jokes – Page 3 – Site Title

LOL!

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A man to the psychiatrist:

“What are the admission requirements at your psychiatric hospital?”

Psychiatrist: “We fill a bathtub with water and then provide a spoon, a cup, and a bucket. Then we tell the person to empty the bathtub.”

Man: “Ah, I see. A normal person would take a bucket.”

Psychiatrist: “No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like your room with or without a balcony?”

I wanted to say……well, never mind!

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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

“Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

LOL!

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In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said…

“Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well,” said Mr. Johnson. “I was looking over your test and the question was,

“Who was the first president?” and the little girl who sits next to you, Mary, put “George Washington,” and so did you.

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who freed the slaves?”

Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?”

Mary put, “I don’t know,” and you put, “Me neither.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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Three women went to Mexico one night, had too much to drink, and woke up the next morning in jail. They were told they would be executed, but none of them could remember what they had done wrong.

The first woman, who had red hair, was strapped into the electric chair. When asked if she had any last words, she said, “I went to Grace University, and I believe that God will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch, but nothing happened.

Everyone around dropped to their knees, begged for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Next, the second woman, a brunette, was put in the chair. She said, “I went to the Creighton School of Law, and I believe that justice will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch again, and once more, nothing happened.

Again, the people fell to their knees, asked for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Finally, the last woman, a blonde, was brought in and strapped into the chair. She said, “I graduated from the University of Alabama in Huntsville with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I can tell you right now, this thing isn’t going to work unless you plug it in!”

😂😂😂

The Moral of the Story is…

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage.

Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God, “Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don’t let my husband find out.”

Suddenly, she hears a voice from above. “Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning.”

The woman hesitates at first but then responds, “Alright Lord, if it means he’ll never find out, then so be it.”

The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God.

One day, she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is stuck with grief and begins praying frantically to God again:

“God, you’re not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?”

She hears a familiar voice. “Are you kidding me? I’ve been working to gather all you cheaters here for years!”

BOOM! It may take years but it all comes back eventually and HOW!!!

LOL! (Archives)

It has been said that laughter is good for you. According to the MayoClinic people, it can: “Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain. Activate and relieve your stress response.”

That said, it lifts up your face, puts a happy smile on your whole being and on days like today when nothing much is happening and it is cloudy and windy outside, it helps to bump up your mood.

Here are some quotes to get you laughing and put a smile on your face as it did on mine.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” Woman’s Day

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“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” Unknown

By the way I feel like that all the time!

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“Life is not a fairytale, if you lose your shoe at midnight, YOU’RE DRUNK.” Unknown

Probably from some poor girl who didn’t get her guy!

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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!: Charlie Brown

Yup that’s me right there!

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Dear life, when I said, “can my day get any worse It was a rhetorical question not a challenge.” Unknown

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“The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” Sophie Monroe

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“I am yours, no refunds.” Unknown

This one is scary! You mean I can’t return you and get a better model?!!

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“Love is a lot like gas, if you have to force it, it’s probably sh**!” Stephen K. Amos

And with that, have a great day.

LOL!

Curtis and Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, We shore can! We don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They say, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the fella who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Bailout and Stimulus Programs.

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I’m dying to say something but I’ll keep my mouth shut!

LOL!

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked at the biggest one in the face, and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word.

His buddies were confused, because he was a badass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing.

His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder, and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

LOL!

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before….But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer…..the husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

😉😉😉😉

LOL!

A wife told her husband, “Go out and get something that makes me look sexy.”

He went out and came back drunk!

How does that song go? “The Girls Get Prettier at Closing Time?”

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A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”

He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married!”

LOL!

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I had my patience tested, I’m negative.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I’m doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why what did you hear?”

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

Exactly what I say!

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

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There are two friends out hunting and they have a hunting accident and one man is laying on the ground motionless. The other man calls the doctor.

Man: “Doctor we just had a hunting accident! I think my friend is dead!”

Doc: “Well are you sure he is dead?”

Man: “Well, no.”

Doc: “Make sure he is dead first.”

With that the man puts down the phone for a moment, and the doctor hears a loud BANG before he comes back.

Man: “Ok, now what?”

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