Laughter – Page 10

LOL!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glovers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut? The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seatbelt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “Will you please shut up!” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talks to you this way, Ma’am?” Her reply, “Only when he’s been drinking.”

How many tickets do you think he got after all was said and done?!!

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On their wedding night, a groom asked his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She replies, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

Hmm…..

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A woman was standing nude looking into the bedroom mirror and said to her husband, “I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”

He replied, “Your eyesight’s nearly perfect.”

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Have an amazing day filled with laughter and all things nice.

LOL!

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings,” he explained. “Oh darling, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” His wife responded, “Your horse phoned.”

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Scientists recently reported on a research study indicating that beer contains traces of female hormones. To support their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed their behavior. At the end of the study 100 percent of them talked nonsense and couldn’t drive.

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One morning a conservative business executive came to work wearing an earring in one ear. His coworkers were teasing him when one asked, “When did you start wearing an earring?” He replied, “Since my wife found this one in my car.”

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What do you call a man who has lost 95 percent of his brainpower?

A widower.

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What do marriage and tattoos have in common?

Both seemed like a good idea at the time.

LOL!

Time for laughter again!

Photo by Susanne Jutzeler, suju-foto on Pexels.com

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’s lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t @&%x think so!”

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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During a first date a man and a woman were telling each other about their pasts. The man said, “A genie once gave me the option of becoming more attractive to women, or having an exceptional memory.”

“Which one did you choose?” the woman asked.

He replied, “I don’t remember.”

Just like a man!

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”

Bessie looks him over,”Nope.” Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?” Bessie looks again. “Nope.” Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “notice anything different?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie?” It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!” Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”

The same couple with a LOT of time on their hands!

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“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, “the divorce court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

😂😂😂

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Once a month, women go completely crazy for about 30 days.

Get it? Looks like someone who knows women well!

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A man was waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his bed. He opened his eyes and said, “You’re beautiful. Then he fell asleep again.

Later he woke up again and said, “You’re cute.” His wife responded, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

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LOL!

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Joe said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Joe replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the …..” and the power went out and Joe didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?”

Joan replied, “Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today!”

Methinks they’ve got too much time on their hands!

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Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the downfall of every successful man is usually another woman.

I know this one way too well!

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“I think my wife is selling drugs,” a man told his friend.

“Yesterday I was running late for work and the phone rang. I answered it, but before I could say anything, a guy said, “Hey honey, is that dope gone yet?”

Methinks, well never mind!

LOL!

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office.

“Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:

“Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut. Two with wieners. One without!”

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Relationship Arithmetic:

Smart man + smart woman = romance.

Smart man + dumb woman = affair.

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

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Guess I should go back to writing something productive?

LOL!

It’s Saturday and time for another dose of laughter. Enjoy!

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear”

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price –the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, “Good grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon.

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Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Man Say.

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

While, I’m up, can I get you anything?

Honey, since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Sex isn’t that important; sometimes I just want to be held.

Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore.

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say.

What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight?

I’d rather just watch TV.

Ooh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

Can our relationship get a little more physical?

I’m tired of being “just friends.”

Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

Aww, don’t stop for directions. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.

I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress!

There you have it. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus!

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

It’s Sunday and time to relax and a dose of laughter doesn’t hurt either. Enjoy!

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed. “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister. “It’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna. “But what am I going to do with the BODY?”

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THREE WISE WOMEN: You do know…..what would have happened if it had been three wise woman instead of three wise men, dou’t you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

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A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, “I’d like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can’t be done because it would be technogically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guys thinks about it and very enthusiastically wishes he would understand women.

The genie then said, “Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?”

🤣🤣🤣

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I’m still looking for that frog and mermaid but I’ll add the genie to my wishlist as well!

LOL!

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid–who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he’s recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I.Q.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider. The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” the mermaid says, “you don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”

And he turns into a woman.

I absolutely LOVED this one! My ex is a physicist by the way, I wonder what he thought about this one. I’ve been looking for that frog that grants wishes but I guess this mermaid will do just fine!