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A man walks into a barber shop and says, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replies, “My husband wouldn’t like that.”
The man says, “Tell him you’re working overtime, and I’ll pay you the difference.”
… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.
He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”
“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”
The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”
I saw this online and it had been laughing out loud! The problem is we are all on the selfsame journey, just a matter of time. LORD HAVE MERCY!
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older (but refuse to grow up) here’s what I’ve discovered…
ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE – I finally got my head together now my body is falling apart.
FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
FIVE – All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT – Some days you are the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE – I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.
TEN – Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN – Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE – It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN – The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
NINETEEN – I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT!!!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
I’m not going to saying anything although I’m dying to!
A man is talking to the family doctor, “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
“For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
A church-going man who’d been faithful to his wife for 40 years died and found himself in Heaven. Since his widow was still alive back on Earth, he was given a snug little hut to live in and a refrigerator with food and soft drinks.
One day, while he was strolling about, he saw a man he knew to be a total scoundrel – the guy had embezzled money, gambled himself deep in debt, drank like a fish, philandered all over town, and left multiple illegitimate children in his wake. He had a beautiful blonde girl on one arm and was carrying a bottle of Chivas Regal.
Enraged, the pious man went straight to Saint Peter and demanded an explanation. “I spent my life doing right by everything and I’m in this little hut with nothing special. That scoundrel drank, gambled, cheated, and stole – and you gave him a gorgeous girl and fancy whiskey!” Saint Peter didn’t flinch. “Stay calm. It’s not as it appears. He’s got a bottle of Chivas Regal with a hole in it and a beautiful girl without one.”
Yup there is always a silver lining or things don’t always seem as they are!
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