survival – Site Title

On the Way

A Series on Getting Back on Track

Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, who was sitting in a tree. ”What road do I take?” The cat asked, “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

“So long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

I had taken the all important step a few days ago. Standing on that cliff top I jumped hoping to fly because the voice in my head kept saying, “Don’t be afraid of falling, you can’t stay, you need to go. You can’t be where you are and anywhere is better than where you’re at now.” I was staring at a brick wall that refused to give way no matter how hard I pushed. But then again, there is nothing to be had from drinking from an empty cup. The survival mode kicked in and I knew (I) not someone else, had to take the reins of my own life and do something, anything. I needed to GO!

Go within yourself, I heard it scream. It is within myself that I have found the strength in times past. When the murder of my mum took place, I screamed, “I can’t! I am filled with rage and anger. I want to kill!” No, the miraculous recovery and the coming to terms did not take place overnight. Yes, I wore sackcloth and ashes for a long time and my feet stopped moving. My life had come to a standstill. A year later I was still shaking my fist at the wind until a tiny voice brought me back to earth. It was the voice of my six or maybe five year old at the time, I am bad with time, who said, “Grandma is in heaven mommy.” I had forgotten about him in my day to day existence of wanting revenge and vengeance. I knew, I knew that I was holding on to something or someone I couldn’t bring back. My mom was gone, her time on earth was short for whatever the reason. I was still hanging on and I needed to let GO! Leaving the sadness, anger, heartache and fear behind was hard, very very hard but the choices were simple or so it seemed. GO or STAY and fight a losing battle. So I started moving. A short while later, I took the leap off that cliff. Did I fly? No, it took small steps, very small steps but eventually I did make it out of my misery. The day I said, RIP mom was when I realized I had arrived. I felt my wings take flight again.

Divorce came next. It started with his infidelity but perhaps it started long before that. Tragedy has a tendency to destroy if you let it and I did. I was so busy caught up in wanting revenge for my mom’s murder that I stopped living. Nothing existed but that tiny world of being consumed with hate towards someone I didn’t know, hadn’t seen but who had turned into a giant because I had given her that power. Instead of relegating her to where she belonged because she had taken a life, I gave her power over my life just as when she stood over my mother and took hers. I had hit rock bottom. It hurt and it hit hard. This time around it took longer. As usual, blame steps in wearing bells and wanting to pin the blame tag on someone. The truth of the matter is perhaps both parties were to blame. That said, I am not saying that infidelity is alright. Absolutely not! When one cheats or makes the choice to cheat, it is either temptation has taken over or they don’t care about the consequences and you as the significant other do not matter anymore. Whatever the case maybe, I was back on the cliff top, and I knew I had to jump and GO! If I stayed, I would be crawling for the rest of my life because my wings had been clipped again. I took off but unfortunately I landed with a thud! Those wings needed time to grow back and I had to do the work. It seemed so unfair. Again there was no miraculous recovery. I went deep within myself and I did some drastic rebuilding. My self-esteem, my confidence and my belief system had all taken a beating and that is putting it mildly. No more crying 24/7, no more letting go of myself and my looks had suffered too. Small steps I told myself, some days I didn’t see the progress but I kept on until one day I realized that my wings were sprouting again.

That was a few years back. As humans we tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. So here I am back to square one again. Like Alice, I don’t know where I want to go just so long as I get myself away from here. But as the cat said, you just have to keep walking to get to that SOMEWHERE. Is that what I want? Just somewhere? Perhaps I’ve been doing it all wrong. I don’t want to end up just somewhere because I would be back here again at some later point in time. I want a destination. This time around just an overhaul isn’t going to do it. I need to change my mindset. I needed to keep going for as long as it takes but I need to put in the work along the way as well. I know I will have setbacks and fear, my biggest enemy, will make me stumble but if I keep going, one step at a time I might just get to where I need to be. ”It is going to be a long journey so be prepared” says that little voice. ”You’ll want to run back to where you began” but that ship has sailed and scaling back up the cliff is a no go so I have to keep going on the path I’ve chosen.

How long will it take? I don’t know and that is the scary part. I also know deep within that when I arrive I’ll be ready to fly again.

“Take a leap of faith. You will either land somewhere new or learn to fly.” Kandyse McClure

Update: I started this blog a year ago and I’ve been on this journey of self-recovery ever since. I’ve made progress but there is still a long ways to go. Some days I take 10 steps back and with others I see progress. It is slow going but nothing comes easy and I understand that I need to keep moving and to keep working on myself to get to the other side of here, wherever that is, but I know deep within that there is a “better” out there and I will get there someday just so long as I keep moving, one step at a time.

Have an amazing day.

The Strength Within

I am learning as I go along that nothing stays the same. Life is an ever-changing landscape, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The good times come in waves and sometimes not at all and the bad, well it has a tendency to strike when you least expect it.

“Expect the unexpected and accept the twists and turns of life’s journey.” Unknown

Something was wrong. My body has a way of letting me know and so it was a week ago. I couldn’t shake the feeling and the symptoms made it clear so off I went to the doctor. A blood test later, he gives me the bad news. I felt myself growing smaller and my first response as it usually is with anything that has a tendency to change my life was, “Why? This is so UNFAIR!” Unfair or not, there it was staring me in the face and as I sat there, feeling small and insignificant, I blurted out, “I can beat this. Just watch me!” The doctor stared back with a somber look on his face, or was it sympathy I saw. He said, “You can try but a part of you is not functioning as it should.” I gulped but I had my brave face on. I walked out of there with my heart pumping fast but with a clear resolve to go deep within and grasp at the dwindling supply of my inner reserves, the place I go to when “ME” as a human is unable to deal with whatever that has thrown my world in a kilter. I went looking for the strength within. It has come to my rescue in times past so why not now?

“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly, ‘You’ve got this, keep going.” Unknown

That was a week and a half ago. Since then I’ve cried, berated and shaken my fist at nothing in particular. After that, I put a plan of action in place. Friends have offered advice and help BUT when it comes down to the inevitable, it is you and you alone who will have to put on the armor and do battle against an invisible enemy, one that has the power to do more damage than you can ever imagine.

Cut back on stress, change your diet, workout, meditate and yoga are all on my plan to beat this thing. It has the potential to destroy if not reeled in. Knowing that, I am not taking it lightly. I have made some progress but it needs constant work and that right there is the HARD part. I’ve faced “HARD” before and it is nothing new but what if it is outside my control this time around? That’s a scary question and I am not looking for the answers right now. Focus, I tell myself, show fear the door and keep on forging straight ahead and that is what I plan and need to do.

“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.” Paulo Coelho

Waking up to each new day is a challenge now. I have a blank slate to fill with things to do to get better. I tell myself that I have the strength to beat this thing. Taking one step at a time combined with resolve, I plan to chip away at this unseen monster and hope it gives way kow-towing to the strength within. There is hope.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” Brene Brown

I am a Survivor!

“I am a survivor and not a victim. Life isn’t perfect. When you get a knock you have to get up, dust yourself down and get on with it.” Patsy Kensit

Someone said to me the other day that he didn’t think he had that many more years to live and he made it seem like a foregone conclusion and even though we were talking over the phone, I could sense his shoulders slumping and the air of defeat emanating from every pore of his being. Perhaps in his case, he had accepted the inevitable and was calmly looking for that exit door because he was carrying the burden of the past on his back and death would mean letting go and breathing in a sigh of relief.

I disagree with him. I am a survivor and the past has not been kind to me. I’ve survived several tragedies but instead of letting it defeat me, I look for that light at the end of the tunnel and I keep holding on for dear life.

I lost my younger brother when he was in his early twenties. He was found dead and floating in a pond. According to the autopsy report, he had been dead for about two weeks. There were several bruises found on him but the amount of time in the water and decomposition had erased any DNA evidence. It was classified as a cold case. He was a handsome young man with his whole life ahead of him but somewhere things had gone wrong and his life came to a standstill. I was his protector and I played big sister to the hilt during our growing up years but life took us in different directions later on and I lost track of what he was doing. When I heard about what had happened, my world came crumbling down. I went into deep mourning thinking I should have been there for him. The grief took hold and refused to let go. It took a long time to come to terms with his death but somehow I found the strength within to stand back up, dust off and keep on moving.

A few years later, the murder of my mom took place. Life can’t be doing this again I screamed. I wore sackcloth and ashes and watched as life passed me by again. It took more than a year before I could say goodbye, pick up the reins of my life and move on. Life as they say goes on no matter what.

As if that wasn’t enough, my marriage of 17 years fell apart. I was broken by now. I was like a bird with no wings. Living wasn’t the word for it. I was barely existing.

Then an angel walked into my life. He picked me up, dusted me off and held me close. Flying without wings was not possible but with his help, I started taking off. Just when I thought I was safe, life decided that I hadn’t learned the lessons it threw down my path. Another lesson was on its way. This time I would play a major role. It was a year of walking beside someone who was dying. I watched and rallied around this angel of mine. When he moved on, I was there and I said my goodbyes holding my head up high. Once again, I was a bird without wings but this time around I knew the path well. I had to pick myself back up, wipe the tears away and keep on moving knowing full well that life will have something else in store for me. It is what life does but it is up to us to learn the lessons it wants us to learn whatever that lesson is.

I have survived two murders, a divorce and the loss of a dear friend and partner. Friends say I am a strong person but I tell myself they don’t know the hell I had to go through to get here. Going from just merely existing to living again takes guts, it takes strength but most of all a will to live in spite of everything. It is not easy. There are days when the memories of what was overwhelms and I have to work extra hard to keep on moving down that path. Then there are days when I am at peace knowing that I have endured more than most and I am still standing to face another day. One thing I do know is that surviving leaves scars, they may fade with time but the scarring will remain as reminders of the battle that was fought to stay alive, to accept what was and to say, “I can do this!” and walk without looking back. However, the questions of why still remain.

“Survival can be summed up in three words, NEVER GIVE UP. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying.” Bear Grylls.