Chachi, the cat, has been feeling down in the dumps for the last couple of days. His girlfriend, “The Girl from Ipanema” has disappeared and I think he misses her. The village “runaround” has been a no show for over a week so I decided to have a heart to heart or rather human to fur ball talk.
ME: Let’s talk Peaches. Tell me what’s wrong.
CHACHI: Peaches? Cookie Dough? Buttercup? Lovey? Mom, you’ve got to treat me like the “man” I am!
ME: I’m sorry Chachi. I’ll try better.
CHACHI: What kind of name is Chachi anyway? Einstein is a good one and Christopher Columbus even better!
Little Macho was in his element now!
ME: Alright Einstein it is. Suits you well I must say. You’re one smart little cookie!
EINSTEIN: There you go again! Cookie?!! While we’re at it, stop manhandling me! The kisses are a little too much and picking me up every chance you get is a no go either!
ME: I’m sorry. I’ll cut back on the kisses and I’ll try not to pick you up no matter how cute you look!
EINSTEIN: Now, we’re getting somewhere! I like this “talk” thing. One more thing since I’m the only cat, you need to play with me a little more.
ME: I promise I will or at least make time for you.
EINSTEIN: Another important thing. Stop bringing those creeps around! You don’t need them, you’ve got me. I don’t like that “Cheesecake” guy and I don’t like how he looks at you! The last time he was here, I zeroed in on him and I think he got the message!
ME: Anything else?
EINSTEIN: Talking was great. It went well don’t you think?
ME: Glad you think it did.
NOTE TO SELF: You need to reel this little macho in. He’s getting too big for his britches!
“To me, a rich and satisfying life means one full of contrast. Give me sleep ins. And soft rains. Coffee shops and conversation. But also adrenaline and adventure. And drunken bellows to the stars. I am determined to embrace this extravagant life for all that it has to offer.” Beau Taplin
It wasn’t a great day for a walk, grey clouds were gathering and as promised rain was on the way. What a difference a day makes, weather-wise. Yesterday it was picture perfect, warm and absolutely mesmerizing but today it had turned tables and was ready to show another side, a grey and wet one. There was no beauty to speak off as I trudged nonchalantly through the muddy and leaf-strewn path heading for the forest line. Oh, but I was wrong for I had only to open my mind and my senses to see the contrasts between a beautiful day and a bad one. To my surprise, each had its own brand of beauty if only I wasn’t so quick to pass judgement.
The not so subtle rustling of the leaves caught in the interplay of wind and absolute silence was balm for my anxious soul. I needed peace but somehow it was missing today. Glancing into the forest, I noticed that it was quiet, too quiet. The trees were tight-knit and hidden in shadows of its own making echoing the onslaught of rain that was to come. I usually don’t like walking close to the forest because a feeling of unease usually envelops me and my senses are usually on high alert as it was today. There was no room to relax. I walked on in silence and in the distance, the hoot of an owl could be heard. I welcomed the distraction and made my way to the stream. It’s gorgeous in spring, its banks overflowing with golden daffodils but today it droned on in silence, devoid of color as the slow-moving water made its way to the pond where the storks gather. Today, there was not one stork to be seen. They too had gone hiding from the oncoming force of nature. Standing at the tiny wooden bridge, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was peaceful but the unease was still there. Enclosed spaces are not my cup of tea and neither are deep dark forests. I moved on, got back on the path and made it to the fields.
My mind began to relax as I took in the wild open spaces before me. I was free again and standing at the bottom of the hill as I took in the panoramic view. It was grandiose even through there was no sun to speak of, only a light purple haze enveloping the distant mountains. It was beautiful just the same. Just a different kind of beautiful.
Contrasts are necessary to show the light and dark aspects of life and today nature decided to show my jaded mind, come rain or sunshine, there is always something beautiful about each aspect if only I would open my mind to it and embrace it with open arms to reap the full benefits. The rest of the walk was uneventful, an ordinary walk but my mind knew that if I kept my eyes peeled, I would capture the extraordinary. It was just a matter of time and if nature was willing to throw it my way. As the first droplets of rain hit the muddy path, I pulled my jacket tighter around me and ran back home leaving nature to do what it does best.
The ebb and flow of life was at work and who was I a mere mortal to question the order of the day or how it was brought about to life. Just accept and enjoy was the message and I bowed my head to its all-knowing wisdom. I was at peace.
Weakness is easy. It doesn’t take much to get you there. It could be brought about by the breakdown of a relationship or a situation in life that brings us to our knees. During those times, “weakness” will come around holding out its hands to us and more often than not we are more than willing to stay for awhile and wallow there in the darkness. Be very careful of weakness, it’s a false friend. It is inadequate, feeble, lacking in firmness and strength is not one of its attributes. Know when to let go and stand back up.
“We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it as not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Choose your lessons carefully. If you don’t want darkness than don’t stand in it. There are things that happen in life that we have no control over but there are the ones that we know exactly what we are getting into. For example, the people we choose to have relationships with knowing full well that we are headed for disaster from the get go or the things we shouldn’t do and yet it beckons and we go for it ignoring the consequences or choosing to go into the lion’s den knowing full well what is awaiting us there. Choose to stand in the light.
“If you want the light to come into your life, you need to stand where it is shining.” Guy Finley
Not always easy I know. Being strong when faced with adversity is not always doable. Being strong when standing in the dark and faced with the unknown is scary. Being strong when all you want to do is throw up your hands is one of the hardest things to do. I learned my hardest lessons not when things and situations were at their best but when they were at their most difficult. The lessons we learn when we are at our most vulnerable are the ones that help us as we make our way through life and the ones that help to shore us up for the lessons to come. The ones that teach us we are not breakable but pliable and like that tree that moves and bends as the wind picks up, we too are fully capable of handling whatever life throws our way.
“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” Bob Marley
Looks like rain moved in and it had rained last night. I had planned on a long walk this morning but had to think twice about being out there in the fields with the winds picking up speed. I looked for my raincoat that I bought last year but never had a chance to wear and it was just taking up space in my cupboard.
Today, I reached for it. It is a black and white striped number that has sweatshirt material sewn into the hoodie. Nice looking and since I was hell-bent on going for a walk, I slipped it on, paired it with a pair of maroon sweats and grey boots. Piling my long hair on my head and fastening it with a clip, face bare of anything except for a light lip conditioner and I was ready to go.
The wind was blustery as I approached the fields. The indigo-colored clouds seemed to be holding more rain. They were moving in waves across the mountains. Nothing else was moving out there except for the occasional crow flying overhead and the pigeons grazing in the fields. The farmers had done a good job of clearing away the cornfields and the rapeseed plants were down to the roots.
I walked hands shoved into my pockets. It wasn’t cold but the wind was strong and I was glad I had my hair up because the wind was doing a job picking out strands as they whipped around my face. Something about the wind when it pulls and tugs. I like the feel of it brushing against my face. All was quiet today except for the cawing of a lone crow or two. Fall was definitely moving in on silent feet. Soon the leaves will start to turn and then they will fall and gather on the ground. It will be colder and much nicer for walks!
The walk took all of 40 minutes but my mind is clearer, my thoughts are taking shape and I am thankful for a brand new day. I know not what this day will hold and if it will be good or bad. However, I know I am equipped to handle whatever comes my way just as nature is doing.
“And then, just like that, my heart broke. My face crumpled, my composure went and I held him tightly and I stopped caring that he could feel the shudder of my sobbing body because grief swamped me. It overwhelmed me and tore at my heart and my stomach and my head and it pulled me under, and I couldn’t bear it. I honestly thought I couldn’t bear it.” Jojo Moyes
That last line held me in its grip and I went along for the ride for as long as it took. “I couldn’t bear it,” was my mantra when the dream splintered into a thousand pieces and lay in fragments at my feet. “This couldn’t be happening to me!” was my other cry but none of that mattered because the end had arrived and there was no going back to what was.
Cheating is one of the most despicable things one human being can do to another. If truth be told, it happens all the time. It has become a norm in this easy come, easy go world of ours. When it happens, you find yourself going under, and in my case I lost my best friend, a long-time life partner I had known and trusted for a long time. The aftermath is hard to describe. I went from a confident woman to someone I didn’t recognize anymore. There was sadness and of course tears but that line, “I couldn’t bear it,” was the slogan that kept me in the hole that someone else had dug for me.
However, let me tell you, YOU are fully capable of bearing it! It may seem like all is lost and you may feel like you’re looking at absolute darkness but I assure you that you’ll find your way into the light as I did. It took courage, strength, forgiving yourself for what wasn’t your fault and to slowly rise again. Rise again you must because you have no other choice! Let me also tell you that you are enough and those “fragments” of a shattered heart will learn to mend itself. You will learn to look at love and life through different glasses and the next time around when love walks in, you will know better.
“Over the years, confusing fragments, lost corners of stories, have a clearer meaning when seen in a new light, a different place.” Michael Ondaatje
I’ve changed from that young and trusting person I used to be. I thought love once yours would remain forever. I gave my trust to a man who had vowed to love me forever, had called me the love of his life and because best friends don’t hurt each other, I had thought we would make it to the very end. Wrong!
However, I can’t change what I want.
“And that was the cause of my heartache. I wanted everything or nothing at all. I’m not impressed by bits, parts, or almost. I’m a seeker of that which is whole, full, and complete. Completely mine or completely not.” Unknown
If that is in the cards for me is left to be seen. Only time will tell. You can overcome the insurmountable and even though you will carry those scars for a lifetime, you are built to survive. You are strong, you are resilient and you are beautiful. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror after it happened. I felt UGLY! It took time to overcome that as well.
Cheating causes emotional turmoil, mental health issues, a trust deficit, low self-esteem and sometimes PTSD-like symptoms. Sounds daunting doesn’t it? IT IS! However, the YOU within is capable of overcoming pain and resilient enough to overcome the challenges that it entails.
“You’re not broken. You’re just becoming. Unfolding slowly – like petals in spring. Give yourself time. ”
AND
“What sticks to memory, often are those odd little fragments that have no beginning and no end….” Tim OBrien
Be kind to yourself, love yourself, build yourself up and learn that those “fragments” which were part of your yesterday can help you towards a better tomorrow. Here’s the thing, YOU CAN BEAR IT!
We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.
Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.
He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.
We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.
He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.
Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”
I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.
This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.
What is human nature? One explanation refers to “the fundamental characteristics, ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that are generally considered to be inherent to human beings.” One can say we are pre-programmed to act in a certain way when faced with certain situations but nurture and social experiences do play a part in shaping individual behaviors as to how we react to certain outside stimuli.
Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter.
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity and I ‘m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
“It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.” Anatole France
I totally agree with this assumption. Been there and done that many times over!
“Human nature is deeply ingrained despite our best efforts difficult to change.” Unknown
This one shines the spotlight on the problem itself. Stupidity and stubbornness sometimes or often go hand-in-hand making it a lose-lose situation.
“It’s human nature to remember only what you want to remember and forget what you want to forget, or transform it into a different story.” Unknown
We are all good storytellers so I definitely agree with the transformation part so much so to our own detriment.
“I hate it when people argue in public and I’ve missed the beginning so I don’t know whose side I’m on.” Unknown
This too is human nature.
“People will question all the good things they hear about you but believe all the bad without a second thought.” Unknown
Human nature at its best?
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.” Unknown
ME TOO!
“Even if you give them everything that they ask for, it’ll never be enough.” Unknown
Are we talking about men here?
Finally….
THE LAWS OF HUMAN NATURE
“You are not a pawn in a game controlled by others; you are an active player who can move the pieces at will and even rewrite the rules.” Robert Greene
There you go. You are not stuck where you are and you have the ability to change your life. You just need to start moving in the right direction. What about human nature? Tell it to take a hike!
I made it early to the fields this morning and the sun was already high up in the sky after hiding for several days. We’ve had rain, wind, and more rain. I decided to take advantage of the nice weather before everybody else had the same idea. Unfortunately, there were people already there with the same idea in mind!
The fields were like they used to be but only this time it looked a little untidy. What happened to the regimented way of caring for nature? The farmers around here keep it in tip-top form but it seems like they’ve let go for a little while. The Rapeseed plants are still there reaching to the skies, no longer pretty but dull and brown. The pathway I was on was narrow and on both sides the plants stood unrelenting and covering my view. A feeling of claustrophobia knocked at my door but I took a deep breath and kept on walking. I needed to be outside today and I needed nature to do its thing of calming me.
I was told to watch out for deer among the plants. It seems they sit crouched within the plants with only their brown backs showing. “Be careful,” was the message because they do jump out at times and if you’re in the way, well you know. So I kept my eyes peeled but nothing seemed to spell trouble. It was quiet out and the air was crisp and fresh, the way I like it. I decided to go by the forest way just for a change and although it is not my favorite route, I decided that the quiet and calm would do me good. It did. There was something soothing about the birds chirping in the trees and a lone Woody Woodpecker knocking at some tree trunk. I couldn’t see it but it was there and although it was loud, I took it in stride. Anything to keep my mind from thinking!
Then I saw it, a lone blue Heron standing all by itself in the middle of the field like a lone sentinel keeping watch. A sign of a good omen? Certain cultures swear that a heron sighting brings good luck. Fingers crossed! As I passed it, I sensed it watching me but it made no move to leave and I left it there to enjoy the morning as I was doing. Walks in nature are a great way to refresh the soul, to put a different perspective on things and to calm an agitated mind. It was doing all that this morning and then I noticed the dark clouds in the distance. I guess we’re not over the rain yet. Oh well, it’s time for another cup of coffee and to be thankful for all that I have especially the gorgeous fields that give me so much pleasure and peace.
We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.
Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.
He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.
We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.
He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.
Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”
I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.
This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.
I woke up to the sounds of rain not pitter-pattering outside but coming down in a steady deluge. Cuddled up under the covers with Chachi, the cat, the sound was soothing.
It looks like the rain has moved in and it is planning to stay for awhile. The ground has been parched for lack of water in recent weeks so this intermittent rain is much sought after not only by the plant life but by the farmers as well. I, on the other hand, have a soft spot for rain. I don’t like the kind that is accompanied by thunder and lightning but this soft and steady variety is just my cup of tea or coffee for that matter.
Standing at the big window in the kitchen, coffee cup in hand and Chachi right by my side, I notice that the wind is picking up and it is going to be a wet and blustery day.
Chachi goes: “The TV is acting up Mommy!”
He’s right. There is none of the usual calmness with birds singing in the trees. The sky is grey and the bamboo fronds in the neighbor’s garden is doing a slow dance moving in symphony to the rhythm of the rain. There is beauty in the movement and as I let my gaze take in the scene before me, I realize that nature in all its wisdom has a way of accommodating everything that comes its way. There is much we can learn from it just by standing still and observing. It’s a hard thing to do I know because life sometimes moves at a faster pace than we want it to.
I know Chachi, the cat, will adjust to the erratic movements going on outside the window and I will up my workout routine today and add Tai Chi to match what is happening outside. It’s a day that calls for lots of coffee and perhaps a slice or two of cheesecake! It’s going to be a beautiful day and I wish you the same.
“The beauty of rain, it’s like a symphony from the sky. Pounding drums on my roof, serenades on my windows. An angelic ballet of raindrops dancing around in my garden. A spectacle I could witness for the rest of my days.” N.C.
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