Mental health – Page 4

LOL!

This one got a laugh out of me this morning. What can I say but that’s Trump for you!

So DONALD Trump

GOES TO THE VATICAN to

Meet the Pope.

He later said: “I met with Pope Francis today. He’s a really great Pope – great, great Pope. You know he’s the leader of the Catholic Church – big church. I couldn’t believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world — Some are very, very close to my hotels and golf courses.

He tells me he’s elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though. Fantastic. It turns out the Pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife. He told me he’s infallible. I said that’s great, you’ll never have to worry about breaking a hip.

He told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn’t catch his answer. I’m told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn’t look Latino.

He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don’t think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I’m telling you. Lots of colours. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody. We got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo. At least that’s what Francis (we’re great friends) called him, I think.

Trust me, we’re going to hear more about this guy. He’s really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It’s natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can’t believe it.

I told Frank I’d like to buy some of Mike’s art. I asked if Mike’s done anything on velvet. He’ll check. I’ll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He’s too much with the churches. He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.

When we left, the Pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a motel room.

Unbelievable. Just heard. The mainstream media are at it again. Fake news. (Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. I’ve already got people looking into this and you won’t believe what they’re finding

LOL!

A church-going man who’d been faithful to his wife for 40 years died and found himself in Heaven. Since his widow was still alive back on Earth, he was given a snug little hut to live in and a refrigerator with food and soft drinks.

One day, while he was strolling about, he saw a man he knew to be a total scoundrel – the guy had embezzled money, gambled himself deep in debt, drank like a fish, philandered all over town, and left multiple illegitimate children in his wake. He had a beautiful blonde girl on one arm and was carrying a bottle of Chivas Regal.

Enraged, the pious man went straight to Saint Peter and demanded an explanation. “I spent my life doing right by everything and I’m in this little hut with nothing special. That scoundrel drank, gambled, cheated, and stole – and you gave him a gorgeous girl and fancy whiskey!”
Saint Peter didn’t flinch. “Stay calm. It’s not as it appears. He’s got a bottle of Chivas Regal with a hole in it and a beautiful girl without one.”

Yup there is always a silver lining or things don’t always seem as they are!

LOL!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy,

“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out,

“I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,

“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister.

“That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.

“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Actually I did the same. While my uncle gave his sermon, I slept!

LOL!

Pat goes to confession and tells the priest:

“I’ve had sex with a woman who is not my wife”

“What’s the woman’s name”, asks the priest.

“Oh, I can’t tell you that”, says Pat.

“Well I can’t give you penance if you don’t tell me who it was.”

“Was it Mrs. Gilhooly”?

“No, father, it wasn’t.”

“Was it Mrs. Murphy”?

“No, father, it wasn’t “

“Was it Mrs. Jones”?

“No, father, it wasn’t “

“Well then Pat I can’t give you penance “, says the priest.

On the way out Pat meets Seamus.

“Well, Pat, did he give you penance?” asks Seamus.

“No, he didn’t, but he gave me three good leads”, says Pat.

The Date

I’ve written about the different types of individuals who are out there on the dating circuit. The narcissists, the scammers, the cheaters, the old men pretending to be 30 again, and a whole host of others that I know are out there but I haven’t met yet and I hope I never do! The aforementioned types give dating a bad name.

Anyway, I went out on this date last week. He seemed nice enough. A medical doctor with an impressive list of achievements to his name. He walked in carrying a bouquet of flowers and with a smile plastered on his face. Three hours into the breakfast date, we were still talking. I had to cut it short so he walked me to the car, gave me a hug, a kiss on the cheek and with a, “We’ll talk later,” and went on his way. My thought at the time, “nice guy” except for the fact that he kept telling me that he had a whole slew of women vying for his attention. Hmm…that was a red flag, but I tossed it aside.

The next day, we talked on the phone and he said, “It was a nice meeting. I want to get to know you better. I have a guest bedroom at my place and you can stay there for the weekend. I promise nothing will happen.”

He seemed harmless enough but I knew that there was no way I was going to spend a weekend at his place, no way in hell! I decided to play it out. We’ve been talking everyday since then, just friendly talk. Then it changed yesterday.

The phone call came as usual. He started out with, “I want to be honest with you. I’m not the faithful type.”

ME: “You mean you were unfaithful in your marriage?

HIM: “I’ve always been unfaithful. I think there is a difference between loyalty and being faithful.”

All the alarm bells were going off and screaming “High Alert!”

ME: “What do you mean? If you’re with someone, you are with that person. There is no room for cheating.”

HIM: “I want to be honest with you. If I’m with you, my feelings will remain with you but if someone walks in and I want to have SEX with that person, it means nothing. IT IS JUST SEX, nothing more, nothing less!”

Where do I find these guys?!! Exactly my question. The problem is he didn’t see the stick stuck so far up my you know what and neither did he see all the doors slamming shut on him! I listened and then it was time to put him out of his misery.

ME: “This is not for me. Cheaters are not my cup of tea, coffee or whatever else! You do you and I’ll do me.”

HIM: “Once we are together, I think it will change. I THINK I will be faithful BUT I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

He was being honest but I started wondering how many marriages out there are running on this same concept. The “having your cake and eating it too,” concept. I know it is not for me. Either be with me 100% or take a hike!

Another one bites the dust. Onwards and forwards. This dating thing is more than a headache and a half!

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Married for 60 years, they had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.

Lovely couple!

When Silence Speaks

Sometimes we think that silence is just that, a certain quietness where nothing happens. It is a void that is soothing but nothing much comes out of it. I beg to differ. I have found that if you listen carefully, “silence” has much to say.

“It’s been said that actions speak louder than words, sometimes, it’s what you don’t say or do, that sends the loudest message.” Carlos Wallace

Quite often when something doesn’t go our way and we are hurt by another’s actions or words, the first reaction is to let it rip. Let it all out and show them how you feel and during those moments, words are aplenty and so are emotions. However, when all is said and done and you are wrung dry, more often than not you realize that you didn’t achieve anything through those outbursts of the unsavory kind.

“Once you’ve matured, you realize silence is more powerful than proving a point.” Unknown

Maturity doesn’t show up wearing bells and it does not say, “Here I am, take me and use me.” It shows up when you least expect it and when you’ve gone though the growing up process. The one that takes you on the ups and downs, the one where you find yourself down on your knees and the one that shows you there is a better way of doing things without going ballistic. It is the quiet gentle knowledge of knowing that you deserve better and you will move on with grace. No shouting or being loud needed.

“And suddenly I stopped explaining, stopped fixing, and just moved on. I learned that silence speaks louder than words. No response is a response. Now, I don’t chase. I don’t care and I let people feel the weight of their own choices.” Unknown

Easier said than done? I know because I’ve been there. Things are hard and life is harder still but learning to navigate choppy waters is a must if you want life to let up on you. If something doesn’t go your way, take it in stride. If someone doesn’t choose you, let him or her go. If life isn’t going like it’s supposed to, stop, take note, and then move on knowing that whatever it is that life throws your way, you are fully capable of handling it. Let silence be your guide and your best friend. There is much to be learned during your bout with silence if you’ll only listen.

“Silence is not empty, it is the loudest answer.” Unknown

Not only that, it gives you the ability to get your message across WITHOUT SAYING A WORD!

Try it the next time you want to let someone have what is coming to them or you are chomping at the bit to say your piece. Stop and move in silence.

Have an amazing day.

LOL!

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

Hilarious!

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.

I don’t have gray hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

😂😂😂

LOL!

Funny stuff!😂😂😂

In a trial, a US Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to jail.

LOL!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

🤣🤣🤣

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”