I don’t know if being principled is a good trait since it has caused unnecessary pain in times past because I refused to stray from what I thought was right and being rigid and principled sometimes means that you get the short end of the stick as well.
We live in a world where “principles” are not as important as they use to be. Bending the rules to suit your needs has become part and parcel of behavior in today’s society. However, I have held on steadfastly to my principles.
The good thing about being principled is that you are committed to integrity, honesty and you are responsible in your actions . There is a certain moral compass that enables you to come across as a trustworthy and reliable person. The bad thing? It can be a hindrance because people may view you as a person who has a stick so far up the you know what that there is no getting you to see their side of things. Been there, done that, and I continue to do that!
However, it is their opinion. I like being principled and there are certain things I will stand for and others absolutely not.
Spinster for life? Who knows only time will tell. I might be like that captain who went down with his ship bearing full responsibility for the vessel, only I will be holding onto my principles till the very end!
We’ve all made them. Big ones, small ones and the in-between ones. Some are insignificant and others, well, they can turn your world upside down and leave you gasping for air! Some mistakes teach us lessons and others help us to see and act better the next time around. When all is said and done, mistakes are a part of life and a life without mistakes, well, it just means a life without new experiences.
Here are some poignant quotes that speak to the heart of the matter:
“When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don’t repeat it. Paul Bear Bryant
Not that easy right? I admit sometimes it is next to impossible not to repeat it because we as humans are wired a certain way and we love rubbing noses with MISTAKES!
“Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before.” Unknown
True but there is a hell of a lot you have to do before that happens.
“You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it’s not a mistake, it’s a choice.” Steven Denn
I’ve made those “choices” many times over!
“You can pick up a mistake and carry it as a burden; or you can set it down and use it a stepping stone to greatness.” Unknown
I’m still waiting for the “greatness” part to happen!
“Don’t carry your mistakes around with you, instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones.” Unknown
Exactly what I’m doing.
“You must be big enough to admit your mistakes, smart enough to learn from them, and strong enough to correct them.” John C. Maxwell
That last part is what I’m having trouble with!
“The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake – you can’t learn anything from being perfect.” Adam Osborne
True but who wants to be perfect? Cut out the mistakes please!
“Mistakes made in life are our lessons in disguise, and sometimes, the best lessons learned, came from the worse ‘mistakes’ made.” Unknown
I can whole-heartedly attest to that one.
AND
“I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more.” Unknown
Quite often, we let the people we interact with on a daily basis, the world around us with its idiosyncrasies and events that happen to us interpret how we feel, how we react and how much worth we give it and if we are important or not in the grand scheme of things. I am guilty as charged.
The Dalai Lama said it best, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”
Yet we do it time and time again. Just yesterday, a girlfriend broke up with her so called boyfriend. He was for all purposes a NO-GO as far as I am concerned and it was clear for all to see including her but she is in a difficult place nonetheless. Finding out she was “not important” is a devastating cross to bear even if she saw it coming. Yet, this is nothing new. We hand over how important we are in a relationship to the other person and forget in the process that YOU as a person matter and you define how important you are and what you will stand for and what you won’t put up with.
“When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies and no broken promises.” Unknown
Relationships are hard enough as it is to navigate without having to deal with the “invisible man,” meaning the guy who says he loves you but when it comes down to showing you that you are important, he shows time and again that YOU are an afterthought and as far as the importance scale goes you are on the bottom rung of the ladder. No guessing game needed here. You will know and it is up to you to put yourself front and center and say, enough is enough!
“You are important and you matter.
Your voice matters.
Your life matters.
Your feelings matter.
Your story matters.
ALWAYS.” Unknown
Let me add to that. You as a person matters and don’t take yourself for granted either.
One Day It Just Clicks
“You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself.
You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile.
You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.” Steve Maraboli
Finally,
“Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher.” Unknown
You are well worth the effort and don’t let someone show you otherwise. Your worth is determined by you so stand tall and show the world that YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
“When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.” Unknown
There are situations and circumstances in life that you cannot control. This is nothing new and those unforeseen circumstances bring chaos and turbulence into our lives. We want to take what is handed to us and to make it better, to make it alright, take it back to where we started from, where everything had sunshine and smiles around it but somehow, it just doesn’t work. What if it’s not you? What if the problem isn’t you? There are times when no matter how hard you try, there is no making the situation better. You can’t control what is outside your control.
“Nothing kills you faster than your own mind.
Don’t stress over things that are out of your control.” Unknown
What are those things that you can’t control?
Basically it boils down to, “things that have happened that someone cannot change or influence.”
It is done, it is all water under the bridge and it has moved on leaving you to deal with the aftermath. Instead of letting go and taking it in stride, the human psyche goes into damage control. Quite often it comes in the form of trying to control the situation. We want to bring back whatever we think we’ve lost. We want that person back, not that they were good for us in the first place but because we want what we can’t have. Most of all, we want to control the narrative, we want to change the story and we want to control what is outside our control.
“It’s not what you say to everyone else that determines your life, it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the greatest power.” Unknown
Let it go. Stop trying to control what you can’t control and take control of what you can. That’s a winning strategy right now.
According to diversushealth.org, determine what you can control and work on it.
Examples are:
How you respond to emotions and painful feelings.
How you respond to memories.
How you respond to negative thoughts.
IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS
Do you find your mind going to the worst possible scenario? Do you doubt your ability to cope if something bad happens?
SHIFT YOUR ENERGY TOWARD PROBLEM SOLVING
Replaying the past or dwelling on catastrophic outcomes usually isn’t helpful. Problem solving is.
FOCUS ON YOUR INFLUENCE
What can you change? To have the most influence, focus on changing your behavior and reaction to events.
DEVELOP HEALTHY AFFIRMATIONS
Scientists estimate people have about 70,000 thoughts per day. (No wonder I get headaches!) Most of these thoughts incite self-doubt, fear, and discouragement.
Think, “I’m stronger than I think,” or “I can handle this,” or even “I can do this.” These affirmations help to drown out the negativity.
“Remember you alone get to choose what matters and what doesn’t. The meaning of everything in your life has precisely the meaning you give it.” Unknown
AND
“Just keep in mind: the more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.” Epictetas
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. You are capable and you can handle anything that comes your way.
“Failure is hard. But turn those failures into learning experiences, so that you’ll look back and be happy that you failed, because you gained more knowledge from that experience. Sometimes, it’s simply an indication to change your strategy instead of giving up completely.” Albert Rogers
“Change your strategy” is often used in the business world to place emphasis on a module that is not working so it’s time to regroup and refocus your energy into bringing in new options to make whatever is not working into a workable one. This concept works in real-life as well. If something doesn’t work, change it. Seems like a great idea at first glance but hard to put into action if you love the ‘plan’ you’ve put into action and are dead set against changing it. If you’re someone who doesn’t like change like yours truly here, it is a concept that is hard to comprehend let alone to work with.
“Waiting for something outside you to change before you change is a broken strategy. Fix it by deciding to be someone different and do something different. Transformation happens from the inside out if you take action.” Unknown
Taking that into account, it seems like the most sensible way to go about changing failure into a success story. The problem is you must want to. It’s not going to work any other way. Pinpoint the problem, refocus your energy, find ways to take a failure and change it into a winning solution and put it into action. If you think you’re doing everything right and you still don’t understand why you’re failing then it’s time to really look at what you’re doing and find a different way of doing it. There’s more than one way to skin a cat as the euphemism goes and no matter how offensive that might be, being a cat lover myself, it just means there are other ways of doing something. Don’t get stuck in a rut. Be open to change and change your strategy. However, there are times when you can do everything possible until you’re blue in the face and still the same old failure concept comes knocking at your door and if that’s the case, do not despair. You’ll get there, just keep trying.
Learn to roll with the punches, keep getting back up when life knocks you down and never ever give up.
“When you face failures, don’t change your goal, change your strategy.” Vivek Bindra
I’ve experienced life in all its wonderful and not so wonderful facets and the one that I hate or hated the most was change. My motto was, “Why fix something if it ain’t broke.” The actual thought behind that was, “I like where I’m at, good or bad and change is for the birds!” It took years of resistance, falling down, refusing to get back up and digging my heels in AND screaming, “Leave me alone!” to realize that change is an integral part of life. It teaches us in a not so nice way that it’s needed, falling makes you gain experience and you learn that YOU are not God. So move along, embrace change before it’s too late. I learned it the hard way and I still bristle when I see ‘change’ coming around but these days I’m ready to embrace it, learn what it has to offer and to accept it for what it is. A lesson learned because that lesson had to be learned.
“Failure is nothing more than a chance to revise your strategy.” Unknown
Oops! I’ve got to run. I see ‘change’ approaching wearing a smile on its face and with bells clanging and I’m not in the mood for it today. Just kidding.
“We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Unknown
If you are strong-willed like I am, this is a hard one to stomach or swallow. I think I’m as stiff as a rod when it comes to being flexible. I can bend and sway with the best of them but changing what I am accustomed to is a hard ask and it doesn’t happen easily for me. It takes a very long time. You can drag me to the water but making me drink is another thing altogether!
“True flexibility can only be achieved through constant adaptation to new circumstances.” Janna Cachola
And that right there is my problem. I am set in my ways and instead of adapting to changes, I usually want to control the situation hoping it will stay the same because adaptation in all its forms means accepting the inevitable and moving on and that is a hard thing to do. It doesn’t matter if “change” would bring about something better. I see it as this unknown monster that needs slaying in order to start anew and that is frightening to say the least.
I have to learn that, “Being flexible means not reacting but actively adjusting to life’s twists and turns. Face the unexpected with resilience, and every challenge becomes an opportunity.” Unknown
It’s not that I am a novice at adjusting to life’s twists and turns. I’ve had more than my share of it but each time something unforeseen happens and I’m left to stare change in the face, I pull back, run to the corner yelling, “Go Away! Leave Me Alone! Not You Again!”
Unfortunately, moving on and accepting changes is what life is all about isn’t it? Nothing remains the same forever, well maybe death but even then there are grey areas. So my next goal is to work with “flexibility” and embrace it as much as I can but not become best friends with it. I don’t want it showing up at my front door too often but when it does I will be gracious and in so doing, I hope it will leave me in peace!
“How strange that the grass is all that remains standing after the storm,” said the Boy.
“Sometimes being soft is strong,” said the Rabbit.
Flexibility is needed to go up against life’s challenges and change is often the result. Acceptance is the next step and moving on is inevitable. That said, flexibility is needed not to direct the wind, that is an impossible task, but to tweak it to where it is manageable and that folks takes many many lessons to learn. I know I’ll never be perfect at it, nothing in life ever is but I’m learning to stand my ground and to bend with resilience and to bounce back when necessary.
“Bamboo is flexible, bending with the wind but never breaking, capable of adapting to any circumstance. It suggests resilience, meaning that we have the ability to bounce back even from the most difficult times.” Ping Fu
Here’s to flexibility, you’re not my best friend but I hope you’ll be gentle with me the next time you come around.
“The only limits that exist are the ones in your own mind.” Unknown
A limiting belief is defined as,”a state of mind or belief about yourself that restricts you in some way. And these beliefs are often false accusations you make about yourself that can cause many negative results. Essentially, they are the lies you tell yourself, and if you allow them to continue, they define you.” http://www.linkedin.com
We all have them and we use them to define who we are as a person and what we are capable of achieving. Most of these beliefs carry negative connotations and they are designed to keep us from moving ahead in life. Here are some of them.
I am not good enough! This one is very familiar at least to yours truly. Quite often, I use this as my mantra to keep me in my rabbit hole. I venture out to take a peek and then I rush back into the hole where I am most comfortable in. If I could I would stay there forever but than again even rabbits come out to play from time to time and to observe life as it passes by. Partake or not, that is up to you. What does, “I’m not good enough,” really mean? It is a mindset that is well-ingrained into your psyche and once it has taken hold, it is next to impossible to get rid off. Perhaps changing the negative to the positive might help. I AM GOOD ENOUGH! Say that often enough and it might just give that not so friendly sod, a heave and a ho and send it packing.
“Limiting Beliefs have one goal…..to keep you from leaving your Comfort Cave so you can’t grow and reach your greatest potential.” Unknown
I don’t have enough time…..this is another crippling lie and it is not true. If you look at the amount of time we waste propped up in front of the TV or sitting hunched over our lap top doing nothing much except to let these two gadgets dictate how we spend our time and nothing more. Truth is, you and I know that we have the time to do better things. We just need to do less of one and more of the things that contribute to our lives and crush those limiting beliefs that keep us from achieving our goals.
The next lie is one that loves to keep you in your place. If only I was taller, prettier, skinnier…..the list goes on and you get the drift. This one is designed to shrink you to 1/2 or a 1/4 of the size you actually are. Each time you repeat and accept this mantra in your head, you see this short, fat and ugly person staring back at you. It is not the reality but one you’ve chosen to accept as your reality. You, no matter what your size, height, weight or looks have just as much to offer this world than the other person. Pat yourself on the back and go conquer the world! I heard a saying once that goes like this. “Walk in like God sent you!”A good one to hold close to your chest and to pull out at those moments when you feel lacking or feeling smaller than you actually are.
Limiting beliefs need constant work. They are not easy to overcome but with time, effort and a conscious effort to defeat them, you’ll find yourself on the other side of the fence, the one that is more positive and forgiving but if nothing helps than perhaps this will.
“Do the uncomfortable. Become comfortable with these acts. Prove to yourself that your limiting beliefs die a quick death if you will simply do what you feel uncomfortable doing.” Darren Rowse
Photo by Arthur FlyingPenguin Guillemot on Pexels.com
“There is one grand lie – that we are limited. The only limits we have are the limits we believe.” Wayne Dyer
Do you feel smaller than you are or have you made yourself to feel that way? Did one careless word, a disdainful look or one mean retort shrink you down to size? Did you believe those lies willingly? Often, we take those lies thrown in our direction and run with them and we come up with more lies. I am not worthy, I am not enough, I am not equipped to deal with whatever life throws my way and I just can’t! That last one is my mantra. I CAN’T!
YOU ARE LIMITLESS
“The most powerful words in the universe are the words you say to yourself.” Unknown
Be careful of what you say to yourself. Limiting beliefs are just that, they stop you from achieving or moving towards the goals you want to achieve. Words and phrases like, I’m not beautiful, I’m not good enough, I’m not intelligent enough and I’m not worthy enough but perhaps the most damaging is, “I don’t deserve it.” Limiting words stop us in our treks and they stop us from achieving our goals. Be careful of what you tell yourself because YOU ARE LISTENING! Let’s change the narrative and put a positive spin on things.
SAY:
I AM LIMITLESS AND I BELIEVE I AM!
“Your potential is limitless. You are unique, valuable, capable and worthy of the dreams in your heart. Most of all, you have what it takes to transform and transcend whatever challenges you face.” Marie Forleo
YOU, my friend, are limitless. There is a vast limitless potential within you. You have everything within you to soar as high as you want. You have the ability to climb the highest mountain and to make it to the very top. In order to get there, you have to change what you tell yourself because you are made of stronger stuff. YOU can fly if you want to. Change your mindset, do the work and the rest will fall in place.
Who am I? Sounds simple enough but this is a hard one to answer. It encompasses all of you, the big picture so to speak. Who you are, what you stand for, what shaped you and the experiences that have made you, the “YOU” of today are all part and parcel of this concept. Understanding yourself is vital to how you interact with the world around you. There is only one YOU, and your identity is unique, It is made up of your values, your beliefs, your relationships and your experiences and that in a nutshell is who you are as a person.
However, interacting with the world around you is not always an easy thing to do. It is much bigger than you are and sometimes downright scary. Here are some quotes that speak to the heart of the matter and might even help with where you are in the grand scheme of things as far as your world is concerned.
“Focus on the step in front of you, not the whole staircase.” Unknown
One step at a time if you want to get somewhere and looking at that whole journey might just be a tad too overwhelming to say the least. Do it slowly and carefully and you’ll get there when the time is right.
“Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.” Unknown
Absolutely worth taking a note of. How often do we hang around people who make us feel less than we are? It is time to clean house and start afresh with people worthy of your company.
“The problem isn’t that your friends aren’t showing up for you…
The problem is that you’re still calling them friends.” Unknown
“You become like the 5 people you spend the most time with.
Choose carefully” Unknown
How true? Choose your friends carefully and the rest will fall into place.
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story,
LEAVE.” Mo Willems
If something is not working and it becomes a struggle, change your strategy. You are not stuck where you are, there is always a way out to start anew.
“She wanted something else, something different, something more, passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second.” Nicholas Sparks
There you have it. Stop being the option and start being the priority. Stop choosing people who do not choose you.
Understand this….
“You can sound confident and have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel like shit. You can look happy and be miserable inside. You can be good looking and feel ugly. So be kind, because every person is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Unknown
JUST BE KIND
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
This actually speaks to the whole concept of who you are. What you do eventually becomes your character. Choose wisely and do the right thing.
“Learn to be done with people, not mad, not bothered but just done.” Unknown
This is hard for someone like me. It takes a lot to say I am done but I am learning. Sometimes it is a matter of survival the choices you make. Choose wisely.
“In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end. She simply changed directions and kept going.” Unknown
This last one is poignant. I am on a journey of self-discovery and self-development and in so doing I am learning to give up what does not serve me, to change directions and to move towards what does. Not always easy I know but this is where self-awareness and self-worth comes in to guide you and to make it just a little less scarier than it is.
This particular phenomenon is defined as “a situation in which the same usually negative or monotonous experiences occur repeatedly or are felt to occur repeatedly with no change or correction.”
In the movie, Phil (Bill Murray), a weatherman finds himself trapped in a time warp and he is doomed to relive the same day over and over again UNTIL he gets it right.
“If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.” Peter Drucker
Ever felt like you’re reliving an experience over and over again? I have and it is not only a bad feeling but getting off that roller coaster is sometimes hard to do. I’ve asked myself why am I here again? Did I not work through this already? I thought I was heading towards something better but it is the same old runaround and the same old Deja Vu feeling.
“Life is from the inside out. When you shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside.” Kamal Ravikant
Perhaps that right there is the problem in a nutshell. I did not shift or change from the inside but was just pretending like I had. According to http://www.boro.ac.uk, the reason can be found in the way our “brain processes information and creates templates that we refer to again and again. The templates are essentially shortcuts, which help us make decisions in the real world. They are known as heuristics and they make us repeat our errors.”
Too complicated? I think so too. Another expert had this to say: “the neural pathways are programmed such that every time we remember a past mistake, the brain heads back down the previous pathway.”
Oh God, this is even worse! I don’t want my brain remembering every mistake I made! The goal is to never repeat those mistakes again. However, no matter how hard I try I feel like the proverbial horse being led to drink from a pond I don’t want to. Perhaps, I have no control over the matter because those mistakes have already been pre-programmed into my inner core and there is nothing I can do about it. If that is the case, it is Groundhog’s Day over and over again. How awful is that?!!
It is time to make some drastic changes. The moral of Groundhog’s Day was:
“If you’re tired of reliving the same day repeatedly, something must change – and it’s up to you.”
According to the experts, if you’re finding yourself in “bad” relationships then recognizing “those past relationship mistakes and patterns can make a big difference in your future.” How do you stop making those same mistakes? Are there certain patterns or specific types who are not good for you?
Here are some problem-solvers:
Make small changes. Humans are creatures of habit and therefore comfortable with what is not necessarily good for us. Change doesn’t happen overnight but breaking those negative patterns one piece at a time might lead you in the right direction.
Practice self-care and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made. Bad relationships can damage your self-esteem so be extra kind and gentle to yourself. Meditate, exercise, do yoga but more importantly take all that wasted energy and dedicate it to yourself.
Give yourself time to heal – don’t jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to heal.
Then there are three basic attachment styles: Insecure-avoidant, Insecure-anxious and Securely attached. The first two struggle and see themselves as being not enough. Both these types struggle with vulnerability. The Securely-attached might have the same problems as the first two but they embrace their vulnerability and are ready to accept and receive comfort, security and safety which helps to quiet the negative voices within them. Unfortunately, I belong to the first two attachment types. All fine and good but how do I outsmart my brain and get rid of that template which keeps bringing me back to the same place over and over again? I know that this is going to be a long process and a hard journey but I am bent on breaking the cycle. It is time to move on and to get it right!
“You are the author of your own story. If you don’t like where this chapter is going, it’s OK to start a new one.”
BUT, I like this one better.
“Life is tough my darling, but so are you.” Stephanie Bennett Henry
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