A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”
He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married!”
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy. I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news.”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.
I knew that she had been trying for awhile and told her I thought it was great and that I couldn’t be happier for her.
She said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
She said, “Well we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.”
Amazed at how fast she could know that so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, “I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy test in a twin pack. Both tests came out positive!”
A British doctor brags to colleagues: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man’s backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work.”
The German surgeon replies: “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work.”
The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job.”
The American doctor sighs, saying: “You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight as our President!”
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel!” The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama?” Barack replied, “Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.”
I picked up a hitchhiker. The man got in my car and said, “Thank you for picking me up, but I mean how do you know I am not a serial killer or something?”
I said, “I don’t know for sure, but the chances of 2 serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.”
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “Ok take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw, reery, reery, reery, fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery, fass back to me.” So she did
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease……worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…..Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a**!”
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.
“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
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