LOL!

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It’s the start of another brand new week and what better way to get it going than with a bit of laughter. I found the jokes below hilarious and it certainly tickled my funny bone! Hope it lightens the load.

When women fall ill:

“It’s ok. I’m just a little tired.”

When men fall ill:

“Listen to me carefully woman, these are my last words.”

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Men used to say, “Why marry the cow when the milk is free?”

Ladies, these days I think the real question is: “Why take home the whole pig when all you want is a bit of sausage?”

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One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this, it usually smells nice.”

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A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”

The wife responds: “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks: “Will you marry after I die?”

Husband: “No, I will also live with your sister.”

Guess who died first!!!

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I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date!

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A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning.

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.”

Five minutes later

Wife: “Computer really messed up now.”

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Have an amazing day.

LOL!

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Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?

Woman: Yes because we have to repeat everything!

Man: What?

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The Woman’s Guide To Love AND Lasting Relationships

Find a man who makes you laugh.

Find a man who has a good job and can cook.

Find a man who is honest.

Find a man who will pamper you and give you gifts.

Find a man who is awesome in the bedroom.

Most of all it is very important that these five men never meet!

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Nurse: The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.

Husband: What did she say?

Wife: They want your underwear.

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A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world…..oh sorry……that’s wine……wine does that.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mentioned it.

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What women think of their a**:

10% think it is too small.

30% think it is too big.

AND

60% said they love it and wouldn’t trade HIM for anything!

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Ladies, have you ever noticed that all your problems start with Men?

MEN-opause

MEN-strual cramps

MEN-tal illness

MEN-tal breakdown

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Have a great day.

LOL!

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I thought this was hilarious!

Hello, police? Please hurry – send someone immediately! There’s a cat in my house!”

“I’m sorry, sir… did you say a cat?”

“Yes, a CAT! For heaven’s sake! Don’t you know what a cat is? It walked in and now it’s coming straight toward me!”

“Sir, I don’t quite understand. Are you sure you don’t mean an intruder? A burglar, perhaps?”

“Nooo! An actual cat! You know—meow! With fur! Are we on the same planet?!”

“Sir, even if the cat is approaching you, I’m not sure why this is a police matter.”

“Because it’s trying to kill me! And when I’m dead, this call will be Exhibit A!”

“A cat… is trying to kill you. Sir, may I ask who I’m speaking to?”

“This is Loreto.”

“Last name?”

“…the Parrot.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

Need I say more? 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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A man walks into a barber shop and says, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.

The man says, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replies, “My husband wouldn’t like that.”

The man says, “Tell him you’re working overtime, and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She says, “You tell him.

He’s the one shaving you.”

Bet that didn’t turn out too well.

LOL!

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A farmer stopped by a local mechanic shop…..

… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.

He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”

“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”

The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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I saw this online and it had been laughing out loud! The problem is we are all on the selfsame journey, just a matter of time. LORD HAVE MERCY!

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older (but refuse to grow up) here’s what I’ve discovered…

ONE – I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO – My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.​

THREE – I finally got my head together now my body is falling apart.

FOUR – Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

FIVE – All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

SIX – If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN – It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT – Some days you are the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

NINE – I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

TEN – Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN – Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE – It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.

THIRTEEN – The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN – If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN – When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN – It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

SEVENTEEN – The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN – These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

NINETEEN – I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU BEFORE OR NOT!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

I thought this was hilarious and decided to share.

Photo by atelierbyvineeth . . . on Pexels.com

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

I’m not going to saying anything although I’m dying to!

LOL!

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A very jealous husband calls his wife from the office every morning to make sure she’s at home.

“Honey, where are you?”

“At home, love.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course – where else would I be?”

“Then turn on the blender next to the phone so I’ll have proof you’re really at home.”

The wife switches on the blender and, hearing the noise, he relaxes.

“Okay, honey. See you at home tonight.”

This goes on every day: she has to prove it with the blender’s sound.

One day, the husband leaves work early, gets home, and only finds their son. Surprised, he asks:

“Where’s Mom?”

“I don’t know – she went out with the blender!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

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A man is talking to the family doctor, “Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”

The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries it out.

He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.

He repeats this several times until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers,

“For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

🤣🤣🤣