Couldn’t have said it better myself. Time to put those items into practice. The hardest will be the last one. I do overanalyze everything to the point that I start out with something small and by the time I finish with it, it has been blown to gigantic proportions.
Meanness exists in all forms and it is out there. However, I want to talk to you about the people you let into your inner circle, the ones who have been given direct access to you and the ones who have the opportunity to take aim and wreck havoc in your life. The ones who show you that meanness is not only out there in the world but that it is much closer to home and if given the chance, it can bring you down to your knees.
Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
There is so much truth in that one little quote. The problem is we see it, we know that it is not good for us but we keep hoping for change, hoping that the person will change for the better and show you something different but it never happens. Perhaps, it is in their DNA and change in any form will not be forthcoming. At times it is a bitter pill to swallow but still we hang on hoping for the best and all we get is the same old stuff or worse. It is time to do different.
The world is not made up of sugar and spice and all things nice. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. There are those who won’t hesitate to hurt you, play with your heart, those who will use their actions to show you how little you mean to them and there are those who will break you simply because they can.
“It’s hard to be nice when the rest of the world is so mean.” Sarah Dessen
Step out into the world knowing that not everyone is nice. Pay attention to what is being shown to you. Their actions will speak louder than words. Are they liars/cheaters? Did they show you that they are and later came up with excuses for their indiscretions? Excuses or not, they’ve shown you that you can’t trust them. Believe them and take it from there. A liar/cheater is someone who takes you lightly. If you had meant more to them, they wouldn’t have gone down that path of no return. If you’re thinking they’ll change, think again. Once a cheater always a cheater. It’s somehow wired into their DNA and each time they get away with it, they become more emboldened. Betrayers betray you when it suits them. You are the last thing on their mind when they decide to cheat. It’s all about them so remember that because giving them a second chance is like, “Setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.” Breaking a heart is not a small matter but it is to them. People who truly value you will not hurt you that way and that right there is the truth of the matter.
“You define your own life. Don’t let other people write your script.” Oprah Winfrey
Always remember your life is important. You are worthy of having good people around you and leave the mean ones out of the picture. The jealous types will make you feel like you’re guilty of doing something wrong all the time. Just because someone smiled at you, you’re at fault. If someone shows you attention, they go off the deep end. These types are insecure about themselves so everything you do is somehow not to their liking. You define your own life and stay away from these control freaks. You have nothing in common with them and love is not about control. You deserve a relationship where you can co-exist with mutual respect, love, tolerance and freedom. The freedom to be as you are. Write your own script and do it well. Get rid of all the things that do not serve you and move forward with confidence knowing that the right person is out there and waiting.
Work on finding the right people to help you build your world. The ones who will stand by you, add value to your life, be there when times are tough but most of all the ones who will show you through their actions that they are willing to make a mean world better by being the kind of people you deserve. Do not settle for anything less. Choose your friends carefully but more importantly guard your heart, know your worth and place boundaries where they need to be placed. It’s a mean world out there and not everyone is going to look out for you. You’ll have to learn if the people within your inner circle are destroyers or builders. Get rid of the destroyers, the ones who sap your energy, bring you down and are just fair-weather friends and hold onto the builders because they’re the ones who want to see you thrive and succeed in whatever you choose to do.
“It’s unfortunate because people have become so comfortable being mean.” Rachel Lindsay
Quite often, we let the people we interact with on a daily basis and the world around us with its idiosyncrasies and events that happen to us interpret how we feel, how we react and how much worth we give it and if we are important or not in the grand scheme of things. I am guilty as charged.
The Dalai Lama said it best, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”
Yet we do it time and time again. Just yesterday, a girlfriend broke up with her so called boyfriend. He was for all purposes a NO-GO as far as I was concerned and it was clear for all to see including her but she was in a difficult place nonetheless. Finding out she was “not important” was a devastating cross to bear even if she saw it coming. Yet, this is nothing new. We hand over how important we are in a relationship to the other person and forget in the process that YOU as a person matter and you define how important you are and what you will stand for and what you won’t put up with.
“When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies and no broken promises.” Unknown
Relationships are hard enough as it is to navigate without having to deal with the “invisible man,” meaning the guy who says he loves you but when it comes down to showing you that you are important, he shows time and again that YOU are an afterthought and as far as the importance scale goes you are on the bottom rung of the ladder. The disappearing act happens not once, not twice but over and over again. No guessing game needed here. It is up to you to put yourself front and center and to say enough is enough!
“You are important and you matter.
Your voice matters.
Your life matters.
Your feelings matter.
Your story matters.
ALWAYS.” Unknown
Let me add to that. You as a person matter and don’t let anyone take you for granted either.
One Day It Just Clicks
“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself.
You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile.
You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Steve Maraboli
Finally,
“Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher.” Unknown
You are well worth the effort and don’t let anyone show you otherwise. Your worth is determined by you, so stand tall and show the world that YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
Most of us cringe at the thought of doing the hard things. Be it a break-up, walking away, losing a job and letting go of things that no longer serve us, it is an exceptionally hard thing to do. It is not something we look forward to because it means taking the bull by the horns and waging war on what seems to be an impossible task at first. Given time, patience, perseverance and a hard-headed look at what needs to be done to get to the other side, we find it is doable but not easy.
Easy is not what life is about. If anything, easy is not in its vocabulary. It seems at times that “living” is about going through the hard stuff. Sometimes one and sometimes a string of unsolvable and often times impossible situations but you and I know that it is those hard times and how you deal with it that brings out the strength in you. Sure, it would be easier if we didn’t have to deal with them but when has that stopped life from throwing it our way?
Where would we be without them? Probably having a great time without having to walk through the minefield of the hard stuff all equipped and designed to bring you down to your knees if you make a false move. There is no right or wrong way of going about it, it is trial and error and an undying resilience to take what is handed to you and to make it work for you. We’ve all made those false moves where we’ve crashed and burned and just when you think there is nothing left to do except to pick up the pieces and make the most of it, there is light at the end of the dark tunnel. There is that open door that beckons because as you know when one door closes, another one opens but it is human nature or at least it is mine to look past it and back at the one that has closed and is no longer available.
“Hard things are hard because there are no easy answers or recipes. They are hard because your emotions are at odds with your logic. They are hard because you don’t know the answer and you cannot ask for help without showing weakness.” Ben Horowitz
The hard stuff has kept me captive for longer than I want to admit. Truth is, I don’t do “HARD” well. Holding on is my nemesis, letting go of things that no longer serve me is harder still and moving on, well that is an impossible task at times. I hold on hoping that changes will come my way but it never does. Things happen for a reason, people are the way they are because they are wired that way and looking and hoping is not going to change things. However, whatever life throws your way, there is a lesson in there somewhere but it is hard to see when it first hits you. I think we fail miserably at times because we walk in circles, bang our heads on that closed door and refuse to move on until we are drained of energy and there is nothing else to do but to walk through that open door. Human nature at its best? I think so.
We are fully capable and have the strength within to meet the hard stuff head on and to tame it if necessary. It is the fear of the unknown in sync with the weakness within that works hand-in-hand to stop us in our tracks, makes us tremble where we stand as we whisper, I can’t. You and I have had our baptism by fire in one form or another, of this I am sure. The hard thing is just one more obstacle to overcome, nothing more, nothing less. We tend to make it more than what it is. Life is a never-ending circle of challenges in the form of “hard things” to overcome. It is mixed in with the good stuff but it is the hard stuff that brings forth the real you. Your strength, your power and most of all your ability to slay it where it stands takes courage, growth and an attitude of never giving up which will put the “hard stuff” in its place. Who knows if shown the door more often than not, it might decide to stay away. We can hope can’t we?
“I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things.” Glennon Doyle
He’s the wrong guy if he does some or all of the things below. There are reasons why he’s the wrong guy so pay attention to your heart and listen to your intuition. It has your best interest at heart. The following quotes clearly speak to the heart of the matter.
“So many girls fall in love with the wrong guy simply because the wrong guy usually says all the right things.” Unknown
“The wrong man will always find reasons to leave. While, the right man will always find enough reasons to stay.” Unknown
“The wrong person makes you beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you.” Unknown
“The right attention from the wrong guy during a lonely time could fool you into thinking he might be the one.” Unknown
Loneliness creates dire circumstances and this is one of them. Finding our way to the wrong guy is made so much easier when loneliness steps in.
“Don’t settle. It’s better to face a little loneliness now than a lifetime of loneliness with the wrong person.” Mandy Hale
“When it’s the wrong person, anything you ask is too much.” Steve Maraboli
“At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.” Unknown
Pay special attention to this one because with the wrong guy, it is never enough. Nothing you do will be enough and he’ll find excuses for why that is so. It is not you, it is him.
“Never let the wrong man waste your time and precious energy.” Unknown
If he’s the right one, he’ll find his way to you. If he’s not, he’ll be gone in a blinding minute. Sit up and take notice before it’s too late. The wrong guy is not your destiny but rather he walks in to teach you a lesson. Love is not made up of moments spent together, IT IS moments treasured together and the wrong guy will just provide lip service with no substance to it and when it comes down to showing he cares, he’s nowhere to be found. The wrong guy will walk at a moment’s notice and will even tell you to leave while the right one will weather the storm and sometimes even walk you through that storm. Wait for that person and do not settle for anything less than love, respect and commitment.
“Ladies, the right man for you will pursue you. Actively. He won’t leave you wondering whether he’s into you or not.” Mandy Hale
AND
If you want to find happiness, stay the hell away from a**holes! This is something I have to drill into my head as well.
Fake friends are, “people who pretend to care about you but don’t actually have your best interests at heart. Also known as false friends or fair-weather friends, they tend to act like friends only when it benefits them.” http://www.verywellmind.com
I’m sure you’ve had one or two of these characters as so called friends and perhaps you still do. They’re opportunistic, insincere, and are only interested in what they can gain from the relationship and couldn’t care one iota less about you. When it comes to “showing up” in times of need, they are nowhere to be found.
Here’s how to identify fake friends:
They show little or no interest in you, your life and your problems. It is all about them.
They’ll approach you when they need your help but are invisible when you need theirs.
Their support is based on conditions, only when it benefits them.
They bring negative vibes into your life because they are in a negative place themselves.
They are jealous and they try to compete with you rather than be happy for you.
They break your trust by talking behind your back.
Spending time with them often drains your energy and leaves you feeling like there is something missing.
That’s because there is. A true friend is someone who helps you up when you’re down but you can forget about this concept with “false friends.”
Here are some quotes that help to bring the message home.
“Everybody isn’t your friend. Just because they hang around you and laugh with you doesn’t mean they are your friend. People pretend well. At the end of the day, real situations expose fake people, so pay attention.” Unknown
“Fake friends are like actors, they play their part until the curtain falls.” Unknown
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.” Steve Irwin
“Fake friends stab you and pretend they are the ones bleeding.” Unknown
“Stop texting first and see how many dead plants you’ve been watering.” Unknown
I love this one and it does speak to the heart of the matter.
“A two-faced friend is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, hiding their true intentions behind a mask of friendship.” Unknown
“An open enemy is often a better thing to have than a false friend.” Unknown
“Sometimes the person you are willing to take the bullet for is the one who pulls the trigger.” Unknown
Choose your friends carefully and if one of these wolves in sheep’s clothing show up proclaiming friendship, you know what to do.
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” Walter Winchell
AND
“Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things.” Paulo Coelho
“You don’t deserve a half-hearted love. You don’t deserve someone who can only promise you pieces and not the whole. You don’t deserve someone who’s walking around investing time in other some ones. You don’t deserve a person who can’t commit.” Marisa Donnelly
Have you ever fallen for an emotionally-unavailable man? Have you ever wondered why you’re on a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs and you don’t know if you’re coming or going? If you’re caught up in a never-ending cycle of being taken for a ride, it’s time to get off.
An emotionally unavailable man is typically defined as, “not willing or able to truly commit to you and be loyal to you. This type of man will often want to keep things casual and undefined so as to not deal with any of the emotional components that go into a long-term relationship.”
The problem is even though these men are not available, it doesn’t stop them from being out there on the dating scene. They don’t want long-term but pretend that they do. They send out mixed signals and at times it seems like they want “forever” but it is more in their mind than anything else. The message they deliver is a confusing one and just when you think that you’ve found the one, they’ll show you different in a not so nice way. They’re there one minute, ghost you the next or worse still take up with someone else right before your very eyes. This is a relationship where you’re the non-entity and it is all about them.
How do you know if they’re emotionally unavailable? Here are some signs according to Victoria Miretti.
They cannot say they are looking for a long term committed relaitonship.
They don’t court you.
They struggle to have emotional or in depth conversations.
Their words and actions don’t match.
They are inconsistent.
You don’t experience a steady upward progression in the relationship.
I had the unfortunate experience of meeting one such person. He walked in like a hurricane ready to sweep everything away in his path and I was just coming out of a storm. He had all the makings of “the guy.” The relationship if you can call it that took off like a whirlwind but each time we got close, he took 10 steps back. I noticed the hesitation and put it down to fear because I was feeling the same thing. The problem was I was willing to settle for crumbs knowing full well that they were crumbs because I was coming from a place of lack myself. Having just lost a special someone, I was looking for a relationship. It was a perfect meeting of the minds. The only problem, it wasn’t enough and I knew what a good relationship should look like. This one was sorely lacking but I put up with the charade.
“Life is too short for half-hearted connections and meaningless run-throughs.” Unknown
Low-effort men do not invest in you because they can’t. They find it easy to walk away and take up with someone new in a matter of days or more specifically even before the relationship has ended because their emotions don’t run very deep and hurting someone is part and parcel of how they operate. It is a place where nothing affects them because their heart is under lock and key. A no man’s land or rather a no woman’s land as far as they are concerned. So why even be out there? I guess everyone needs love and if you hurt someone along the way what’s the big deal, right? The problem is, it is a big deal to the person who gets hurt in the process.
“Never put them first, if you always come last. Never give your all, if you only get half.” Unknown
If you’ve read my article, “Dating No-Gooders,” you’ll know that they are out there along with all the others that give “dating” a bad name. One false move will get you to where you don’t want to be. If you’re looking for Mr. Right, know that it is a dangerous world out there so step lightly. If he’s unavailable and shows the signs from the get go, leave him alone and move on. Some people cannot love you the way you want to be loved AND you’re too valuable to settle for anything less or for half-hearted connections.
How do you know if he’s emotionally available? According to singleover30.net, here are some signs to look out for.
If a man is present with you when he is with you, that’s a good sign.
This is not always true from my experience. The person I knew was all there when we spent time together and gave me the impression that he wasn’t shying away from anything but he was emotionally unavailable and hence the confusion.
He is comfortable talking about his feelings.
He is willing to talk about the progression of the relationship.
He won’t waste your time with half-hearted promises.
“Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don’t.” Stephen King
Standing before me, he looked tall and lean, his face showing concern and looking a little older, the grey showing at his temples as he said, “You’ve got to learn to forgive. Sometimes bad things happen and YOU just need to forgive, forget and move on.”
I watched him, my face showing nothing. This was the man who had once meant the world to me. He had never once apologized for his hand in the heart break he had caused me. The damage was done and he had simply walked away like I was yesterday’s news.
There are no more tears to cry, no more gut-wrenching pain and no more feelings of any kind. I was done and his empty words held just that, NOTHING of any kind. He moved towards me but I took a step back. A long time ago, I had run into his arms so willingly but that was back then when we were in love and the world was a much better place.
We are two strangers now. Our history together a thing of the past, the love we had shared written somewhere in the stars for all eternity and the heart he had so carelessly and so willingly broken had learned to heal but it will never forget the crumbling, the breaking and the realization that this same man I had once loved was capable of wielding such pain.
Love hurts and heart break is painful. Hearts break all the time, it is nothing new. “I’m sorry” sometimes takes a long time coming and in some cases it never does. However, those words don’t have the power to erase the pain and neither do they take away the hurt you carry in your heart. Perhaps, the words are just a defense mechanism men use to shield themselves from their wrong doing and to walk away with their guilty conscience intact. Whatever the case maybe, sorry doesn’t cut it. It is so lacking in every aspect but I don’t know what else can make up for it.
We stood watching each other, his eyes hiding secrets and mine devoid of feeling. It was awkward to say the least. Yet my heart screamed, “You know him well don’t you? You had loved him with all of your heart once a long time ago.”
The truth is he had loved me too. He had called me his soulmate and the love of his life but somewhere along the way, he became someone else. When that someone new walked in, he took off running and left me holding a bag of broken dreams and a shattered heart broken beyond repair.
Today, there are no more tears, no anger, no despair, no nothing. I watched as he walked out the door and as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the heartbreak had changed me. I had grown stronger. I had learned to put my broken heart back together again piece by piece. The cracks still show but I guess they always will as a reminder of the pain I had gone through. Forgiveness? It will take a long time coming. I hope one day I can say the words he wants to hear. “I forgive you.” Not yet, it is going to take time and that is alright too.
“People think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value.
The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” Unknown
“Recognize your own worth and you won’t be drawn to those who don’t see it.” Doe Zantamata
According to medium.com, “Your value is directly linked to your belief. If you treat yourself like garbage, you’ll never appreciate your potential.”
It’s interesting how many of us walk into relationships expecting the other person to validate us in some way. We look to them to make us feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel that we are worthy and to make us feel special. Basically we hand over our power and energy to that person and wait to get reimbursed. When it doesn’t happen, we find ourselves in a dark place and beat ourselves down to a pulp.
The truth is, self-worth is your sense of self, your values and your belief that you are worthy of care, support and compassion. It basically means you value yourself enough to know the boundaries and limits and what you’ll accept and what you won’t. It is that feeling within you that says you are worthy and deserving of the right kind of love and that there is a balance in the relationship. If you’ve been doing the chasing and you’re the only one investing in the relationship with your time, energy and efforts and you are not getting or getting next to nothing in return, then it’s time to reevaluate and to take a good hard look at your self-worth. How much is it worth?
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” Anna Taylor
If your self-worth is lacking, here are some strategies to improve it from the people in the know. (verywellmind.com)
Do things you enjoy and are good at:
These help to reinforce your strengths and abilities and can make you more confident.
Exercise and challenge yourself:
Physical activity is linked to a greater sense of self-worth. It also helps to recalibrate your mindset and offers both physical and mental benefits.
Challenge negative thoughts:
Thoughts are not facts. Next time you have a negative self-thought, think of an alternative realistic thought to replace it.
Be kind to yourself.
Learn to be assertive.
Start saying “no!” I have to learn this one myself.
Focus on the positive.
It is important to have a healthy sense of self-worth because loving, respecting and valuing yourself starts with you. It is the first step towards gaining the same from others.
“Once you discover your true worth, walking away from where you are not valued will become the easiest hard thing you will ever do.” Unknown
If they don’t see you as valuable then don’t try to convince them. Remember the only person you need validation from is you. You are enough as you are, you are worthy, you deserve respect, your well-being matters and so does your emotional health. Work on your self-worth and you’ll start attracting the right kind of people, the kind who will respect your worth.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.” Unknown
AND
“Know your worth and then make sure to add tax.” Unknown
Just like that….it is over. The feelings and emotions crowding your mind and raging through your body are almost too much to bear. Disbelief, anger, sadness, numbness, confusion and rage could be some of the emotions taking hold and letting go gracefully is the last thing on your mind.
It is a normal reaction. Give it time to settle down even if it feels like it never will right now. It is done for, so let it go gracefully.
“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go.” Unknown
It is not easy to let go and it is downright scary. Suddenly it becomes real and very uncomfortable. Most of us look at it as a relationship ending and there is a mad scramble within to want to save what can’t be saved. What went wrong is the first question that comes to mind. The more pertinent question is, does it even matter? Crying over split milk is a lost cause and venting over lost time and energy even more so. Consider it a sunk cost and take steps to move on.
Did I neglect his needs, wants and feelings?
Did he neglect mine?
What led to the breakup?
Did he fall into me or was I the one doing the chasing running circles around him?
Did he hurt me intentionally? There is a difference between hurting someone and hurting someone intentionally. The latter is done with total disrespect knowing full well that the action taken will have repercussions and not of the nice kind.
More importantly, how much of what I didn’t want, did I tolerate?
The answers coming back could be eye-openers because, as women, we tend to have blinders on when it comes to love and relationships. What we wouldn’t tolerate normally are the very things we are quick to disregard when it comes to that special person in our life.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Unknown
Letting go is a grieving process. You’ll have to go through the grieving to get to the other side. There are five steps to the process. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There is a quote that goes like this:
“The buffalo is the only animal that runs into a storm rather than away from it.”
Why? It’s because, “they instinctively know that walking into a storm will get them out of the weather quicker, despite knowing they’ll suffer more up front.” Face your problems head-on with courage and determination and by spending time there instead of ignoring them you will be able to move past them more quickly and effectively.
However, if you don’t want to do all five of the grieving techniques, accept what has happened, don’t ponder too much on why it happened but know that sometimes:
“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Unknown
AND
“Some things break your heart but fix your vision.” Unknown
Let go gracefully and walk away with your dignity intact. Smile even if it hurts and turn the switch off. It is done for now and you’ll be fine.
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