Laughter – Page 2 – Site Title

LOL!

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside.

At the local bar someone asked him if he was married.

“i’m divorced. Actually, I never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time.”

The local man said, “you should go talk to the old couple on the top of the hill outside the village. Rumor has it they’ve been married for over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.”

“What? That’s impossible everyone fights”, exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out.

So in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him the man smiled and nodded, “yeah, it’s true we never fight”

“Please”, begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?”

“Well”, said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him that’s one and kept riding. As the mule tripped again on another stone when my wife immediately said that’s two. Minutes later the mule tripped over a stone again. My wife said that’s three. She pulled out a gun i never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice. i was shocked and yelled at her what the heck do you think you’re doing we needed that mule. Are you crazy?

My wife looked me straight in the eye and said that’s one. And we’ve never fought since.”

Hmm….I should have thought of that! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Needed to share this one!

An elderly couple entered a burger joint……

… and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over to the counter and made an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife.

Carefully, he counted all the fries and did the same.

He dipped two straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger while the people stared compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.

The old woman replied, no, don’t bother. We just share everything.

People realised that the old man hadn’t eaten after a little while. He only watched as his wife ate.

So the same young man approached and repeated his offer.

This time, the old man spoke. No, no, it’s fine. We just share everything.

Then the young man said to the old man. What are you waiting for?

The old man looked up and said,

The teeth.

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Donald Trump wanted to paint the White House. He called three contractors to ask for their quotes.

The Chinese man offered 3 million dollars. The European, 7 million. The Indian, 10 million.

Trump asked the Chinese man: “How did you quote 3 million dollars?” The Chinese man replied: “One million dollars for paint, one million dollars for labor, and one million dollars for profit.”

Trump asked the European. He replied: “3 million dollars in paint, 2 million in labor, and 2 million dollars in profit.”

Trump asked the Indian. He replied: “Four million for you. Three million for me. And we’ll give three million to the Chinese guy and ask him to do the painting.”

The Indian got the contract.

Smart guy and it’s all about the profit! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

An elderly couple went to the doctors because they were concerned about memory loss. The doc put them through some tests. He told them they didn’t have to worry too much yet, but it would help if they wrote things down.

That afternoon they were sitting on the front porch enjoying the lovely June weather. The husband decides to get a bowl of ice cream and asks his wife if she would like one too.

She says, “ I would love a bowl of ice cream, but you better write it down.

“Naw – I don’t have to write it down. How would you like chocolate syrup with your ice cream?”

”I would love chocolate syrup, but you’d better write it down.”

“Don’t need to. How hard can it be? ice cream with chocolate syrup. How about nuts and whipped cream on top?”

“That sounds delicious. I’d love that, but you’d better write it down.”

”Nope. How hard can it be? Ice cream, chocolate syrup, nuts and whipped cream. I’ve got it.”

So he goes into the kitchen and she hears him rattling around for a bit. Pretty soon he comes out with two plates of bacon and eggs.

She says, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast!”

Looks like they are on the same wavelength! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

The old man and the beautiful young blonde.

A balding, white-haired man from Sherman Oaks, California walked into a mall jewelry store on Friday evening, accompanied by a much younger woman. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler showed him a nice ring for $5,000.

“No, I’d like to see something more special,” the man replied.

The jeweler then presented a stunning $40,000 ring. The woman’s eyes sparkled, and she trembled with excitement at the sight.

The old man smiled and stated confidently, “We’ll take it.”

When the jeweler inquired about payment, the man replied, “By check. I realize you’ll want to check on the funds, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday. I’ll return to collect the ring.”

On Monday morning, the jeweler furiously called the old man. “You have only $25 in your account!” he shouted.

“I know,” replied the old man with a laugh. “But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!”

You must admit the old man knew what he was doing and that blonde didn’t stand a chance! 🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

A farmer buys a young rooster and puts him in the yard.

The rooster takes one look around and immediately gets to work. By breakfast, he’s been through every hen on the farm.

The farmer whistles. “Well, that was impressive.”

By lunchtime, the rooster has done the whole flock again.

Now the farmer is less impressed and more concerned.

The next morning, the rooster has moved on from the hens to the ducks, the geese, the turkeys, and anything else unfortunate enough to stand still.

Later that day, the farmer looks across the yard and sees the rooster lying flat on his back, legs in the air, completely motionless. Above him, a few vultures are circling.

The farmer walks over, shakes his head, and says, “I told you you’d kill yourself, you filthy little maniac.”

The rooster opens one eye and whispers:

“Keep it down. They’re almost here.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

Photo by Abdulwahab Alawadhi on Pexels.com

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents looked at the truck and asked, “Where did you get that truck?!”

“I bought it today,” he says. “With what money?” says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

The father looks at him like he’s crazy. “Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.

“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother. “Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s or something John, you better go see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”

“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”

“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peters at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said “welcome, Forest. We’ve heard a lot about you. “he continued, Unfortunately, it getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”

“Okay, said Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, “Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.”

“Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?”

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God’s first name?

“Well, sir,” said Forest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.” St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”

“The next question, said Forest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”

“Twelve?” said St Peter, surprised and confused.

“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …” St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.” “And the last question,” said Forest, “What is God’s first name? It is Andy.”

“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?” “I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said “Run, Forest, Run!”

🤣🤣🤣

LOL!

This was funny in a grisly sort of way! That poor Mick.

Irish Sawmill Accident

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

LOL!

Photo by Nashua Volquez-Young on Pexels.com

A farmer stopped by a local mechanic shop…..

… to have his truck fixed.They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited.

He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem.How to carry his purchases home.Whilst he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.She asked, “can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, ‘well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to this house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand.”

“Well, thank you very much.That works just fine,” he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, “let’s take my usual shortcut and go down this alley.We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, “I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.How do I know that when we get in the alleyway, you won’t have your wicked way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation, “holy smokes, lady, I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world would I do that?”

The old lady said, “well, set the goose down, cover him with a bucket, put a can of paint on top of the bucket and I’ll hold the bloody chickens.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣