grief – Site Title

I MISS YOU

I don’t know what brought this on but it seems like I’m grieving all over again. It could be the changing of the season where the days are getting shorter and darkness is coming in earlier and staying longer. Enough time has passed and it should have made it better but there are too many reminders that trigger those memories, ones that I have put aside in order to move on.

Your brother called and he checks in on me not as frequently as he used to do but once in a while. Today was one of those days. He sounded concerned about the test I had gone through and was really relieved that all turned out well. Then he said, “If there is anyone who deserves good things in her life, it is you.” It went straight to my heart but he didn’t see the tears rolling down my face. I got off that phone call and I felt the familiar strains of memories trying to fight their way back in.

Last week, while on my way to the fields, I saw a neighbor and she started up a conversation. It was strange because I never really liked her and we never made small talk before and yet there she was ready to strike up a conversation. It started off about our kids, she has a daughter the same age as my son. Then, it came. “What about …….how is he doing? I always liked him. A nice guy.” So I told her and her face dropped and then she gushed with sadness and condolences. I answered, “Thank you and yes he was a good guy.” Then I went to the fields and you were right there walking beside me, quiet and calm as you always were.

Then for some reason, the Teddy Swims song, “Let Me Love You,” came on and it took me all the way back. It was the third song you sent me and I stopped what I was doing and listened as emotions came rushing back up. Remember, the first Christmas when I invited you over for Christmas Eve dinner and I had my ex there as well? You showed up all dressed up wearing a tie but I could see the nervousness on your face. My ex was shooting daggers at you with his eyes because he felt you were encroaching on his territory but he forgot that he gave it up for a roll in the hay or two with someone who was the spitting image of Olive Oyl, Popeye’s girlfriend or was it his wife? Anyway….

Later, I asked you, “How did it go? Was it ok?”

YOU: “Oh I didn’t mind because I only had eyes for you!”

That one sentence catapulted my self-esteem back to where it should be after having felt “ugly” for months on end when he tossed me aside for everything that moved on two feet! My ex had grown out of his “nerd” phase and was ready to make up for lost time. He took the saying, “Too many women, too little time,” straight to the heart and practiced it religiously!

It has been a hard weekend. Thoughts of you still linger and sometimes it is a song that triggers it or a mere mention of you or just because and I am back to where I shouldn’t be. They say time heals all things but it sure is taking its time.

I wanted you to know that I MISS YOU.

Subjects of Authority?

I don’t consider myself an authority on any one subject. Some subjects I am good at because of what I have lived through like grief, murder and the aftermath, and relationships and others I gloss over, glad that I don’t have to give it too much attention.

I know that grief takes a long time to dissipate. It hangs on and it takes but a little reminder to bring it all rushing back just like it was yesterday. I also know that time does make the pain less and time also erases the vividness, that is a godsent. However, grief is yours alone to bear and others may offer help but when it comes down to it, you are the carrier and you have to deal with it.

Murder is something that I never thought would visit my family. We were upper- middle class and we lived in a safe neighborhood or so it seemed. When murder comes visiting it doesn’t care where you live, who you are and what you’re about. It has the ability to cross lines and being in the wrong place at the wrong time is all it takes. I also know that long after the person is gone, the after-effects keep on coming. It takes strength, it takes courage and it takes forgiveness to let go and to move on. However, it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes a long time before that happens.

I can’t say I am an expert on relationships but my problem was that I believed in forevers. So when my marriage took a dive after many years, I was devastated. I didn’t see it as being married to the wrong person but instead I took it personally. When it broke and went down, I went down with it. It took a long time to come out of that rabbit hole and to live life again. The after-effects are still felt but it is a lesson learned and one I don’t want to repeat.

I speak from experience but not as an authority on any one subject. I think experience sometimes makes you an expert because you learned what you didn’t really want to learn but because of life and its idiosyncrasies there was no choice but to pick up the pieces and to keep on going.

Daily writing prompt

On what subject(s) are you an authority?

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An Ode to an Angel

“Angels appear in many different forms to hold your hand through difficult times.” Doreen Virtue

Three years already? Has it been that long? I can still hear your laughter, that soft raspy laugh and I can hear you saying, “You’re so bad with time.” I totally agree.

I lit a candle for you today. It’s just symbolic. It’s what humans do to show their caring and to say, “I’m thinking about you.” However, I think “up there” where you’re at, they’ve got much better things planned for you today.

What can I say that I haven’t said already? The “thank yous” never seem enough and the love you showed a broken heart and the healing you brought into my life was unexpected but it was needed. You swooped in and carried me on your wings and for a while, my world began to right itself.

Remember the first laughter that escaped from me? The loud and no holds barred kind that had me bending over till tears started running down my face? When it subsided, I looked at you with new eyes. There was something about you. It wasn’t just the good looks, the soft spoken ways about you but there was something special about you. I felt comfortable in your presence. I called it a feeling of home. I also felt safe in your presence but I couldn’t love you the way you wanted. I was too broken at the time but you took that in stride. Your love never wavered. We, my son and I, became a part of your world.

No, it wouldn’t last long but during the time you were here, you showed us what love was about. It was unconditional, it was focused and it was filled with caring. I didn’t see your wings back then, I only knew you were someone special.

I still talk about you and it is with reverence and sometimes I see anger because your shoes are hard to fill. I was told, “Not everyone can be like him!” I agree and I KNOW that those shoes can never be filled. They belonged to an angel and no earthly human is going to measure up. However, I’m not looking for someone to fill those shoes, just someone who will love me for who I am.

So, the candle is burning bright. It’s not one that you bought me. That supply has been exhausted. This one I bought myself. I still see you as you were. The tall frame dressed in a shirt and jeans, green eyes smiling, the same color as Chachi’s eyes, the quiet confidence that seemed to reach out and take me in its hold. I felt “safe” there and there are times when I reach out for that safety and there are times when I still feel you close to me.

I’ll say thank you again for all that you gave me in that short space of time. You showed me that there is a “better” love out there. You helped to mend those clipped wings so thank you my angel and I hope you have a fantastic day today.

“Angels never stay for long.”

The Poem

I’m not big on poems but this one touched a chord within me. It talks about all the things we do when “struggling with loss, pain, grief, change and transition.” It also talks about how releasing the need to control situations and emotions can be liberating. We often hold on when we should let go and we have those memories on speed redial. The wound never heals but what if we can just let it go “like a leaf falling from a tree?” Anyway, this poem is about letting go and learning to move on.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear, she let go of the judgments. She let go of the opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go…….

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Rev. Safire Rose

LET IT GO (whatever it is) and have an amazing day.

Let Go Gracefully (Archives)

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Just like that….it is over. The feelings and emotions crowding your mind and raging through your body are almost too much to bear. Disbelief, anger, sadness, numbness, confusion and rage could be some of the emotions taking hold and letting go gracefully is the last thing on your mind.

It is a normal reaction. Give it time to settle down even if it feels like it never will right now. It is done for, so let it go gracefully.

“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” Unknown

It is not easy to let go and it is downright scary. Suddenly it becomes real and very uncomfortable. Most of us look at it as a relationship ending and there is a mad scramble within to want to save what can’t be saved. What went wrong is the first question that comes to mind. The more pertinent question is, does it even matter? Crying over split milk is a lost cause and venting over lost time and energy even more so. Consider it a sunk cost and take steps to move on.

Did I neglect his needs, wants and feelings?

Did he neglect mine?

What led to the breakup?

Did he fall into me or was I the one doing the chasing running circles around him?

Did he hurt me intentionally? There is a difference between hurting someone and hurting someone intentionally. The latter is done with total disrespect knowing full well that the action taken will have repercussions and not of the nice kind.

More importantly, how much of what I didn’t want, did I tolerate?

The answers coming back could be eye-openers because, as women, we tend to have blinders on when it comes to love and relationships. What we wouldn’t tolerate normally are the very things we are quick to disregard when it comes to that special person in our life.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Unknown

Letting go is a grieving process. You’ll have to go through the grieving to get to the other side. There are five steps to the process. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There is a quote that goes like this:

“The buffalo is the only animal that runs into a storm rather than away from it.”

Why? It’s because, “they instinctively know that walking into a storm will get them out of the weather quicker, despite knowing they’ll suffer more up front.” Face your problems head-on with courage and determination and by spending time there instead of ignoring them you will be able to move past them more quickly and effectively.

However, if you don’t want to do all five of the grieving techniques, accept what has happened, don’t ponder too much on why it happened but know that sometimes:

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Unknown

AND

“Some things break your heart but fix your vision.” Unknown

Let go gracefully and walk away with your dignity intact. Smile even if it hurts and turn the switch off. It is done for now and you’ll be fine.

Have an amazing day.

My Growth Experiences…

It’s Sunday and too early in the morning to go that deep but I’ll give it a try since I just had my first cup of coffee and my mind is raring to go!

I would say “loss.” Many of us go through it and some of us refuse to learn from it. Loss to us is simply that. Losing something precious, losing a relationship for whatever the reason and of course death is the ultimate loss. These three things taught me that life is fragile but more importantly life is about learning because it (life) has lessons planned and learning and moving on is the only way to go. Standing still is not an option, screaming and howling is not an option, although you can try and I have, thumping your nose at it is not going to work either.

More than my marriage breaking up, I think it was death that brought home the fact that nothing lasts forever but I have strength, incredible strength within the kind that is capable of slaying monsters. First I had to accept that the person had moved on and I was left standing to pick up the pieces. It took crying, incredible grief, talking to myself, finding avenues to let that grief out but most of all when all was said and done, I took up the reins of life again and moved forward one step at a time and I am still moving forward although some days are harder than others. Loss teaches us that when one door closes another one opens. If you keep looking at that closed door, there is no moving forward but if you embrace and move through that open door there is a world of opportunities and new possibilities waiting to be discovered. Courage is needed and of course strength to push you through. It is still a learning process for me and I haven’t reached the pinnacle yet but maybe one day I will or maybe life is just that, when you think you’ve mastered a lesson along comes another. If that’s the case, make it a simpler one the next time around PLEASE!

Daily writing prompt

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

View all responses

The Reason (Archives)

A Series on Getting Back on Track

Life has a tendency to throw curveballs when you least expect it. Just when you think all is going well and there you are asking what went wrong? What happened? It could be a break-up, the passing of a loved one or simply because something didn’t go the way you thought it would. Then the question WHY arises as it always does in moments such as these and we scramble to look for the answers.

“Always remember that everything happens for a reason. It might not make sense now but at the right time it will.” Unknown

Does it matter as to the reason why? Some may say of course it does. I NEED a reason why. Others may say, it happened. I am going to learn from my mistakes, accept it for what it is and move on from here. I am going to take the lessons I have learned and put it to good use in the future. Moving on is a hard thing to do and not knowing “why” makes it harder still.

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” Unknown

I am learning that the reasons why don’t matter. It is what comes out of it that does. I lost someone close to me about two years ago. He was my best friend. I kept asking the question why after it happened? Why did he have to leave so soon? I wanted and needed to know the reasons why. It was as if my existence depended on the answers coming back to me. There were no answers forthcoming. Just an absolute and eerie silence. The reality was I could no longer run to him in my time of need, hear his soothing voice try to walk me out of the rabbit hole I was in and I just missed having him there to share the important and not so important things with him. I had taken him for granted and when it was time for him to go my world crumbled. The truth was, I had to deal with things on my own. I felt fear without my safety net there. It was sink or swim time. I felt the net being pulled away and as I came careening back down to earth, I learned that nothing lasts forever. I also learned as I kicked and screamed all the way down that I am enough as I am. I am fully capable of dealing with what life throws my way and I am learning to step out of my comfort zone albeit slowly and moving with little steps forward.

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes the reason why is not ours to know but what you do with what is handed to you whether it be good or bad is. I think all of us are fully equipped or rather we are fully programmed to deal with whatever life throws our way. The way ahead maybe strewn with rocks as big as boulders so passing throw them might seem like an impossible task at first but if you have the courage to push through, you will find your way and on to the other side at some point in time. The truth is most times you’ll have to move forward without asking WHY because there is no other choice.

“Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong & keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.” John Mayer

Have an amazing day.

Let Go Gracefully

It is a normal reaction. Give it time to settle down even if it feels like it never will right now. It is done for, so let it go gracefully.

“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” Unknown

Did I neglect his needs, wants and feelings?

Did he neglect mine?

What led to the breakup?

Did he fall into me or was I the one doing the chasing running circles around him?

More importantly, how much of what I didn’t want, did I tolerate?

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Unknown

“The buffalo is the only animal that runs into a storm rather than away from it.”

However, if you don’t want to do all five of the grieving techniques, accept what has happened, don’t ponder too much on why it happened but know that sometimes:

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Unknown

AND

“Some things break your heart but fix your vision.” Unknown

Let go gracefully and walk away with your dignity intact. Smile even if it hurts and turn the switch off. It is done for now and you’ll be fine.

Have an amazing day.