Mental health – Page 22

The Strength Within

I am learning as I go along that nothing stays the same. Life is an ever-changing landscape, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The good times come in waves and sometimes not at all and the bad, well it has a tendency to strike when you least expect it.

“Expect the unexpected and accept the twists and turns of life’s journey.” Unknown

Something was wrong. My body has a way of letting me know and so it was a week ago. I couldn’t shake the feeling and the symptoms made it clear so off I went to the doctor. A blood test later, he gives me the bad news. I felt myself growing smaller and my first response as it usually is with anything that has a tendency to change my life was, “Why? This is so UNFAIR!” Unfair or not, there it was staring me in the face and as I sat there, feeling small and insignificant, I blurted out, “I can beat this. Just watch me!” The doctor stared back with a somber look on his face, or was it sympathy I saw. He said, “You can try but a part of you is not functioning as it should.” I gulped but I had my brave face on. I walked out of there with my heart pumping fast but with a clear resolve to go deep within and grasp at the dwindling supply of my inner reserves, the place I go to when “ME” as a human is unable to deal with whatever that has thrown my world in a kilter. I went looking for the strength within. It has come to my rescue in times past so why not now?

“Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers softly, ‘You’ve got this, keep going.” Unknown

That was a week and a half ago. Since then I’ve cried, berated and shaken my fist at nothing in particular. After that, I put a plan of action in place. Friends have offered advice and help BUT when it comes down to the inevitable, it is you and you alone who will have to put on the armor and do battle against an invisible enemy, one that has the power to do more damage than you can ever imagine.

Cut back on stress, change your diet, workout, meditate and yoga are all on my plan to beat this thing. It has the potential to destroy if not reeled in. Knowing that, I am not taking it lightly. I have made some progress but it needs constant work and that right there is the HARD part. I’ve faced “HARD” before and it is nothing new but what if it is outside my control this time around? That’s a scary question and I am not looking for the answers right now. Focus, I tell myself, show fear the door and keep on forging straight ahead and that is what I plan and need to do.

“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.” Paulo Coelho

Waking up to each new day is a challenge now. I have a blank slate to fill with things to do to get better. I tell myself that I have the strength to beat this thing. Taking one step at a time combined with resolve, I plan to chip away at this unseen monster and hope it gives way kow-towing to the strength within. There is hope.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” Brene Brown

The Dating No-Gooders

I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying, “Don’t hitch your cart to a falling star.” In the dating world if you’re looking for Mr. Right, the saying is, “Don’t hitch your cart to the wrong guy.”

It is easy to do if you’re beyond caring if the right one comes along or not and anyone will do. However, if you’re still holding on to hope and waiting, pay attention to the signals and the ones below are not the ONE!

THE CHEATER

“A mistake is something that happens accidentally. Cheating and lying are not accidents, they are choices.” Unknown

“Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.” Unknown

Do you think a cheater cares? If he has done it once, he’s going to do it again. They are not worth your time, heartache, pain and whatever else these worthless individuals who rank low on the integrity level bring into the relationship, if you can call it a relationship. Shut the door and move on and don’t give them the time of day!

THE LIAR

“A liar deceives himself more than anyone, for he believes he can remain a person of good character when he cannot.” Richelle E. Goodrich

“One lie is enough to question all the truth.” Samaira Ansari

Most are seasoned liars and they can lie without blinking an eye. The ones you need to watch out for are “pathological liars.” “They are frequently untruthful for no good reason.” Why? Simply because they can get away with it and they probably get an adrenaline rush each time they do it.

THE ANGRY GUY

“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn’t with you, it is with themselves.” Wijsheid, Zelfzorg

“Anger resembles fire. Like the fire, if you keep feeding it, it will get stronger, and harm you. If you stop feeding anger with your attention, it will fade away.” Remez Sasson

Walk away before it gets out of control. You don’t want to be walking on a minefield all the time and watch it go BOOM every step you take. An angry guy has his problems, let him deal with it without you in the picture.

THE NARCISSIST

One of the distinquishing features of a narcissist is no empathy. They do not CARE about you. As such, you rank low on the totem pole and time and again you will wind up asking why? There are no clear-cut answers, it is a disorder and you don’t want to get entangled in it. Leave him alone, move on and don’t look back!

THE JEALOUS GUY

“Jealousy is an inner consciousness of one’s own inferiority. It a a mental cancer.” B. C. Turber

You can spot this individual a mile away, if not when you go on a couple of dates. Suddenly, you are his property. Do not bat or wink at someone else is the message. You’ll wonder what hit you but if you’re smart get out before you have to walk six steps behind this guy!

EMOITIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN (EUM)

He looks normal but he is NOT!

“He.will.always. be incapable of having a genuine emotional connection with anyone, himself being first on that list.” Natasha Adamo

“Your basic needs will be too much for an emotionally unavailable person.” The MindsJournal.

Unfortunately, the EUM is hard to spot. They appear caring and loving but as you move deeper into the relationship, the signal blares and says DANGER! They are always on the chase for new conquests because they are incapable of committing and the closer they get to someone they RUN in the opposite direction. Like the narcissist, they could care less about YOU, it is all about them. Not someone you want to get in a relationship with. He’ll tell you he loves you one day be gone the next without so much as a text!

There are plenty of good men out there. Know what to look for and hitch your cart to the right person, the one who is going to fly you to the stars NOT the one who will make you crash and burn!

Be safe and here’s to finding Mr. Right.

PEACE

It is Sunday, a day of rest and rejuvenation from a week of stresses and unrest. I woke up with good intentions this morning. Finding peace is my goal for today, more precisely, inner peace that is.

“It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Unknown

And this is exactly the problem. Chaos and noise shatters my idea of peace. My mind is like rush hour 24/7 and when I find the time to gather inner peace, it has taken flight and I am left with unrest, anxiety and an inability to calm down no matter how hard I try. Sleepless nights follow and I wake up to another day of more of the same.

Now I am arming myself with what is needed to stop the constant chatter within my mind. I liken it to a monkey jumping around with no real goal in sight. Recently, I started the age-old practice of meditation. Five minutes was too much at first. I felt my whole body rebelling against this new concept that was trying to break into what it was accustomed to and that is total and utter chaos! After a while of consistently practicing this method of inner peace, I could feel my body say, “Come on in. I like you!” Slowly I progressed to 10 minutes and now I am doing 40 minutes a day. Unbelievable but the benefits are seen and felt and I am sleeping better.

7 Benefits of Meditation

Calms the nervous system

Decreases brain fog

Enhances memory

Boosts attention and focus

Slows down aging (this one I like a lot!)

Improves sleep

Regulates mood.

Sukhasana

What’s not to like right? Furthermore, it doesn’t cost a thing. Just a quiet space, focus and take off and in time, the “inner monkey” is tamed and he or she takes a step back and lets the calm and peace take hold, and you my friend will be headed to nirvana. Well, it is not that easy, mind you. It takes time and YOU wanting peace above all else.

Deep breathing is another easy tried and true method of shutting out the world, of going inside yourself and within minutes or to a count of ten breaths and there it is, instant peace and relaxation. The benefits are plenty.

It helps to:

lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduces stress hormones in the blood, balances levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the blood, improves your immune system functions, increases physical energy and it increases calm and well-being.

There you go. Another fast and easy way to get to that goal of inner peace. However, the human mind tends to retaliate because we don’t want easy do we? We moan, cry, throw tantrums and refuse to take the bull by the horn and say, “Look you, I am no longer putting up with you (stress, anxiety) ravaging my body. It’s time for you to get going!”

Simplify your life. We complicate with so many unwanted things that cause tremendous stress. Relationships that tear us down instead of build us up. Quite often we hide behind a curtain of insecurities that it is hard to see the path ahead. Bravery and courage is needed to tear down that invisible curtain. Get rid of the things that are weighing you down and you know what they are if you are honest with yourself. Finally, free your mind so that peace and tranquility can reign supreme and that folks is my goal for today. If I make it that is to be seen. Fingers crossed but I am going to do more than that to achieve my zen-like state of mind.

“Peace is a day-to-day problem, the product of a multitude of events and judgments. Peace is not an ‘is,’ it is a ‘becoming.” Haile Selassie

“Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.” John F. Kennedy

“But achieving a sense of inner peace is real. It’s out there. You just have to be willing to walk past the darkness, and even past the light, to find it.” Hannah Hart

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama

This one is important because we do allow people to influence our moods and how it affects our inner being. If they lie, treat you badly or take you for granted, DO NOT let the after-effects seep in and gnaw at your insides. Let it go…..easier said than done I know.

I wish you PEACE.

Gratitude

Zig Ziglar called it the healthiest of all human emotions and it is one that is often overlooked in our day to day existence of what we call “living.” It is unpretentious, it takes its place quietly in the ranks of emotions and waits to be recognized like a step child who is often left wanting. More often than not we walk past without giving it the recognition it deserves.

“Gratitude helps you see what’s there instead of what isn’t.” Unknown

What is gratitude?

Simply put and according to graygroupintl.com, “It is a deep sense of appreciation for the good things in our lives, both big and small. It is about recognizing the positive aspects and expressing gratitude for them. When we practice gratitude, it not only benefits our mental health but also our physical well-being.”

If it is that important, why hasn’t this poster-child for good mental health been given more attention and accolades?

Perhaps, it is because as humans we have a tendency to overlook the “good stuff” and we tend to focus on the lack thereof and all the negatives it entails. If only I had this, then life would be so much better is the mantra we wear with pride and have hone it to an art form that we are blinded to the abundance that surrounds us.

“Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life.” Rumi

Practice it daily and it will turn your life around. I still haven’t grasped this concept of being grateful but I am working on it.

How do you practice gratitude? According to mindful.org, the people in the know, it starts like this and if you do it regularly, “it is a game-changer; it has far reaching effects, from improving our mental health to boosting our relationships with others. Living your life with gratitude helps you notice the little wins— and over time strengthens your ability to notice the good.”

Start by observing. Notice the thank yous you say.

Keep a journal of all that you are grateful for and believe me there is plenty to be thankful for.

Make a vow to be grateful everyday.

Meditate – anchor yourself to the good things in your life. Be mindful and live in the present.

The day before was a tough day. Things just didn’t go the way I wanted it to and so my focus was on all the bad stuff which in turn helped me to go further down the rabbit hole. At the end of the day I decided that today would be better. The gratitude part didn’t come till later. I went ahead and booked a massage and as I was lying on the table, face down and staring into nothingness, listening to the soothing music in the background, a small voice said, “Say thank you.” I did and I repeated it several times just in case it didn’t hear me the first me! As the masseuse applied gentle strokes to my back, I realized that I was surrounded with and by abundance.

I slowly started counted off the things I was grateful for and the list was never-ending. The gorgeous day, the blue skies, my friends, the people who cared about my existence and last but not least the wonderful massage that helped to soothe my frazzled nerves. It was a game-changer. I walked out of there with a smile on my face, my woes forgotten for the moment at least and well-prepared for the day ahead.

If you can’t afford a massage even the simplest of things will do it. Go for a walk, pay attention to the sights and sounds, things that help to lift up your soul. It could be as simple as taking in a deep breath, or watching a bird in flight or a tree in bloom, its colors mesmerizing and the scent wafting by better than any artificially manufactured perfume but most of all say, “THANK YOU.” Be grateful for the abundance surrounding you, the roof over your head, the food, nature and all the little and big things that help to make up your life and soon the glass will no longer be half empty but overflowing. A friend said to me, “you need to do what you preach,” and he is right. Thank you friend or being my friend!

Practicing gratefulness is helping to turn things around in my life. It doesn’t come easily but the more I say, thank you and appreciate what is around me, the less I see the negatives not that they aren’t there mind you, but to a lesser extent. This too takes time.

“When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” Tony Robbins

ANGER

A wise man was asked what is anger? He gave a beautiful answer. It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.”

I know that anger has been a constant companion in my life for the last several years. It is a powerful emotion that comes easily when something doesn’t go right or when there is a feeling that someone has done you wrong. Sometimes it motivates you to do better, to let go and move on but at other times there is this other variety that grabs hold and refuses to let go. Fortunately, mine has been of the milder version, it grabs hold, I let it boil for a while and then it subsides and I find ways to deal with it. I have heard some people say that they don’t let anger get the best of them but I say, I DON’T believe you! It is a natural emotion and if you’re human, it is going to affect you one way or another.

A girlfriend once told me that when she gets angry, she gets totally bent out of shape. Her idea of letting out steam was to stick needles in a voodoo doll hoping that her ex-husband’s new girlfriend would feel it from here and to the heavens and back! Whatever floats your boat. Would you call that rage? Perhaps, it is also an emotion that needs reeling in before it becomes something else.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Mark Twain

Today has not been a good day. It is a beautiful spring day but the news I got was anything but. My first response was to feel angry and to ask WHY? It went downhill from there. I decided to take a walk to clear my mind and to come up with solutions to my problem. I walked out the front door, turned the corner to head to the open fields and lo and behold, the road was under construction and filled with cranes, men and noise! I felt the anger slowly rising not that it needed much help at this point. I was looking to vent and I just needed an excuse to let it all out.

I kept on walking and soon I was out in the open leaving the chaos behind me. The sky was a perfect blue, the grass a glorious green and to add to the serene picture several rabbits were out in the open and chasing each other and I felt myself deflate. The slow simmer was back to normal and I walked taking in nature’s antidote to anger. I was slowly returning to normal.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” Thomas Jefferson

Or take a walk as I did and let nature help you to see the bigger picture and get you out of the tunnel vision which has the tendency to draw you into the depths of despair.

Deep breathing, meditating, working out, getting into your Zen-Zone can all help to dissipate anger. However, anger is a natural emotion, let it play out or reel it in but don’t let it get out of hand. Know when to get off the anger mode, accept it for what it is, just a temporary obstacle that can be overcome.

Here are more quotes to help you do just that.

“ANGER doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.” Lawrence Douglas Wilder

“You cannot see your reflection in boiling water, similarly you cannot see the truth in a state of anger. When the waters calm clarity comes.” Unknown

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha

Lastly,

Understanding Anger

“The goal isn’t to never feel ANGRY. The goal is to UNDERSTAND your anger and to choose HEALTHY ways to respond to it.” Unknown

The Journey

Edmund Hillary once said, “It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” There is much truth in that one statement. In order to conquer the mountain, metaphorically speaking, we have to conquer ourselves first.

More often than not, we place lines and boundaries around ourselves that stop us from moving forward, both knowingly and unknowingly. I have talked about the stories we tell in another article and it still stands true. The narratives we tell keeps us from achieving goals we set for ourselves. We say, “I can’t,” which is often the first response. What if we changed that narrative to, “I can.” Worth trying?

The thing I need to conquer first and foremost is fear. This four-letter word has kept me from achieving so much in my life. Whatever comes my way is usually DOA because fear steps in and tells me why I am incapable of doing something which might sound rational at the time but it is usually only in my head. The fear factor has kept me safe BUT it has also stopped me from experiencing life at its fullest. I know I need to break out of the well-insulated cocoon I am in and test the waters, or at least to get my feet wet. Not saying you should throw caution to the wind but talking about those small steps to conquer that mountain called life.

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” Judy Blume

Overcoming obstacles is next in line. My first reaction to any obstacle is to cringe and than I tend to shy away from it. Perhaps normal behavior in the grand scheme of things but it would be so much easier if I looked it, whatever it is, in the eye and made a conscious decision to break it down to what it really is. Most times, it is a wrinkle rather than a mountain that I in my innate human self make it out to be. I am learning but it takes time.

“Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them….they are able to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight.” Orison Swett Marden.

Acceptance is hard and most times I go through an almost impossible obstacle course of my own making before I can say, “It’s going to be alright. I have accepted the unchangeable and it is time to move on.” This step never comes easily and it takes time but that again is the intricate ways of life or simply of my own choosing. The important thing is that I am learning to accept and letting go instead of giving up and kow-towing and accepting defeat. I want to get to the top of the mountain with bells ringing and with my sanity intact! I still have a long ways to go but I am making progress.

“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.” Michael J. Fox

However, there is no point in setting out on a journey when there are no clear cut goals because running around in circles is a waste of time and having the courage to know and accept what is needed to make that journey is the way to go. Start with yourself. Be strong enough to get rid of what is not needed, set your focus and start moving to the end goal. Light up your soul, eradicate the stumbling blocks of which there are many I am sure, move with purpose and look towards the path in front of you, one small step at a time. This is exactly what I plan to do.

“Aim for the sky, but move slowly, enjoying every step along the way, it is all those little steps that make the journey complete.” Unknown

Keep Going

The path ahead is unclear. It is scary. It is often filled with obstacles that we have to cross to make it up that mountain. We find ourselves on our way and then we take a tumble and we find ourselves not back to square one but somewhere in between and that is where I am now.

The weekend was filled with uncertainties and all my good intentions seemed to have flown out the window. I thought I was doing so well only to find that being on my way, moving on from the here and now is a long process. It doesn’t happen overnight and neither does it happen in a few days, a few weeks or a few months. It is an ongoing process which involves falling, picking yourself back up and having the courage to say, “Here I go again!”

“When you walk in the fire, you start becoming fireproof.” Hiral Nagada

I spent the weekend looking for excuses as to why I CAN’T do this and that is often the case with me. It is easier to look for excuses than to move on. Fear is another factor that plays into my inner being and that little voice within, the one that acts like a little kid keeps tugging and says you are not capable of making it to the other side. However, there is this other voice that refuses to give up and if given the chance, it will become a deafening roar that pushes me to my limits and lets me know that there is strength, unbeatable strength within and all I need to do is stand back up and start moving. Just remember that it will get worse before it gets better it says and that is the truth.

It takes time, it takes effort and it takes hard work to get to the top of the mountain and there will be times when I will take a fall and land where I don’t want to be, lost in my own excuses of why I can’t move on. Acknowledge but don’t get too comfortable where you are. It is no man’s land and you want better so stand back up and look towards that open door and go through it because failure is not an option.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” Mary Ann Radmacher

Also remember that failure is a choice, standing still is not an option and walking away from things that keep you from achieving your goals is the right thing to do no matter how painful it is. Let go of things that don’t serve you and make the commitment to keep going and you will arrive at where you need to be. My mission for this week is to keep moving, one step at a time and to keep going.

“No matter how bad things are right now.

No matter how stuck you feel,

No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different,

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel,

I promise you won’t feel this way forever.” Unknown

Here’s a story of hope. Last year, I uprooted a peony bush because it was growing too close to a fence and its growth was being stunted. I decided to move it to a smaller area where I thought it would thrive. There was a risk that it might not survive the process at all. All through winter, it looked like it had died. A week ago, I noticed that it was sprouting! Today, when I walked out the front door I noticed that new leaves were forming and it was budding and there were five buds on this tiny plant. Perhaps, it is a lesson from nature that even in the deepest darkest of times when we think all is lost, life is working its magic to show us that patience wins out and “better” is on its way. If all else fails, remember that it is not Amazon Prime, the delivery doesn’t happen in one or two days!

IT TAKES TIME.

Narcissists

Photo by Linneas Boland-Godbey on Pexels.com

Approach with caution or not at all! You will meet many different types of people when you put yourself out there in the dating scene so be careful. Here is one type that you need to stay away from at any cost if you want to walk away with your self-esteem and your mental state intact.

A young man sat by a river gazing at his own reflection. ”How beautiful he is. I wish I can be with him forever,” he said to his reflection. He was obsessed and couldn’t pull away. Eventually he died of thirst, hunger and unrequited love. His name was Narcissus and he was the son of the river god in Greek mythology. Narcissism originated from his name.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others.” According to the Mayo Clinic definition, they also have low self-esteem and are extremely sensitive to criticism.

“The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells.” Sam Vaknin

Scary? You better believe it. Ever met one of these walking disasters on your trek into the dating world? If not, you should thank your lucky stars. If yes, you know what I am talking about. The problem is you might be in a relationship with one of these types and not even know it because they are hard to spot. Here are some signs to look out for.

The number 1 trait of a narcissist is, “an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and they require constant, excessive admiration.” If that doesn’t make you want to slam the door shut on them, the following will help you to do exactly that. They are arrogant, lack empathy, are entitled, have feelings of superiority and grandiosity and they have a need to be powerful, successful, smart, admired or loved. They usually get away with wrongdoings and when denial doesn’t work, they turn to rage and all this at your cost I might add.

According to Dr. Brenda Wade, narcissists only think of themselves first and foremost, they want to win, they do not care about your feelings, they are always manipulating for their own personal gain and benefit and they make you think that you are the problem. Finally, gaslighting is their stock and trade.

Why haven’t you noticed these traits right from the start? It seems there is this thing called the ‘fantasy’ phase where you are idolized, more specifically it’s the where you can do nothing wrong phase, but it goes downhill from there.

“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase, “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in a narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is.” Ramani Durvasula.

If you have been in one of these relationships you might walk away questioning your self-worth, what you stand for and won’t stand for and more often than not it leaves you broken to the core afraid to step out there again. Where? The world of dating is fraught with many minefields as I have said before and this particular breed is nasty, uncaring and not worth your time. If you are going to be out there, arm yourself first with knowledge and if you should by chance meet a narcissist, RUN don’t walk!

“It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to you. It’s like the trash took itself out.” Karen Salmansohn

Or this:

Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.” Ramani Durvasula

Finally this:

The Narcissist’s Prayer

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. By Dayna Craig

She nailed it folks!