mountain and there will be times when I will take a fall and land where I don’t want to be, lost in my own excuses of why I can’t move on. Acknowledge but don’t get too comfortable where you are. It is no man’s land and you want better so stand back up and look towards that open door and go through it because failure is not an option.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” Mary Ann Radmacher

Also remember that failure is a choice, standing still is not an option and walking away from things that keep you from achieving your goals is the right thing to do no matter how painful it is. Let go of things that don’t serve you and make the commitment to keep going and you will arrive at where you need to be. My mission for this week is to keep moving, one step at a time and to keep going.

“No matter how bad things are right now.

No matter how stuck you feel,

No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different,

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel,

I promise you won’t feel this way forever.” Unknown

Here’s a story of hope. Last year, I uprooted a peony bush because it was growing too close to a fence and its growth was being stunted. I decided to move it to a smaller area where I thought it would thrive. There was a risk that it might not survive the process at all. All through winter, it looked like it had died. A week ago, I noticed that it was sprouting! Today, when I walked out the front door I noticed that new leaves were forming and it was budding and there were five buds on this tiny plant. Perhaps, it is a lesson from nature that even in the deepest darkest of times when we think all is lost, life is working its magic to show us that patience wins out and “better” is on its way. If all else fails, remember that it is not Amazon Prime, the delivery doesn’t happen in one or two days!

IT TAKES TIME.

Narcissists

Photo by Linneas Boland-Godbey on Pexels.com

Approach with caution or not at all! You will meet many different types of people when you put yourself out there in the dating scene so be careful. Here is one type that you need to stay away from at any cost if you want to walk away with your self-esteem and your mental state intact.

A young man sat by a river gazing at his own reflection. ”How beautiful he is. I wish I can be with him forever,” he said to his reflection. He was obsessed and couldn’t pull away. Eventually he died of thirst, hunger and unrequited love. His name was Narcissus and he was the son of the river god in Greek mythology. Narcissism originated from his name.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others.” According to the Mayo Clinic definition, they also have low self-esteem and are extremely sensitive to criticism.

“The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells.” Sam Vaknin

Scary? You better believe it. Ever met one of these walking disasters on your trek into the dating world? If not, you should thank your lucky stars. If yes, you know what I am talking about. The problem is you might be in a relationship with one of these types and not even know it because they are hard to spot. Here are some signs to look out for.

The number 1 trait of a narcissist is, “an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and they require constant, excessive admiration.” If that doesn’t make you want to slam the door shut on them, the following will help you to do exactly that. They are arrogant, lack empathy, are entitled, have feelings of superiority and grandiosity and they have a need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired or loved. They usually get away with wrongdoings and when denial doesn’t work, they turn to rage and all this at your cost I might add.

According to Dr. Brenda Wade, narcissists only think of themselves first and foremost, they want to win, they do not care about your feelings, they are always manipulating for their own personal gain and benefit and they make you think that you are the problem. Finally, gaslighting is their stock and trade.

Why haven’t you noticed these traits right from the start? It seems there is this thing called the ‘fantasy’ phase where you are idolized, more specifically it’s the where you can do nothing wrong phase, but it goes downhill from there.

“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase, “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in a narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.” Ramani Durvasula.

If you have been in one of these relationships you might walk away questioning your self-worth, what you stand for and won’t stand for and more often than not it leaves you broken to the core afraid to step out there again. Where? The world of dating is fraught with many minefields as I have said before and this particular breed is nasty, uncaring and not worth your time. If you are going to be out there, arm yourself first with knowledge and if you should by chance meet a narcissist, RUN don’t walk!

“It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It’s like the trash took itself out.” Karen Salmansohn

Or this:

Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” Ramani Durvasula

Finally this:

The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. By Dayna Craig

She nailed it folks!