jokes – Page 3 – Site Title

LOL!

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.

“Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered.

“Put that son of a bi**h on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!

🤣🤣🤣

Yup, I’ve got one of those. Little Einstein knows more than I do!

LOL!

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas…..although still silent, it stinks terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor says, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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A wife decides to take her husband James to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey James, how you doing?”

His wife’s puzzled and asks if he’s been to the club before.

“Oh no,” says James. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they were seated, a waitress asks James if he’d like his usual and brings him over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“Oh, she’s in the ladies bowling league, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around James, and says, “Hi James, want your usual table dance, big boy?’

James’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. James follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She’s screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns around and says,

“Looks like you’ve picked up a real bi**ch tonight, James.”

BOOM!

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

LOL!

A man had just finished reading a new book called, “HOW YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR OWN HOME AGAIN.”

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,

“Firstly – From now on, YOU need to understand that I AM THE MAN of this house, and simply accept that what I say goes!”

“Secondly – You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.”

“Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me to our bedroom where we will indulge in whatever forms of lovemaking that I choose – no matter what you might have said in the past.”

“After that, you are going to draw me a warm bath so that I can relax.”

“You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me a robe.”

“Then you will massage my feet and hands.”

“Then after that’s done, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied ….

“The funeral director would be my guess.”

I suppose the book didn’t do too well?

LOL! (Archives)

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.

God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”

AND HE DID!

LOL!

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide:

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

What can I say? Well, there is plenty I can say but I’m going to keep my mouth shut!

LOL!

Two Italian men get on a bus….

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first.

Den I come.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.

“In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey coola down lady,” said the man.

“Who talkin’ about sexa?”

“I’m ajusta tellin’ my frienda how to spell Mississippi!”

Yup, that’s a hard word to spell!

LOL!

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A man to the psychiatrist:

“What are the admission requirements at your psychiatric hospital?”

Psychiatrist: “We fill a bathtub with water and then provide a spoon, a cup, and a bucket. Then we tell the person to empty the bathtub.”

Man: “Ah, I see. A normal person would take a bucket.”

Psychiatrist: “No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like your room with or without a balcony?”

I wanted to say……well, never mind!

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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

“Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

LOL!

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In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said…

“Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well,” said Mr. Johnson. “I was looking over your test and the question was,

“Who was the first president?” and the little girl who sits next to you, Mary, put “George Washington,” and so did you.

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who freed the slaves?”

Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?”

Mary put, “I don’t know,” and you put, “Me neither.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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Three women went to Mexico one night, had too much to drink, and woke up the next morning in jail. They were told they would be executed, but none of them could remember what they had done wrong.

The first woman, who had red hair, was strapped into the electric chair. When asked if she had any last words, she said, “I went to Grace University, and I believe that God will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch, but nothing happened.

Everyone around dropped to their knees, begged for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Next, the second woman, a brunette, was put in the chair. She said, “I went to the Creighton School of Law, and I believe that justice will protect the innocent.” They pulled the switch again, and once more, nothing happened.

Again, the people fell to their knees, asked for her forgiveness, and let her go.

Finally, the last woman, a blonde, was brought in and strapped into the chair. She said, “I graduated from the University of Alabama in Huntsville with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I can tell you right now, this thing isn’t going to work unless you plug it in!”

😂😂😂