A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.
“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
A man bought a Mercedes and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive to see what she could do so he decided to open her up. As the needle went pass 90 mph he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Mercedes he rapidly speeded up to 100, then 110 and finally to 120 with the flashing lights still behind him. Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over. After a minute or two, a big grumpy state trooper came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration said, “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said, “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
What do you think? Good enough excuse? I would have let him go!
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth,” even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Becky,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, shhh don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I…..I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confress,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no…I must die in peace. Becky….I….slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know…” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
Photo by Susanne Jutzeler, suju-foto on Pexels.com
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’s lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t @&%x think so!”
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
During a first date a man and a woman were telling each other about their pasts. The man said, “A genie once gave me the option of becoming more attractive to women, or having an exceptional memory.”
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”
Bessie looks him over,”Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks again. “Nope.” Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “notice anything different?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie?” It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!” Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”
The same couple with a LOT of time on their hands!
A man was waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his bed. He opened his eyes and said, “You’re beautiful. Then he fell asleep again.
Later he woke up again and said, “You’re cute.” His wife responded, “What happened to beautiful?”
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.
“But how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.
“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office.
“Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”
“Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:
“Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut. Two with wieners. One without!”
Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid–who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he’s recited with great insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I.Q.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider. The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” the mermaid says, “you don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”
And he turns into a woman.
I absolutely LOVED this one! My ex is a physicist by the way, I wonder what he thought about this one. I’ve been looking for that frog that grants wishes but I guess this mermaid will do just fine!
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