A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that….that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “Ok take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw, reery, reery, reery, fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery, fass back to me.” So she did
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease……worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
Worried the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied…..Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your a**!”
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.
“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”
When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:
“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
A man bought a Mercedes and took it out on the interstate late that night for a test drive to see what she could do so he decided to open her up. As the needle went pass 90 mph he suddenly saw flashing lights behind him. Thinking that a police car couldn’t keep up with a Mercedes he rapidly speeded up to 100, then 110 and finally to 120 with the flashing lights still behind him. Finally, he came to his senses and pulled over. After a minute or two, a big grumpy state trooper came up to the car and after taking his licence and registration said, “I’ve had a really tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t want any more paper work tonight, so if you can give me an excuse for your excessive speed that I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man said, “Well, last week my wife ran off with a police officer and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
What do you think? Good enough excuse? I would have let him go!
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.”
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth,” even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your father a big hug.”
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”
“Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that we fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.” Unknown
The “little things” or rather appreciating those seemingly minor or unimportant moments that go to make up life is of minute importance but they are important so today I’m going to concentrate on them and give them the credit they deserve.
The cooing of the pigeons usually irritates me but this morning I’ve decided to let it fly over my head! It has been said that pigeons coo in the mornings, “to communicate with each other, often to attract mates or to defend their territory.” Nice, but I’m not going to get on the rooftop to “attract my mate!” He’s on the way so I’ll let him take his time getting here.
In the meantime, the hot cup of coffee is soothing and the song of the blackbirds out there is like a symphony in my head. Chachi, the cat, stretched out in front of the fan and cooling himself off brings a smile to my face. We’re smack dap in the middle of a heatwave and nothing is helping. Not showers, not roomy t-shirts and not even flip-flops! Nothing much anyone can do but to make the best of it. The Dyson fan is doing a great job of keeping things cool and that is one of the little things.
“I try to find a reason to laugh each day. Somehow, if you can incorporate laughter into your day, everyday, it really helps. It’s the little things in life that make me happy.” Faith Hill
I truly believe in the soothing qualities of laughter. Chachi helps me in that respect. His wobbly gait as he chases a lone fly that had somehow survived the night and is now on his radar makes me laugh. I know that it’s just a matter of time before it too meets its maker!
Note to Self: Cut back on feeding the fly catcher!
A text message saying, “Good morning and have a wonderful week,” puts a smile on my face. It came early but he’s caring that way. Just something small, not a big, gorgeous bouquet of flowers but something small to say, I’m thinking of you,” and it was enough to put a different spin on my day.
The news is droning on in the background. Nothing much is happening and news of Trump and his antics makes me want to roll my eyes and do a heave ho but NOT today. I’m about the “little things” today. Things that bring joy, things that I take for granted and things that show me that life is made up of those little things. Pay attention to them for they have the ability to change your mood, to lighten your load and to put a smile on your face.
What about the big things? They’re there but somehow in the grand scheme of things, they don’t matter as much in the here and now.
“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Robert Brault
AND
“It’s the little things that usually have the greatest impact in life.
A smile, a hug, a thank you and a compliment.” Unknown
Exactly what I’m going to focus and concentrate on today.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Becky,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, shhh don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice. “I…..I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confress,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
“No, no…I must die in peace. Becky….I….slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know…” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 iron.” He looks at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a nine iron. BOOM! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing.” You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies, “Ribbit lucky frog.”
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog,” the man asks. “Ribbit three wood.” The guy takes out the three wood and BOOM! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man shot the best game of his life and asks the frog, “OK, where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. BOOM! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit kiss me.” The guy figures why not. After all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.”
“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”
What do you think? “Ribbit, Ribbit, did he get away with it?”
The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn’t give her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?”
He says, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”
A man told his wife that he had invited a friend home for dinner. His wife said, “Are you crazy, the house is a mess, we don’t have any food in the house, and I don’t feel like cooking anyway. Why would you do that?”
He replied, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
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