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This Thing Called Love (4)

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We sat across from each other, his gaze direct but hooded and mine trying not to look at the face I knew so well. He looked older, a touch of grey showing at his temples and there is a beard now where there was none before. He is still tall and lanky but a slight pouch is clearly visible. There was a certain sadness emanating from him but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

We talked about the one thing that still binds us. He says, “I’m so proud of him. He’s learning to handle things on his own.” I nod, silence filling the air. Something inside me wanted to scream, “You weren’t there half the time! I was left holding the bag when you took off in search of greener pastures.” Instead, I keep my gaze averted and try desperately to hold on to the strength within. The one I’ve been building brick by brick since he left and I wasn’t about to let his words bring it all down crushing into nothingness. He has that effect on me. Why wouldn’t he? I had been married to him and our life together had lasted 16 years. We had started out as best friends and later when love stepped in, it led to marriage and parenthood. Somewhere along the way, he decided to let it all disintegrate and go up in flames when his EGO decided to step in and he let “arrogance” do the rest.

Staring at me, he asked, “How are you doing?” his voice tinged with concern. And then he said, “I’m not a bad guy.” I felt the tears cloud my eyes but I scrambled to keep my calm facade in place like my life depended on it! I said softly, “I’m fine.” He nodded.

He didn’t know that I had called myself, “damaged goods” when it went down. He didn’t know that I had called myself a bird with clipped wings and that I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time and neither did he know that the unbearable pain had made me put my heart under lock and key and to throw away the keys! So “I’m fine” doesn’t even begin to address all that I went through.

We continued as two strangers making empty conversation. Once we had talked about everything. Our talks had been filled with warmth, love and laughter but that was a long time ago when “love” meant something and “hurt” was a long ways off.

He uncrossed his long legs looking uncomfortable. We had stopped giving each other the meaningless hugs each time we met. Then he had stopped saying, “I still care about you.” I couldn’t bear hearing it anymore. So it was better this way.

Today, it was all about the boy we had brought into this world. Recently, he has been showing more interest in being a good father and I am thankful. Suddenly, he stood up and stretched as if the stilted conversation between us had drained him. I said, “Take care of him.” He answered softly, “I will.”

I walked him to the door and stepping outside, the fresh air felt good. He turned and looked at me again, his eyes speaking volumes. Something within me wanted to jump over the fence I had placed around myself and to say, “Take care of yourself.” I felt this prickling of sympathy for someone who had lost his way and I wanted him to know, “It was going to be alright.” I couldn’t. Smiling a weak smile, I closed the door behind me.

This thing called love is something I will never understand for as long as I live. I know it has the tendency to turn your world upside down and to take you on a roller coaster ride but “ordinary” it is not. Sometimes it walks in silently and has you in its grip and at other times it dies a sudden death and you don’t know why. They say love makes the world go around, it does, but it is also a conundrum and sometimes it is better left alone but when has that stopped us from approaching it throwing caution to the winds. Some loves are forever, some loves are too hard to bear, some loves break your heart in pieces and some “loves” are better left alone.

The Profession I Admire

I was never a highly ambitious person and in my younger days when others were dreaming of changing the world, I had my head in the clouds. A dreamer so to speak. I never thought in terms of one particular profession, I was all over the place.

Writing was something I loved and having published my first short story in a well-known magazine at the age of 16, I wanted to do that all the time. The “high” was addicting. However, even though the story made cover page, I learned that writing didn’t pay well and I also learned that not all who write are writers after getting my share of rejections. Anyway, I got $600 for that story, back then a pretty good sum but still not enough to make a living on. I kept writing but other things stepped in. I would go on to publish more than a 1,000 articles but all done from the sidelines while I pursued more lucrative options. University was where I thought I wanted to be someone. One of the things I admired was speechwriter for the President no less! Journalism was next on my radar. However, writing about the mundane and sometimes about murders which required your actual presence at crime scenes made me step back and I nixed that idea quickly!

Fashion Editor was next. It was fun at first. Celebs, supermodels and designers were all part of my job. Then it got boring! Now, I’m a published author. Where that will take me I don’t know. The book will be out at the end of August and who knows if it is a success or a flop. It’s wait and see now.

Oh, one thing I admired as a young girl were the nuns. Yes, the habit wearing ones. I wanted to be just like them. I glamorized that vocation and I wanted to be in the service of God. Yes, you guessed it. Some of those daily bible study lessons had rubbed off on me! Unfortunately, I grew up! The boys came a calling and being a nun went out the window as well. My eyes do light up when I see them on the streets now and then!

I think I still have my head in the clouds but not as much as I used to. I don’t have any specific profession I admire, but the next time around I want to work at the White House where there is never a dull moment and life is never the same day in and day out!

Daily writing prompt

What profession do you admire most and why?

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Just Another Day

Have you ever had one of those days where you had it all planned out only to find out that life in its wisdom had other things planned?

I had a perfect Sunday planned. A nice restful sleep, get up whenever, breakfast in bed, cuddle with Chachi, the cat, and just hit the snooze button. I had all of that in mind when I got ready for bed last night. Feeling comfortable in my 3 sizes too big shirt, one of the perks of not having a guy by your side, I had done my nightly routine. Deep breathing, meditation and of course yoga. This ancient art form does wonders and I’m back to doing all the Pretzel twists that this requires short of headstands. Feeling good after torturing my body, I was ready for a goodnight’s rest with visions of a nice Sunday dancing in my head.

Guess what? Life had other plans. Waking up this morning, nice and early, I made a plan for the day. I was down to two piles of paperwork that needed sorting. My inner being, the one that sometimes has great ideas was whispering softly in my ears, “Let it all go to HELL!” Hmm…sounds like a great idea especially for a Sunday.

Then I glanced at my iPhone and noticed this message. “Updates are available, will install tonight.” Hmm…it has been saying that for the last two days! I am a Tech klutz as I’ve mentioned here before and this spelled trouble one that could throw my Sunday into something unrecognizable!

“Calm down!” I told myself. Reaching for my steady companion, I Googled! Why didn’t it do automatic updates as it had been doing? WHY?!! The answers came back. It could be shortage of space and a whole host of other things! Not good! A lazy breakfast in bed had flown out the window and now, I just wanted to get the update done but was afraid to press any buttons! The people at Apple are all about the updates! The Tech gods sitting up there somewhere keep coming up with new things all the time all in the name of security. The Fort Knox variety!

Anyway, I Googled for all I was worth! An hour later, I decided to take the plunge. Going to Settings and there grinning back at me was the latest update.

“Now what?” it said. “I dare you!”

I hit update and it immediately went to update followed by a blank screen! Nothing happened for a few minutes and then the Apple logo came on. It showed it was uploading or rather downloading? Who cares, it was doing something. How long? Google told me it could take 30 minutes to one hour. I was nervous.

I went downstairs to get my coffee and breakfast. Ten minutes later, I was back upstairs and it said, “Your iPhone has been updated!” Then it asked for my PIN and luckily I had it written down. Leaving nothing to chance these days! I put it in and it is up and running!

Just as I was taking a well-deserved deep breath, I glanced over at the floor where the sun was shining, and there clearly visible were the dust bunnies laughing their heads off!

“We’re back!” was all they said.

Just then, Chachi, the cat walked in wearing his macho pants.

“Mommy!”

ME: “I don’t want to hear it!”

That folks is the start of my Sunday!

Have an amazing day.

Things That Rattle!

Things that rattle can be used, “to describe things that are unsettling, unstable, or cause anxiety.”

Friday started out great. I was up early, the sun was out and I was ready to take a walk in nature. My mind was clear and devoid of unsettling stuff, the kind that accompanies me on my daily walks but yesterday, it had gone into hiding and for once, I was feeling like a blank slate not that it happens often. Most days that slate is overflowing with things that even Einstein would have a hard time figuring out.

Anyway, off I went to my favorite place in the world. The fields. It was quiet, calm and just waking up. However, the farmers were already there getting their tractors ready to break the silence. I waved and they waved back. Taking my usual route, I headed to the apple trees. Visibility was clear on both sides since the farmers had done their job of cutting down the Rapeseed plants. Claustrophobia was nowhere to be seen either. I did a quick walk and just as they started their engines, I headed back to tackle the day.

I was at peace and ready for another cup of coffee. The day was beginning on a good note. Just then, the phone started ringing, the sound jarring. It was too early for a phone call and probably nothing good I thought.

The voice on the other end sounded agitated.

SHE: “You forgot your appointment this morning.”

ME: “What appointment?”

SHE: “Your haircut appointment.”

Oh God! The rattling was taking off and the “peace” of a few minutes ago was shattered and in pieces at my feet!

A quick glance in my appointment book confirmed it but somehow I had the wrong date on it. The rattling was louder now. I apologized profusely and made a note to bring some chocolates the next time I showed up there.

The rest of the day took a deep dive because I was too busy wondering what I could do to make up to them. It’s funny how “small things,” can take you on a path of unrest, uneasiness, and total chaos! That blank slate was filling up at an alarming rate and not with anything of the good kind! Suddenly, the “new me” stepped in. The one who wants “peace” as her mainstay. No cape needed, all I had to do was to shut it down! The constant chattering was shown the door and not too ceremoniously either! I had made my peace with the situation and I will rectify it at a later point in time. Now it was enough. No more “what ifs,” just PEACE! It is amazing what your mind can do when told to “heel” in a no-nonsense tone. It took its cue and left me in peace.

“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” Dan Millman

Have an amazing Sunday.

NOTHING!

Photo by Anna Nekrashevich on Pexels.com

Grrr! Another question that I have no answers for!

First of all, I wouldn’t open up a shop. If I did, it would be one way to bring all the stress back into my life again. My life would be regimented and free time would be a thing of the past. So I wouldn’t open up a shop.

However, if I had to, I would have a shop with nothing in it. What kind of a concept is that? Mine. The sign at the entrance would say, “Come in and browse.” The shelves would be empty except for my table, it would have a laptop and some magazines to while away the time. If customers ask with a puzzled look on their faces, “What are you selling?”

ME: “Nothing.”

THEM: “Why do you have a shop then?”

ME: “Just because.”

THEM: “Just because what?”

ME: “Just because I was told to.”

THEM: “She’s crazy!”

ME: “You got that right!”

Nothing to clean up, nothing to stock up and no money coming in. Who cares?!! I’ll have my peace and if they, the customers come in they can look at me with a puzzled look all they want. I’ll call it the future way of shopping. Do your shopping via the internet and if you have to venture out, you have somewhere to go but nothing to buy!

My imagination is on overdrive today! Next question please…..

Daily writing prompt

If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?

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Emotional Deja Vu

It is described as, “a feeling of intense familiarity and strong emotions associated with a new experience.” Even though the experience is a new one, the “been there, done that” feeling creeps in and it can bring either dread or joy.

I think we’ve all been there, at some point in our lives, finding ourselves on the same rollercoaster ride time and time again. The same bad experiences keep popping up and no matter how hard we try, we come back to Square 1 before we take off again, back on that rollercoaster with another person who just happens to be the same type you left behind but in a different body!

Have you asked yourself why?

One source says it’s because those “old wounds” haven’t healed and you’re carrying them around like an albatross around your neck. It could be coming from an old relationship that didn’t work out, some trauma that happened along the way which showed you that you are not enough or it could go all the way back to your childhood where you learned that you have to perform and work for everything including relationships.

You make yourself small to fit in. You put up with disrespect. You make do with the blatant lies hoping he’ll change but he never does. You accept crumbs when you should have the whole feast!

You need to stop attracting and accepting low-value men. They are the ones who don’t think twice about cheating on you because they know that whatever they do, you’ll go along for the ride. You will try harder because in your book, love is about conforming to what is asked of you not of being accepted on equal terms. You hang on their every word like a puppy dog and you wait for their validation which never comes. You eat up everything they feed you including the BS! You’re willing to give their “ego” an additional boost by placing a halo on their head, one you’ve decided they deserve. Why? It’s because you find yourself lacking in one way or another. And so the cycle continues.

High-value men do not play games and they are not EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED either! They know how to treat a woman right and they are willing to meet you halfway with love, respect and common decency.

How do you break this pattern of attracting what you are used to and the one your heart knows well?

Break the programming! Something in your past has tattooed this message into your being. “I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve better!” You seek what is familiar to you, the hurts, the pain, the knowing, the red flags. You take it all in and are even comfortable with them. It is what you know best. If you don’t break this cycle, it is emotional deja vu over and over again.

Work on knowing the patterns that get you there. Take time out to find out what you want and be honest about it. Know that you’ll feel lonely having to walk it alone for a while. It is needed.

Remember this:

“You’re a first place girl…..not a “just incase girl!”

AND

“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken!”

SO HERE YOU GO!

Know who you are, know your self-worth, don’t settle for anything less and in time those rollercoaster rides will fizzle out. The one who’s meant for you will find you, this time to stay because YOU know exactly what you want and you are no longer settling for anything less than that!

Have an amazing day.

My Constant Companion

I can say many things like my ID, money, credit cards but I never thought I would say this! It is my iPhone. I was never a big cellphone, handy, mobile phone fan. I had something for emergencies and it worked just fine or rather I was more than content with it.

Along came my friend, a tech-savvy guy who was into all the latest gadgets! He couldn’t understand how I could survive with the thing I was carrying around. One birthday, we went to the next village to have dinner and as we walked past a computer store, his eyes lit up. “Let’s go in,” he said. They had everything and more as far as technology was concerned. He headed straight to the iPhone section. I was thinking he wanted something new for himself. Nope! He picked out the latest and it was a done deal. Then he handed it to me and said, “Part of your birthday present.” You don’t want to know what the other part was! Anyway, I had a brand new iPhone that could do hoops and much much more.

That’s when the Google addiction started. I was amazed at what I had at my fingertips! He is gone but that technology he gifted is a part of my daily life. I never leave home without it and it goes everywhere with me. There is a certain safety that comes with it because if caught outside with car troubles or I needed to call someone, it is there to fulfil my every wish. Sure, lesser and cheaper gadgets do that as well but not as efficiently as this does. Worth the money? Definitely. And it gives me peace of mind as well.

Daily writing prompt

What is the most important thing to carry with you all the time?

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This Thing Called Love (3)

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We know that love is elusive. We also know that it morphs and changes shape and just when you think you’ve found the one and only, it goes and shows you something different.

If you’ve got both feet firmly planted in the dating scene, you’re bound to meet one of the following types who give love a bad name sooner than later.

The Egoist

This guy is full of himself. Good looks are his calling card and he thinks the world revolves around him or rather he has women swooning at his feet. Well, the truth is they are at his beck and call because in a world where looks matter, he’s all the rage. However, peel away the outer layer and you’ll find more often than not that he’s sorely lacking in a couple of very important aspects. Sometimes looks disguise what is not there. If you’re a smart woman, it takes but a couple of dates to find out that the man of your dreams has an empty shell. If you’re looking for intelligent conversation and looking to hang on to his every word, THIS GUY IS NOT IT! Move on.

Mr. Trigger-Happy

This type may seem to have it all at first glance but that is where it ends. Give him a little time and some rope and he’ll gladly hang himself! All it takes with this dude to show his true self is to have a normal conversation, well what others might call normal but with this guy it’s like playing the Russian roulette. You’ll never know what rubbed him up the wrong way because everything does! He’s just waiting to unload all the years of repressed anger he’s held back and BOOM he’s off and running. Mostly not in your direction because he’s looking for someone to blame for all his problems. Love is the last thing on his mind. RUN and don’t look back!

The Conundrum

This guy is a headache and a half. He walks in like a hurricane, falls like a ton of bricks and is talking the “M” word before the first date is over! You’ll be wondering what hit you! Certainly not love but a corrupted form of something else. He’ll look into your eyes and ask, “Why don’t I see sparkles in them?” Or he’ll want to stick to you like glue and you can only take a breath until he does! If you’re looking for the nice, easy, relaxing type of love, it’s not with him. It’ll only get worse so move on and keep on walking and don’t look back!

Mr. Past & Present

Okay, this is one to watch out for. He has one foot firmly planted in the past. I mean it is cemented to the past. However, he is looking to connect with someone in the present. You’ll find he is either hung up on his dead wife, a past love or just about anything in the PAST as an excuse as to why he can’t fall in love again but if it comes to doing everything else he is willing and ready. Bring up the “M” word and he’s off and running. Scary? It is. Tread carefully because his true self doesn’t show up until you’re fully in and just when you think things are going great and there’s a future, he’ll pull the rug from under your feet. You’ll be left asking, what happened? It’s not you, it’s him. Move with caution or better still RUN!

This thing called love is impossible at times and at other times, it takes a lot of work to land what you’re looking for. Unfortunately, you’ll have to fall a few times, pick yourself back up, kiss more than a few frogs, dance the Tango with those I mentioned above, and when the clock strikes 12, be thankful that you survived to live another day.

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford

With that in mind, proceed with caution and always with your eyes wide open and tell your heart to sit this one out until you’ve got it down pat. Getting it down to a science is next to impossible but arming yourself with the knowledge to outplay some of the no good types out there is a must!

Have an amazing day.

Eradicate Racism!

My posts and articles showcase many things but my core focus is social injustice with special emphasis on racism. Racism is a “pandemic” and it should be treated as such. It is not a small thing as some make it out to be and neither is it harmless. It has the potential to destroy human dignity and it does exactly that on a daily basis.

I have a friend who once said, “You can’t change racism. It is here to stay.” Perhaps, he is right but that doesn’t mean that your voice must be silenced to accommodate what the majority thinks. I’ve spoken up where others have stayed silent, I have faced backlash and I march on hoping that one day things will change. My writing is my megaphone to get the message across.

A world free of racism is a wonderful place in my opinion. Each and every individual can have their say, go about life as equals and learn to get along with each other. We are still a long ways off from that ideal reality and if racism will ever take a backseat, that is still to be seen. However, my voice matters just as yours does.

What change would I like my blogs to make? Exactly that. Eradicate racism and let’s give every individual a chance at a decent life, one that is not based on appearance, skin color or religious beliefs for that matter.

Oh, what a wonderful world this would be….

Daily writing prompt

What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

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Mandy Hale Quotes

The lady speaks to struggles that women face, but more importantly she speaks to the heart of the matter. Her quotes reach deep and it also teaches us how to overcome adversity and to get to a better place in life. Here are some of her most beautiful and heartwarming quotes.

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

I’m my own person now and validation from a man or anyone for that matter is a thing of the past.

“Without standards you’ll settle for anything. Rise up and become what you hope to attract.”

This one is so important. Set your boundaries before you go out looking is the message.

“The most important day is the day you decide you’re good enough for you. It’s the day you set yourself free.”

Absolutely

“Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you.”

I’m learning to do exactly that.

“If you carry the bricks from your last relationship, you’ll end up building the same house.”

Been there, done there and trying to rectify that.

“She’s a lot.

You’re right….I’m a lot. With a lot of layers, a lot of personality. A lot of dreams, a lot of ideas. A lot of strategies, a lot of emotions. A lot of love.

So yeah, I am a lot.”

“If you don’t see your own worth, you’ll always choose people who don’t see it either.”

Know that you’re more than good enough. This way if he shows you that you are not enough, you can show him the door right away!

“Realize that if a door closed, it’s because what was behind it wasn’t meant for you.”

Hard and painful to grasp but it is the truth.

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.

You are allowed to outgrow people. This includes past versions of yourself.”

Absolutely.

This last one speaks to every woman who has struggled to find herself.

And I would find myself again. Not the same version of me that I was looking for, but a stronger version. A wiser version…A woman who had been tried in the fire but instead of being burned by it, came out gold.

A woman who finally after doubting and questioning and striving and hustling for her worth for years….came to the realization that she was and is and has always been…

ENOUGH

MORE THAN ENOUGH!