LOL!

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic….” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language….things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…Please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”

“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these 4-letter words! Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh mama….words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”

Yup, that’ll do it!

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“Oh God,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: “You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

Hmm……..

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.

God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”

AND HE DID!

LOL!

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ADAM AND EVE

God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.

“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up….”

Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing men should have. Please! Give it to me Pleeease!”

On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name on the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.

“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

Eve asked, “What’s that?”

God said, “BRAINS.”

Ladies be happy we didn’t get that thing and how do you do a helicopter anyway?!!

Have an amazing day.

Dating Loopholes (Archives)

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Everyone knows that being out there in the dating scene is hard and not always an easy path to navigate. Not only is it filled with unknowns but meeting the right guy is made harder by the following characters who give ‘love’ a bad name.

The Scammers

If you’ve never met them, consider yourself lucky. Some of us are not that fortunate. They come across as ‘nice guys’ who had faced some form of tragedy in their lives. It is usually the loss of a loved one through an accident or illness. They often have a child they are raising alone and are usually well-heeled (or so they say) meaning they have BIG jobs and money to throw out the window. Here’s where it starts getting iffy. They fall in love immediately without having met you and they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. At some point they will hit you up for cash. It could come as a medical emergency, an oil-rig disaster or something as simple as leaving their credit card at home. Play it smart and give these losers a wide berth. The only thing they’re interested in is your hard-earned cash and nothing more.

The Volatile Type

This loose cannon should be in anger management training but he’s out there, more like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. At first glance a regular guy, but on closer inspection, a bomb waiting to explode. It doesn’t take but the slightest nudge and he’s off and running spewing volcanic ash in his wake. Here again, keep your distance and DO NOT ENGAGE! You’ll be in a losing battle if you do.

The Egomaniac

An egomaniac is “someone who thinks only of themselves and does not care if they harm other people in order to get what they want.” He usually walks in like he has the world at his feet and thinks it is all about him. Beautiful women are his target but he’ll settle for less if they’ll spruce up his ego in return. He thinks the world of himself and his over-inflated ego is his best buddy. Together they’re an unbeatable team so stay away if you want to walk away with your heart intact.

The Sugar Daddies (aka Sugar Grand Daddy)

I’m sure you’ve heard of Sugar Daddies, they are defined as “a rich, older man who gives money, gifts, etc., to someone (such as a young woman) in exchange for sex, friendship, etc.” They’re out there but I’m talking about the new breed of old men. They’re are in their 80’s and looking for the last “Hurrah!” They want much younger women or YOUNGER-looking women and they’re up front by saying, “I don’t want the ‘Grandma’ types. They are like J. Howard Marshall looking for their Anna Nicole Smith types or Rupert Murdoch, where young, beautiful, and nothing up there will do. The problem with these types is that in actuality they’re looking for a nurse to take them to the end of the road. They don’t like being alone, no one does, so they’re in a rush to batten down the hatches before it is too late. Money is no problem and if a few wrinkles and loose skin get in the way, so what is their motto. Be very clear about what you’re getting into. Most times, they have children who are waiting in the fringes ready to pounce when ‘daddy’ dearest says goodbye so it may not always go as planned, if you’re waiting for that big pay day which might never come. It’s not always a win-win situation with these guys.

There you have it, four more types to watch out for. Dating is not for the weak of heart and neither can you go in with your eyes closed. It takes ‘smarts’ to find the right guy and chutzpah to wiggle your way out if he turns out to be the wrong one. Stay safe.

“If dating a wrong person was a talent, I would be at Paris Olympics representing my country.” Unknown

Update:

I’m still looking for the needle in the haystack but currently taking a break from the dating scene to go within and to find out why I keep making the same mistakes like falling for the wrong types. I am finding some answers but clarity is not there yet. So until I do, dating is on the backburner.

LOL! (6)

It’s Monday and time for a laugh to get the new week started!

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Computer Gender….

A man who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands the internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Hmm….

Good one but incase you’re wondering computers are gender neutral.

LOL! (5)

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I thought this was funny but you may think different!

Two New Elements Discovered!: WO and XY…

From Christopher G. Worley, Los Alamos Laboratory

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong afinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

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Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good Methane source. Good samples and are able to produce large quantities on demand.

CAUTION: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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Men vs. Women

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It’s another rainy day and the wind is picking up speed and like the wolf in the Three Little Pigs, it is threatening to huff, puff and blow the house in! Well, not that strong but my imagination is on overdrive today. What’s that got to do with the topic at hand you ask? Nothing except the rainy day has got me thinking again so I went looking to see how we do things differently because we do. I found plenty to write about but decided to keep it light, airy and funny to boot. Enjoy.

“One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.”

“Men say they don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die, well I don’t trust anything with 2 heads and only 1 brain!”

“A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet women is usually mad.”

Menstruation

Menopause

Mental breakdowns

Notice how all women’s problem begin with men.”

When a woman says, “WHATT,” it’s not because she didn’t hear you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

When a man says, “WHAT?” it’s not because he didn’t hear you. He is giving himself some time to think what to answer when he is screwed!”

Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

YOU STILL LOOK twenty one from a distance.

I loved this one. Was he still standing after this one?

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.

Woman:

I told you I’ll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Top 7 things men do to upset women:

Lie

Be Honest

Not Talk

Talk too much

Not show emotions

Be too emotional

Breathe

That’s like damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

MAN

Conquers nations

Frees slaves

Invents penicillin

Builds great structures

Discovers America

Fights terrorists

Lands on the moon

Dies in battle to save another soldier

What a man? What a man? What a mighty good man huh?

Woman

Gives birth to all men

The last one for good measure.

“I’m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.”

Hmm…on the other hand, just about anywhere is fair game for men I would say.