mood – Page 2 – Site Title

LOL!

Okay guys, this one is a little naughty but I thought it was hilarious!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman seated over there’

….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply

to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her

and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,

a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,

a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami,

and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’😂

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife.

“Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered.

“Put that son of a bi**h on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!

🤣🤣🤣

Yup, I’ve got one of those. Little Einstein knows more than I do!

LOL!

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas…..although still silent, it stinks terribly.”

“Good,” the doctor says, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Photo by Mark Angelo Sampan on Pexels.com

A wife decides to take her husband James to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey James, how you doing?”

His wife’s puzzled and asks if he’s been to the club before.

“Oh no,” says James. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they were seated, a waitress asks James if he’d like his usual and brings him over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“Oh, she’s in the ladies bowling league, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around James, and says, “Hi James, want your usual table dance, big boy?’

James’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. James follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She’s screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabbie turns around and says,

“Looks like you’ve picked up a real bi**ch tonight, James.”

BOOM!

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Christmas Jingle

It is storming with gale force winds outside and I decided that Honey and Hubie needed some cheering up! Let’s amp up the Christmas music since that time of year is just around the corner and cozy up with a book and good cheer!

LOL!

Two Italian men get on a bus….

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first.

Den I come.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.

“In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey coola down lady,” said the man.

“Who talkin’ about sexa?”

“I’m ajusta tellin’ my frienda how to spell Mississippi!”

Yup, that’s a hard word to spell!

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said…

“Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

“Well,” said Mr. Johnson. “I was looking over your test and the question was,

“Who was the first president?” and the little girl who sits next to you, Mary, put “George Washington,” and so did you.

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who freed the slaves?”

Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson.

The next question was, “Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?”

Mary put, “I don’t know,” and you put, “Me neither.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Curtis and Leroy bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis and Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.” The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?” Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” Leroy said, We shore can! We don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!” A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They say, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.” Leroy said, “We sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Curtis said, “Well, the fella who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They’re overseeing the Bailout and Stimulus Programs.

🤣🤣🤣

I’m dying to say something but I’ll keep my mouth shut!

LOL!

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar, and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked at the biggest one in the face, and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word.

His buddies were confused, because he was a badass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing.

His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder, and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

LOL!

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband

P.S: Sure is hot down here.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A 54-year-old accountant left this letter for his wife one evening.

“Dear Wife, I am 54 but by the time you read this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.”

When he arrived back home after his visit to the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read:

“Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you read this letter, I will still be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You needn’t wait up for me. Being an accountant, you can appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”

BOOM!