humor – Site Title

LOL!

Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?

Woman: Yes because we have to repeat everything!

Man: What?

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The Woman’s Guide To Love AND Lasting Relationships

Find a man who makes you laugh.

Find a man who has a good job and can cook.

Find a man who is honest.

Find a man who will pamper you and give you gifts.

Find a man who is awesome in the bedroom.

Most of all it is very important that these five men never meet!

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Nurse: The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.

Husband: What did she say?

Wife: They want your underwear.

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A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…..oh sorry……that’s wine……wine does that.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mentioned it.

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What women think of their a**:

10% think it is too small.

30% think it is too big.

AND

60% said they love it and wouldn’t trade HIM for anything!

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Ladies, have you ever noticed that all your problems start with Men?

MEN-opause

MEN-strual cramps

MEN-tal illness

MEN-tal breakdown

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Have a great day.

LOL!

It’s Monday and time for a laugh to get the new week started!

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

Computer Gender….

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands the internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Hmm….

Good one but incase you’re wondering computers are gender neutral.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

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Experts say “that laughter might raise the pain threshold and improve glucose tolerance, have positive effects on the immune system, and lower blood pressure.” Furthermore, “it enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.”

However, humor can’t cure all ailments but according to the mayoclinic.org, it has the ability to stimulate many organs, it helps to activate and relieve your stress response and it can soothe tension. These are just some short-term effects. The long-term effects can improve your immune system, help to relieve pain by releasing natural pain killers, increase personal satisfaction and improve the mood.

A daily dose of laughter can do wonders it seems. So here are a few jokes to get you started.

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?

Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.

Police Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?

Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it.

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Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel..” The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

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You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and your answer, “I can’t do both.”

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Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”

Patient: “Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.”

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When a wife says, “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Instead, stand still and do not even blink.”

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And now for all the single men out there.

Dear Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you discuss with your wife, always get the last two words right. ”Yes, dear.”

Feel better? I know I am feeling much better.

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

I thought this was hilarious!

Hello, police? Please hurry – send someone immediately! There’s a cat in my house!”

“I’m sorry, sir… did you say a cat?”

“Yes, a CAT! For heaven’s sake! Don’t you know what a cat is? It walked in and now it’s coming straight toward me!”

“Sir, I don’t quite understand. Are you sure you don’t mean an intruder? A burglar, perhaps?”

“Nooo! An actual cat! You know—meow! With fur! Are we on the same planet?!”

“Sir, even if the cat is approaching you, I’m not sure why this is a police matter.”

“Because it’s trying to kill me! And when I’m dead, this call will be Exhibit A!”

“A cat… is trying to kill you. Sir, may I ask who I’m speaking to?”

“This is Loreto.”

“Last name?”

“…the Parrot.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

Need I say more? 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Photo by Nashua Volquez-Young on Pexels.com

A farmer stopped by a local mechanic shop…..

… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.

He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”

“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”

The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

A man is talking to the family doctor, “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries it out.

He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.

He repeats this several times until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers,

“For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

Hmm….that’s what you get for overreaching!

LOL!

A church-going man who’d been faithful to his wife for 40 years died and found himself in Heaven. Since his widow was still alive back on Earth, he was given a snug little hut to live in and a refrigerator with food and soft drinks.

One day, while he was strolling about, he saw a man he knew to be a total scoundrel – the guy had embezzled money, gambled himself deep in debt, drank like a fish, philandered all over town, and left multiple illegitimate children in his wake. He had a beautiful blonde girl on one arm and was carrying a bottle of Chivas Regal.

Enraged, the pious man went straight to Saint Peter and demanded an explanation. “I spent my life doing right by everything and I’m in this little hut with nothing special. That scoundrel drank, gambled, cheated, and stole – and you gave him a gorgeous girl and fancy whiskey!”
Saint Peter didn’t flinch. “Stay calm. It’s not as it appears. He’s got a bottle of Chivas Regal with a hole in it and a beautiful girl without one.”

Yup there is always a silver lining or things don’t always seem as they are!

LOL!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy,

“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out,

“I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,

“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister.

“That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.

“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Actually I did the same. While my uncle gave his sermon, I slept!