Laughter – Page 7 – Site Title

LOL!

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country to Germany to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well,” he said, “after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.”

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office.

“Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,” she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said:

“Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut. Two with wieners. One without!”

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Relationship Arithmetic:

Smart man + smart woman = romance.

Smart man + dumb woman = affair.

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

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Guess I should go back to writing something productive?

LOL!

It’s Saturday and time for another dose of laughter. Enjoy!

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear”

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price –the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, “Good grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon.

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Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Photo by Vinicius Wiesehofer on Pexels.com

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Man Say.

Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

While, I’m up, can I get you anything?

Honey, since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Sex isn’t that important; sometimes I just want to be held.

Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore.

Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say.

What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight?

I’d rather just watch TV.

Ooh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

Can our relationship get a little more physical?

I’m tired of being “just friends.”

Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

Aww, don’t stop for directions. I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.

I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress!

There you have it. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus!

LOL!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

It’s Sunday and time to relax and a dose of laughter doesn’t hurt either. Enjoy!

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed. “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister. “It’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight.”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna. “But what am I going to do with the BODY?”

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THREE WISE WOMEN: You do know…..what would have happened if it had been three wise woman instead of three wise men, dou’t you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.

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A guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, “I’d like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can’t be done because it would be technogically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guys thinks about it and very enthusiastically wishes he would understand women.

The genie then said, “Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?”

🤣🤣🤣

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I’m still looking for that frog and mermaid but I’ll add the genie to my wishlist as well!

LOL!

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid–who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he’s recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I.Q.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I.Q.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider. The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” the mermaid says, “you don’t know what you’re asking! It’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”

And he turns into a woman.

I absolutely LOVED this one! My ex is a physicist by the way, I wonder what he thought about this one. I’ve been looking for that frog that grants wishes but I guess this mermaid will do just fine!

LOL!

God said to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad.” Adam asked for the good news first. God answered, “I’m giving you a brain and a penis.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked Adam.

God replied, “I’m only giving you enough blood for one of them to work at a time!”

Now, it all makes sense!

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A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven. Peter looked them over and ordered, “All men who were henpecked on earth, please step to the left, all those who were bosses in their own homes, step to the right.”

The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to the right. Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and inquired, “What makes you think you belong on that side?” Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, “Because this is where my wife told me to stand.”

He sure knows his place and well-trained at that!

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A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What do you think is the medical term?

LOL!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic….” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language….things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…Please mama!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”

“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset…Tell your mother these 4-letter words! Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh mama….words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!”

Yup, that’ll do it!

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“Oh God,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: “You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

Hmm……..

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created:

God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out on the curb.

God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve…..When God finished the creation of Adam. He stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that!”

AND HE DID!

SPICE UP YOUR DAY!

Feeling down? Nothing’s going right? You’re in a down phase? The world’s a cruel place? Prince Charming is a no show?

You’re not alone. Give it time, work on yourself but in the meantime here are some tips to pep up your mood and get you soaring again.

MEDITATION

It’s been around for a long long time and it still works today. Just five minutes a day will quiet the mind and send those endorphins spiraling upwards. Try it. Close your eyes, go within. Take a breath, hold for 4 counts and let it out for six. Watch the transformation take place. You’ve got to keep at it to reap the benefits.

NATURE

It is my all-time favorite activity. Nature soothes, nature calms and it teaches how to give those stress hormones a run for the money. Just 10 minutes a day should do it. You’ll come back feeling refreshed and ready to tackle anything the world throws your way. A cup of coffee later and I’m raring to go!

GRATITUDE

This is an important mood booster. Never underestimate the power of gratitude. It has the power to change your mindset and to take you from the glass is half empty to the glass is all kinds of full! Try it. Think of three things you are grateful for right now. Not that bad is it?

LAUGHTER

Find something to laugh about everyday. It has been said, laughter is the best medicine. It really is. I watch standup comedies or funny movies to boost my mood and to release stress. Laughter also strengthens the immune system and releases cortisol and adrenaline, two main stress hormones. Chronic stress puts your health at risk so laugh it away. Aim for a dose of laughter each day.

JOURNALING

It is “the practice of regularly writing down your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and reflections.” This is my way of getting my pent up emotions out in the open. Believe me, it’s a miracle worker and once you get them out, you do feel a lot lighter. Write it down, get it out, do the dance and set it free! It’s a definite pep me up!

SMILE

This one comes naturally to me. I smile a lot. Just having a smile on your face tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy and it releases the “feel-good” chemicals like dopamine and serotonin. These are needed in your arsenal to add to your overall well-being. So, SMILE for all you’re worth!

Just a few tips to rev up your mood. These methods work for me and I hope it does for you as well.

“Be so positive that negative people don’t want to be near you.”

I say, “Aye, aye Captain!”

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Three men were out golfing one day and one of them hit his ball into the woods. He went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to him, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes on one condition to be named later.”

The man freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but the condition is that whatever you wish for, your wife will get 10 times more or better!” The man said, “Oh, that would be okay,” and for his first wish he wanted to be the most handsome man in the world. The frog warned him, “You do realize this wish will also make your wife ten times better looking and the most beautiful woman in the world, and that men will flock to her.” The man replied, “That is okay, because I will be the most handsome man and she will only have eyes for me.” So, poof – he’s the most handsome in the world!

For his second wish, he wanted to be the richest man in the world. The frog said, “That will make your wife ten times richer, thus the richest person in the world.” The man said, “That is okay, because what is mine is hers, and what is hers is mine.” So, poof – he’s the richest man in the world!

The frog then inquired about his third wish and the man answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack….”

I want to find that frog!

A man gets on an airplane and sits next to a beautiful woman. He asks her where she is going. Her reply is that she is going to a nymphomaniac convention. He asks, “What do you learn at a convention like that?”

She says, “I have learned about many myths. Like the myth that Frenchmen are the best lovers. Jewish men are the best lovers. Another myth that I’ve learned about is that African men have the largest sex organs. It’s not African. It’s the American Indian, but I feel a little strange telling you all this when I don’t even know you. What is your name?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.”

Smart guy!