Laughter – Page 6 – Site Title

LOL!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy,

“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out,

“I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,

“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister.

“That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.

“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Actually I did the same. While my uncle gave his sermon, I slept!

LOL!

Pat goes to confession and tells the priest:

“I’ve had sex with a woman who is not my wife”

“What’s the woman’s name”, asks the priest.

“Oh, I can’t tell you that”, says Pat.

“Well I can’t give you penance if you don’t tell me who it was.”

“Was it Mrs. Gilhooly”?

“No, father, it wasn’t.”

“Was it Mrs. Murphy”?

“No, father, it wasn’t “

“Was it Mrs. Jones”?

“No, father, it wasn’t “

“Well then Pat I can’t give you penance “, says the priest.

On the way out Pat meets Seamus.

“Well, Pat, did he give you penance?” asks Seamus.

“No, he didn’t, but he gave me three good leads”, says Pat.

LOL!

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next-door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Oops! All for nothing!

Married for 60 years, they had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.

Lovely couple!

LOL!

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Hilarious!

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.

I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

😂😂😂

LOL!

Funny stuff!😂😂😂

In a trial, a US Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to jail.

LOL!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

🤣🤣🤣

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

LOL!

Okay guys, this one is a little naughty but I thought it was hilarious!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman seated over there’

….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply

to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,

and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’😂

LOL!

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical center.

He put a sign up outside that said, “Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured get back $1,000.”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring me medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! This is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor Young: “Oh no, you don’t, that’s Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young: “but this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of the story: Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer.”

Just because you’re “Old” doesn’t mean you’ve lost all your marbles!

LOL!

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.

“Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered.

“Put that son of a bi**h on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!

🤣🤣🤣

Yup, I’ve got one of those. Little Einstein knows more than I do!